Ever find out your husband was cheating on you 4 days after you get married?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-27-2012, 12:16 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Ever find out your husband was cheating on you 4 days after you get married?

Hey Everyone! Sorry this is so long but it's a bunch of bull-ish. I could really use some insight wether good or bad on this one and I really apprecaite anyone who takes the time to read through my lengthy problem and comment.

I am origionally from Canada and met my husband on an online game 5 years ago (He's from the US). We talked for about a year just as friends before we both realized that we were completely in love with eachother. We ended up meeting in person and the chemistry was incredible! We ended up flying back and forth every few months for a little while and things couldn't be more amazing. I was so in love with him and him I, that neither of us really thought about anything else. All day everyday we would constantly be talking in some way shape or form via email or text ect. He proposed to me Decmeber 2009 and we planned to get married and me relocate down south.

He started to get a little distant a few months into planning and wasn't available like he was before. We had started the lengthy expensive process of me immigrating to the US so we had the stress of that as well as planning a wedding. Unfortunately during this time, I met someone that I worked with and we got along really really well. As much as I tried to save my relationship with my fiance, it wasn't exactly easy with all of the distance. Eventually I ended up calling our wedding off and shortly after that began dating this other person. We were together for a year and even lived together for pretty much most of our relationship and things were great. Funnest (not a word) relationship I have ever been in and we got along famously. I still however, thought about my ex-fiance often and tried to keep a friendly relationship with him but he was completely devistated that I had called off the wedding (clearly) and so we drifted apart. I still tried to message him every now and again to keep in touch and make sure that he was doing alright because I still did care for him.

The relationship that I was in ended because he moved across the country to be in the Navy and the distance thing came into play again and we decided to call it quits with us barely being in contact with eachother for weeks at a time. A few months later my ex-fiance and I started talking again and played with the idea of us trying to be together. Gradually we started talking more and more, and both agree'd that the origional feelings were still there. He was a lot more distant with me than he had been at first, granted because of the fact that I pretty much destroyed him when I very selfishly and foolishly decided to just run away from the problem we were having but I had a lot of work on my hands and was prepared to do whatever I needed to fix us. Every waking moment I dedicated to him and trying to build that trust that we had built up with each other...it was very slow going but I had had a new found dedication to making this relationship work out because I had never loved someone like I loved him.

Enter the devil that is facebook. Some random girl he never brought up before commented on his wall "Can't wait for 4th of July weekend " To which I commented, "Can't wait to meet you ." Girl exploded! Saying super hateful things to me like Well since you aren't going to be here ever again that'll be kinda hard ect. She ended up messaging me and telling me that I needed to stop talking to this guy that he wanted nothing to do with me and even sent me some emails between the two of them where he clearly had stated that she had nothing to be jealous about because he had already told me that he didn't want to be with me.... He was telling me the complete opposite of what these emails said to her so... clearly I asked him about it and he floundered a little and said he was sorry but he was trying to not hurt her feelings. I clarified with him that he really did want to work on us and he swore he did. Since we werent together I couldn't be very angry so we moved on and he said that he would make sure she understood that we were working to get back together.

I decided that we needed to see eachother face to face to talk everything out that the phone calls and messaging were'nt really ideal for this so I flew down to see him. Things were going really well but he seemed to constantly be on his phone. One time while he was beside me texting I glanced over and seen that he was telling the same girl from above that he was sorry he couldn't see her because he had scoccer practice maybe next week (when I would no longer be there.) I asked him about it and he played it off as nothing and so I asked him if I could take a look at the messages and he flat out refused to let me see them. Once he took a shower I snatched the phone and looked at the messages. Basically they were conversations about the two of them taking a trip somewhere together and that he couldn't wait to see her. I didn't get mad cause we were not together so it really didn't matter but I brought it up to him again and simply asked if he was dating this girl. He said no. I asked him why he was texting her making plans with her when I thought I was flying down here to talk about the "us" potential. After a looong conversation he told me that he loved me and only wanted to be with me and that he wanted to try us again. I left to go home and our status was back together.

On my way home just to kind of test the waters a bit, I sent him a relationship request on facebook. Within 5 minutes of me sending the request to him, he deleted his facebook account entirely. Saying something about the job that he was applying for didn't want him to have any socail sites active.... I let it go.

Things were definitely weird. He rarely answered my phonecalls, hardly came online anymore and when he was he was always distracted and in a hurry it seemed. Subcosiously I knew that something was up and my friends were telling me to just cut it off that something just wasn't right. Stupidly and immaturely I decided to ignore all the warning signs and proceeded with my immigration and threw myself into work. I figured once I got there things would be different.

ALMOST DONE PROMISE!

Skip ahead to me getting to the US. Things seemed really awkward to be honest. We were staying with his parents. He was going out without me. Just generally not acting like he wanted me there. I had talked to him about the way that he was acting and how it didn't make me feel like he wanted to be together he told me that he didn't want to be with anyone else. We went out to dinner with a bunch of his friends and when they seen me, it was like they pretty much seen a ghost. They even said, "Didn't think that we would be seeing you again," While giving sideways glances to him. This seemed extremely fishy to me. I ended up getting a phone on the same plan as his and when the cell phone bill came in I noticed that he had 6000 text messages. We didn't text because it was way too expensive and his reasoning behind him not answering me all the time or picking up my calls was because his phone sucked and he needed a new one. Clearly someone was being answered. I decided to check out the past months... my trip down was in May, it was December. Every month was the same all these texts to basically one number. I called it. Asked for someone random and when the girl on the other line said I had the wrong number I appologized and asked who this was and she told me. He never mentioned her.

I asked him about it and he said she was just a friend and that I needed to trust him and stop looking for stuff so I tried to drop it. He made me feel pretty bad for not trusting him. Still though the weird behavior continued...One night he left his phone by me when he went out and I looked at his phone. All the messages to her were deleted. Long story short (hahah) Over the span of a month he met up with her a few times leaving me at his parents house while he told me he was going out with guys. I packed my stuff and was ready to head back home. He followed me around the house crying and saying that he couldn't live without me and that he was sorry that he wasn't showing me how much he cared about me and getting down on his knees begging me not to leave. My visa was almost up and in order to stay we needed to be married and I told him that if he didn't want to get married that I was leaving. We ended up going to the JOP days later which was a completely stupid and spontaneous thing for us to do but I believed that he meant what he said after the episode and days of discussion.

I made plans to go out with some friends thinking we were past all of this 4 days later. When I told him I was going out, he pretty much immediately texted this girl and asked if she wanted to go out to dinner for the same time I told him I was going to be out. I texted her and she ended up calling me and telling me that she had no idea I was even in the state or that him and I had even been talking again. We ended up meeting up the next day to talk and I felt really bad for this girl because she had completely fallen for him even though she didn't say that exactly, she was really hurt by finding this out. We compared story's and basically they had gotten together 4th of July weekend. So.. while I had a huge fight with one girl over this weekend in particular... he invited and spent the weekend with his family and a completely different random girl. I even had him call me that weekend from their lake house because I was convinced despite everything, girl number one was still there. I was crushed. In comparing stories I had even found out that when I flew him home for my birthday and my friends threw us an engagement party that she had stayed at his house the night before he left telling her he was going somewhere else and after sleeping together she drove him to the airport. She had no idea he was coming to spend the week with me, nor did I have any idea that this girl even existed.

So anyway, the ending to this tale is that I stayed. I know as soon as I found this out I should have packed up and left and not thought any more about it. However, there was the issue of us literally JUST getting married. I only wanted to be married once in my life and I thought he was it. He told me that he was still mad at me for leaving him and he made some very stupid decisions and he'll have to pay for them for the rest of his life.

Since finding this out he vowed to do everything in his power to make it work and he has been squeaky clean since this incident happend. He is the most devoted husband, does completely thoughtful sweet things, does everything he can to make me happy... and I can't even look at him some days. We've been married almost 8 months now and I can count the times we've had sex on one hand, maybe less. Before all this happened it was like once or twice a day usually initiated by me. I am an absolute cuddle bug and I don't even really let him touch me. I love living with him, we still have a ton of fun but I guess I would have to describe it as roomates who sleep in the same bed and kiss eachother hello and goodbye. I have no desire to have any physical contact with him and I am almost annoyed by him trying to even hug me.

Clearly marriage isn't supposed to be like this but after everythign that happens, I don't know what the hell to do. I wouldn't say that I'm terribly unhappy. I'm actually oddly ok with the way things are between us right now... I just know that is obviously not supposed to be the way it is. I want to be a good wife, I want there to be intimacy, I want everything to just be normal and as hard as I try there is just zero improvement on my part thus far.

Is this something that any of you think is beyond repair? Has anyone ever been in my situation? I know I am stupid for even marrying him in the first place after even what I knew before the big bomb, but now that we are, I don't feel like I should just quit. We both made some mistakes so I feel like I owe it to him and to myself to try and make this work after everything we have been through but... with little to no progress despite my efforts to let it go it can become quite discouraging.

If you somehow made it to this part of my post I applaud and thank you very much. This is something I have been battling for the last 8 months and despite talking to friends, I get mixed reviews on advice. I figure a place like this where none of you know either of us is a pretty safe bet on getting some unbiased honest answers and I thank you in advance for that.
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Old 07-27-2012, 12:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ever find out your husband was cheating on you 4 days after you get married?

Simple this guy is keeping you on as a fall back plan. you have never once backed up your talk and now you are finding out the hardway that your guy is a cake eater. He wants you on the line while he runs around and gets his cake. Then when things fall to pieces he can run back to you. You need to get as much evidence as you can together and get an anullment. He hasn't been faithful since day one and you are now on his hook.
Lady anyone that tells you he is the one, is either a moron, or is cheating on their husband/wife and are covering it up.
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Old 07-27-2012, 01:01 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ever find out your husband was cheating on you 4 days after you get married?

Sounds a strange set up, he is probably hurt by what you did at the start and has just never felt the same way about you.
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Old 07-27-2012, 01:08 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ever find out your husband was cheating on you 4 days after you get married?

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Originally Posted by mestalla guy View Post
Sounds a strange set up, he is probably hurt by what you did at the start and has just never felt the same way about you.
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Still no excuse for his behavior. If he didn't want her back he should have manned up and said so.
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Old 07-27-2012, 01:09 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ever find out your husband was cheating on you 4 days after you get married?

Your husband never got over your leaving him for the other guy and deep down ,I think he feels like your second choice. He then gave himself a get out of jail pass to see other women likely largely to build his own self esteem and feel like he's wanted as soneones primary choice and not second plan B.

I think he basically broke when you dumed him the first time and this new person accepts cake eating and cheating by himself As a viable option, he's not fully trusting of you with his heart and he is hedging his bets and not honestly committing to the marriage.
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Old 07-27-2012, 01:09 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Still no excuse for his behavior. If he didn't want her back he should have manned up and said so.
Yeah I agree, but it was a marriage based on mis trust from the start, she had many suspicions and still got married. How old are you both, if you don't mind me asking?
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Old 07-27-2012, 02:19 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ever find out your husband was cheating on you 4 days after you get married?

Wow what a damn mess.

And yes you screwed him up royally.

And yes he is paying you back in spades.

I know you love him.

but does he love you?
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Old 07-27-2012, 02:26 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ever find out your husband was cheating on you 4 days after you get married?

I can't believe you married this guy. Why? He was openly cheating on you and treating you like dirt right to your face and you still wanted to marry him. I'm sorry, but you made your own bed. Marrying him was just a very bad decision on your part.

Just divorce him and move on. You sound really young with a lot of future ahead of you. America is great. Stay here and meet someone new.
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Old 07-27-2012, 03:51 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ever find out your husband was cheating on you 4 days after you get married?

I'm 27 and he's 28.

I completely understand that I made a very poor choice in marrying him in the first place. Not that I want to make myself sound worse than I already have hahah but honestly, if there was a way I was able to stay in the United States and work legally without getting married, I wouldn't be married right now. I would have just tried to work it out and if it didn't work call it quits you know?

He has been a completely different person since we got married though. Absolutely thoughtful of my feelings, he always tells me upfront if something look incrimidating or if he gets messaged by a girl he'll bring it up just so I have no reson to be curious.

The reason why I wanted to marry this guy in the first place was because of his honesty, because I felt like I could trust him no matter what, and he treated me amazing even from 3700 miles away... that all changed when I left him the first time. I know I made a mistake in doing that (well now i'm not so sure) and he completely turned into a different person after that happened. I know he was devistated but that doesn't excuse his actions. When he told his mother what was going on, even she came to me and told me that she never seen this story coming that that was not her son.

Since being married he's back to his old self again and being all amazing but it's so completely different now.
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