A cheaters side and the hope of better things to come. How many of you that cheated wonder how do I move forward with my marriage and where do I go from here. A short bit of history. I am 47, married 20 + years, 3 kids, I have a fantastic wife that loves me and has walked through hell with me. I have read the porn debates and still not sure about my opinions on it. I have enjoyed it since I was about 13 and now I am trying to avoid it because my wife doesnt like me to view it. Although it is hard to not view it when it is around every corner and is almost an every day thing. ( how many woman could give up Chocolate if it could be emailed to you with a simple click of a button from other woman) Yes porn to men is like chocolate to woman.
How I ended up having an affair. I became unhappy in my marriage, things quickly changed in my opinion after the marriage. Before we got married sex was something that was very important to me and it happened allot. In fact rabbits were jelous of our sex. Everything we did seemed to involve sex some how either before or after. When we were apart at college there was phone sex. When we were together there was pictures taken and shared. Not to get into too much detail but there was HOT HOT HOT things happening and all subjects was discussed freely.
It felt like before we were married the Mrs was fishing for her life long partner. She knew what bait to use and was not affraid to use it. Toys and sexy outfits watching porn and hot sexy talks of wild things. I found the woman of my dreams. What would life be like without this hot sexy woman? I didnt want to find out. I had promises of life with this hot and sexual woman. I was happy to say I DO..
The first 3 years sex was still good but things changed a little she didnt want to watch porn with me that she use to watch. Penthouse forum that we read together was no longer shared but the sex was still good. I asked about her fantasys and was told she didnt really have fantasys the way I did. Oh well I was busy with building a carreer and so was she. We worked hard and played together. We were making good money and seemed to have fun together.
Along comes child number one. Focus in on the child and Dads sex life seems to be cut in half. I understood that it takes alot of energy to work and raise a child. Both still worked and there was day care for the little one which she was having a hard time with. I seemed to come after everything eles was done and many times when my time came up sleep was prefered. Call it selfish but I went from 1st to last in a couple years. She went to bed tired and I watched a tape and took care of my needs and then crawled into bed next to her and snuggled.
3 years baby number 2 comes along. Sex life is again cut in half. Time for romance is mostly comming from me to get her attention. Wife is more stressed with two kids and keeping up with carreer making the perfect home for kids. We move to a larger house. payments increase and money becomes more tight. Dads toys are sold. I seemed to move down another click in importance and my sex drive is nagging me but I am trying to be a good understanding father. Work hard dont beg for sex as the wife is tired. Do what you have to do she knows I watch videos and take care of my own needs. She seems ok as long as I am helping her around the house and taking care of kids and not nagging her for sex. I am seem to be watching even more Porn. Here comes the internet.
Wow chat rooms and other people with starving sexual needs. A wife who is exhausted and decides to give up her carreer and watch kids at home for the extra income so she can be at home with the kids. The house is now filled with my kids and 4-5 other kids. She loves kids and is such the perfect MOM. Her life is about Kids. Kids arrive at 7 am and leave by 6 pm. Life again is busy. She is even more exhausted at night and goes to bed by 9 almost every evening. I explore the internet and chat with other people and discover a thing called cyber sex. I began to have to ask for sex from the MRS but she seemed too tired and a bit grumpy or preoccupied. The wife would leave to go visit her family and left me at home with chat and the internet when I had one lady asked if she could call me for phone sex. I knew it was wrong but with little to no sex in my life and a wife who didnt seem to want it either I said sure give me a call. Wow it was like the phone commercial said." it was almost like being there." The cycled continued and there was woman who talked about how great it would be if we met in person. Some lived close enough to meet.
Well the stars lined up and a meeting happened to just see how it would be if we met. She was unhappy in her marriage. Not enough sex and no intrest from her husband and I had the same on my end. I wouldnt have intercourse but I would kiss touch and make out. The wife was exausted and would rather sleep and I found a way to fill a void I was feeling. I met this lady a couple more times and was offered oral sex. Guess what that devil on my shoulder was saying? I was not getting much at home. I deserved to be happy too dont I? She has the kids and they do make her happy. I am making 80 percent of the income and she has very little time for me.
Kid number 3 comes along now 13 years later from saying I do. Sex life again cut in half. Kids are the focus. Soccer games, Horses, Scouts, Football Baseball. Carreer is demanding. Internet has free porn but she has decieded it was bad and no longer wants it in the house because of Kids. Huge fights come about that porn is now the evil of the world. Guilt trips are plenty because she knows I watch it. There have been more woman that I met on the internet. Life is out of control. I am not want to be doing this but I am. I am caught in it. I am a good dad and a bad husband.
Two years ago I confess to it with her. It is time to either save the marriage and make things better or finish it all. I am misserable. She claims to have no idea and is devestade. Hell moves into our house.
I am out of time and I will try to finish this later, but it has been over two years and our marriage is better than ever. We have come through many hardships. The road of marriage has many hills and valleys. But everyone can make it work if the decided they want it to work.
You have busy fingers today and as usual a unique grasp on how to use English as a somewhat foreign language
I think you missed the phrase if "THEY" want to make it work. The key with the word "THEY" is that both parties want are working in a concerted effort not as individuals as you imply. Dont be so cynical. You might just be amazed at the power of free will and choice that we humans can muster.
No, I read it just fine. "You said the following is a falicy" then refer to "they" as individuals. "They" being the key word. Perhaps its is again your unique grasp of the English language that has us all confused to your point. Or missing the point.
That's not what this is about. When 2 adults choose to work on a problem as adults together, using adult logic, it is well within their abilities to either learn from/forgive/and grow from the experience or make the adult decision to part ways. Again, your refering to what happend to your ex-wife with such glee is just not a healthy place for you. We have all been wronged by someone in our past. What seperates good folk from bad is the ability to not wish harm on the wrongdoer. I had a college sweetheart break my heart into a billion pieces(caught her F*&^%$G) my roomate just after she accepted my marriage proposal. Was I pissed at her......yes. Would I have been happy if I found out later she had AIDS or laughed at her when she feel down a flight of stairs.......NO!! That's what seperates good souls from bad ones.
P.S. I ran into her several years ago, met her husband and kids and am happy as hell that she is happy.
P.P.S. People make mistakes. It does not mean that we should be happy when bad things happen to them. Unless your a sadist that is.
What happens when one doesn't want to wrk it out, show me a site that supports this person. To make them stronger, and ready to move on.
That is feely good polictical goobey goop, you are an animal unless you have progressed in evolution some 1,000,000 millions years from now.
I am here as the equalizer to comfort the ones ready to move on, no sugar sweets to be issued, just the reality.
Hey if she had you had no control of it, and it would be chaulked up to destiny. Well, when extreme bad karma is issued I usually comes around correct full circle.
The same is in reverse, he one that recieves the darkness is rewarded with the light.
If one of them does not want to work it out then the marriage should end. An affair is a deal breaker for most of us. There are plenty of examples here of people saying "leave". There a plenty of examples here where if I could talk to the non-posting spouse I'd say "leave". So although I can appreciate your motivations your cynicism still come from a place that was notched into your being some 28 years ago. It just does not seem healthy.
Dude, a bit of a Jesus complex added to your cynicism? I did not know we were getting advice from the Divine. I'm sorry to have ever questioned you. We all humbly bow to your greatness!! (yes, tongue FIRMLEY planted in check)
I have the same problem that many of us here face: infidelity.
My husband of 10 years, wonderful marriage, (so I though), have committed adultery, (twice) with prostitutes. He really is a very nice generous man, I knew he watch porn in the Internet but I figured every men does it and there is no damaged into, was I wrong! This has turned my life upside down. I found out few weeks ago and I’m devastated, he asked for forgiveness and he said he will do whatever he has, to avoid loosing me, but I can’t forgive him. I want to know if there is anybody that can give me any advised on how to work toward forgiving him and myself. We are going to counseling but I don’t feel it’s helping me. I love him but I can’t forgive him. Please help
The road back from infidelity
