Wholady22

Recently my husband found a message from an old friend/ex. The message was found 1 year after it was sent and it was only 1 message between us. The message had a very inappropriate sexual comment about our past which I relied to (but this part of the convo was us joking about the past). However it was very hurtful for my husband. The rest of the message was just catching up about what was going on in our lives. I talk about how happy I am with my husband (together 5 yrs married 3yrs). I also was giving the ex advice on his current relationship. I don’t really consider this an affair because we weren’t talking about getting together currently, however my husband feels it was infidelity. He is angry, hurt, upset, confused and in shock about the whole situation. I am mad and hurt that I did such a dumb and immature thing that really hurt him and I don’t know how to fix it. He says I just need to give him time to get over it which I am doing. I have apologized many times and I think he believes me. However he doesn’t have anyone to talk about this to, so he keeps talking about it to me. He says that after what he read he can’t stop mentally picturing it. I understand that no one wants to picture their spouse with someone else in a sexual manner. However I feel like if we keep talking about it, we won’t be able to get over it.
Separate from that issue, he said that over the last year or so he doesn’t feel like I love him anymore. He said that I never innate sex so he thinks I am not attracted to him. I come from a single parent home so I think part of my problem is that I don’t know how to be a wife. And we have a young child that I am very focused on.
I am willing to do whatever it takes to fix this relationship because I really do love my husband so much and I want this to work. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I have never had to deal with situations like this so I don’t know what to do.

Mavash.

I stopped reading after this. It's only ONE message and yet you gave him advice on his current relationship??? Huh?

Jellybeans

Marriage counselling.

Also, ask him what he needs from YOU. Tell him what you need from HIM.

Absolutely, positively NO CONTACT with that ex ever ever again if you respect and love your husband. Sever all ties completely and forever and never speak to him again.

Words are cheap. Actions are paramount.

Your husband said you never initiate so start doing it. The fact that he says you stopped initiating right around the time you were sexting with another man does NOT look good for you. 2 + 2 = 4.

Remember, you need to show him not just tell him you will do right.

And Mavash is right--there no zero need to be giving an ex or anyone else advice that you've knocked boots with in the past. That right there opens the door for an emotional affair. Do not discuss bad issues in your relationship with someone you've been in bed with before. Just...no.

freckleface

Were you sexting or was it a reference to your past? And by one message, I'm gathering you mean that one message out of the many was inappropriate?

In_The_Wind

Hi Lady although it may not seem or appear to be a big deal to you depending upon yr husbands background and what he has or hasnt been through in the past I feel that it is best to be completely transparent with your partner ie phone calls or emails etc from exes or any other convos with the opposite sex if you turned the tables and say your husband had contact with a ex and gave advise on their current relationship how would you feel ??? this is normally how affairs start btw something to consider anyway yes be as supportive as possible and answer any questions he may have about the contact and offer transparency in the future this should help him in restoring some trust and should bring yall closer maybe even suggest visiting a marriage counselor etc

Good Luck

Jellybeans

Empathize with him. Seriously. How would YOU feel if he did it to you and then maybe you can understand where he is coming from.

__________________
Exposure Letter

Letter to OM/OW

Wholady22

Correction, it was a back and forth im on facebook on 1 day only a year ago. We joked, caught up on our current lives ect. And by advice about his current relationship, he said that he was happy in his current relationship. And I said he should try not to mess it up. We have talked about our other problems dealing with sex and I am going to do everything he wants to fix it. I just dont know how to correct the im message issue. I need to regain his trust but i dont know how.

snap

That's the story she has for her husband, but there's little point to sticking to it here.

dormant

In your top post, you say he tells you he just needs time. There is your answer. Give him time.

In_The_Wind

To restore trust first one must be trustworthy ie honest, tell the truth, etc if say you are going to be home at 5pm be home at 5pm, it will come back slowly offer to go to mc if he feels like that would help, be available for him try to do things yall did when you first started going out FBhas caused more divorces in the past couple of years than anything be careful who you friend etc both me and my wife have fb accts neither one of us has any exes on our fb we also have each others passwords

Jellybeans

ASK HIM HOW you can regain his trust. Tell him you want to regain it but aren't sure how.

He is the person you need to ask.

So you told your ex not to mess up his current relationship and then started talking to him about sex you had in the past together? Because that was conducive to helping his current relationship?

...
...

Surely you realize that is NOT innocent.

Boundaries. Learn them. Enforce them. Keep them.

__________________
Exposure Letter

Letter to OM/OW

freckleface

Time + seeing your behavior as being trustworthy. Leave your FB open to him for a while so he can see that you're not doing anything goofy. Ask him if there's anything else in relation to that - do you need to delete the guy from FB? your phone? What would make him comfortable?

If he has no answers for those, be patient and let him figure them out. Hopefully he will communicate his needs to you. If you feel he's not, feel free to ask, gently. Don't be demanding about it - this has to happen on his terms. Try to be patient.

Overall it does not sound like a big deal in the grand scheme of things. But that doesn't mean it feels that way to him yet.

Just be gentle with him while he's figuring himself out.

Badblood

Reminiscing with an ex about a past slap and tickle session....really bad idea. Doing so at the same time you and your husband are having sexual issues.........really, really bad idea. So, You didn't know this? How old are you? So what part of all of this is going to make your husband feel any better, or give him any incentive to trust you? This is a pretty sh*tty thing to do. You need to come completely clean, never have ANY contact with this Ex again, and do whatever your husband says, to restore trust.

Jellybeans

That shouldn't even be a question. If she was serious about regaining her husband's trust, she would have deleted the dude off her Facebook & her phone/email/etc as soon as her husband brought up the emails, out of respect for her husband. Actions speak louder than words. As an extra precaution, she should delete all exes.

Actually it IS a big deal because her behavior has hurt her husband and her marriage and the trust is now broken. Those are tiny things.

__________________
Exposure Letter

Letter to OM/OW

thunderstruck

My W could have written something close to that 1st post. A few years ago, she "friended" her HS ex-bf on FB. About a month later, I got to see a few of their chats/messages. It was mostly friendly interchanges, but mixed in were some things that stuck a dagger in my heart. I shut them both down, and laid down my boundary - if she feels the need to contact any ex, I'm starting the D process. She went back and forth with apologies and defending herself - "I was drunk when I wrote that!" and "You shouldn't have looked!"

I didn't know about TAM, or any other marriage forum, and I didn't know what to do. I did the hysterical bonding thing, I got clingy, I got pizzed, we argued, etc. There really was no R in our case, and this is something that still bothers me years later. Trust is broken.

Wholady - be honest/open with your husband. Bust your azz to show him that you want a strong marriage. Believe me, you don't want something like this to fester in your H's brain for years.

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