I know before I start this, the response is going to be brutal, but I feel if I come clean here and lay all things bare, that I will get the answer I need or help despite the harsh comments that are more than likely coming! *Don't hold back, I can take it! be as harsh/rude as you wish, as long as you can provide some in depth answers to my nightmare.
Background: I've been married for over 10 years now, we have some kids but not together, they are from her former marriage but I treat them like my own/and they are. She is my best friend! but she was never really my sexual equal. Meaning, she held the potential of fore filling my sexual desires but was always a work in progress. I married her because I thought my sexual needs were some sort of immature fantasy, and that I needed to grow up and see that there are more important things than just sexual extreme! chemistry between two people.
We have managed thru some awful times and good ones to make a decent foundation in living for ourselves. Meaning, we are pretty well off compared to the nations average.
Last year around August, I started to sexually peak! around 42, my hormones started to go wild! My imaginations ran deep into the extreme where I wanted to experience every sexual act known to mankind, minus the hurtful stuff you read in 50 shades of Grey! Yet, my wife of 10 years is not wired that way. HELL, she won't even give me a Blowjob?, Hand Job, or any Job for that matter but the usual Mesh/doggy style treatment. Which was ok for a while. Yes, she is still semi-attractive to me but not in the way of how I would view other women. She has a wholesome glow about her but I prefer a more lustful version.
Anyway, Our sex life has run hot and cold, but more cold lately and the one thing I hate! is having to explain to a women what turns me the F! On.
Like really??? I have to explain after all this time?
I got to go on a trip to lets say California, spent sometime with a few family members during an event. Got invited to a bachelor party that went wildly out of control and lead to some exotic extreme porn star strip club. I will not mention its name here.
I don't drank heavily, only socially, because I am a light weight, 2 drinks and I'm done for. I had one beer, 1 patron Margarita served to me by this Stripper named Samone. 5'9 32,24,36, Blond exotic creature! She asked me if I wanted a private dance? which is normal in a place like this. At first I said No, then she came back and said, I will give you one Free! I thought nothing is free! But I agreed after her much persuasive efforts.
Without noticed she DFK, with tongue mind you which threw me off, began to unbuckle my paints and before I knew it, she began some Cbj on me in a very dark corner of the club via the VIP area. She must have been 30ish but looked like a 27 year old porn star!
She didn't stop until I got off, needless to say, this women did everything in a private room she got for us that my wife Never would do! To make things worst! I had a chemistry with her that I had not had with any women in my life! It seemed like she was my soul mate or something?? She is a college graduate, has a BS in Business, owns her own Condo on the beach, works a normal job at a fortune 500 company! and does this on the side because of her "As she explains it, dirty 30's syndrome!! Bi-sexual or Bi-curios! Absolutely one of the most intoxicating women I've seen in my life! She is worst than cocaine!
She would fly out to where I normally live, rent a four star hotel, invite me over and bang my brains out in every fantasy position imaginable. Despite the emotional guilt, cheating complex I've been going thru, I can't seem stop nor did I want to.
I asked her, of all the men, why did she choose me? Certainly she can have her pick of the litter! "She said, because I was genuine, religious and none judgmental of her, I told her that if anything I am a confused child of God! right now, who has seriously lost their dame way! She said, nothing happens by coincidence! I must have wanted this deep down or it never would have happened! She is right to a degree. Since December till now, she has spent around $25k on the both us having this extreme sexual affair! I have spent around maybe $1500 here and there but nothing too extreme.
**Yes, we stay in touch via emails and sms, but lately, she is beginning to change! She is feeling lonely which hurts me in away, she wants nothing more than for us to be together! Permanently. *
She has not once said anything negative about my wife, nor has she really pressured me into dissolving my marriage, but she does so in a subtle manner by her moods. I broke off! contact with her for about 2 weeks, to some how get her out of my system, pay more attention to my wife and try to fix some issues there. It has not been easy, My wife unknowingly, does things in our relationship that signals she rather not be with me? Which is not the case, she is just a very backbiting, moody 51 year old that see's me still as a child! Which she might be right about more times than I like to admit, but pushing me away when I am trying to be romantic with her is a BAD ****ING IDEA! It targets my self esteem, I start thinking am I really that unattractive???
So, I put it to a test! went into a local bar, flirted with a complete stranger around 33 years of age and before I knew it, she gave me her number and said " Sexy, I will follow you anywhere"! Yeah it was a great boost to my battered ego, but I would have felt better if that came from my Wife!! What makes it harder is that both women look in the physical hotter than my wife. On a scale of 1-10, my wife is like a 6 1/2 without trying, she could be more if she exercised but thats just reality, as for these other two women, they are both 9 1/2 to 10.5! They would turn the head of the strongest loyal male and that's not just my opinion. When that OW walked out of the bar, the bar tender told me, " You are one lucky bastard! she has shot down every guy that has approached her today!" What did you say to her??? I simply told her the truth! "I'm married, horny, and want to forget all my troubles with someone who can help me forget, you look like a good choice!" I had no idea that honesty would work on a women like that. To my shock, she told me to buy her another drink and tell her about my marriage??
**NO! I did not call her, nor do I plan on it, I have bigger problems!
Sorry for the long winded explanation, but I felt it was necessary to give enough background so I didn't have to repeat it. My primary problem as of late is this, I can't stop thinking about this OW, Stripper,porn star, business executive! She has taken my sexual hidden perversions to a new level. She asked me if I ever did it with two women before? I said hell no! she said she could arrange it! But, if we get serious, I could never do the OW behind her back. I told her I would think about it (Error) but I have not committed to it in any fashion.
I tried to think soberly about the whole thing, and I concluded, that my LUST would be contained if My WIFE! did all the things this extremely HOT OW does! Yet, to my wife those things are disgusting!?
I could have swore that when I met her, she was into those things when we met, but now is more reserved.
I so want my Wife, my best friend to be the dirty little women of my sexual peak I need right now, and I know deep down she will not be. At the same time I find it hard not to forefill my desires with a women that I know this sort of thing can't last or survive unless I make a decision this year about it soon. And what if I did choose this OW??? Is that really want I want??? or am I just going thru a MID LIFE Crisis that I've only heard stories about!!
My wife today wants me to go out with some friends and all I want to do is call the OW , have her fly here which would take less than 2 hrs, and have some PSE with her and then go home. And, yes If I asked her, she would be on the plan today! That with in itself is some sort of turn on for me. Its hard not doing the things that feel so wrong! Is there really away I can save my marriage, rekindle somehow any sexual thing with my wife or just give her a divorce and try to remain friends? So far it pains me to think, I am just be played by some deeper devious plan of the adversary, (Satan) but right now I don't seem to care, because my Other head is in constant conflict with my ID. HELP!