Can I ruin an Emotional Affair?
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Old 08-03-2012, 07:19 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Can I ruin an Emotional Affair?

My husband is having an emotional affair. I'm pretty sure it hasn't progressed to physical. However, there is no way to be definite about this.
He has exchanged 469 text messages with her in two weeks--that's more than my teen age daughter (who texts to people sitting across the lunch table!) sends in a month.
I confronted him about this, and he said "Sounds about right." He says they are just friends.
What do I do next? I don't want to leave, for several reasons, but I want to make his affair as impossible as I can. Is it possible to ruin an affair? I've considered just telling everyone about it. He's very big on appearances. Having his family know would be horrible for him. But I'm not sure what he's told them, and they might think I'm just be vindictive.
Any advice?
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Old 08-03-2012, 07:39 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can I ruin an Emotional Affair?

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Originally Posted by Luonnotar View Post
My husband is having an emotional affair. I'm pretty sure it hasn't progressed to physical. However, there is no way to be definite about this.
He has exchanged 469 text messages with her in two weeks--that's more than my teen age daughter (who texts to people sitting across the lunch table!) sends in a month.
I confronted him about this, and he said "Sounds about right." He says they are just friends.
What do I do next? I don't want to leave, for several reasons, but I want to make his affair as impossible as I can. Is it possible to ruin an affair? I've considered just telling everyone about it. He's very big on appearances. Having his family know would be horrible for him. But I'm not sure what he's told them, and they might think I'm just be vindictive.
Any advice?
Vindictive? Not sure what he's told them? That he is "friends" with another woman while married to you? That he has kept this OWs identity from you?

You are his wife. Unless the OW is a "friend of the family" (both of you) then this is an affair.

Heck yeah! Expose! Tell everyone about the texting. If the OW has a spouse, tell him too. No need for you to keep this "secret" to protect your H and this OW. It doesn't make sense that you would protect them.

Yes, if you want to save your marriage, you need to expose the affair.
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Old 08-03-2012, 07:42 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can I ruin an Emotional Affair?

if OW is married the best exposure is to tell her husband


you can also set some hard boundaries, letting him know that you will not be married in a 3 person marriage and unless he goes no contact, is completely transparent, gives you the entire truth and shows remorse that you will file for D
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Old 08-03-2012, 07:48 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can I ruin an Emotional Affair?

What kind of phone is it? Is it password protected? Have you asked to see the text messages? Can you ever get 10-15 minutes of uninterrupted time with his phone? (you have to have the password if he locks it)

Check out software called Mobile Spy (Mobile Spy - Monitor SMS Text Messages, Call Info and GPS Locations on iPhone, BlackBerry, Android, Windows Mobile and Symbian OS Smartphones. Spy Software for Monitoring your Cell Phone) it is the best cell phone monitoring tool out there. PM me if you have specific questions about the software.

Do you know who the Other Woman (OW) is? Is the OW married, or in a relationship? If you can find out who she is, and then expose the EA (emotional affair) to her partner, it will go a long way to helping you deal with this issue.

You must have hard irrefutable proof before you confront him further or attempt to expose the affair to anyone. Have you looked at the phone longs? Does he call her as well as text? If he calls her too, you need to go purchase several Voice Activated Recorders (VARs) they can be purchased at any office supply store, on-line, or at big retailers like Walmart, for under $50 each. Velcro one of the VARs under the drivers seat of his car, review what it records. You can replace the VAR with one of the others while you are reviewing it for inappropriate conversations.

Install monitoring software on any and all computers he has access to. You can find a good list of various monitoring programs here: Monitoring Software Review 2012 | Best Computer Monitoring Software | Monitor Activities on Your Computer - TopTenREVIEWS

Basically you need hard evidence before you do anything else. You need to prevent him from taking things underground. You will also have a much higher chance of blowing up his EA if you can show hard proof of inappropriate conversations to his family, friends, and co-workers, without proof, you could be made to look like a controlling, paranoid, jealous spouse.

A major component and draw of an affair is the secrecy involved in having one. You most definitely can and should ruin the affair, and the best way to do that is to remove the secrecy by exposing it. Once you have proof, and know more about the OW, you will have little difficulty in making things uncomfortable for them both. Best of luck to you, and please keep us posted.
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Old 08-03-2012, 07:57 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can I ruin an Emotional Affair?

He has a smartphone and doesn't lock it. However, he has it on him at all times; even sleeps with it. Been trying to get my hands on it for a while.
I know about the text messages from the phone bill. I checked the other day to make sure that the payment went through and noticed that he had exchanaged 469 texts with the same number in two weeks. Looked it up (the number) and found out it is the OW.
I do know her. He's been "friends" with her for almost two years. But it mostly stopped about a year ago; I thought he only saw her on Friday nights during bowling (he's on the same team.)
However, the kids have since told me she comes over when I'm at work (they are both unemployed). And I know he's been to her house because I was setting something up on his tablet PC and it has a wireless connection for her house.
She's divorced, and he has said he feels bad that she's alone with two kids and unemployed, so he helps out when he can.
Unfortunately, since she's divorced I can't tell on her. And I'm sure her family already knows as they (the OW, as well as my husband and her family) all bowl together.
It just feels so ... nasty to tattle on him. I know he's hurting me and my family (the kids have also complained about the attention he gives her family.)
Should I tell him, give her up or I tell? Or do I just tell his family and let him hate me?
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Old 08-03-2012, 08:04 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can I ruin an Emotional Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Luonnotar View Post
He has a smartphone and doesn't lock it. However, he has it on him at all times; even sleeps with it. Been trying to get my hands on it for a while.
I know about the text messages from the phone bill. I checked the other day to make sure that the payment went through and noticed that he had exchanaged 469 texts with the same number in two weeks. Looked it up (the number) and found out it is the OW.
I do know her. He's been "friends" with her for almost two years. But it mostly stopped about a year ago; I thought he only saw her on Friday nights during bowling (he's on the same team.)
However, the kids have since told me she comes over when I'm at work (they are both unemployed). And I know he's been to her house because I was setting something up on his tablet PC and it has a wireless connection for her house.
She's divorced, and he has said he feels bad that she's alone with two kids and unemployed, so he helps out when he can.
Unfortunately, since she's divorced I can't tell on her.
And I'm sure her family already knows as they (the OW, as well as my husband and her family) all bowl together.
It just feels so ... nasty to tattle on him. I know he's hurting me and my family (the kids have also complained about the attention he gives her family.)
Should I tell him, give her up or I tell? Or do I just tell his family and let him hate me?
WTF????

So whilst you are at work, he's " helping " this * damsel in distress * and texting her phone and YOU PAY THE BILLS?

You need to reconfigure the boundaries and set new rules....
If he's unemployed and she's unemployed then you are in control. Stop begging him and demand that he cuts off all contact.
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Last edited by Caribbean Man; 08-03-2012 at 08:21 AM.
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Old 08-03-2012, 08:06 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can I ruin an Emotional Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Luonnotar View Post
He has a smartphone and doesn't lock it. However, he has it on him at all times; even sleeps with it. Been trying to get my hands on it for a while.
I know about the text messages from the phone bill. I checked the other day to make sure that the payment went through and noticed that he had exchanaged 469 texts with the same number in two weeks. Looked it up (the number) and found out it is the OW.
I do know her. He's been "friends" with her for almost two years. But it mostly stopped about a year ago; I thought he only saw her on Friday nights during bowling (he's on the same team.)
However, the kids have since told me she comes over when I'm at work (they are both unemployed). And I know he's been to her house because I was setting something up on his tablet PC and it has a wireless connection for her house.
She's divorced, and he has said he feels bad that she's alone with two kids and unemployed, so he helps out when he can.
Unfortunately, since she's divorced I can't tell on her. And I'm sure her family already knows as they (the OW, as well as my husband and her family) all bowl together.
It just feels so ... nasty to tattle on him. I know he's hurting me and my family (the kids have also complained about the attention he gives her family.)
Should I tell him, give her up or I tell? Or do I just tell his family and let him hate me?
Excuse me? "Tattle on HIM"? You are his wife, and if she is coming over to YOUR house (while I assume you are at work supporting him) in all likely hood, they are having sex. So the question here is whether you want it over or not?

You realize that you do need to stand up for yourself and your marriage if you have any expectation at all of making this marriage work. You will have to play "hard ball" and actually DEMAND no contact with this OW, no compromise. In order to accomplish this, you will have to be willing to end the marriage if he chooses to continue with this OW. There is no other choice.
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Old 08-03-2012, 08:09 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Im at a loss for words. Why on earth would you want to be protecting this dysfunctional behavior? By "telling on him" you send a clear message that the dysfunctional behavior he is engaging in will not be tolerated. You really should not be comfortable with your husband spending time alone with another woman, especially a single woman, especially a single woman that is having an affair with him.

Get his phone while he is asleep. Maybe serve him a few drinks at dinner or something along those lines. You need to see the text messages, and get copies of them. Since he spends time alone with her at your house, you need to place VARs in the rooms where you think they are spending time to record their conversations.

You need to set an example for your kids. Not standing up for yourself or your marriage is sending them the wrong messages. Your husband is acting inappropriately on many levels. This needs to stop. Now.
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Old 08-03-2012, 08:13 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can I ruin an Emotional Affair?

stop being afraid

by putting your foot down, so to speak, you get your answer

he either goes NC, is transparent and shows remorse and you can consider R

or he doesn't and you know that you lost him already

the answer is already present, it's just a matter of finding it
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Old 08-03-2012, 08:35 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can I ruin an Emotional Affair?

Hi.
I am glad you found us. What you need to understand is that is the largest threat to your emotional, financial and importantly your future. Right now he has zero respect for you, he has shown this by telling you to not worry about it. He is in the FOG. In other words he wants, or already has got into her pants. he doesn't think this, he is rescuing her. This must stop and sto now if you have any chance of avoiding Divorce.
She is Divorced so exposure there is useless. His family need to know what he is doing. Yes, he will be very angry with you because you are taking away his fantasy.
Expose. Do it now.
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Old 08-03-2012, 08:48 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can I ruin an Emotional Affair?

Ugh.
Paladin, as for why I'm hesitant, it's because all of this started about money and communication three months ago. He pointed out many things I've been doing wrong in our relationship. He had valid points, so I have reading books like Divorce Busters and Dr. Laura to try and fix our relationship and get past those things.
I did NOT know about the OW.
This whole thing suddenly changed from being money and us to being a third person and serious betrayal within the last week.
I just spent the last half hour in the rest room losing my breakfast, so yeah, I'm scared. (And considering I'm at work, extremely embarrassed.)
But you are all right. Would I want my daughter to act the way I'm acting? No. Would I want my son to think this is an appropriate way for a man to act? No.
So. I guess what it comes down to is do I confront him tonight with just the few facts I have (number of text messages, and reports from kids), or do I spend a day or two finding out more?
And do I confront him and then tell everyone or the other way around?
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Old 08-03-2012, 08:54 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can I ruin an Emotional Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Luonnotar View Post
Ugh.
Paladin, as for why I'm hesitant, it's because all of this started about money and communication three months ago. He pointed out many things I've been doing wrong in our relationship. He had valid points, so I have reading books like Divorce Busters and Dr. Laura to try and fix our relationship and get past those things.
I did NOT know about the OW.
This whole thing suddenly changed from being money and us to being a third person and serious betrayal within the last week.
I just spent the last half hour in the rest room losing my breakfast, so yeah, I'm scared. (And considering I'm at work, extremely embarrassed.)
But you are all right. Would I want my daughter to act the way I'm acting? No. Would I want my son to think this is an appropriate way for a man to act? No.
So. I guess what it comes down to is do I confront him tonight with just the few facts I have (number of text messages, and reports from kids), or do I spend a day or two finding out more?
And do I confront him and then tell everyone or the other way around?
Miss,
It is already having a negative effect on you !
You are already blaming yourself for his indiscretions.
It is a man's duty to provide for and protect his family.
You have now become the bread winner, because of unfortunate circumstances, and you still have to fend off this scabrous,scandalous and malicious other woman's incursions into YOUR family?
That is CRAZY .....

This is NOT a time to be afraid!!!! This is YOUR husband, YOUR family...
Let this woman go target some other man...
She should be afraid,NOT YOU!

Your kids have already been negatively affected,that is why they told you about it!

You already have enough evidence IMO [ I may be wrong],
Confront him NOW, and STAND FIRM.
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Last edited by Caribbean Man; 08-03-2012 at 09:03 AM.
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Old 08-03-2012, 08:55 AM   #13 (permalink)
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hell by the sheer fact he won't show you the texts or his phone speaks volumes to what it actually is, I suppose the evidence gathering that I would want to do is to see if it has gone PA
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Old 08-03-2012, 09:14 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Luonnotar View Post
Ugh.
Paladin, as for why I'm hesitant, it's because all of this started about money and communication three months ago. He pointed out many things I've been doing wrong in our relationship. He had valid points, so I have reading books like Divorce Busters and Dr. Laura to try and fix our relationship and get past those things.
I did NOT know about the OW.
This whole thing suddenly changed from being money and us to being a third person and serious betrayal within the last week.
I just spent the last half hour in the rest room losing my breakfast, so yeah, I'm scared. (And considering I'm at work, extremely embarrassed.)
But you are all right. Would I want my daughter to act the way I'm acting? No. Would I want my son to think this is an appropriate way for a man to act? No.
So. I guess what it comes down to is do I confront him tonight with just the few facts I have (number of text messages, and reports from kids), or do I spend a day or two finding out more?
And do I confront him and then tell everyone or the other way around?
Spouses that keep secrets, such as your H, tend to re-write the marital history to make things appear to be your fault. Don't buy into it. Sure, none of us are perfect, but we don't deserve to be cheated on nor told that these affairs are somehow "our fault". And, especially since now you have the sole burden of financially supporting the family PLUS the household burden, while he "plays" with his new gf, it's disingenuous of him to place that guilt on you.

Please take care of yourself. This is not your fault. You obviously have to work outside the home to support the family, and that, in and of itself, is stressful. No matter what you read and what you do to make the marriage better, this affair is solely his fault and not yours. If he spent less time with his OW, and more time focusing on your burden and helping you, perhaps he would be able to contribute financially to the family more than he has done. This financial burden is a heavy one for one person to carry. And whatever he deems that you have done "wrong" doesn't justify him having an affair.

When you do decide to confront him, be prepared to act upon anything you deem as a consequence. He either ends this thing NOW or___________. Whatever that _________ is, you must be prepared to follow through, even if that includes him leaving the marital home, but surely he has to end all communications with the OW immediately and completely.
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Old 08-03-2012, 09:18 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can I ruin an Emotional Affair?

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Originally Posted by Luonnotar View Post
Ugh.
Paladin, as for why I'm hesitant, it's because all of this started about money and communication three months ago. He pointed out many things I've been doing wrong in our relationship. He had valid points, so I have reading books like Divorce Busters and Dr. Laura to try and fix our relationship and get past those things.
I did NOT know about the OW.
This whole thing suddenly changed from being money and us to being a third person and serious betrayal within the last week.
I just spent the last half hour in the rest room losing my breakfast, so yeah, I'm scared. (And considering I'm at work, extremely embarrassed.)
But you are all right. Would I want my daughter to act the way I'm acting? No. Would I want my son to think this is an appropriate way for a man to act? No.
So. I guess what it comes down to is do I confront him tonight with just the few facts I have (number of text messages, and reports from kids), or do I spend a day or two finding out more?
And do I confront him and then tell everyone or the other way around?
You're the breadwinner here. You could do better on your own.

I am curious as to what your husband claimed that you were doing wrong before you realised a third party in the picture.
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