I haven't posted in this section in a while, but I decided I'd open this one up to a wider audience.
My story is around if you want to look it up, but the short version is:
My W had a 10 or 11 month PA with a coworker. Half this time she was pregnant with our daughter who is now a year and a half old.
D-Day #1 was Sept 2011
D-Day #2 was Oct 2011
Quit her job Dec 2011
D-Day #3 was Mar 2012 (Not with AP but secret email account and plans to buy a burner phone to talk to toxic friend)
In June, she finally gave up all of her work friends.
I've been kind of dreading August. My birthday is at the end of the month. It was a few days before my birthday that she told me she wasn't sexually attracted to me. It was about a week later that I discovered her A.
We've made some progress. A lot has happened over the past year. I'm just down about it being almost a year and we're not even close to being ok yet.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,598
Re: One year is approaching...mixed results
I went through a long R also but we are doing fine. It can be daunting when you don't see much progress but sometime rebuilding the foundation of a marriage takes time, especially if you do it right. What's the progress report so far?
I went through a long R also but we are doing fine. It can be daunting when you don't see much progress but sometime rebuilding the foundation of a marriage takes time, especially if you do it right. What's the progress report so far?
Well the progress report is that she finally gave up her work life, but seems still affected somewhat by losing it. She is depressed in general.
She still doesn't find me sexually attractive although she says I'm not repulsive. That one hurts because I can't really do a whole lot about it. I know it hurts her too, but she feels helpless to change it. She has scheduled an appointment for next month with her doctor and after that plans on seeing a sex therapist. That's probably the biggest issue for me. Kind of like a double rejection after the A.
We haven't made a whole lot pf progress in "dating" more. I haven't made a whole lot of progress in becoming more physicaly attractive. I'm not ugly, but she likes big muscle guys apparently. These two things I am finding it hard to have motivation to do honestly.
No I never did. I ordered the kit and everything but never did it. After finding her secret email account, she sat down with me to do the test and then I discovered it was expired so we didn't do it. I still think I'd like to get this done, but honestly I don't think in my gut this is an issue.
No I never did. I ordered the kit and everything but never did it. After finding her secret email account, she sat down with me to do the test and then I discovered it was expired so we didn't do it. I still think I'd like to get this done, but honestly I don't think in my gut this is an issue.
I don't think you should be looking at it as an obstacle or an issue with regards to your R, but rather just knowing the truth. It might be useful to verify it for possible future health complications your daughter might suffer, such as blood/organ compatibility and on. Also for the paternity test's the mother doesn't have to be present.
Don't kid your self, there is alot to the rebuilding process, even the little things can help so get the DNA done and get it out of the way, subconsiously it could make a difference, who knows.
And your chick made the effort to quite her job at least you good make an effort to shape up...even if it just a light work out that gives you the distance, if you know what I mean. I'm say you don't have to be some body builder, but at least not be out of breath when your taking her cloths off.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but the point is if she is making the effort to affair proof her marriage you would think you could to by being more physically attractive?
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,598
Re: One year is approaching...mixed results
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheGoodFight
Well the progress report is that she finally gave up her work life, but seems still affected somewhat by losing it. She is depressed in general..
Good that she got out of that environment. Did she get work elsewhere? The depression is probably pretty normal given the circumstances. What is she doing to address it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheGoodFight
She still doesn't find me sexually attractive although she says I'm not repulsive. That one hurts because I can't really do a whole lot about it. I know it hurts her too, but she feels helpless to change it. She has scheduled an appointment for next month with her doctor and after that plans on seeing a sex therapist. That's probably the biggest issue for me. Kind of like a double rejection after the A..
Sorry to say my marriage went sexless for 2 years but it was part of the process. She will need to connect with you emotionally before she gets really into having sex with you again. However that does not mean you can't use sex as an emotional building tool. My wife was still emotionally disconnected when I had the discussion with her that we needed to re-engage and it did help her to open up, trust and emotionally reconnect. It had a lot more impact on her than I though it would.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheGoodFight
We haven't made a whole lot pf progress in "dating" more. I haven't made a whole lot of progress in becoming more physically attractive. I'm not ugly, but she likes big muscle guys apparently. These two things I am finding it hard to have motivation to do honestly.
Red flag here. Do not try and become her ideal man or compete with her AP. She married you for a reason and chances are some of those traits have changed. In our case I did not change who I was in R but more made efforts to revert back the person I was when we were in love. Certainly work on your health by diet and working out. That will bring you many positives, including confidence but don't change yourself at the core.
Maybe it was in my competitive nature, but I learned what made my fWW tick and used to my advandage.
Granted you can't compete with OM's when the A is on going, but in your case it seem you can take from what you have learned and us it to affair proof the marriage.
I think deep down she believes that she was never attracted to me sexually in the first and doesn't think she ever will be. But she wants to be married so she goes through the motions.
When she told me that back at the beginning I thought it was just fog talk and it would go away. Now I'm not so sure anymore.
I run, so I'm not out of shape really. I'm just not a weight lifter, never have been. So it's almost like her tastes changed, or maybe she figured it out. I don't know.
I stand corrected and you just might be on to something. Its been a year, this can't go on forever.
I mean really how unhappy can the both of you get before you call it quites? Maybe it just a matter of figuring out what you both really need/want?
I'm just saying you "think" this and you "think" that so what do you really know about her honest feeling. Its been a year it might be time for her to be honest with her self and with you so the both of you can move on.
Does she know how you are feeling?
Hell its been a year and you both tried........
Maybe this thread is just a rant and your feeling down b/c of the time of year?
Maybe I am just feeling down. I have a lot to be glad for in a way. She could have refused to give her job and the OM up.
I asked her point blank last night if she had ever been attracted to me and she said she had been thinking about it a lot and she didn't know. She had tried to think about what it was like when we first met and she can't remember.
Then she went into a list of all of the things she does like about me. I know she wants to feel sexual towards me, and it hurts her that she doesn't.
We went to MC last week and the MC was talking about how attraction can come and go. Like how you might be attracted to someone until you get to know them and then it's a turnoff.
She asked my W if she thought she would still be attracted to the OM if she saw him now. She said, "yea probably". And I'm sitting there thinking wtf? This guy just outright used her for an easy bj and she still would be attracted to him?
I'm seriously distressed over this, but everything else is going ok, so I'm conflicted on just ending it.
Maybe I am just feeling down. I have a lot to be glad for in a way. She could have refused to give her job and the OM up.
I asked her point blank last night if she had ever been attracted to me and she said she had been thinking about it a lot and she didn't know. She had tried to think about what it was like when we first met and she can't remember.
Then she went into a list of all of the things she does like about me. I know she wants to feel sexual towards me, and it hurts her that she doesn't.
We went to MC last week and the MC was talking about how attraction can come and go. Like how you might be attracted to someone until you get to know them and then it's a turnoff.
She asked my W if she thought she would still be attracted to the OM if she saw him now. She said, "yea probably". And I'm sitting there thinking wtf? This guy just outright used her for an easy bj and she still would be attracted to him?
I'm seriously distressed over this, but everything else is going ok, so I'm conflicted on just ending it.
The bold part gotta hurt.
Interesting isnt it? Your marriage counselor essentially said that you're a turnoff for her.
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One year is approaching...mixed results 
