not exactly an infidelity issue this but connections are there as it applies to OM and ex families.
Had about 3 months since D day and have had time to reflect upon some things in my stbxm. I have taken some time and thought over different aspects of our marriage and her 'past' connections was one of them and I realized it was a not small factor in destabilizing us
One aspect I have dwelt upon in recent days has been my W connections with the past and her resolve to never let them go
In my old initial thread one of the main features was that stbxw has a mix of mental issues / disorders.
Just briefly she was with someone before me for a few years, finished with him but got on fantastically with his parents. At various points she would meet with the ex under conditions I was in control of and still correspond and meet with his parents saying "they were the parents I should have had" My own family have been a proper family to her but her own have been dire. She's always clung on to this third 'family'. She never had kids with this guy and so there are no grandkids for them to see or enjoy.
With first infidelity 6 years ago, which was brief, she, for work reasons, needed to be in contact with him until the present day! I was always unhappy with this and it undermined us but she was insistent. He then became a very close friend.
This was my first mistake and should have simply brought the axe down there and then ( I know I know) although the work situation did in fact need her to deal with him she should of course have simply binned it
The next one 5 years ago was a friend of mine and so her contact with him was beyond her control and so there was none
The next one Dec 2011 finished and although we got R again against my wishes she kept in basic contact birthdays etc
Again we R until the latest OM in March again a work related thing which has finished us.
Now through all this she has got stronger and stronger ties with the first ex's parents and at times has suggested they to be grand parent figures for our two children.
This has always angered me and I always opposed it saying our kids had my family who were ever present and great grand parents and although her own were just horrible people to her her father loves our kids. So our kids have in my opinion enough two natural grand parents
My stbxw is now seeing them more because she can, starting even more stronger ties with these extra grandparents
Personally this has struck me as being complete bollocks and indicative of her many disorder esteem abandonment issues
Anyone have any experience of this and maybe any thoughts on this ?
I think it's weird behavior (typical of mw) but maybe I'm wrong.
Meeting great people through in laws is common and breaking the ties is never easy but breaking the ties is surely the right thing to do yes? and obviously the ties with all the OM should have finished instantly but she seems incapable of letting past connections go. In respect of the first ex's parents seeing as there are no kids involved is this not wrong? Seems mad to me
I've realized this is at the root of her pissy disappointment about my now ever present anger. I don't talk to her at all unless its kids only. My family have kicked her completely into touch and although she has tried to keep communication with a very close relative even now that has been ended. She is clearly angry because for the first time she realizes this is one whole set of communications that will never be like all the others ie a complete break anything connected with me will be non linked
Why is this keeping connections with past peripheral ex's family members and OM so important to her?
She's your ex, shouldn't matter what she does anymore unless it affects your kids. If your kids are doing fine and have no issues with her ex-bf's parents around then what she does is her business now.
I'm going to wonder out loud here - is there a possibility that these extended grandparents are the real grand parents?
No cant be, my kids are 8 and 9 she finished with him a year before we met ( 5 years before my children were born) and because of his religious beliefs about no sex until married. (Which he still practices)
No in his case he was an ex proper not 'OM' but of course her 'ongoing' relationship was with his parents.
She's your ex, shouldn't matter what she does anymore unless it affects your kids. If your kids are doing fine and have no issues with her ex-bf's parents around then what she does is her business now.
Move on with your life and put her in your past.
But these people are not my kids grandparents they are parents of an ex from nearly twenty years ago and becasue of her feeelings about them being great 'in law parents' she wants to make them grand parent figures in my kids lives . They already have two sets of Grandparents which I feel is enough
So it does affect my kids. I feel its confusing for them and something has always told me its not right and healthy
I guess you are trying to get some closure. Understood. She was a serial cheater with no boundaries as it pertained to the opposite sex.
Her affairs are totally on her. That said, you allowed / enabled her behavior. You were ok with things you should not have been ok with. Again not blaming you but you did not do enough with this woman to protect yourself and your marriage. She may very well have just been a person who was going to cheat.
However, after getting yourself back on track, I suggest before you get into another relationship you find where your boundaries are. No your next partner should not suffer for the sins of the last one, but learn from this anyway.
First way to do this is be more selective about the person you commit to. Make sure your ideas of fidelity are compatible. I suggest you avoid women who tend to hang on to long time EXs and male friends in general when they are in a commited relationship. Before getting serious with anyone establish the boundaries that will nurture the relationship. Don't be ok with imporper bopundaries. There is a world full of women out there. You do not have to settle.
So yeah I think you are ok to do a little analyzing of what were the root causes of your last relationships issues. But once you have figured them all out. move ahead and be determined that your next relationship is not going to suffer from this same stuff.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
I guess you are trying to get some closure. Understood. She was a serial cheater with no boundaries as it pertained to the opposite sex.
Her affairs are totally on her. That said, you allowed / enabled her behavior. You were ok with things you should not have been ok with. Again not blaming you but you did not do enough with this woman to protect yourself and your marriage. She may very well have just been a person who was going to cheat.
However, after getting yourself back on track, I suggest before you get into another relationship you find where your boundaries are. No your next partner should not suffer for the sins of the last one, but learn from this anyway.
First way to do this is be more selective about the person you commit to. Make sure your ideas of fidelity are compatible. I suggest you avoid women who tend to hang on to long time EXs and male friends in general when they are in a commited relationship. Before getting serious with anyone establish the boundaries that will nurture the relationship. Don't be ok with imporper bopundaries. There is a world full of women out there. You do not have to settle.
So yeah I think you are ok to do a little analyzing of what were the root causes of your last relationships issues. But once you have figured them all out. move ahead and be determined that your next relationship is not going to suffer from this same stuff.
I do think it odd that includes the EXs parents.
There's some good advice there E3
Well counseling I have undertaken is kinda dealing with these issues - the why do I choose a particular type of woman? (victims) why did I not have more stringent boundaries about what I would accept. All good questions.
Just with this specific thing it only recently hit me just how kind of all encompassing it was and how it was a major part of her personality - the need to hang on to them all and then I started to think this parent / grandparent thing was very weird indeed. Wanted to know if I was alone in this.
I do accept my naivity though now, even at my age, 57, has got me into trouble.
I have always trusted from the outset and felt that some things simply never have to be said or put down in stone, that love was enough to transmit things like 'do not commit adultery on me' etc etc. I now realize I will have to sit down with a woman and say right from the off 'if for one moment I even sniff any of this we're done'
Its quite scary for me to feel I actually will have to say that to a woman I want to be committed to in the future
In your past relationships have any of you kept in contact with the ex's parents sisters brothers? etc even if your current spouse was 'uncomfortable with this even thought the relationship may be with honest good people?
Does your wife / hus keep contact with the parents of his her exe / exes? and are you comfortable with this because even though it may be a decent good relationship it still keeps that contact going with the main focus of one's inner objection - an ex who may threaten this current relationship
I know if there are kids from the original relationship that's more an understandable 'keep in contact' scenario
Alright, up to me to play the prick part... From your text i lost count on how many times she cheated on you that you're aware off. Now, with this behavior ongoing for years how can you be so sure about the paternity of the kids you're raising as your own? Did you have them tested?
Shaggy was too candid in his jab, so i brought a hammer to it... Sorry if it hurts you, but it would explain A LOT...
I wouldn't agree with my partner staying n contact with any family member of his ex along with his ex, unless there were children involved. and even then, I would evaluate the necessity of this connection.
It sounds to me like your stbx simply wants to avoid the consequences of her actions. Normal people understand that ending a relationship means cutting the ties to that relationship. Some of those ties may be unpleasant to cut.
A person who refuses to accept the consequences of her actions will simply refuse to cut those ties. Problem solved. That's the same reason she wants to be friendly with your family. Just because she cheated on you many times doesn't mean she's a bad wife or a bad person. She's just someone who should never deny herself anything that she wants. And everyone should acknowledge that and make peace with it.
No cant be, my kids are 8 and 9 she finished with him a year before we met ( 5 years before my children were born) and because of his religious beliefs about no sex until married. (Which he still practices)
No in his case he was an ex proper not 'OM' but of course her 'ongoing' relationship was with his parents.
You seem absolutely sure that she was done with him years ago. Exactly how do you know this? Have you verified this?
You need to understand that we've read about this type of situation in this forum before. The WW feels that the ex bf is the one that got away, that she really loves him, but married the BH (you) for other reasons, mainly you were more stable financially. That the EXBF has always been there in her heart emotionally.
In addition, she has cheated on you multiple times during the years, like Costa said...that you know of. How many other possible affairs have you not discovered yet? You never described how you discovered here cheating.
If I were to guess, your whole marriage has been a lie, she was never faithful to you emotionally and has cheated on you repeatedly, because each time you took her back. She never learned any consequences from you. Because she never learned any consequences from you, she never had to change.
With all that in mind, how do you know she hasn't been with this EX BF (OM) recently? Have you ever verified or investigated anything? Or have you simply taken her word for it. If you've simply taken her word for it, then you really need to re-examine the history of your marriage. Cheaters lie. There is absolutely no doubt about that. And your WW is a serial cheater, so logically, you know what that means.
13Likes
wife's 'past' connections 
