I had an online affair .

Wazza · 08-01-2012, 04:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaritimeGuy

Still Knight

I understand where you're coming from. I was there at one time myself. You desperately want to regain the trust. The reality is no amount of checking up on her will ever give you a 100% guarantee. If she's so inclined she will find a way to do things behind your back.

In the end you have to decide if you are prepared to trust again. It's a gamble...a huge gamble. In life the biggest payoffs involve taking the biggest risks.

What would be a bigger tragedy? You choose not to take the gamble and lose a woman who made a mistake but loves you and wants to make things better. Or you choose to take the gamble and she does the same thing again down the road?

Or you leave her in spite of all the things that attracted you to her, find someone else, and then realise....."There's no reason why this one couldn't betray me just like the last one did".

No, that warm feeling of total trust is gone forever, no matter what you do. Best to accept that since otherwise you could make some bad choices trying to reclaim it.

MaritimeGuy · 08-01-2012, 06:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cpacan

Is there an obvious answer to this?? I fail to see it, cause I struggle with the exact same question. The same betrayal one more time will come close to destroy me, allthough I will be prepared.

I wish I knew the right answer. I think the right answer is entirely dependent on the two people involved.

In my case I kept pursuing evidence that my now ex had broken off contact with the 'other guy'. As they say in science though you can't prove a negative. So not finding any evidence of betrayal didn't prove it didn't happen. It just meant they got better at hiding it.

I think you have to look into your own heart and decide what's right for you. My thoughts are don't do anything rash. Try to calm things down and let everything sink in. Once you've had some time to put things in perspective and you're calm figure out if you will ever be able to trust her again. If you can't it doesn't necessarily mean she's not trustworthy...it just means you're not able to trust her. Either way the relationship is over.

If on the other hand you do believe her and are willing to take the chance there is no shame in that. It shows you're strong enough to risk getting hurt again. It's amazing what depths the human spirit can recover from.

cpacan · 08-02-2012, 06:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wazza

Or you leave her in spite of all the things that attracted you to her, find someone else, and then realise....."There's no reason why this one couldn't betray me just like the last one did".

No, that warm feeling of total trust is gone forever, no matter what you do. Best to accept that since otherwise you could make some bad choices trying to reclaim it.

I still think it's an open question and hard to find the "right " answer.

I have thought hundreds of times myself, that leaving her wouldn't guarantee me from being hurt by another (new) partner.

But we could at least start with pure white sheets. Then again, there might be other flaws to find then...

Tough call.