It's been 9 months since D day. I've been going thru the usual ups and downs. My husband I should say has always been my best friend. I'm not a very emotional person, and don't fight often. My husband is also the same, but also a very "If I for get about it, it will go away kind of guy." I've been asking for him to do something for me to make up for the hurt. In my words I need a "grand jesture". I cried, wrote a letter to him explaining my thoughts, and I got the usual. I promise I'll do something, and of course that never happens. So today I again asked him and I the answer I got was. "well I got you flowers last week for graduation, doesn't that count?". I got hurt and gave him an ultimatem. You have two weeks to do something showing you're sorry, I put it on the calender, wrote a note on his phone, and told him if he forgets about me again, I will stay with a friend till he does something. The question I have is, Was that wrong. He is very affectionate, cuddles, calls me and we have a better than most relationship. Should I just be happy or do I have a right to want an action reconciliation. Should note we've been married 12 years, together 17 with no kids.
Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
Because if I was in your H's shoes, I probably wouldn't have a clue how to satisfy your demand and would be very anxious not being able to figure out what would make you happy.
What do you think this one gesture is going to accomplish? Are you really going to forget about the affair just because he does one thing for you? Or are you hoping against hope that you are going to be able to replace the bad memories with this one good memory he's supposed to provide you with? (In my experience this has never worked.)
If he's never been a gestures kind of guy, I wouldn't expect him to get it.
Personally, I think looking at his every day actions since d-day is more meaningful about his intentions than to wait for one big moment that is supposed to erase all the hurt of the past. Posted via Mobile Device
weekend away, planning a date for the entire day, delivering flowers to work. My idea is anything that requires more than 2 minutes of thought. Same amount of effort someone would put into a special xmas present. Not just flowers still in the bag on the counter.
weekend away, planning a date for the entire day, delivering flowers to work. My idea is anything that requires more than 2 minutes of thought. Same amount of effort someone would put into a special xmas present. Not just flowers still in the bag on the counter.
Are these things he would have done before d-day?
If he's never been 'that kinda guy', I'm not sure why you think he would begin now.
If he's habitually done things like that in the past and is not now, I'd say it is a red flag concerning his commitment.
Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
If you told me you wanted a grand jesture, that's probably what I would have thought of, too.
I recommend giving him those examples.
The "grand jesture" you seek, if you get it, only will be a temporary fix for you, it will wear off quickly and you will be left right where you are now.
A better goal to strive for in my opinion is for you to make each other feel special every day, for him to show his appreciation to you for not divorcing him every day.
I guess I was always taught that if do something wrong you are supposed to do another action to help fix it. Not expecting all the feelings to obviously go away. That's completely unrealistic, just looking for a little compassion from the other party. Apparantly I should be happy with I'm sorry and move on.
And, FWIW, I'm not a believer in 'grand gestures' per se.
** If the gesture involves money, I don't see as much value in it. (Not saying it's worthless, just not much more meaningful than nice words.)
** If the gesture involves openness, confession, humility, remorse -- real & difficult human emotion -- it's golden. (But the following actions needs to support the words of the 'gesture')
{My husband & I refer to the latter as a 'Melvin moment' from the movie 'As Good as it Gets' - highly recommend}
Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
Are you sure he has ended the affair? Did he tell you all the details and answer all of your questions? Did he tell you why he did it? What has changed since then that makes you think he would not have another affair? Why did you choose to reconcile rather than divorce?
You should not be happy with "I'm sorry" and move on. You should expect him to work at helping you to heal from the affair, and to do whatever it is that you need from him. If you want a grand jesture, that's fine. You may have to spell it out for him, though. We are not all brought up with the same expectations of what should be done in such a situation.
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Should I expect actions for making up 
