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Has she cheated or not?

86K views 228 replies 50 participants last post by  jeff_r 
#1 ·
Hello, this is my 1st time posting on any site so I am extremely nervous. I am desperate for some others opinions/advice/experience on my situation. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read my whole dilemma. I greatly appreciate any advice you can give!
My story goes like this -
I married my high school sweetheart 4 years ago. We were not always together but seemed to always have wanted to be. I left our hometown after college to explore the world. We did not keep in touch.
Ran back into her at a wedding ~10 yrs. later and everything seemed to fall in place. My job was flexible so I could relocate back home, she was finishing her Master's w/ a good job lined up. We were both in our late 20's and seemed ready for the next step in life. So we got married. May have been the happiest day of my life so far!
We got a house and were starting to think about starting a family. We have some student loan debt so we decided to hold off a little while on the family to be more stable financially.
My wife had never given me any reasons to question any of her actions until about 4 months after our marriage. She started getting random texts late at night from her Ex (the last guy she dated before we got married).
- sidenote - I found out their ending was not the best scenario as she pretty much left him for me. I was told they were broken up when we met at the wedding and she did not see their relationship continuing in any way. So I was ok asking her out that 1st time. I am very respective of someone's relationship and would not want to be the reason for a break up.
Back to the texts...
I don’t want everyone to think that I was being nosy at this point in our relationship (yet). She had the type of phone that flashes when a new text is there, and the text shows up on the phone's screen until you open it. So I see the name of her Ex and the 1st few lines of the text and decide to open it. It was some lyrics from a country love song. So I asked her about it and she tells me not to worry, he is just heartbroken bc we got married. I told her that I thought it was inappropriate for an Ex to contact her and asked her to nicely ask him to stop. She said she did.
Fast forward to the 7th month of our marriage.
I had been cheated on before so I made a note of that Ex's ph. #. My wife started acting a little distant and strange so I got this painful feeling in my stomach. I had also just been out of town on business for a week during which she did not answer or return some of my calls. So I decided to cross reference the Ex's ph. # on the last month's ph. bill. To my crushing surprise I found out my worse fear. There were hours and hours of conversation. And over 10 hours just in the week I was out of town. I was devastated. I checked back 3 months and saw that activity of long phone conversations started only 3 months after our marriage. Around the same time as those supposedly harmless texts from her Ex started and she supposedly handled!
So now my dilemma began. What do I do? How do I confront her?
I decided to just ask her. But ask in a way that she had to admit to the guilt. So I simply ask: “Do you ever talk to your Ex?" She looked me straight in the eye and says "NO." I am even more devastated! So now she has lied and maybe cheated!
We go to talk it out. I am ready to leave her. I really try to be a good husband. I can be a little nagging because of my OCD (like things neat and clean) but I always put her 1st. So to be lied and cheated on when I carefully waited for the right girl and did not get married until I was absolutely ready and had no desire to be w/ any other women, will not be tolerated!
She bawls her eyes out and tells me how she is just talking to him; never had they had any physical contact during those months of excessive talking. She explains how he is sad and she just feels bad bc of the way she ended it w/ him.
I forgive her and believe her. I love her so much, I was just not ready to give up on what I think could be a great partnership.
Our physical relationship had been falling off and from this point was back to where it was early in our relationship. So I began to gain trust in her again.
Fast forward 14 months.
My wife began to have that same distant behavior as before. We only had sex one or twice a month. My wishes in the marriage were not really being met. I was under the impression that a couple was supposed to work at the marriage to make the other spouse happy. I do what I think are the things a good husband would do. I cook, I do dishes, laundry, clean etc. I search message boards on how to make a marriage work to make sure I am doing the right things and not making my wife NOT want to be w/ me physically. This had gone on for a few months so I started to get that same pain in my gut as i did 14 months ago.
This caused my curiosity to start going crazy. Could she be doing it again? So, against my conscious (I know invading privacy is not conducive to a good marriage), I checked her texts. Amazingly I found just what I was looking for but certainly did not want to see. There were 100's of texts going back and forth w/ that Ex. All of which were very inappropriate for a married woman to have. "I miss you's, good morning babe", etc. I was shaking and did not know what to do. This discovery was around 3 am, so I wasn’t sure if I should wake her or discuss in the morning. I could not sleep anyway so I decided to wake her. As you can imagine she was blindsided by this. Frantically apologized but didn’t really seem sorry. She said it was just fantasy. Blah Blah... I was really ready to call it quits now.
But again, my heart still yearned for her love. I still feel we have such a potential if she would just join my team.
What I have to express is that when my wife is happy she does seem like the perfect fit. She is beautiful, has a great career, comes from a great family and gets along great w/ mine. Why can’t we just be happy together? Why do I seem controlling bc I ask things of her that would make me happy? I would do just about anything she asks me if it made her happy. And I do!
Fast forward 9 months -
Things in our marriage have been up and down. Sometimes they are so great and I feel things are going to be ok, then a fight over something very minute occurs and I am left wondering if we will make it.
So lately I have been having that pain in my stomach again. Our bedroom activity has become very routine and sparse. Maybe once or twice a month and she just seems to be going through the motions.
We have been going out w/ my male friends a lot lately. A lot of drinking and fun ensues. This may seem like things are going great but one recently divorced friend of mine has my suspicions up again. He does not seem like my wife's type at 1st. Kind of chubby and out of shape. I usually would not be worried about this guy taking any girl away from me (we have been friends for 15 yrs. and has not happened). But he has an attitude that comes off as tough even though he couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag! (sorry, I'm upset) And I have recently started to think my wife is very attracted to that kind of attitude (I am more of a gentle giant).
I hadn’t really thought much of this until about 3 months ago.
We went out for a mutual friend's BDay (female) to a local bar. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary until I started to notice the extended period of time they kept leaving to go smoke cigarettes outside (no smoking inside the bar).
- Sidenote - My wife used to smoke in high school, quit in college but she will still have a cigarette or 2 when she has had some alcoholic drinks. She usually would never have more than 2 as she knows I hate cigarette smoke. But this is one of the other red flags regarding this friend's relationship w/ my wife. None of my other friends smoke so they have bonded w/ it. Every time he is over our house or out w/ us for dinner/drinks (which has been at least once a week for the last 4 months since he divorced) they share nearly a whole pack of cigarettes. More info to come on this scenario and how it’s raised my suspicions this time.
We were at the bar for about 3 hours and they were gone for 30 minutes at a time for at least 4-5 times to smoke. I was even approached by another group of females who were not deterred by my wedding ring during one of their smoke breaks. I was scared my wife was going to come back and catch me talking to them. She isn’t a crazy jealous type but can have some major issues w/ the scenario I was being put in. Luckily the group finally noticed I was married (bc I had to tell them) and left. My wife was gone this whole time so my worry was for not. I even told her I was just about to be picked up by these chicks and she didn’t really seem to care. Oh well, it was nice to know I am still desirable to other women even though I would never cheat! :)
The next red flag came when we had some of my buddies over for dinner and drinks. Another friend came over late and missed dinner so we ordered out to grab him something. The place was w/in walking distance so he and I went to get his food. I left my suspicious friend alone w/ my wife. Like I said, I would never think my wife would be attracted to this guy so I didn’t think much of it at the time, but while I was out getting the food, the weekend out where I noticed the long smoke breaks popped in my head. So I started wondering. Luckily the food was ready very quickly so we were only gone about 15 minutes. Came back home where both my wife and my suspicious friend had been smoking on the back porch, but neither one of them were there. My suspicion went through the roof! I started to go upstairs but came back down to check the bathroom in the hall. When I came back down the stairs the suspicious friend popped out of nowhere in the kitchen. I knocked on the bathroom door after waiting a little while (longer than it should have taken for my wife to do her biz) and asked what she was doing. She seemed guilty but that could have just been my adrenaline. I asked her straight up if she had been in there w/ my friend. She said I was crazy! What I am talking about? I am just drunk!
I let it go.
I did agree w/ her, though. It was crazy for me to think she would like him. Of all my friends, he would probably be my least worry.
But over the last couple of months have continued to notice their growing closer along w/ her increased smoking. She even has started smoking when he is not around. And not only when she is drinking. I confronted her about it and she got extremely defensive w/ me. I let that go as well. I really don’t want to seem controlling.
But their growing relationship got my suspicions up so high I got the idea that maybe I should check the phone bill like I had before w/ my wife's Ex BF. She has no reason to speak on the phone w/ this friend of mine. Outside of my friendship w/ him, he was not her friend. So upon my search I found a 50 minute conversation w/ him from the Monday after the night out for my friend's BDay where the excessive smoke breaks occurred.
I also found a couple other very late night conversations of 15-30 minutes. One 30 min call was on a Saturday night when the guys were over and I had passed out earlier than the rest of the group (had too many drinks, not enough sleep). Isn’t it strange for her to talk on the phone to him at 12:30 am for 30 minutes when I am asleep?
Now this has me feeling exactly the same way as when I caught her talking to her Ex BF in the early stages of our marriage. But even worse is that if my friend is guilty, he has betrayed me too! He is not the greatest friend but 15 years of friendship should count for something, right?
So over the last few days I have been watching her behavior. She is taking her cell everywhere she goes. Turning it off at night for bed. She even has a work cell phone that is always locked and I don’t have the code nor would I need to if she were honest. I think she is using the work phone mostly now bc there are not any records of phone calls to him or anyone suspicious. There is no way for me to monitor that phone, so what better way to keep secrets from me? Do I have the right to ask her to unlock it and let me see the texts and phone calls?
But what I was able to find is that she is texting someone and deleting those texts. My phone's online portal service has the amount of texts sent but does not give any details on to whom or the content of the messages. So I kept count for 1 day. When I looked at her phone, only half of the 48 texts from that day were there. The ones to a girlfriend of hers were there. The last ones of those came at 3:00 pm, but she got 28 or so more after that time in which there were no texts on her phone to account for those texts.
Also she is coming home more and more often smelling like cigarette smoke. I also know she is not buying them bc she does not own any packs. I know she is getting them from someone. But who? Is it really my friend? Is it someone I don’t know?

What do I do? I want to be married, but I also want to be happy!
 
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#34 ·
From what you told us about your your wife and her past, something tells me she has entittlement issues. She can do what ever she wants and gets what ever she wants. She has learned to manage you just like she has managed her parent as a youth.

So my point is her cheating is just something she has the right to do, sure its wrong but when you do get better proof (like the VAR or a PI) you will get the blame shifting that comes with this kind of women.

Some times even a smoking gun isn't good enough...deniel is powerful, and thinking the unthinkable is tough. So for your own good you need to get to the bottom of this.

You diserve good things and it so appearant that your are not happy and this chick is bringing out the worst in you.

I hope you don't have kids, this is not the kind of women that you want to grow old with. She seems broken and sure she can get help but will she...will she ever?

Even to save her marriage? I have my doubts! See I don't think this is the kind of women that will change your bed pan when your old and bed ridden. I think you diserve better.

So, please spend some dough and get the evidence that will give you the confidence to make the next dicision for the next stage of your life. You owe that to your self.....
 
#59 ·
See I don't think this is the kind of women that will change your bed pan when your old and bed ridden.
Pay close attention to what the Guy is saying. When I had my vasectomy, my wife plopped me down in my easy chair, turned the TV on and gave me a bag of frozen vegetables to comfort myself. That was the extent of the care that she gave me that weekend. Looking back, this should've been a major red flag on what she thought of me.

Your wife, like mine, is not the type to take care of her spouse when he's in need.

RUN AWAY AS QUICK AS YOU CAN!
 
#35 ·
I cook, I do dishes, laundry, clean etc. I search message boards on how to make a marriage work to make sure I am doing the right things and not making my wife NOT want to be w/ me physically.
How's that working for you? All you need to add to, "I cook, I do dishes, laundry, clean etc." is "allowing her to lay up on her lard azz talking to other guys". I've got news for you Tex; women who love, respect, and have a sexual interest in their old man don't lay around talking to other guys while only working a cigarette. "Gentle Giants" in aprons asking, "what else can I do for you my queen" get cheated on and left holding the bag. Some of us need to talk to you.
 
#37 ·
Kick his A$$ or back him down in a harsh way in front of your wife and see if your wife doesn't come running back.

Go outside with her when she smokes.

You are kind of slow on the uptake. You don't do a good job of watching your business.
 
#41 ·
Kick his A$$ or back him down in a harsh way in front of your wife and see if your wife doesn't come running back.

Go outside with her when she smokes.

You are kind of slow on the uptake. You don't do a good job of watching your business.
:iagree:
I couldn't have said it better myself!
This nasty POS coming in YOUR house , encouraging YOUR wife to chain smoke with him,sneaking around and trying to get into her pants IN YOUR HOUSE?
 
#43 ·
What sucks is when he stands up to OM he will look like the bad guy in his WW eyes. {in a winy voice} "we're just friends"

I'm all for a good ass kicking, just have the proof to back it up. Or if you catch them red handed.

There are to many red flags here...she cheating!

Set up some cams and some VARS and then you can handle it and confront both of them...just make sure you are built for some jail time if you kick his butt.
 
#44 ·
Ok, the cold hard truth. You are hubby, security, future. In other words, the PAYCHECK. YES she was doing him in the bathroom while you was gone. In your home. Friends ?? Read bff thread of wifey and BEST friend, he just confirmed. Read is my wife cheating, by another BS, scumbag om sounds like your friend, chubby and got nothing going on. She know there is no future with them, but like the thrill of cheating. So she do it with scum she won't be leaving her security for.

BUT, why do you keep giving this woman the power to play you ?? Are you so desparate you can't find a better woman ??
You ae young enough to start over with the real thing, once you dump this serial cheater. And make no mistake, she is just that.
You may even get her to stop, but once the kids come, sooner or later she will cheat again. So you will be back here again.

So here is what you do. 1. Don't confront again. Get the VARS and catch her. 2. Expose her to everyone near and far. 3.Try to act as if you still have no inkling she is cheating, then bring her world crashing down.
I TRULY hope you are not so caught up in this fantasy life you want with her, that you are took weak to accept this and take her back.
At your age, you got your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it trying to fix the unfixable,,, HER.
 
#50 ·
Well, she might want him to kill that spider. But he's gona still want her to do certain female things for him. Most people realize that there are very big differences between men and women. Even our brains are different. Our body chemistry works differently.

This does not mean that women cannot have a job, contribute to society in meaningful ways and have independence. And that does not mean that men and women cannot still have their differences.
 
#86 ·
Okay, so I read the whole thread...... just so you know, something is most definitely going on between your friend and your wife. I'll tell one of my stories...
I had a co-worker/friend that I had known for maybe a year, and we walked home together after work, hung out a lot, talked a lot at work. I always had a weird feeling about her (I didn't know why really) but kept on being friends with her, helped her with a lot of things, etc. I still cared for her as a friend. A lot of weird things happened when she was around my H, but because I trusted him so much at the time I didn't see it fully for what it was. Things like, if we went rollerblading, she would be right up behind him and I would be left trailing behind...Anyway, after that incident, about a week later she called me crying, saying her and her boyfriend broke up and she sounded distressed like she had nowhere to turn. So dumb old me trying to help her says, "you can stay with us until you find a place to live" so she comes on over. Spends time with us all day long, and that same night my H started acting like he hated me and I had done something wrong (he had kind of been doing this the whole week, but it turned into a very obvious thing by that night) My friend was there the whole time, so I felt I couldn't do anything to help his and my situation (and I was very trusting)...anyway, to make a long story short, I went to bed at 12:00 angry and tired (had to go to work in the morning), leaving those two alone (stupid idea).

At around 3:00 in the morning, I woke up, H not lying beside me, they are no where to be found, I run outside in the rain to go find them in my car....they pull up that same second in her car, I run to the car cursing and swearing. They swear nothing "like that" happened (and at the time I thought the same as you....this girl is so ugly he would never touch her) I seriously believed that she was not his type nor would he ever think to touch someone like that! But I was sooo wrong. Anyway, dumb old me wanted to believe nothing happened, so I did. I chose to ignore the facts, and believe both of them. They claimed they just went for a drive to talk because he was angry with me, and needed to talk to someone unbiased....so.. in denial I went. I allowed her to stay, and the next day I went to work (H dropped me off, and he also "went to work") At 11:00 I found out that my H had "gone home" because he was feeling "sick" my friend didn't show up to work that day. Long story short, at the end of that day, my H sat me down and confessed what they had done. I was P*$$@! To this day that so called "friend" would never admit to it, but completely denies it and went back to her ex-boyfriend right away after that.. but deep down I knew that my denial got the best of me.

Point is....something's up with your wife for sure! People act nuts when they're doing pathetic things. And you said she's been talking on the phone with your friend? That's it.. Either something has already been done or it's going to happen. Get on top of it, right now before it's too late.
 
#88 ·
Oh....a lot of things, lots good...but tons of bad things. The bad things overriding the good.

More cheating, more lying. That first bash was just the tip of the iceberg for us. I just didn't know it at the time. I forgave him that time because I hadn't truly known or believed the type of man he is. He had me believing it was my fault for letting her in the house. I now know that was BS obviously. But at the time I was in my own type of love fog.

But we are still together today, but lots of trust issues and baggage to carry now.
 
#96 ·
As a fellow Texan, I would also suggest that you take a look at the Family Code for Texas. Only then will you see whats in store if things turn south for you. Your obligations by law, her obligations by law, and what happens to everything.
I only say this because I was quite suprised at how they stick it to us dads here, even in light of an unfaithful hoe of an exwife.
Infidelty means nothing in Tx court of law. They chalk it all up to "differences" and follow the standard order simply to clear the books for the day.
It might at least give you an idea of what to be looking for, and the reasons why you should be looking.
 
#100 ·
From everything you've written it should be easy to actually catch them.

As I said in the earlier post - they appear to get be happy to jump at any opportunity they have, so you can easily set them up.

You need a couple of VARs. Put one in her car with velcro holding it in.

Put another where they smoke outside your house, again secure it with velcro.

Lastly put one under your dining table with velcro. Then get a call from work, or some other reason to leave for a minimum of 1 hour.

then come back, make a lot of noise as your come home, but come back after only 40 min instead of 60.

Then later collect the VARs and listen to them. What I believe you'll find is them at the table talking about what they can do with the hour. Later you'll hear them talkiing outside about almost getting caught etc.

The VAR in the car is to catch her after you confront her. It will catch her calling him from her car right after you confront her and she's left to "give you space"
 
#101 ·
There are few issues w/ your suggestions due to logistics.
I work from home full time so I am always here. To make an excuse to leave for an hour would be difficult. I will try something though. Also, bc I work from home, we only have 1 vehicle. I have planted the VAR in the car though. I did not get velcro bc of time constraints over the weekend, but it should be secured and hidden well.
The other thing is that my friend does not come to our house all that often. It had been once or twice a week, but he has other obligations now that will cut down on that time considerably. And when they go to smoke while at our house, we are all usually outside so they do not usually smoke alone at the house. Only when we go out to bars as a group.
 
#104 ·
It never took more than what I saw and heard with my own, to know the ex was up to no good. I am not an advocate of snooping, only because the eight months I lived that way was nothing but pure, living, hell.
You know what you know, and your head and heart are telling you. Turning the goal into gathering evidence, as opposed to planning, and getting your plan together may very well leave you holding a bag of evidence, when she serves you papers.
 
#105 ·
I do agree w/ what you are saying about what my gut is telling me. I am a very organized planner, so I am already mentally getting ready for my exit. I feel like I need hard evidence bc of outside family pressure, though. As I mentioned my wife and I seemed destined to be together from highschool but never had the right opportunity until we were older. She is related to my best friend from childhood who is like a brother to me. Our wedding was awesome and everyone thought we were a match made in heaven. On paper we seem perfect. My parents love her like their own daughter and her parents love me like their own son. So for me to just leave her bc I have a hunch will be very difficult. Besides if she is cheating, she deserves to be exposed and have everyone know what she did to me. She care a lot about what other people think, especially her parents. If they find out what she has done, the shame will be extraordinary!
 
#106 ·
Just dont let it take ahold of you, and keep you stuck looking for more and more, simply becuase you are giving her the benefit of the doubt. Dont make excuses for her. What everyone in your family, and her family thinks is of NO consequence. My ex actually started on Xanax shortly prior to her indiscretions, and when I saw all the texts back and forth on the cell phone bill, she split our cell phone plan into seperate plans, to prevent me from looking.

The position of snooping is one of weakness and powerlessness. When you find solid evidence, you will find ways to negate it and dismiss it. So, MORE will be necessary.
To see her "shamed" is really a miniscule goal to have right now...
becuase none of it will matter, her family, her, mutual friends, none of it, when its all said and done.

coming from a guy that was in the middle of finding out more and more information, when I was given the divorce papers instead of filing myself. ALL that "detective work" didnt matter one-damned-bit.
Her family, is going to side with her no matter what. It is not your job, to prove to them what kind of cheater she is. Even so, if it were plain as day, what would their shame in her do for you?
 
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