How long does withdrawal take?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » How long does withdrawal take?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-25-2012, 08:09 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How long does withdrawal take?

iheartlife,
I exposed to the OW husband, and to a couple of friends. His mother is very sick, so probably will not expose there. He is working on a letter, but I gave it back to him because it was not detailed enough for me. Neither of us have read the book, I will get it today.
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Old 07-25-2012, 08:16 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How long does withdrawal take?

What are you doing to verify No Contact?
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Old 07-25-2012, 08:18 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How long does withdrawal take?

Just bringing your posts over from the other thread so others can give you advice.

Quote:
For myself, I had 3rd D day July 5th and my H has not spoken to OW for 3 weeks now which up until now he only lasted 16 days before he tried to have contact when he emailed her, and then 14 days later after not receiving any reply to his email to her, he called her.
So I guess essentially he went 30 days without actual contact, but how do I count his attempts at contact? That was only 16 days....


I exposed the affair beginning of June. all contact ended. he tried to contact her 2 1/2 weeks later, she did not respond. He called her 2 weeks after that, but her husband stopped the call in the first minutes. that was 3 weeks ago. since they actually spoke, does the clock start again?
btw, I was calm and collected when I told him this is it, we were doing so great and this? H was incredibly remorseful about this last call and begged me not to let it ruin our R. First time he was really remorseful in that tone.
what do you think?

he says it has been hard for him to get beyond this thing and that he just wanted to see how she was doing. He says that he definitely wants us to reconcile our marriage. He says it is hard for him to talk to me about how he still thinks about her sometimes because he knows I don't want to hear that.
Our MC says it is a process to move forward and that these are setbacks, but that we need to continue to move forward.
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Old 07-25-2012, 08:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How long does withdrawal take?

There really is no set time period for how long withdrawal takes. It really depends upon how deeply the WS fell for their AP. I was reading on another site that has a OW/OM forum, and one WW was in an EA, but was very deep in the fog. It took her 7 months before she was finally able to go NC with her OM, with numerous instances of fishing between the two of them. There was another WS who was in a deep EA/PA with her OM, and even a year and a half later she could not stop obsessing about him, and ultimately R failed and they divorced. Granted, these may be extreme cases but it does give one an idea about how long the BS has to be vigilant to intercept/prevent any fishing.

I would imagine that the longer the affair went on, the longer the withdrawal period.
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Old 07-25-2012, 08:19 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How long does withdrawal take?

checking phone records and email. relying on OW H to let me know as he is quite informative ever since I exposed to him.
No VAR....
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Old 07-25-2012, 08:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How long does withdrawal take?

So how well does your MC understand infidelity? A good litmus test is whether they're familiar with the book Not Just Friends, because the author was a nationally-recognized infidelity researcher, so not only did she write a definitive book, over many years she conducted a great deal of original research that is quoted / relied upon to this day.
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Old 07-25-2012, 08:19 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How long does withdrawal take?

thanks!
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Old 07-25-2012, 08:22 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How long does withdrawal take?

i will not be around for another 1 1/2 years.... i am willing to go through the end of the year to evaluate where we are at. EA went on for 5 months, with the last 2 months not a lot of contact, it seemed they were backing off at that point.
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Old 07-25-2012, 08:23 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How long does withdrawal take?

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checking phone records and email. relying on OW H to let me know as he is quite informative ever since I exposed to him.
No VAR....
Okay, now I don't recommend this. I didn't use a VAR on my husband, and he re-entered contact with his AP within 3 or 4 weeks after I discovered the affair on DD#1. (Although unlike you I wasn't smart enough to check phone records.) He continued to maintain contact with her through 6+ months of marriage counseling (!!!) and I was none the wiser. He lied straight to the MC's face.

I found out THREE YEARS LATER because he accidentally texted me instead of her.

Believe it or not, we are reconciled and recommitted, the affair had run its course and it was infinitely easier for him to walk away after DD#2 because the infatuation had largely dissipated.

Our MC is excellent, I actually chose him based on some careful research because I realized how important that knowledge about infidelity is. At the first appointment he handed my H a copy of Not Just Friends, so I knew I'd chosen right.

Anyhow, a VAR would have blown our false reconciliation wide open. But I was none the wiser and trusted him too much. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. Very weak.
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Old 07-25-2012, 08:23 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How long does withdrawal take?

she is excellent, known a bit. she wants to deal with the affair first and then afterwards what got us there.
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Old 07-25-2012, 08:24 PM   #11 (permalink)
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she is excellent, known a bit. she wants to deal with the affair first and then afterwards what got us there.
That's terrific, that is exactly what you want to hear. BTW we cross-posted again. And FYI, we've spent nearly 8 hours of appointments in MC on the affair alone.
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Old 07-25-2012, 08:25 PM   #12 (permalink)
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what VAR should I get? the problem is he talks on his phone in the car usually with an ear pice, not bluetooth, so I will not hear the other end, but I will do it any way. He also has his car detailed 2 times a month or so, wouldn't want them to find it.... what do you suggest?
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Old 07-25-2012, 08:27 PM   #13 (permalink)
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this is frustrating to hear...
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Old 07-25-2012, 08:29 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by lordmayhem View Post
There really is no set time period for how long withdrawal takes. It really depends upon how deeply the WS fell for their AP. I was reading on another site that has a OW/OM forum, and one WW was in an EA, but was very deep in the fog. It took her 7 months before she was finally able to go NC with her OM, with numerous instances of fishing between the two of them. There was another WS who was in a deep EA/PA with her OM, and even a year and a half later she could not stop obsessing about him, and ultimately R failed and they divorced. Granted, these may be extreme cases but it does give one an idea about how long the BS has to be vigilant to intercept/prevent any fishing.

I would imagine that the longer the affair went on, the longer the withdrawal period.
I meant this is frustrating to hear....
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Old 07-25-2012, 08:35 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: How long does withdrawal take?

Quote:
Originally Posted by member2012 View Post
I meant this is frustrating to hear....
I know, the addiction is so strong. That's why so many BSs experience False Rs, hence the reason we advise BSs that they MUST verify NC is holding.
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