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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 08-06-2012, 02:06 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife admitted to me that she cheated

By the way the emotional detachment she has with you is because she has it with someone else and it is still going on. The VAR in the car and the keylogger in a few days you will no more then you want to.

By the way her Iphone I bet it is locked and is never out of her hand.
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Old 08-06-2012, 02:23 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife admitted to me that she cheated

Sorry your wife handled this unhealthy marriage in such a terrible way. She made a choice and it was the wrong one. Also sorry you have such a terrible counselor.

Sorry your not willing to let her go, she sees this and has your number. Irt appreas she is doing just enough to keep her guilt an arms length away will she continues to distance her self from the marriage.

You aren't going any were, I know it, your wife knows it and you know it. So why should she change?

She knows exactly what will keep you passified and does just enough to get by. Until you show her that even though she may not be currently sleeping around her behavior inticates its just a matter of time before she starts up again....I say this b/c you have no new proof ...so your only arguement that has merit is the fact that she is acting like she is not marriaed and that should be unexceptable to you and it should make you willing to let her go...no matter how painful.

I guess what I'm say is the nice guy crap don't work, its the tough love approach that will get her to think twice about what she is about to lose.

Until she start to second guess her dicisions she won't think twice in behaving the way she is currently behaving...know you have no real consequences for her action, cuz you ain't going anywere.

Just let her go...you will see a change in her toon when she sees a change in yours.

You can control her so don't try, but you can stop tolorating her crap by asking her to leave, a statement that will show her how confident you are and no longer willing to share your wife. See will leave so be prepared and stop begging for her return!

I think you have some time before you get to that point, but when you do we will be here to support you .
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Old 08-06-2012, 02:25 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife admitted to me that she cheated

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Originally Posted by confusedd View Post
At this point, what I feel I need is:
1. Her Facebook password
2. I need her to put the Married to: status on her Facebook page and make sure it stays there... she's had it "disappear" before and I got her to put it back, but it's gone again.
3. Access to her phone so I can read through the messages... and access any time I ask
4. Signs from her that she really wants to be here and involved in the marriage
5. The rest of the story... the full truth

6. A real apology... meaning it

Ugh
You wont get 4 and 5 from her.

She has years of practice of deceiving you and is comfortable about the deceit. You'll only get partial, tiny amount of "truth".

You'll need to be able to program yourself to be able to move on. Protect your finances and assets. Learn to detach and be logical in your dealings.

Read up on "Let her go". Read up on the 180. These are to shore you up emotionally and not to win her back; though, the result may be that.

Read up on the stages of grief. Know for yourself what you will be going through as the marriage you once had is finished.

I am trying here to give you practical advice. Whether or not you can carry them out is up to you.
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Old 08-06-2012, 02:29 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife admitted to me that she cheated

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Originally Posted by confusedd View Post
Finally, a couple of weeks ago, I gave her an ultimatum. Either you be part of this marriage again, or get out. She responded back that we should just be roommates. No longer married in any real sense, just roommates, for the kid's sake. I could not handle that. I can't spend my days with someone I love, and every day have them not return that love. When I gave the ultimatum, I wanted her to see how desperate I was. I never expected her to choose that she wanted out of our relationship. I really don't want to lose her.
This right here is the key passage that should have given you the hint it is OVER. It really does not make any difference whether she is currently having an affair or not, it would appear she has checked out of the marriage.

Saving a marriage would require two people... it may very well be that she only went to counseling to appease you so that you would not physically split up the family for the kids sake.

I know you are hurt, however you probably would be best served by seeking legal counsel at this point. Take a deep breath, try to remain civil throughout this struggle and no matter what, keep the kids in the fore front of every step you take from here on out. As much as you are hurting, the kids are as well and they have little control over what is happening. Pocket your own personal feelings and do what is best for the children.

I wish you the best.
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Old 08-06-2012, 02:30 PM   #35 (permalink)
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BTW, once you do find the strength to ask her to leave and she will call your bluff and leave, it will take days for her to see what she is about to lose and then the shift in power will change from you chacing her to stay in the marriage ...to her chasing you to stay in the marriage.

This is a risky tactic, and she may even be in a exit affair already and her fog may be so think that it could take months for her to come out of...if she ever does.

At the end of the day if and when you want to stop sharing your wife you will have to let her go. Then it will be up to her to come back or not.
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Old 08-06-2012, 02:35 PM   #36 (permalink)
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drerio makes a good point about it being over, until your WW see you are over her and has the perception that you are letting her go, then its up to your WW to do what you require to take her back.

A perseption of you no longer chasing.
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Old 08-06-2012, 02:40 PM   #37 (permalink)
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You'd be surprised how getting served divorce paper can turn a cake eat spouse around.

Filing for divorce is not as final as it seems, There is always a waiting period and if your WW changes her tune then you can always withdraw it.

I know you do not want her to leave, but can you continue to share your wife?
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Old 08-06-2012, 02:49 PM   #38 (permalink)
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If my wife had acted any of the ways you described when you found out about her cheating, I'd have walked. This woman doesn't sound like she's "in the fog", she sounds like she knows full well what she did, feels justified in doing it, and flat out doesn't care how it makes you feel.

I rarely ever give this advice on TAM, but I would seriously consider divorce. From the way you describe it, this woman doesn't respect you, doesn't love you, doesn't even like you. She sounds like whatever love and respect she had for you has been replaced with deep-seated anger and bitterness. She may be hoping you file just so she can get out of the marriage without the guilt of killing it.
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Old 08-06-2012, 02:51 PM   #39 (permalink)
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To be honest here I very seriously doubt the affair is over. I think you need to do the 180 and commit to it. Your wife is still in the fog or just doesn't respect you. Yes you over committed to video games, but you didn't cause her to cheat. In her eyes she is justified by the abandonment.
It is time for you to wake up now. It is time to get angry. This woman screwed you over. Your wife screwed another man. I am sorry but now is the time to get outraged. Your wife in controlling you and maipulating you. You are the one who decides whether or not this woman should be in your life. You need to kick her out. Separate your money because right now I have a 95% feeling that there is going to be another DDay. I stop sniveling you are in a war now. It is time to buck up, man up, and set your boundaries.
If you continue to play nice you will only push her farther away.
you need to demand any an all passwords to all email accounts, instant message accounts, phone bills, and facebook.
You also need to demand complete No Contact. (i am willing to bet you they are still talking now.)
You also need to expose her to her friends, family, and anyone else that is close or important to her.
You have to act now or lose her forever. the ball is in your court now.
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Old 08-06-2012, 02:55 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife admitted to me that she cheated

I am sorry you are here. You have received some good advice above and unfortunately you have done all the wrong things so far.

1. Man up! Read the man up threads and the 180 and begin NOW

2. File for divorce!. She currently has no respect for you. I believe she is in an ongoing affair given your description, and nothing short of the "atomic solution" will wake her up. File and mean it. If through some miracle there is remorse and honest desire to work on things, you can always withdraw from the proceedings. Without the divorce papers, she will continue to see you as a weak and undesirable man who will put up with her atrocities. And realize that right now you are weak and undesirable.

3. Expose her affair to her family, your family and your friends. You need the negative consequences of her actions raining down on her.

Understand this. I can not tell you this will work to get you wife back in the marriage. Actually, it probably won't. She is already WAY checked out. But, I can tell you that playing the wimpy beta male will definitely not lead to a return to a health marriage.

Please benefit from all the experience here on the forum and stop making the same mistakes so many others make. Recognize that the woman you married is gone. No one can tell you who, if anyone, will return to the marriage. I know that I wold just be moving on.

Good luck
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Old 08-06-2012, 02:59 PM   #41 (permalink)
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iPhone backs up via iTunes.

You can possibly get the back up from the texts there.
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Old 08-06-2012, 03:03 PM   #42 (permalink)
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confused, a cheater will ALWAYS find a way to make their indiscretion their spouse's fault. Although each of us here can find fault in some facets of their married life where we could have done things differently, it will NEVER be the betrayed spouses fault for the other person cheating. If my ex had told me what the problem she had with our marriage before she ended up carrying her first child, we would have split immediately and she might have found that which she wanted without spreading her legs for so many guys she didn't even know what some of their names were.
Nothing wrong with being in a failed marriage. There is something wrong with staying in one, however.
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Old 08-06-2012, 03:16 PM   #43 (permalink)
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It sounds like your WW’s OM was caught and she was afraid she was about to be exposed so she told you just enough to cover herself. What you have is likely only the tip of the iceberg. Here is the likely truth:
1. Those EA’s years ago were likely physical. She is a serial cheater.
2. This last affair was not a one time thing. It is long term and is still ongoing.
3. There was never any protection used. There almost never is in affairs.
4. There’s a good chance those trips out of town included the OM.

There is one truth that you can be sure of. She is LYING. The way you know a WW is lying is when she moves her mouth. At best you have only gotten partial truths.

My advice would be to see a lawyer and have him begin the process of filing. You can always reconcile and drop the proceedings. Demand a polygraph from your WW wife as a condition for recovery. Don’t make it optional. If she refuses, tell her to pack her crap and get out. Your only hope is to knock the affair fog out of her. It may even take her leaving for a while for reality to set in. The only thing that will result from you being understanding and considerate of her feelings is that you will be strung along while she continues her affair right under your nose.
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Old 08-06-2012, 03:20 PM   #44 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife admitted to me that she cheated

Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedd View Post
At this point, what I feel I need is:
1. Her Facebook password
2. I need her to put the Married to: status on her Facebook page and make sure it stays there... she's had it "disappear" before and I got her to put it back, but it's gone again.
3. Access to her phone so I can read through the messages... and access any time I ask
4. Signs from her that she really wants to be here and involved in the marriage
5. The rest of the story... the full truth
6. A real apology... meaning it

Ugh
And when you ask and she says "no", then what? I feel bad that you feel bad but if you are as desperate around her as you seem in your post, then there is no chance you'll get her respect and the marriage back on track.

You have to stop analyzing every little gesture of affection or lack there of. You are constantly testing the temperature of things and she percieves that as insecure and weak.

I know what that is like. My wife didn't cheat but some things happened which made me insecure and I started over analyzing things and driving her nuts. Eventually I said "fvck this, I'm a good guy and she's lucky to have me". She has to know that you'll be fine without her. Right now she knows that she can disrespect you and emasculate you and your reaction is to want sex and chase her.

I'm not being critical of you because I have been there (previous marriage) and I know about insecurity in my current marriage and that all goes away with some self respect.
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Old 08-06-2012, 03:22 PM   #45 (permalink)
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OK. Right now I know it looks really bad. I agree that there is a good chance there is more going on than she has told me. I am terrified that something may still be going on right now.

But, with all that said, I wouldn't feel right exposing everything to her family, my family, our friends. If she puts in an effort over the next day or two, then I'd like to let that effort continue to grow. If she does not, then maybe I'd reconsider that.

If I tell her family, my family and our friends, I'll have done irreparable damage to our relationship, and likely make her feel like her life has been ruined. I just don't know that I can be that cruel a person.

There are moments where I'd like to hurt her like that, but I don't think I could really be that vengeful to her.

I pray that she was completely honest last night, that it was all a long time ago and that it has all been over for a long time. I see the signs that that is not the case, but right now, I want to keep my hopes up.

I also understand all of you who have said to man up. I get it. The sobbing is not very manly. If tonight goes poorly, I will likely ask her to move out. When I've brought it up before, she always says she wants to get our finances in order first, but if I have to ask her to leave, I won't be waiting for that. If she won't go at that point, then, yes, I will likely let her family know why I've asked her to leave.
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