I have given him passwords to everything, and not 15 minutes ago told him I made an account here, what my user name is, and what the password is.
He has the password to my computer, all 3 of my email accounts, my facebook, and here. He can have all access to my phone as well.
I am trying to be 100% transparent.
Forgive me if this is blunt. I am a betrayed spouse so you know my biases.
You were unfaithful. As well as sexual feelings for other men, your husband says it has including a lot of deception towards him.
Right now, if your husband's posts are accurate, you are lying.You might not think it's a lie to leave out details, but it is because you are not giving him the truth. You might think it's for good reason....trying to avoid damage, sparing the feelings of others. But those lies are the worst thing you could do, because you already have a major trust issue and every lie is simply confirming that your word is worthless. You really think you are smart enough to improvise a story that will stand scrutiny over the years a reconciliation will take?
You may as well try to put out a fire with gasoline as try to repair trust by lying or withholding information.
I get you are hurting too. I don't want to add to it. But you need to confront this.
I am admitting to everything I have done. I don't mean to minimize. Can you show me how I am minimizing? I just went back and reread my first post, and I'm not denying anything. I really am taking full responsibility for my actions. There is no excuse. There is no justification. I am willing to do any and all work needed to restore our marriage.
Make a dot point list of every specific thing you have admitted.
Make a dot point list of everything your husband says you did.
Count up how many things are on his list and not yours.
Ask yourself how your husband would feel if he takes your threads and does the same thing.
Ask yourself, and those supporting you, why he should even try to trust you.
I was deceptive, and I tried to deny anything was happening when everything started to come into the light.
The day after I confessed, I wrote the OM to tell him everything was over, and I, beyond all stupidity, got sucked into an extended conversation with him, during which he asked for a picture. I took one on my phone and emailed it to myself, and then photoshopped it on my computer, where I left it. My husband found the picture in my email and documents.
I was momentarily upset when I found out he put monitoring software on my computer (I found out because he left the installation up) because he did it while I was out thinking I wouldn't know, and I was hoping we could be completely open about everything. I actually think monitoring software is a great idea. I was upset because he did it behind my back. Wrong of me, I'm sure.
The other night, wee hours of the morning actually, we were arguing about the situation. During the argument, he said he needed physical connection. I reached over and held his hand. When he became upset, leaned above me and forcibly pulled down my pants, I panicked and pulled away from him, not knowing what he was about to do. Suddenly and forcibly pulling down my pants with no warning frightens me. I fully admit that comes from being raped and that it has a negative impact on my marriage.
I met the OM a little over a month ago, and it moved from emotional chatting to sexual chatting approximately 2 weeks ago. I have been long engaged in the game for several months now.
I'm sorry I didn't put all these things in my original post.
I noticed the names and the stories matched. Be up front, truthful, its all easier on both parties in the end, and it is easier to not lie because you'll have to keep recalling what you said when where etc etc, its too difficult to lie for the sake of not hurting your husband whom is already hurt and already. Its a common thing we all humans do is justify and minimize. Admission of guilt is a good start, transparency and total disconnection to these habits must be gone in an INSTANT, this is war to save your marriage, if your are half hearted about it he will know and if he is smart he'll leave, if you pour your heart out now, rebuild the trust, the love, and repair some of the damage, it may fortify your relationship to reconcilation and better stage of happiness. I'm not saying cheating is an upgrade to improve marriage quality, on the contrary, a car oil leak should be fixed before it the engine blows a rod then we end up saying, well something was wrong with the car all along, we should have known!? The signs were there, the car engine busted now rebuild it, and not just a top end rebuild (rug sweeping) a full rebuild.
I am deeply ashamed and this is the most humiliating thing I have ever done. I am staring point blank in the mirror and see myself for what I am, an unfaithful spouse.
Going before my friend from church, and my pastor and his wife, were some of the hardest things I have had to do, but I did it because I want transparency and open honesty. I am not trying to sugar coat anything. I did this. Period.
The day after I confessed, I wrote the OM to tell him everything was over, and I, beyond all stupidity, got sucked into an extended conversation with him, during which he asked for a picture. I took one on my phone
Your husband wrote:
Originally Posted by Still Knight
In it, I found a picture sent from her phone that day, of her standing in our bathroom mirror with her shirt open and her bra exposed, with a wine bottle nestled between her breasts. I knew immediately that wasn't intended for me.
Even if you didn't send it, how does a photo like that line up with telling the OM it is over?
You have to remember that your husband is now in a state of incredible emotional pain and looking for holes in your words. It's not a casual thing, it's eating at his brain like acid 24x7. Can you see how something like the above is going to feed his pain?
I know you are hurting, I know you are trying to justify yourself, and I am not saying everything is your fault. Would you believe that someone would take a photo like that if they were committed to ending the affair?
Not that I am trying to justify this as it was wrong, but I did not forcibly remove anything. They never even came down. I started to pull them down and stopped immediately when she spun angrily on me. It's frankly BS I am even having to defend myself on this point. It was wrong, I was hurt, and felt like looking at her was going to be my only way to feel like I had any physical connection to her at all, since all thay energy seems to only for the OM now. Posted via Mobile Device
I have never been in either of your shoes but I think forcibly pulling your pants off is creepy. I would get triggered big time by that. Posted via Mobile Device
Triggered? How long have you been married to still be triggered by your husband? If you honestly "triggered" from your husband than you are still weak, and you shouldn't play with fire because you are still weak. Triggering from past experiences like that with your husband yet you're involving yourself in situations, areas or circumstances that may bring you to cheat while still being vulnerable. I'm just an outsider looking in, but this sounds ridiculous and I speak from experience, overcome your past "traumas". You only overcome something by confronting it. If you want to be a coward vs anything do it vs temptations, run away from the opportunity to cheat, dont even entertain the idea of meeting past lovers, or other men if you are that weak willed.