What I've decided is that some loyal spouses don't fully love *themselves*. They believe they deserve to stay with someone emotionally abusive. They don't have good points of comparison, so they can't imagine what genuine love from a life partner looks like. Heartbreaking but just like cheaters, loyal spouses in denial have to take the first step and CHOOSE self-respect; no one else can give it to them Posted via Mobile Device
I want to say how sorry I am for you. This is terrible! But, not in the way you are probably thinking. It's terrible because you have let it happen. It's terrible because you don't respect yourself enough to stop it.
You are not to blame for your wife's infidelity. That's on her 100% You are to blame for allowing it to continue.
You have already been told what needs to be done. I don't know what you think you are saving. You don't have a marriage right now. You are just the support mechanism for your wife and her affair partner.
File for divorce. You wife is confident you will put up with the status quo because you have already proven you will. Nothing short of filling and serving her is going to wake her up. Trust me. I've been there.
Quite frankly, I wouldn't even waste my time trying to save this; but there is no way you are going to save it with out being willing to let her go.
Please read the man up threads and practice the 180. You might even want to go down to Walmart and buy some balls.
(red rubber ones as a symbolic ritual)
Anyway, the only person who can help you is you. You don't need anymore advise or information. You know everything you need to know.
It's like an old joke I use with my management team at the office: 5 frogs are sitting on a log and 4 decide to jump off. How many frogs are sitting on the log?
Five, because deciding is not the same as doing. It's just the first step.
Take the first step and decide that you are worthy of better than this. Decide that you are going to do something about it. Decide that even though reconciliation is a possibility, that you are willing to let her go to have the life you deserve.
But she really likes him, wants to keep in contact, she sits reading his messages and texts in front of me downstairs in bed etc.
Wow, you let her cheat on you right in front of you. No wonder she does not feel the same way about you that she once did. This shows that you are now officially her doormat. No one respects a doormat. Without respect there can be no love.
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Originally Posted by Sadman
She has now said she can`t accept I might try to contact other women etc??
If you talk to other woman you might learn that there are women out there that would love to treat you with respect. Once you taste respect from another woman, it would not be long before you stop being her doormat and move on with your life.
The only reason she is still with you is because the other man (OM) will not leave his wife and children for her. You are her backup plan and she has let you know it. It may be too late but the best chance at saving your marriage long term is to be willing to end the marriage and mean it. Once you man up and lay down the law of either him or you, she will have to stop cake eating. She will not want to stop cake eating because cake eating is fun. Because of your official doormat status, she will call your bluff, so be willing to file for divorce on the spot if she does not agree to drop the OM completely right now. No compromises or giving her time, right now means right now, and completely means completely. If she does not stop the divorce then you have your answer. The marriage was over and now you finally know it for sure. The reality is that if she picks the other man over your marriage, then it is better for you and your children if you move on now. There is someone out there for you that will love you and put you first. Someone that will show you the respect as a person that you need to thrive and be happy. Someone that will allow you the dignity as a person that will allow your children to respect you (you will need this respect as they get older).
Stop making it about what your wife thinks and feels. What you think and feel matters too. Do not ask for respect, demand it. Respect, real respect is not given, it is taking. Take back your dignity, your children are watching. They need to have a father worth respecting.
Insanity= doing the same thing but expecting a different result.
So, it's OK for he to read and txt him in BED next to you, but not for you to txt a coworker and old GF.,, the next time she gives your nads back, call old GF and make a date in front of her. Then help her pack.
Wow, you let her cheat on you right in front of you. No wonder she does not feel the same way about you that she once did. This shows that you are now officially her doormat. No one respects a doormat. Without respect there can be no love.
This is the concept that you needed to internalize in childhood. If you believe that you did do that when you were young, you need to think back to a time that you were still this way, before you allowed her to beat you down emotionally.
Whether true or not, she sees the OM as virile, strong, tough. Someone who doesn't take sh*t from anyone. Chances are this is a total fabrication on her part, because he's likely a ch*cken sh*t who is scared of losing his family. But he's not so scared as to engage in an affair, because cheaters count on loyal spouses being ashamed and intimidated into collaborating and enabling their secrets. Take that power away from them and you are back in the driver's seat, just like that.
Has anyone suggested No More Mr. Nice Guy to you yet? (ETA, oops, I think a couple of people did, including me....!) It is for people who allow others to walk all over them. It provides guidelines for you to start commanding the respect you deserve.
I think it's just a dogpile at this point people. He's been here before and didnt' listen. LordMayhem, excellent job on the reporting work by the way. Don't know how you do what you do but keep doing it. Regardless if he does stick around he'll be in Going through divorce or separation next crying about how she finally left and he just doesn't understand why since he let her do whatever she wanted.
Any thoughts other than I`m a prat for staying with her?
There's nothing we can advice you: You are been facing this for so long, no matter how much you spin round there are no more that two roads: Accept she's going to cheat on you (as you have been doing) or put your foot down, risk your marriage in order to save it. That's the path you chose to ignore since DDay1: Breaking dealbreakers = you file.
You let her walk all over you, countless times. I'm surprised you are surprised that this happened again. You should have been expecting it.
She's a serial cheater and she won't change. You don't respect yourself enough to give this an end so why do you expect her to respect you?
She's the one who cheated;
She's the one who wants time to think;
She's the one who puts the timeline for when things might get better between you;
She's the one who can do whatever she wants, with whoever, everywhere;
She's the one who says "Do as I say. Don't do what I do"
She's the one controlling your marriage and manipulating you in every possible way.
Where are you in all this mess? Where's your say? Where's your attitude??
You are invisible.
__________________ Davelli0331:If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
Insanity= doing the same thing but expecting a different result.
So, it's OK for he to read and txt him in BED next to you, but not for you to txt a coworker and old GF.,, the next time she gives your nads back, call old GF and make a date in front of her. Then help her pack.
Since you can't put your foot down and state your NUTs, then you may consider surfing dating sites looking for a romantic adventure.
Find someone younger than her, more sexual looking (if possible) then show it to her and say that you have arranged for an initial date next week, and if she thinks it's a downgrade or upgrade.
You can also just chat openly with likeminded women, smiling and giggling while you sit with your wife watching TV. This one (in a more radical version) worked for me. Snapped her right out of her desires.
Insanity= doing the same thing but expecting a different result.
So, it's OK for he to read and txt him in BED next to you, but not for you to txt a coworker and old GF.,, the next time she gives your nads back, call old GF and make a date in front of her. Then help her pack.
Sadman, reading your posts from the past, if you were my best friend in the whole world, i would sit you down in a chair, then slap your face so hard you would fall down from it. Cuz you need it...
She is using you as a prop. She rubs her affair in your face and you take it laying down. And you have concerns about her well being and whatever?
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Re: It`s happening again ......... 
Re: It`s happening again ......... 
