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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-25-2012, 06:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband let a guy friend give him a hand job

I need some serious advice. I was a very independent woman when I met my husband at 30 (educated, financially stable). He was an officer in the military. I wanted to get married, and we met and hit it off! I found him attractive since he was fit and a nice personality, also good with money, and gave me lots of attention. My intuition raised a red flag while we were dating, that he seemed perhaps a little gay in his tendencies. I actually confronted him about it and asked if he ever felt that way, and he assured me he did not and had no interest in being with a man. We got along really well and I wanted to get married, the sex was good too but I had a short list of needs. Six months later we get married and he moves us off to a new base in a crappy location. I couldn't find work suitable for my background. I took a few jobs and his job changed so that he was frustrated with the stress level (for the next 4 years). Then his mother started pressuring me heavily to have babies, and my husband didn't do much about it. I started seeing that he didn't have as much backbone as I wanted regarding a lot of things - so I had to step up and wear the pants. We fought all the time until I backed off and learned how to communicate better. THEN he was working with a gay guy who we became friends with. The guy had a live-in boyfriend and we would go over there for dinner. Nice couple. My husband and this guy went on 3-4 business trips together where they had to drive 5 hours. The gay guy brought DVD's and wine which he shared with my husband in his hotel room (i can't believe I'm writing this - amazing what denial does). I warned my husband to have boundaries. One day he comes home and says 'I feel dirty, I feel violated'. I'm like 'what happened'. He says the guy made a pass at him - that's it. I scolded my husband for getting into that position, then I dropped it. Things stayed the same and we still hung out with the gay couple (I'm so frickin' forgiving, but they were also really cool). So we move again to a new base and I take a job where I'm starting to get tons of male attention (on the base). These guys are more alpha, not like my husband. I am floored by how much I'm feeling sexual attraction to these guys. I've always been shy and never put myself out there with the 'alpha' male type. One of my coworkers shows interest in me and so we discuss having an affair but he calls it off because my husband could get him fired. So nothing happened. I quit my job because the temptation was really starting to get to me and my husband can support me financially. So I mention to him one day about my 'almost' affair. He didn't like it one bit. Then he suddenly opens up to me about back several years ago with his gay friend, he let the guy give him a hand job! But then my husband said he lost the erection mid way and felt gross, and left the guy's room and went back to his room (he was about 36 years old when it happened). He said he felt guilty for cheating on me. I was disgusted. I said 'why didn't you tell me the whole thing right away!'. Then I didn't trust him that was the only thing that happened. My husband didn't tell me in a confident manner, he was wishy washy about it. I immediately broke down and started seeing him as weak... .that he let this gay guy violate him. I felt so pissed off that I followed him around for his military career, my resume has suffered due to having to take jobs in places that have no jobs in my field, AND he had this gay encounter AND he's in the military... and I can't talk about it... AND now his gay mannerisms that I initially saw are magnified in my mind because he's still doing them EVERY DAY. In addition, he has no interest in having variety with sex. So now I had my interest sparked with these alpha males from my last job, and I'm feeling more sexual and wanting a more aggressive man... and I'm stuck in this marriage. I told my husband I wanted him to act more aggressive in the bedroom, but he just can't do what I want with his sweeter personality. I am seriously wanting a divorce because I am having a hard time forgetting the whole gay thing. He and this guy were still emailing every week until I stopped it a few months ago. What should I do? I feel guilty for marrying him. He loves me a lot. I am not attracted to him sexually at all anymore. There are other problems too - he is often emotionally detached in general and there are like 15 other annoying things that he does (little things) that never bothered me when we first met. He swears he's not gay, that it was a mistake, and that makes me feel even more guilty for judging him. I feel like a horrible person for blowing this out of proportion, but one family member I told says that I'm justified to get a divorce because of his behavior. Am I a horrible person for not wanting to live with this for the rest of my life? I am 37 and I feel like I can still start a new life and have my independence again. Help.
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Old 07-25-2012, 06:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband let a guy friend give him a hand job

Also, I caught him downloading pictures of women with big boobs from onlines sites so I know he likes women. I don't care at all that he does this. I just want guy that I can feel sexually attracted to.
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Old 07-25-2012, 06:32 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband let a guy friend give him a hand job

You need counselling, as individuals and as a couple.
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Old 07-25-2012, 06:35 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband let a guy friend give him a hand job

I wouldn't believe him that it was only a hand job.

Making out? Good possibility.

I'm sorry you are going through this. If he's gay (and most likely he is...or at least bi) , it would be best to divorce so you can go on to have complete relationships.

Plus, he cheated. I don't know about you, but in my marriage, that's a deal breaker.
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Old 07-25-2012, 06:37 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband let a guy friend give him a hand job

Perhaps bisexual?

And I find it somewhat disturbing that you planned on having an affair to only stop it because the OM could get fired, seems hypocritical to warn others about boundaries?

Anyway before throwing in the towel, get your husband to read No Mr Nice Guy, Married Man Sex Life and the both of you should at least try marriage counselling. Evidently your main concern is his effeminate nature and the cheating secondary.
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Old 07-25-2012, 06:39 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband let a guy friend give him a hand job

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You need counselling, as individuals and as a couple.


Have you done any investigating into whether the one hand job is all there was? Have you allowed him to verify your story about the 'almost' affair? (btw you DID cheat - you had an EA which is just as devastating to the BS)

Have you BOTH become transparent to one another with respect to email passwords, phones, bank accounts, EVERYthing? Considering that you both cheated?
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Old 07-25-2012, 06:40 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband let a guy friend give him a hand job

Well it sounds like you are at an impasse. Have you gone to MC or IC. Maybe you should try and find a sex councilor.
The hand job thing and the extreme beta personality could be that he is bi curious or in the closet.
IMO you shouldn't just give up on a marriage. I think that you need to attempt counciling to see if there is some repressed things in your H life that are haunting him. i.e. childhood abuse.
If you try counceling and he won't change. I would also tell him in no uncertain terms that if there is another m/m encounter in any sexual manner that you will leave.
Then after the counceling decide if you want to leave or not.
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Old 07-25-2012, 06:40 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband let a guy friend give him a hand job

Well, whatever he is, he ain't straight...
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Old 07-25-2012, 06:48 PM   #9 (permalink)
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As has been said, you both need counseling.

It's difficult to say what his issues are. Gay, bi, or in some rarer cases, bi-curious because of abuse / molestation that he may have suffered at the hands of a man when he was young. Sometimes having an erection under abuse circumstances can be confusing to the victim as they move on through life. So, lots of questions to ask, many avenues to investigate.


I don't think you need to ask us whether or not to stay married to him. If you aren't able to be a loyal, full life partner, then do him a favor and be honest about it. The fact that you came perilously close to physically cheating on him means your heart / energy lies elsewhere. It could be that you aren't communicating your needs to him, and therefore he doesn't get the chance to be what you'd like him to be. But even so, a person can only change so much.

Last edited by iheartlife; 07-25-2012 at 07:01 PM.
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Old 07-25-2012, 06:51 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband let a guy friend give him a hand job

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perilously close to cheating on him
She DID cheat on him.
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Old 07-25-2012, 06:57 PM   #11 (permalink)
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She DID cheat on him.
True, I was using my old (pre-knowledge-about-infidelity) definition of cheating to mean a physical affair. She did enter into an emotional affair and the only reason it didn't go physical was because the OM chose not to. (Which is basically the same as it going physical since the intent was there.)
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Old 07-25-2012, 06:58 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband let a guy friend give him a hand job

It did cross my mind several times throughout the marriage that maybe he was sexually abused as a kid. I think I asked him about it one time but he totally denied anything about that. I still wonder about it because of his demeanor. He would be horrified talking about it because he is emotionally detached in general regarding that stuff (which also distances us). What's interesting is, I had absolutely NO desire to ever even think about being with another man until he came home that day and said the coworker made a pass at him (several years ago). Thinking back, it was shortly after that when I started glancing at other men and wondering - and then it was at least 3 years later when I first had some real temptation. I definately think there's a relationship between his connection to that guy and the marriage breaking down. Thank you for all your replies!
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Old 07-25-2012, 07:27 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband let a guy friend give him a hand job

Relevant parts quoted for clarity.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WonderingWhat'sNext View Post
My intuition raised a red flag while we were dating, that he seemed perhaps a little gay in his tendencies.
So you had concerns and suspicions years before the handjob incident. That matters. A LOT.

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Originally Posted by WonderingWhat'sNext View Post
I actually confronted him about it and asked if he ever felt that way, and he assured me he did not and had no interest in being with a man.
Why do you repeatedly write about what he says? It doesn't matter what he SAYS it matters what he DOES. Men who have no interest in being with other men don't let gay men give them hand jobs.

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he moves us off to a new base in a crappy location. I couldn't find work suitable for my background.
He "moved you". Are you incapable of voicing an objection or offering your opinions and making major decisions in regards to where you live?

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Originally Posted by WonderingWhat'sNext View Post
Then his mother started pressuring me heavily to have babies, and my husband didn't do much about it.
She "pressured you to have children". Are you incapable of voicing an objection or offering your opinions and making major decisions in regards to child rearing? Do you often leave such important matters up to uninvolved 3rd parties?

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The gay guy brought DVD's and wine which he shared with my husband in his hotel room (i can't believe I'm writing this - amazing what denial does).
Sounds like a seduction. I wonder if your hubby made any attempt to resist at all or was actually eager about it. Probably safe to say somewhere in the middle, in between "reluctance and acceptance"

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I warned my husband to have boundaries. One day he comes home and says 'I feel dirty, I feel violated'. I'm like 'what happened'. He says the guy made a pass at him - that's it.
Yeah, that was it. Sure it was. And the earth is flat. At least you can say you say this one cumming.

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One of my coworkers shows interest in me and so we discuss having an affair but he calls it off because my husband could get him fired.
You're not so innocent yourself. "My marriage sucks, my husband might be gay so I'll just have sex with some other guy who is more attractive. Oh wait, he might lose his job, I guess the affair has to wait for now". If you don't want to be married, if you want to be with other guys, get a divorce, and THEN go screw whomever you want. It's the right thing to do.

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Then he suddenly opens up to me about back several years ago with his gay friend, he let the guy give him a hand job! But then my husband said he lost the erection mid way and felt gross, and left the guy's room and went back to his room (he was about 36 years old when it happened).
Even if what he says is true..he admits that he got hard in the first place. That's more than anyone needs to know to make a ruling on this one.


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Originally Posted by WonderingWhat'sNext View Post
He and this guy were still emailing every week until I stopped it a few months ago.
What more do you need? Physical affair followed by long term emotional affair.

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Originally Posted by WonderingWhat'sNext View Post
What should I do? I feel guilty for marrying him. He loves me a lot. I am not attracted to him sexually at all anymore.
Divorce comes to mind.

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Originally Posted by WonderingWhat'sNext View Post
He swears he's not gay, that it was a mistake
He's probably not Gay, he's BI.

He might consider it a mistake if it costs him his marriage but that doesn't change the underlying causal factors which is an attraction to other men.

I hope this helps
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Old 07-25-2012, 07:47 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Kindi, thank you for spending the time on this. I'm trying to remember the specifics of whether my husband lost the erection or never got hard in the first place when the other guy offered his hand job. I mean, I'm disgusted thinking about it. But regardless, he let the guy do it. My husband said 'It was nothing really, just like getting a massage'. So he was trying to make light of it I guess. Recently, I asked him about it again and said it really did bother me. He said, 'My job was so stressful at the time and it was hard to bond with anyone there.' This guy got along with my husband really well. My husband went on to say 'I just wanted a friend there and I was stupid'. I feel sick telling this to the world... this is my husband's personal life. But I don't understand. It almost seems like he just let this guy violate him, like what a kid would do. I'm just confused about it. I did tell a therapist anonymously almost a year ago. She said I should just forgive him, that my husband was stressed out at the time, and this is what people do sometimes when they're under stress. I guess it's my choice to make regarding divorce but that you for your support.
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Old 07-25-2012, 08:08 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband let a guy friend give him a hand job

It's quite common for counselors to brush cheating under the rug. If you go to counseling, be prepared to understand why you thought cheating was an option, vs therapy or divorce.

You may want to try a sex therapist, because they've seen it all.
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