hurtindad

Hello looking for others advice and input for those that are dealing with relationship problems. I've received advice from my inner circle, but I'm not sure anyone can really relate. I am distraught and really beginning to feel very low about myself. Please let me know what you think.

Been married 12 years with 3 kids. Wife and I don't have a great relationship and frankly never had, emotionally, physically or otherwise, but we've been together forever so we've made it work.

Before we were married my wife (then girlfriend) cheated on me and I did not know. Likewise before we were married I asked her specifically what happened and she denied anything. Fast forward 12 years and I have found out and found out many details. So that's not the only thing, it has become aparent that she has a history of lying about everything to avoid conflict (i.e. how many cavities kids have etc). I feel betrayed, confused and sad and having a REALLY tough time letting all this go.

Interested in your opinions and advice on how to deal and if I should even be upset. Part of my says this is all in the past, but due to her dishonesty in other areas and her ability to hid this for so many, I can't help but wonder what else is there. She denies of course anything else. The other thing that haunts me is why is she even still with me? Is it comfort and a good life I provide? Not sure.

Thanks again and sorry if I rambled a bit.

lovingsummer

I can really relate to this! My husband (been together for 20 years.. married for 16... have 3 kids as well) also had an affair when we were together for a year and 1/2 after our 1st child was born. He denied, denied, denied. I pushed him for many years to tell me what happened because I just knew something did. He finally told "a few" things about it 16 years after the fact. We had some problems after that (he had also lied about many other things) but continue to work through them... As far as the affair, while it bothers me from time to time... I just keep telling myself "this is not helpful, this isn't worth worrying about, you're married now" every time I start to think about it. The lies are what I have the biggest problem with because it's my trust in him. He knows that I don't trust him and he's worked hard to tell the truth even if it's over the dumbest things. Of course you feel betrayed, confused and sad. You just learned the person you were suppose to trust, love and depend on doesn't think you're worth the truth. Have you asked her why she is still with you?

AngryandUsed

Your problem is lack of trust.

Have you talked to her about the way you feel about her affair and lies?

Paladin

Lying to avoid conflict is a major red flag, and could be a sign of serious mental health issues. This needs to be addressed with a counselor ASAP. Once you've ensured that she is making an effort in her own individual counseling, and perhaps seeing a psychiatrist to see if meds may be an option (abilify, seroqel, or various other types of ant-psychotics can sometimes help a person become more grounded in reality), you can begin attending couples counseling together to address issues of boundaries and trust. The comment that sticks out the most is lying about the number of cavities your child had/has. That is obviously a big violation of boundaries as the health of your children is a joint responsibility, and the sharing of medical information, regardless of how tough it may be, is an absolute must. What if it was something serious, and she didnt want to tell you, and you ran out of time and options in seeking alternative diagnosis or treatment? Best of luck to you. Keep us posted.

Count of Monte Cristo

If she lies about something as simple as the kids' cavities don't expect her to fess up about something as major as infidelity.

BTW, have YOU created an environment where she feels that she has to lie to you. I'm not talking about the affair but lying about minor things could mean that she's afraid of your reaction to the truth.