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Has she cheated or not?

86K views 228 replies 50 participants last post by  jeff_r 
#1 ·
Hello, this is my 1st time posting on any site so I am extremely nervous. I am desperate for some others opinions/advice/experience on my situation. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read my whole dilemma. I greatly appreciate any advice you can give!
My story goes like this -
I married my high school sweetheart 4 years ago. We were not always together but seemed to always have wanted to be. I left our hometown after college to explore the world. We did not keep in touch.
Ran back into her at a wedding ~10 yrs. later and everything seemed to fall in place. My job was flexible so I could relocate back home, she was finishing her Master's w/ a good job lined up. We were both in our late 20's and seemed ready for the next step in life. So we got married. May have been the happiest day of my life so far!
We got a house and were starting to think about starting a family. We have some student loan debt so we decided to hold off a little while on the family to be more stable financially.
My wife had never given me any reasons to question any of her actions until about 4 months after our marriage. She started getting random texts late at night from her Ex (the last guy she dated before we got married).
- sidenote - I found out their ending was not the best scenario as she pretty much left him for me. I was told they were broken up when we met at the wedding and she did not see their relationship continuing in any way. So I was ok asking her out that 1st time. I am very respective of someone's relationship and would not want to be the reason for a break up.
Back to the texts...
I don’t want everyone to think that I was being nosy at this point in our relationship (yet). She had the type of phone that flashes when a new text is there, and the text shows up on the phone's screen until you open it. So I see the name of her Ex and the 1st few lines of the text and decide to open it. It was some lyrics from a country love song. So I asked her about it and she tells me not to worry, he is just heartbroken bc we got married. I told her that I thought it was inappropriate for an Ex to contact her and asked her to nicely ask him to stop. She said she did.
Fast forward to the 7th month of our marriage.
I had been cheated on before so I made a note of that Ex's ph. #. My wife started acting a little distant and strange so I got this painful feeling in my stomach. I had also just been out of town on business for a week during which she did not answer or return some of my calls. So I decided to cross reference the Ex's ph. # on the last month's ph. bill. To my crushing surprise I found out my worse fear. There were hours and hours of conversation. And over 10 hours just in the week I was out of town. I was devastated. I checked back 3 months and saw that activity of long phone conversations started only 3 months after our marriage. Around the same time as those supposedly harmless texts from her Ex started and she supposedly handled!
So now my dilemma began. What do I do? How do I confront her?
I decided to just ask her. But ask in a way that she had to admit to the guilt. So I simply ask: “Do you ever talk to your Ex?" She looked me straight in the eye and says "NO." I am even more devastated! So now she has lied and maybe cheated!
We go to talk it out. I am ready to leave her. I really try to be a good husband. I can be a little nagging because of my OCD (like things neat and clean) but I always put her 1st. So to be lied and cheated on when I carefully waited for the right girl and did not get married until I was absolutely ready and had no desire to be w/ any other women, will not be tolerated!
She bawls her eyes out and tells me how she is just talking to him; never had they had any physical contact during those months of excessive talking. She explains how he is sad and she just feels bad bc of the way she ended it w/ him.
I forgive her and believe her. I love her so much, I was just not ready to give up on what I think could be a great partnership.
Our physical relationship had been falling off and from this point was back to where it was early in our relationship. So I began to gain trust in her again.
Fast forward 14 months.
My wife began to have that same distant behavior as before. We only had sex one or twice a month. My wishes in the marriage were not really being met. I was under the impression that a couple was supposed to work at the marriage to make the other spouse happy. I do what I think are the things a good husband would do. I cook, I do dishes, laundry, clean etc. I search message boards on how to make a marriage work to make sure I am doing the right things and not making my wife NOT want to be w/ me physically. This had gone on for a few months so I started to get that same pain in my gut as i did 14 months ago.
This caused my curiosity to start going crazy. Could she be doing it again? So, against my conscious (I know invading privacy is not conducive to a good marriage), I checked her texts. Amazingly I found just what I was looking for but certainly did not want to see. There were 100's of texts going back and forth w/ that Ex. All of which were very inappropriate for a married woman to have. "I miss you's, good morning babe", etc. I was shaking and did not know what to do. This discovery was around 3 am, so I wasn’t sure if I should wake her or discuss in the morning. I could not sleep anyway so I decided to wake her. As you can imagine she was blindsided by this. Frantically apologized but didn’t really seem sorry. She said it was just fantasy. Blah Blah... I was really ready to call it quits now.
But again, my heart still yearned for her love. I still feel we have such a potential if she would just join my team.
What I have to express is that when my wife is happy she does seem like the perfect fit. She is beautiful, has a great career, comes from a great family and gets along great w/ mine. Why can’t we just be happy together? Why do I seem controlling bc I ask things of her that would make me happy? I would do just about anything she asks me if it made her happy. And I do!
Fast forward 9 months -
Things in our marriage have been up and down. Sometimes they are so great and I feel things are going to be ok, then a fight over something very minute occurs and I am left wondering if we will make it.
So lately I have been having that pain in my stomach again. Our bedroom activity has become very routine and sparse. Maybe once or twice a month and she just seems to be going through the motions.
We have been going out w/ my male friends a lot lately. A lot of drinking and fun ensues. This may seem like things are going great but one recently divorced friend of mine has my suspicions up again. He does not seem like my wife's type at 1st. Kind of chubby and out of shape. I usually would not be worried about this guy taking any girl away from me (we have been friends for 15 yrs. and has not happened). But he has an attitude that comes off as tough even though he couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag! (sorry, I'm upset) And I have recently started to think my wife is very attracted to that kind of attitude (I am more of a gentle giant).
I hadn’t really thought much of this until about 3 months ago.
We went out for a mutual friend's BDay (female) to a local bar. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary until I started to notice the extended period of time they kept leaving to go smoke cigarettes outside (no smoking inside the bar).
- Sidenote - My wife used to smoke in high school, quit in college but she will still have a cigarette or 2 when she has had some alcoholic drinks. She usually would never have more than 2 as she knows I hate cigarette smoke. But this is one of the other red flags regarding this friend's relationship w/ my wife. None of my other friends smoke so they have bonded w/ it. Every time he is over our house or out w/ us for dinner/drinks (which has been at least once a week for the last 4 months since he divorced) they share nearly a whole pack of cigarettes. More info to come on this scenario and how it’s raised my suspicions this time.
We were at the bar for about 3 hours and they were gone for 30 minutes at a time for at least 4-5 times to smoke. I was even approached by another group of females who were not deterred by my wedding ring during one of their smoke breaks. I was scared my wife was going to come back and catch me talking to them. She isn’t a crazy jealous type but can have some major issues w/ the scenario I was being put in. Luckily the group finally noticed I was married (bc I had to tell them) and left. My wife was gone this whole time so my worry was for not. I even told her I was just about to be picked up by these chicks and she didn’t really seem to care. Oh well, it was nice to know I am still desirable to other women even though I would never cheat! :)
The next red flag came when we had some of my buddies over for dinner and drinks. Another friend came over late and missed dinner so we ordered out to grab him something. The place was w/in walking distance so he and I went to get his food. I left my suspicious friend alone w/ my wife. Like I said, I would never think my wife would be attracted to this guy so I didn’t think much of it at the time, but while I was out getting the food, the weekend out where I noticed the long smoke breaks popped in my head. So I started wondering. Luckily the food was ready very quickly so we were only gone about 15 minutes. Came back home where both my wife and my suspicious friend had been smoking on the back porch, but neither one of them were there. My suspicion went through the roof! I started to go upstairs but came back down to check the bathroom in the hall. When I came back down the stairs the suspicious friend popped out of nowhere in the kitchen. I knocked on the bathroom door after waiting a little while (longer than it should have taken for my wife to do her biz) and asked what she was doing. She seemed guilty but that could have just been my adrenaline. I asked her straight up if she had been in there w/ my friend. She said I was crazy! What I am talking about? I am just drunk!
I let it go.
I did agree w/ her, though. It was crazy for me to think she would like him. Of all my friends, he would probably be my least worry.
But over the last couple of months have continued to notice their growing closer along w/ her increased smoking. She even has started smoking when he is not around. And not only when she is drinking. I confronted her about it and she got extremely defensive w/ me. I let that go as well. I really don’t want to seem controlling.
But their growing relationship got my suspicions up so high I got the idea that maybe I should check the phone bill like I had before w/ my wife's Ex BF. She has no reason to speak on the phone w/ this friend of mine. Outside of my friendship w/ him, he was not her friend. So upon my search I found a 50 minute conversation w/ him from the Monday after the night out for my friend's BDay where the excessive smoke breaks occurred.
I also found a couple other very late night conversations of 15-30 minutes. One 30 min call was on a Saturday night when the guys were over and I had passed out earlier than the rest of the group (had too many drinks, not enough sleep). Isn’t it strange for her to talk on the phone to him at 12:30 am for 30 minutes when I am asleep?
Now this has me feeling exactly the same way as when I caught her talking to her Ex BF in the early stages of our marriage. But even worse is that if my friend is guilty, he has betrayed me too! He is not the greatest friend but 15 years of friendship should count for something, right?
So over the last few days I have been watching her behavior. She is taking her cell everywhere she goes. Turning it off at night for bed. She even has a work cell phone that is always locked and I don’t have the code nor would I need to if she were honest. I think she is using the work phone mostly now bc there are not any records of phone calls to him or anyone suspicious. There is no way for me to monitor that phone, so what better way to keep secrets from me? Do I have the right to ask her to unlock it and let me see the texts and phone calls?
But what I was able to find is that she is texting someone and deleting those texts. My phone's online portal service has the amount of texts sent but does not give any details on to whom or the content of the messages. So I kept count for 1 day. When I looked at her phone, only half of the 48 texts from that day were there. The ones to a girlfriend of hers were there. The last ones of those came at 3:00 pm, but she got 28 or so more after that time in which there were no texts on her phone to account for those texts.
Also she is coming home more and more often smelling like cigarette smoke. I also know she is not buying them bc she does not own any packs. I know she is getting them from someone. But who? Is it really my friend? Is it someone I don’t know?

What do I do? I want to be married, but I also want to be happy!
 
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#109 ·
I had my ex's mother living with us. I had moved her into our house in her time of need more than once in our marriage. Despite "loving me" and actually we still get along, I hugged her last week, when picking up my daughter, the woman was bound by blood. Its real easy to think they love you, and they may always, but their daughter is their primary concern, whether in the right or the wrong. Youre setting yourself up for some major disappointment if you expect much from them.
 
#114 ·
Wow, people still barter chores with sex? Or, have they ever?
I did chores, becuase my wife worked too, and brought in an income as well as I did. I didnt expect her to come home and cover those bases all by herself too. To do so, would have been unfair.
It never affected any amount of sex, either way.
 
#126 ·
So, would you guys say that more often than not, the family of a cheater will disown them?
This has not been my experience at all, in any of the divorces Ive been witness to. The family of the cheater has always taken on this "wellllll, he/she did wrong, but we still love them, and blood is thicker than water"..
Even my own MIL had absolutely nothing to say to my wife about discernment or the possibility of tearing her family apart.
I think there is a big percentage difference between families of cheaters that welcome them back despite their mistakes, versus those that side with the person being cheated on.
Even friends would make excuses for her, never heard much from their family other than her mother who lived with us.
 
#127 ·
I think most families would feel betrayed in some way or another, or just disappointed. I don't know if a lot of families would disown their cheater son or daughter. Maybe some would? I wouldn't say more often, but less often. Blood is definitely thicker than water most times.
 
#128 ·
I am not saying that her family would disown her, just be very dissappointed. They are a very tight knit family. But my wife has always dated the bad boy/loser types and I think her parents always hoped she would settle down w/ someone more like...me. :) So I think when I came into the picture they were super relieved and excited. Also keep in mind that my wife viewed me as a bad boy at one point in our youth bc of the guys I grew up w/. Although that was true 10 years ago, they have all matured and are married w/ children, so not so tough any more.
Also, I mentioned my best friend is related to her. This aspect will make it very awkward at future family events. Blood may be thicker than water, but our friendship is as close to blood as it can get and he will feel very betrayed for me.
 
#137 ·
Be prepared for the blameshifting, when you do have to confront her. keep your emotions in check and come up with a plan.


You can confronter her indirectly by finding out who the OM is and confront him or his wife/girl friend before confronting WW.

There is alot to having an effective confrontation so take the time to make a plan and work the plan.
 
#140 ·
Ok, so here is my 1st days update w/ the VAR. Unfortunately I was not able to find anything w/ what I heard. Everything was as aspected. It took her 20 minutes to get to work and to get home (normal) and all I heard was music and her singing along w/ music and a phone call w/ her mom. :-(

I have planted it again today so we will see what we find.

I do have one question for those who have used the VARs. Is there a good brand that isnt that expensive? I need to buy a couple more but the current one I have is an RCA w/ terrible battery life. I need something that could last a week on VAR mode as I am about to leave out of town for biz. This seems to be a perfect time for her to let her guard down and make a mistake.
 
#144 ·
I had googled. Read some reviews. Still unlcear.
 
#145 ·
If you are going to be out of town for a while, another option is a nanny cam/webcam that you can log into remotely or which automatically uploads pics when it detects movement.

I haven't looked at these things in years but even a few years ago they were small and took good images.
 
#150 ·
I do have a digital VAR. I actually bought another one yesterday that said it has a 77 hour battery life. I am ok on a daily basis but I wanted to have something that could record most of the week I will be gone. But that may not matter any way now. I think on my 2nd day I have found something...
 
#152 ·
Ok, so on my 2nd day of VARing, I think I found what I have been afraid of. I set the VAR up in her car for her rides to and from work bc that is the only times we are not together. The 1st day was nothing, but the 2nd day I heard an 18 minute ph conversation on her way home from work w/ someone she was very open w/. She showed she cared by actually fighting and cussing at the other person for some reason. I could not hear the other side of the convo, but the words and tone proved it was more than just a friend. Nothing incrimminating was said but it was another secret conversation. She had no phone calls on her personal cell. I have access to the records and checked. So, as I suspected, she is using her work cell that is locked.

One thing this discovery may have done is ruled out my suspicious friend, though. The things she talked about to the other person were not things that fit for my suspicious friend. It could still be there is something there but I am persuing my other hunch 1st.

I think this convo was w/ the same Ex-BF as before w/ all the calls and texts. I should have came to this site when those things happened bc I prob would already be divorced and not dealing w/ this now. But 3 strikes and she is definitely out this time.
But what to do now???
 
#153 ·
Depends on what you want to do. If it's strike three, you don't really need to keep monitoring. Just print out the forms and have her sign them. If you want to find out the who, what, where, why, and how, in the case that you are susceptible to gaslighting, you should keep monitoring. Same thing if you feel the need to prevent her from spinning the story to friends or family. If you want to give her one last chance (I don't know why you would), ask her to unlock her work phone and hand it to you.
 
#157 ·
It is definitley strike 3 but I dont think I have a enough to pull the trigger just yet. She is obliviouis that I could ever find out and is probably so happy she now has a work phone to use.
I think after I get the text message report from Sprint, I will have more than enough info w/ or w/out further VARing. To be honest, the VARing is quite tiring and could get me caught. I will continue my recording this week, but may not VAR her car while I am gone, only the house (less likely to be discovered).

Can you explain "gaslighting"?

I do not want to R, I just want out.
I think I may also want to see her phone any way. Bad idea?
 
#155 ·
Since this could quite possibly be my D-Day, I need some advice on how to handle this. I am pretty sure I am ready for a divorce and I do not want to continue my life w/ this woman at all. The last 2 times, I let it go w/ her manipulating me that it was nothing and she would stop contacting the Ex. Foolishly I believed her. So I dont want to mess this D-Day up. I am shaking w/ anger at the moment and I am likely to make a bad decision...

But as I have mentioned, I will be going out of town soon and wanted to see what my VAR found while I am completely out of the picture. I know I will probably hear something I really do not want to, but I really want to have as much proof as possible so she can not talk her way out of it.

I also requested the text records from Sprint. Online you can only see the amount of texts, but no dates, ph #'s, or content. I think I can use this to cross reference all the deleted texts I have been keeping track of. At the very least I can see who she is texting and when.

Finally, I have recently found out I have a mutual friend of the Ex. He has agreed to meet w/ me and tell me some info that would help my case further. He mentioned he is tired of this woman taking advantage of 2 of his friends.

Due to the logistics of my marriage, I will probably have to move in w/ my parents for a little while (ugh, that sucks! I never thought that woudl happen at 35 yrs old!). Any sugggestions on my exit are also appreciated.
 
#156 ·
TexasCat10, Im sorry man, I know that isnt what you hoped to find.

In case you are starting to plan for divorce, it would help to know what your rights, and obligations are, such that at least you might be able to draft up some kind of divorce agreement rather than fight it all out in court. Since the judges here in TX go strictly by the standard order, here is the link to the family code here in TX, for you to take a look at and know what will be expected of you, and what your rights are.
TCAS - Home
 
#163 ·
They make a VAR that plugs in to the wall? I did not see that any where I looked. Do you know where I can find that and a good brand?

We do not have kids. (thank my lucky stars!)
But where should I start? Should I confide in my parents 1st and let them know I will need a place to stay, then confront her? Or confront her 1st above all else?
 
#166 ·
Arrrgh! What's up with these waywards? It seems like they're everywhere. An attractive 30-something woman steps out of a brand new Cadillac Escalade and comes into my establishment with four kids in tow (ranging from 18 months to 7 years old.) I help her and somehow she mentions her boyfriend and ex husband during our conversation. Before getting cheated on I would never have paid much attention to her situation, but now my 'cake-eating-cheater' senses start to tingle like crazy.

After she exited with her brood, I go online and check the family courts record. Sure enough, she filed for divorce from her first husband in 2005 and her second one was final in January of this year (with no mention of the 18 month old in the petition.)

I know -- sometimes I just have too much time on my hand, but I'm just becoming sensitive to cheaters. :mad:

(Of course, I could be wrong and she's not a cheater. She probably was just fortunate to be able to find a man to take care of her and the four kids.)
 
#167 ·
Look, just because she's talking to #1, doesn't mean she isn't flirting/fooling around with #2.

You said the one guy come over a lot, why haven't you done my setup like I suggested when he comes over - find a way to leave the house for an hour for sure and give them time to feel safe and to talk/hookup, then make sure you come home 25 early and be noisy when you come in. Make sure you have the second var outside where they'll go to smoke, because they will talk about almost getting caught!
 
#172 ·
I agree w/ you that the possibility could be she is cheating on me w/ the Ex and w/ my friend. But as I mentioned, leaving them alone for that long would be difficult. He rarely comes over in the daytime. Its always after we have all been out on the town (dinner/drinks). And we are usually not alone w/ the 3 of us. We are usually in a group or 5-7. The one time I left her alone, I was actually w/ a group of 4. Myself and my other buddy went to get him something to eat and it was around 10 pm.
No disrespect, I really appreciate your advice, but I dont think I need to attempt to create this scenario w/ my wife and suspicious friend. It doesnt really matter at this point. I have 2 more very good pieces of evidence that are about to be uncovered; Text report from Sprint, and meeting w/ mutual friend to find out more info. Besides if my suspicious friend still wants her after me, thats fine. He can deal w/ the Ex-BF, that I dont think my STBExW will ever let go.
 
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