I'm in a whirlwind on thoughts and emotions these days. D-day was last October. My wife had an EA last summer with a neighbor/friend. We have NC with OM and a toxic friend since d-day. We moved to a different neighborhood in the same city although not terribly far from our old neighborhood. I've posted my story before so don't want to rehash too much.
Perhaps I'm just triggering because we're right in the middle of one-year from the heart of their EA. I guess I'm frustrated that I still don't trust her. She hasn't done anything to make me suspicious since the EA but I still feel this way. I check every once in a while but never find anything. I'm haunted by the idea that she could lie so easily and convincingly. She has shown remorse and has really connected back to the marriage. I'm just starting to wonder whether I can. I don't let her know because I worry that I may be just going through the roller coaster of emotions from all of this. Some days everything seems fine.
She and the kids left for a few days on a trip with my in-laws(I couldn't go due to work issues). I decided to view the time alone as what it would be like to be on my own. The scary part is I really have enjoyed the freedom. It has been a long time. They come back late on Wednesday and then I leave Saturday to go on a business trip for a few days and will be alone again. I will wait to see if I still feel that way next week but I feel like I've detached from her.
Another scary thing is that while she has been gone, I went through her closet to find... well, I don't know what I was looking for at the time. Didn't find anything and don't know why I looked there except it is the only place in the house that is really just "her area". When I was done, I realized that part of me wanted to find something, anything that showed she was cheating again so I could at least have peace and end it. To be honest, it startled me.
Is this normal? Anyone else experience this? I don't plan on doing anything at this point simply because I'm still trying to understand exactly how I feel. This all could change with the ebb and flow of emotions I've been going through and certainly don't want to do anything without thinking it fully through. I have two young kids, 6 and 9, and the thought of not being a full part of their life would be crushing to me. And I still love my wife but had to move to a safe place emotionally to protect myself after the EA. I just don't know if I can get back.
In The Dark - I'm in the same place. It's been a year and a half since my H's A and I still don't trust him. I don't check everything as often as I did before but I have this never ending unease in my life.
I did go throgh a few months of thinking that I would prefer to be alone to having to deal with this all of the time. But, I realize that it is just fear. If you look at the truth you can get past this part. Truth is you weren't guaranteed the absence of pain before, you're not with guaranteed it with her, and you won't be guaranteed it if you leave her. As a matter of fact, in that way, you're better off, at least you aren't blind to the possibilities any more. Better to live with open truth than to live in the dark with a false truth full of lies.
Thanks Prize. I'm still trying to wrap my head around how I feel. That's why I'm taking it slow. Just know that I don't want to live with that unease the rest of my life.
Do you think this feeling ever goes away? Are you prepared to live with it if it doesn't? I know there are no guarantees either way but I wonder if the fear is really being on your own vs. living with someone you may never trust again Posted via Mobile Device
I did the same thing. I kept looking and looking. I guess in retrospect I was looking for evidence so I could end things. I just didn't trust her and I wouldn't let up until I had evidence that she really didn't want to reconcile. Found it and I checked out.
Thanks Matt- we went to MC for about three months. Things seemed to be moving fine then but now I realize I really hadn't processed everything. Now this rollercoaster ride of emotions has taken over. I imagine they will tell me I need to decide whether my family is worth going through all this. I won't be rash. Just processing all the emotions and interested in those on here who've been there/done that.
Cantdecide- how long did you look and wait for? Do you thing you'd still be looking if you hadn't found anything? Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks Matt- we went to MC for about three months. Things seemed to be moving fine then but now I realize I really hadn't processed everything. Now this rollercoaster ride of emotions has taken over. I imagine they will tell me I need to decide whether my family is worth going through all this. I won't be rash. Just processing all the emotions and interested in those on here who've been there/done that.
Cantdecide- how long did you look and wait for? Do you thing you'd still be looking if you hadn't found anything? Posted via Mobile Device
Nah, man! Not MC but IC! Something for you, not for your marriage!
My situation was different to yours. My wife told me she was going to have an affair, but would come back to me. But she reminded me that she loved me.
She had the affair and came back to me, but I felt utterly crushed.
But! We are still together, 15+ years later, so, anything is possible!
I'm in a whirlwind on thoughts and emotions these days. D-day was last October. My wife had an EA last summer with a neighbor/friend. We have NC with OM and a toxic friend since d-day. We moved to a different neighborhood in the same city although not terribly far from our old neighborhood. I've posted my story before so don't want to rehash too much.
Perhaps I'm just triggering because we're right in the middle of one-year from the heart of their EA. I guess I'm frustrated that I still don't trust her. She hasn't done anything to make me suspicious since the EA but I still feel this way. I check every once in a while but never find anything. I'm haunted by the idea that she could lie so easily and convincingly. She has shown remorse and has really connected back to the marriage. I'm just starting to wonder whether I can. I don't let her know because I worry that I may be just going through the roller coaster of emotions from all of this. Some days everything seems fine.
She and the kids left for a few days on a trip with my in-laws(I couldn't go due to work issues). I decided to view the time alone as what it would be like to be on my own. The scary part is I really have enjoyed the freedom. It has been a long time. They come back late on Wednesday and then I leave Saturday to go on a business trip for a few days and will be alone again. I will wait to see if I still feel that way next week but I feel like I've detached from her.
Another scary thing is that while she has been gone, I went through her closet to find... well, I don't know what I was looking for at the time. Didn't find anything and don't know why I looked there except it is the only place in the house that is really just "her area". When I was done, I realized that part of me wanted to find something, anything that showed she was cheating again so I could at least have peace and end it. To be honest, it startled me.
Is this normal? Anyone else experience this? I don't plan on doing anything at this point simply because I'm still trying to understand exactly how I feel. This all could change with the ebb and flow of emotions I've been going through and certainly don't want to do anything without thinking it fully through. I have two young kids, 6 and 9, and the thought of not being a full part of their life would be crushing to me. And I still love my wife but had to move to a safe place emotionally to protect myself after the EA. I just don't know if I can get back.
Nah, man! Not MC but IC! Something for you, not for your marriage!
My situation was different to yours. My wife told me she was going to have an affair, but would come back to me. But she reminded me that she loved me.
She had the affair and came back to me, but I felt utterly crushed.
But! We are still together, 15+ years later, so, anything is possible!
I knew you meant IC. Sorry for the confusion. I've thought about it but feel that ultimately, it will come down to whether it is worth it to me...what I'm willing to live with.
Your situation sounds like it was rough. Glad you guys were able to work through it. Are you guys at a good place now? Posted via Mobile Device
She killed your TRUST my friend. She dealt your trust a death blow, just like you see on those old kung fu movies, and for a year now your trust in her has been withering away until nothing is left.
That's what happens when a spouse cheats on his/her partner.
What you are feeling is totally honest and understandable.
Tell her how you are feeling. Tell her that your trust in her is dead, gone, dust. See what she says.
Thanks Matt- we went to MC for about three months. Things seemed to be moving fine then but now I realize I really hadn't processed everything. Now this rollercoaster ride of emotions has taken over. I imagine they will tell me I need to decide whether my family is worth going through all this. I won't be rash. Just processing all the emotions and interested in those on here who've been there/done that.
Cantdecide- how long did you look and wait for? Do you thing you'd still be looking if you hadn't found anything? Posted via Mobile Device
It didn't look long, maybe a month. Found what I needed. My WW had lied to me sooo many times that I didn't trust anything she said. She kept slipping up and saying things wrong. Like............I want to reconcile with you but still be friends with AP. Oops!! I kept snooping and asking questions and demanding transparency. Her house of cards finally came tumbling down. She couldn't keep track of all her lies. Even when she was showing remorse, I just couldn't put my guard down. She was still using the AP as a backup in case things didn't work out with me. I just decided that it wasn't worth it. I didn't want to wake up each day wondering if she was really at work or at the AP house.
And yes, I'd still be snooping to this day. Probably not as much but I became very distrusting of her and her fake remorse. I felt like she wanted me to find something so I'd file for divorce. That way she wasn't to blame.?!
Do you think this feeling ever goes away? Are you prepared to live with it if it doesn't? I know there are no guarantees either way but I wonder if the fear is really being on your own vs. living with someone you may never trust again Posted via Mobile Device
I'm 3 years out... Does it ever go away?
In truth, not really. It changes, it dulls, it takes a back seat to the current, pressing needs in a marriage, but in reality, the feeling is always just a random thought away while tucked into a safe place.
And make no mistake... both the unfaithful and the betrayed experience this.
She killed your TRUST my friend. She dealt your trust a death blow, just like you see on those old kung fu movies, and for a year now your trust in her has been withering away until nothing is left.
That's what happens when a spouse cheats on his/her partner.
What you are feeling is totally honest and understandable.
Tell her how you are feeling. Tell her that your trust in her is dead, gone, dust. See what she says.
In The Dark,
Spudtser gave you sound advice.
Tell your wife onestly how you feel. Let her know. And see what she has to say.
IC is aslo good for you but you are married with a family.
So talk to her, tell her how you are feeling. She created this mess the least she can do is help you or support you through it.
Especially if she loves you! So let the rubber meet the road and have that conversation with her.
Boy oh boy, I canj identify with everything, i mean everything you said. And thanks to all the respoders because they are all things for me to consider. I only 2 weeks post d-day. My God i had no idea how awful and crushing it is. You truly don't know if you have gone through this like us. I discovered the affair, my H was devastated, and was genuinely torn up at what he did to me and him and our kids. He is doing everything he can. He is ic and so am i, and in a few weeks wil do marriage counseling. The trust is so hard, i have caught lies and lies but didnt want to believe them. I have alot guilt over my addiction issues and surgeries for chrohns disease. He said he has had a resentment since I stopped drinking 3 years ago, and have be4e4n clean from pain pills for almost a year.
My h definitely has a binge drinking problem, which he acknowledges which he says that is when he let it all out including an affair.
Sorry to take over your thread, but just wanted to le4t you you are not alone...thanks for post and all the replies
It didn't look long, maybe a month. Found what I needed. My WW had lied to me sooo many times that I didn't trust anything she said. She kept slipping up and saying things wrong. Like............I want to reconcile with you but still be friends with AP. Oops!! I kept snooping and asking questions and demanding transparency. Her house of cards finally came tumbling down. She couldn't keep track of all her lies. Even when she was showing remorse, I just couldn't put my guard down. She was still using the AP as a backup in case things didn't work out with me. I just decided that it wasn't worth it. I didn't want to wake up each day wondering if she was really at work or at the AP house.
And yes, I'd still be snooping to this day. Probably not as much but I became very distrusting of her and her fake remorse. I felt like she wanted me to find something so I'd file for divorce. That way she wasn't to blame.?!
Thanks for sharing CD. My wife has tried and seems to be remorseful. She's very much an avoider so she wanted to move past everything as fast as possible. I was the stereotypical nice guy so even post EA, I was trying to make her happy by rushing through the counseling. Only after did I really start processing everything. This site has taught me a lot but also helped raised my awareness.
Question for you(or anybody really)...did you/do you have distrustful feelings for people you dated after your divorce? Does it stay with you?
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