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wife and best friend having (at least) an EA

2M views 2K replies 246 participants last post by  Taxman 
#1 · (Edited)
My story probably starts like a lot of others. The signs have been there for a long time but I chose to ignore them because I'm confrontation averse and was in denial. But, I'm now sure my wife and my best friend have been having a secret relationship - no evidence (yet) of anything physical - for several years.

We spend a lot of time together (wife, friend, me) with groups of friends, so it's always been obvious to me that they are close with each other. I guess I never really understood how close. I won't go into all the details of the things that tipped me off, but I got that "6th sense" that they were talking with each other when I wasn't around.

After suspicion got the best of me, I finally took the time to dig around and found her cell phone bills. She and my friend have been talking about 5-6 times PER DAY for at least the last year. That's all the phone bills I was able to find. Who knows how long it has been going on. I see lots of calls that correspond with the time she's commuting to work and when she's at lunch. I looked at some times when I called her, and I was able to see that I interrupted her call with him, then as soon as she and I were off the phone, she called him right back. Neither of them will ever call the other when I'm present, so they are clearly concealing their conversations from me.

My job takes me to conferences all over the country for a week at a time once or twice a month, and I can see that when I've been out of town, many of the calls are later in the evening. Not sure if that is evidence that he's NOT coming over?? Wishful thinking, perhaps.

So now I'm not sure what to do. I think the first thing I have to do for my own sanity if figure out if there's a physical part to this relationship. How do I do that? Hidden camera? Hire a PI? I'm not sure I could afford that.

Of course, I'm already thinking ahead to what I'll do whether I do or do not find any evidence of physical contact. This guy is (was?) my best friend. Between her and him, they are pretty much my whole world. We run in the same social circles, so cutting them off would be a big mess.

edited to add: BTW, all the other normal signs of an affair exist, too. Secretive with phone, spending more time online, sex trailed off considerably, seems more distant and so on and so on.

Any thoughts on where I should go from here?
 
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#4 ·
Just phone calls that I have found out about. Text message app is set to not save history for just his number (I snuck a peek at her phone when she forgot it when going to the gym). I don't know her email password, so I haven't tried looking at email.

No kids, but are in the middle of doing fertility stuff. Oddly enough, we're not really "trying naturally" any more, just focused on the IVF treatments. Married almost 7 years. That kids could be involved soon is the reason for my sense of urgency.
 
#8 ·
Keylogger on the comp mate.This will help you retrieve passwords and the emails subsequently

VAR is her car, under the driver's seat. Use heavy duty velcro to secure it in place. Keep a VAR in the bedroom and near the telephone too(keep it hidden).

And keep the IVF treatments going, and play dumb for now.


What do you propose to do once you have enough evidence?
 
#11 ·
Thanks for the quick replies and advice, everyone! I did a little web reading before posting here and acting normal is consistent advice. As much as I want to confront them both right now, I do realize that this would kill all hopes of ever getting to the truth about whether it got physical. It sounds like hearing what they are saying is the next best step.

Thanks again for the support. Just saying this out loud (virtually) is a big step and a huge weight that I have been carrying around on just my own shoulders.

The friend has a girl that he lives with, but I don't know her very well. When we all hang out, she's rarely a long.
 
#12 ·
1) read the newbie link in my signature, get familiar with affairs and the terminology
2) go to walmart or best buy, get at least 2 VAR's. Place one with heavy duty velcro under the seat of her car. Place an another in the home where you think she would make calls or have booty calls.
3) download a keylogger
4) tell us what kind of phone she has, perhaps we can help with getting to those texts
 
#13 ·
VAR.

Calling patterns identical to my H's, he was in a long term affair with a former coworker.

Wish I had known about VARs! I caught him initially but they got back together behind my back. A VAR for just a week would have busted it wide open, but it never occurred to me.

Also get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass ASAP, you need to learn about the power of infatuation. She was a leading infidelity reasearcher and the book is very detailed and excellent.

Do NOT confront too early and never disclose your sources.
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#14 ·
1) read the newbie link in my signature, get familiar with affairs and the terminology
2) go to walmart or best buy, get at least 2 VAR's. Place one with heavy duty velcro under the seat of her car. Place an another in the home where you think she would make calls or have booty calls.
3) download a keylogger
4) tell us what kind of phone she has, perhaps we can help with getting to those texts

Read, plan and then when you have secured the evidence expose to his wife/family/parents then confront your wife.
 
#22 ·
I agree with the VARs and the key logger. As for the GPS, depending on what kind of phone service you have you may be able to use family GPS locator to see where the phone is. Don't make the same mistake I did. Really have proof before you confront. And when you do confront DO NOT tell them how you know. Just give them the facts. When you tell them how you know they learn what not to do and take it underground.
 
#23 ·
Yes, collect all the information you can, to see where you stand. Expect the worst (if it turns out wrong you can only be pleasantly surprised then). So far it points to a long-term, physical affair. There is absolutely no reason for them to have this tight, secret kind of communication for over the year: clearly not a case of surprise to your birthday party. Few men will invest so much into communication with reachable, reciprocating woman without any physical relationship.
 
#24 · (Edited)
OK, all sorts of good advice here. I can't keep up.

I'm careful about covering my tracks posting here. I hope I haven't given enough details that she or anyone will find it. I have a feeling it has been going on so long that neither are actively worried about me being on to them as long as they don't slip up in a big way.

We are in between IVF treatments right now and there is no risk of her initiating sex with me so I guess there is a silver lining there. If she gets pregnant right now, I will know on thing for sure. It is not mine.

Phone is an android from sprint - I do not know the exact model. Given how much they seem to be talking on the phone according to the records, I think that is my best bet. VAR under the seat of her car. She drives a Lexus, so it should be nice and quiet in there. She has blue tooth, so I bet I can hear both sides of the conversation. I'm going to get on that right away. I am going out of town in a couple weeks for a conference out west. That will be a good time to hear any sort of meeting plans.

Someone asked about going to the gym. She works only mid-day and goes to the gym before work. The guy works in the other direction from her office. He works regular hours and has the type of job where he cannot get away from work easily during the day. She doesn't really have any time that I can't account for when I think they could get together other than when I go to my conferences. But that is often enough.
 
#27 ·
Phone is an android from sprint - I do not know the exact model. Given how much they seem to be talking on the phone according to the records, I think that is my best bet. VAR under the seat of her car. She drives a Lexus, so it should be nice and quiet in there. She has blue tooth, so I bet I can hear both sides of the conversation. I'm going to get on that right away. I am going out of town in a couple weeks for a conference out west. That will be a good time to hear any sort of meeting plans.

Someone asked about going to the gym. She works only mid-day and goes to the gym before work. The guy works in the other direction from her office. He works regular hours and has the type of job where he cannot get away from work easily during the day. She doesn't really have any time that I can't account for when I think they could get together other than when I go to my conferences. But that is often enough.
Since your next conference is out few weeks, I wouldn't buy a hidden camera just yet. Given how often they talk, a voice recorder will get you the truth within a day. Then you'll decide whether you have enough, if you want to divorce her or catch them on tape and send it to her parents.

If you get another chance to look at her phone, search for apps that are compatible with it that store backups(text/image/call log/etc.) and send them to an email address.

Is she using a personal laptop? If you can get access to hers, a keylogger install is in order, quickly if you can. Have a look at companies such as webwatchernow.com, destopshark.com.
 
#26 ·
You sound like a smart guy.

She works part-time and drives a Lexus. Means you busting your *** affords her comfortable lifestyle and enough time to have a fling on the side.

I know you're not quite there yet, but when you confront you can expect her put up the most spectacular show of remorse you ever seen outside of theater performances. I'd suggest you still to file just to see her true colors.
 
#28 ·
I'm very nervous about installing something on her computer. She is really smart and observant. Doesn't anti-virus software catch these programs trying to send all of this logged information from the computer to an online account? I think I'm going to start with VARs and listen in the car and then in the bedroom when I am at the next conference. These other things - GPS and keyloggers - sound like phase 2.
 
#31 ·
He lives with his girlfriend and has for many years. His girlfriend has kids from a previous marriage, but he doesn't have any kids of his own.

The interactions between my wife and this guy are one of the reasons I'm so suspicious. They are very clearly very good friends. It wouldn't surprise me if anyone who didn't know the two of use and saw all three of us out together in a social setting would identify THEM as being married and me being the friend. This is hard for me to admit. It's embarrassing. But I think this is probably very obvious to all of the other people who know us and no one has said anything to me about it. I bet you've all heard this a million times - "It seem so obvious, now."
 
#34 ·
He lives with his girlfriend and has for many years. His girlfriend has kids from a previous marriage, but he doesn't have any kids of his own.

The interactions between my wife and this guy are one of the reasons I'm so suspicious. They are very clearly very good friends. It wouldn't surprise me if anyone who didn't know the two of use and saw all three of us out together in a social setting would identify THEM as being married and me being the friend.
That sucks.

And your gut is probably spot on if that is the case.

You may want to alert his girlfriend about it (after having full proof) or ask her what she thinks of their "friendship."



 
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