Do I confront my husband's girlfriend?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-25-2012, 09:56 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Do I confront my husband's girlfriend?

My husband of 10 years has recently been acting strangly. He started to go out with "friends", he spent a lot of time texting and talking on his phone. I checked his messages and the phone records and found out that he has been speaking with one woman. I dont know how he met her but I think he has developed real feelings for her. I confronted him and he assures me that there is no relationship that they are just friends. He lied to her as he told her that he was available when the truth is that he is married and has a child and another one on the way. There relationship has not yet become physical however i have seen text messages where they have expressed their love for each other. This woman that my husband is meeting and texting and calling is seperated from her husband(this happened before my husband met her). Do i have the right to confront her?
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Old 07-25-2012, 10:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do I confront my husband's girlfriend?

Um.....definitely! And I'd find a way to reveal it to her husband, even if they are separated.
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Old 07-25-2012, 10:10 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do I confront my husband's girlfriend?

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Originally Posted by samanthajane View Post
My husband of 10 years has recently been acting strangly. He started to go out with "friends", he spent a lot of time texting and talking on his phone. I checked his messages and the phone records and found out that he has been speaking with one woman. I dont know how he met her but I think he has developed real feelings for her. I confronted him and he assures me that there is no relationship that they are just friends. He lied to her as he told her that he was available when the truth is that he is married and has a child and another one on the way. There relationship has not yet become physical however i have seen text messages where they have expressed their love for each other. This woman that my husband is meeting and texting and calling is seperated from her husband(this happened before my husband met her). Do i have the right to confront her?
And you only THINK he has developed feelings for her?

First, you are well within your rights to confront her. Not sure that it would do any good, but you could try. Perhaps he really DID tell her that he was available. You could find that out by talking to her in person. After that, your husband is given the choice of ceasing to talk to this woman or he can get out. You do NOT deserve to be treated this way. Tell him, "her or your family. you can't have both". And he is to send a No Contact letter to her, delete her COMPLETELY from all contacts. Total transparency and accountability to you.

But, yes, short answer is that you have the right to confront her.
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Old 07-25-2012, 10:38 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do I confront my husband's girlfriend?

Get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Be prepared for him to switch up how he communicates with her, passwording his phone, deleting his texts, etc. in an effort to hide this from you.

He is in an emotional affair. Sometimes in the early stages the cheater is in deep denial, other times they are simply liars who will say anything to protect their precious budding infatuation. Fantasyland is too much fun to give up without a fight.

Have you researched who this woman is? Is she married? Is she a co-worker?
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Old 07-25-2012, 10:53 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do I confront my husband's girlfriend?

If I were you I'd call her from his phone and tell her that you are his pregnant wife.
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Old 07-25-2012, 11:04 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do I confront my husband's girlfriend?

You have every right. You are HIS wife.

You seem fairly calm to me.
(not saying you are)

Do you usually voice your thoughts and feelings towards him in a way he takes you seriously?
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Old 07-25-2012, 11:09 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do I confront my husband's girlfriend?

Thank you all for your replies. I do not know this woman but i have been able to find out information about her through snooping in my husband's phone. I know her first and last name, where she lives and that she has 2 kids and is seperated from her husband. I have also seen her facebook profile (which doesnt give me much information). My husband has been hiding his phone, switching it off and deleting messages so he knows that i am aware of his behavious and yet he still hasnt stopped. I have confronted him about the phone calls and text messages and he says that they are only friends. My husband will be mad if I interfere but surely she has the right to know she is being lied to doesnt she?? Or am I just saying that to ease my consciounse conscience
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Old 07-25-2012, 11:13 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do I confront my husband's girlfriend?

why are you worried about him being mad?
stop letting him control your feelings!!!

you need to be mad and energized over this. He is lying to you and hiding his phone which is more lies!

Do you have his cellphone bill? access to his cell account, if you do i would get copies of everthing being passed between them.

This woman, needs to know who you are and what you stand for.
He obviously doesnt wish to stop what he is doing, but instead is ravishing his pursuit for this hooker woman!
Gross.
you are a sexy pregnant woman! go kick some ass
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Old 07-25-2012, 11:58 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do I confront my husband's girlfriend?

Samantha, he lied to you. He said "just friends" and they have professed their love to each other. First, get the book "Not Just Friends" and read it. He needs to read it as well. He is deleting texts between the two of them. He is hiding his activities. If there was nothing going on, there would be no need for secrecy. Now, you can either tell her that he's been lying to her and that you are very much together, and expecting your second child together. Or, you can tell him you know about the texts, specifically the one where he professed his love to her, etc. You can give him the choice of his family or this woman. One or the other. Don't worry about making him mad. HE is in the wrong here, NOT YOU! If he says he wants you, then he is to go NC. There is to be a letter and he tells her the truth...that he is married and is no longer going to be speaking to her. She is removed, and BLOCKED from his cell phone. She is removed and BLOCKED from email. And, she is removed and BLOCKED from Facebook. And, I would even go so far as to say NO chat programs on his cell. Period. You get all his passwords (allow him to have yours as well, lead by example). If you see her number on the cell bill after that point... kick him out. You do NOT have to live with this stress.

Seriously, don't let the possibility of him getting angry prevent you from doing the right thing.
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Old 07-26-2012, 03:48 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do I confront my husband's girlfriend?

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Originally Posted by bkaydezz View Post
You have every right. You are HIS wife.

You seem fairly calm to me.
(not saying you are)

Do you usually voice your thoughts and feelings towards him in a way he takes you seriously?
that's my attitude as well. Once I get married, I will deem anyone who contacts my husband as contacting us. For the most part, I won't bother. But if I think the relationship is inappropriate, you can be sure, I'll be all over it. and letting the woman know, until my husband and I are legally separated, as long as she is contacting him, I will be contacting her. I wonder what the authorities will think of that.

for those women who were just looking for a little attention, I am sure that they will go elsewhere.
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Old 07-26-2012, 03:59 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do I confront my husband's girlfriend?

Hi Samantha.

So sorry to hear of your situation.

Yes, you are completely within your right to contact her. if I were you, I would not even pre warn him, I would just do it. I am sure she will appreciate knowing the truth
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Old 07-26-2012, 04:03 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do I confront my husband's girlfriend?

once the cat is out of the bag, the other issue you will have is whether he is actually willing to work on his problem that is impacting your marriage. Right now, he doesn't sound sober or rational, but once she knows the truth, it might give him a big wake up call. This isn't just hurting you but your children too
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Old 07-26-2012, 04:28 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do I confront my husband's girlfriend?

You need to confront your husband big time. Doesn't do any good to just contact OW. He will just look up another.

He needs to see the inappropriate in his actions. You make sure he does.

Good idea to make him choose explicitly, so that his family is a conscious choice he makes instead of just going along with it all.

It would also be a good idea to find out exactly made him do this in the first place (poor boundaries, lack of self esteem etc.) so that you can both work to improve.

Good luck to you.
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Old 07-26-2012, 09:02 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do I confront my husband's girlfriend?

Here is the reason to take action: once they've declared their feelings for each other, every day of inaction simply enmeshes it further. Not too long from now the messages may be discussing other things, the sorts of things people say when they want to spend their lives together, create joint futures, including, shall we say, lasting legacies.
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Old 07-26-2012, 09:12 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do I confront my husband's girlfriend?

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Originally Posted by iheartlife View Post
Here is the reason to take action: once they've declared their feelings for each other, every day of inaction simply enmeshes it further. Not too long from now the messages may be discussing other things, the sorts of things people say when they want to spend their lives together, create joint futures, including, shall we say, lasting legacies.
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To thread poster, ditto to what Iheartlife said.

In addition: Insist on no more boy's nights out or any meetings with women alone at restaurants or coffee shops.

If he needs to talk to a female business associate, he talks at his office with his office door open to the secretaries desk.
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