The Bible says that there is a time for everything, under heaven. In the case of marital infidelity, it is as much about knowing WHEN to do something, as it is about IF something should be done. Recently, several COUPLES have come to TAM to discus their experiences with cheating, and to seek solidarity and advice. Posters, like myself and others, will give them advice, based upon our own experiences. Sometimes, this advice is considered by the Couples as helpful (or harmful), and sometimes this advice is based upon where we, as the advisors are in OUR OWN recovery from the affair. As you can see, the variables are wide and deep. The major problem is that usually the advice isn't wrong, but that the TIMING of it is wrong. I want to start a thread, where posters can come, and tell where THEY think that they are in their recovery, which I think will be very helpful to ALL posters, in deciding what advice to give, and if it is the proper time for that advice. BTW, it doesn't matter if you are reconciling or divorcing, what matters is where you, as a person , are at, in your recovery.
My situation has changed Dramatically. My marriage is over, my ex wife has moved to another part of the country, and I am entering into a new and very different relationship from the ones I have known in the past. Emotionally, I have gotten over my anger, but not my skepticism. I'm still willing to trust, but only so far. My affection for my ex wife is , even after D, still very strong, but it's the affection for the person I thought her to be , not the person she hid from my eyes, nor the person she became after the cheating took place. I have found that I'm actually much more hopeful about my new love, than I thought I would be at this stage.This is as much due to my new GF's character and actions as it is to anything I've done. So, in the main, I've recovered from the affair.
A timing thing well I have no idea where we are at, every day can be something different or just the same but here goes we are working on the R last Dday in mid May so that's it, had so great days, good days, bad days and down right sh*tty days. Today is well hasn't been the greatest but it's not over yet.
I want to start a thread, where posters can come, and tell where THEY think that they are in their recovery, which I think will be very helpful to ALL posters, in deciding what advice to give, and if it is the proper time for that advice.
People here are emotionaly comprimised.
It's likely they do not know where they are, or where they would like to believe they are, they aren't.
Having a 'order form' for the type of advice they would like based on what they would like to believe... Sounds dangerously close to telling people what they want to hear. No can do brother. It's sad but sometimes, the best advice is the least welcomed.
The Bible says that there is a time for everything, under heaven. In the case of marital infidelity, it is as much about knowing WHEN to do something, as it is about IF something should be done. Recently, several COUPLES have come to TAM to discus their experiences with cheating, and to seek solidarity and advice. Posters, like myself and others, will give them advice, based upon our own experiences. Sometimes, this advice is considered by the Couples as helpful (or harmful), and sometimes this advice is based upon where we, as the advisors are in OUR OWN recovery from the affair. As you can see, the variables are wide and deep. The major problem is that usually the advice isn't wrong, but that the TIMING of it is wrong. I want to start a thread, where posters can come, and tell where THEY think that they are in their recovery, which I think will be very helpful to ALL posters, in deciding what advice to give, and if it is the proper time for that advice. BTW, it doesn't matter if you are reconciling or divorcing, what matters is where you, as a person , are at, in your recovery.
I think that this is an awesome idea and could prove to be very helpful for those just arriving on TAM, which is usually in a very hurt and vulnerable state. I hope you don't mind this former WW saying that I'm proud of you for realizing this. I think that acknowledging it shows great personal growth for you, as well.
Now, with that having been said, don't let my flattery go to your head or I will put you back on my naughty list so fast that you won't see it coming. And trust me, with 5 kids, I have a direct line to the North Pole.
It's likely they do not know where they are, or where they would like to believe they are, they aren't.
Having a 'order form' for the type of advice they would like based on what they would like to believe... Sounds dangerously close to telling people what they want to hear. No can do brother. It's sad but sometimes, the best advice is the least welcomed.
Obviously, this is just my opinion.
I'm thinking more like telling them what they NEED to hear, at the proper time in their recovery. An example would be to try to get a BS to start having sex with the WS, before he/she had dealt with the "mind movies', of the affair. Or telling the WS that he/she need to "get over", the OP, while that person is still grieving the loss.
It was a matter of sorting out what I wanted to do and when. I went through all of the "stages", that a BS goes through, but I always knew what I wanted the result to be. I got lots of advice from posters here, but some of it fell flat, because it wasn't the time for it.
I actually started this thread because of something Betrayed 1 said. He said that some of his questions to Empty Inside weren't meant to be answered but were a "punch in her face". And Empty Inside stated that when this happened, it caused her work less on the R. I think that what happened with them was that they were at different stages of R, thus what was happening wasn't being productive or having the wanted effect. There is certainly a time when it's OK for the BS to "punch the WS in the face" ( I am speaking figuratively, of course) in order to vent his/her anger, and there is certainly a time when the WWS needs a punch in the face, to help him/her get over the affair. What seems to cause as much trouble as anything else, is knowing when to do what.
What issues are giving you the most problems and what ones do you have the best handle on?
Well let's see, I don't trust her, triggers are everywhere, self esteem issues (she says she has always been sexually satisfied, her issues were a lack of emotional / caring / not saying the things she needed to hear however everything she did from the one time to the sexting and pics was all sex I didn't really see the emotional benefit she was receiving from men telling her that they wanted to fu*k her) so not only do I feel like I haven't satisfied her of course my thoughts go to how he did / a size issue and I consider myself fairly well endowed. The abandonment of me our kids our relationship. How's that for a start then throw on top a bit of an ED issue and I want to get a rope and find a tall tree some days (thank god for my kids).
Have fun, I am sure I have some other things going on right now those are the things that jump out.
Well let's see, I don't trust her, triggers are everywhere, self esteem issues (she says she has always been sexually satisfied, her issues were a lack of emotional / caring / not saying the things she needed to hear however everything she did from the one time to the sexting and pics was all sex I didn't really see the emotional benefit she was receiving from men telling her that they wanted to fu*k her) so not only do I feel like I haven't satisfied her of course my thoughts go to how he did / a size issue and I consider myself fairly well endowed. The abandonment of me our kids our relationship. How's that for a start then throw on top a bit of an ED issue and I want to get a rope and find a tall tree some days (thank god for my kids).
Have fun, I am sure I have some other things going on right now those are the things that jump out.
::cu ssing:
SO many emotions so little time
OK, Dude I get that you are all over the place, emotionally. So.........how is that working for you? Doesn't seem to be helping much. That's what this thread is for. You need to TRY to prioritize your issues with her and she with you, because neither of you are going to get better if you don't do some work. How can either of you help the other, and how can either of you have any meaningful resolution? Do you and her communicate at all? If so then you need to explain to her what you need and vice versa, but how you gonna do that, if you don't identify what are the MOST important issues, and when do you need some work done on them? Think about it for a while, and see what troubles you the most and deal with that issue alone, then work on the others in their turn. She needs to do the same. This stuff needs to happen, whether you R or D.
Well let's see, I don't trust her, triggers are everywhere, self esteem issues (she says she has always been sexually satisfied, her issues were a lack of emotional / caring / not saying the things she needed to hear however everything she did from the one time to the sexting and pics was all sex I didn't really see the emotional benefit she was receiving from men telling her that they wanted to fu*k her) so not only do I feel like I haven't satisfied her of course my thoughts go to how he did / a size issue and I consider myself fairly well endowed. The abandonment of me our kids our relationship. How's that for a start then throw on top a bit of an ED issue and I want to get a rope and find a tall tree some days (thank god for my kids).
Have fun, I am sure I have some other things going on right now those are the things that jump out.
::cu ssing:
SO many emotions so little time
You are about where I am in my R.
We now know where you are, sort of...so i have to ask where is she right now? is she remorseful, defensive, answering your questions, not answering them?
How is your communications with each other, talking things out. Are you in counseling?
We work hard every day on some things, sure I posted (faking it) because some days it is too much. She has been doing a good job with her part of this, a couple of slips as far as forgetting my feelings or how little things can set off a huge explosion. Now not all those emotions are there every day or at the same time, once in awhile sure but I don't get so overwhelmed like I did. One of the first things I did was to break this down into pieces, how/why it started, the act itself, the continued contact, easier to swallow and to talk about then just randomly going through all at once.
Example yesterday I had some things on my mind nothing big just some random thoughts about this crap, well in the morning we fooled around a bit well I had some (ahem) problems, she was very good about it but it bothered me most of the day. So last night we talked it out, I told her why it bothered me so much (bothers every man when it happens) but now thinking that guy didn't have any problems gettin it done what is wrong with me ? I have a great desire for my wife always have so its something me and the Dr. and the IC will have to continue to work on. She understood and took all the blame, knowing that it her fault I have to put up with this crap in my head.
She has answered all of my questions, I did get some of the I don't remember excuses but I have been able to fill in the gaps with some digging. Over all I think our R is going fine progress most days but we still have miles to go before I sleep.
25Likes
It's all about timing. 
Re: It's all about timing. 
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:cu ssing:
