I married a fat woman. I know this is unflattering, but I loved her. She was not the type I usually dated. Over the years, my support and love helped her accomplish many things in her career. She became a 'superstar' in her industry. Then she decided to 'get thin' and had a weight loss related surgery. At this point, she was out earning me by some 20 times. Then, typical of men in the same situation, she began to become cruel, distant and uncaring. She wanted me to take full time care of our child, which I did and without hesitation or resentment, but criticized my ways, my 'home making' (cooking, cleaning, etc.) and pinched every penny. In the mean time, she took advantage of any money that I made, and ran up any credit cards to the max, which were in my name. She began seeing other 'male clients' on weekends and at odd hours. She assured me that she was not cheating, but all the time claimed that we had a 'special relationship' because I was the 'mister mom', and she was the 'wage earner'. She claimed that she had a right to other male friends. She continued to see old flames and FB other men. Finally, she became so emotionally engaged in one of her new clients, a 'pet project' that she took on, that she was buying him clothes, flying to Europe to spend time with him, and buying him other gifts. When I would question, she would always say 'don't be ridiculous, this guy has a girlfriend'.
Well, the discontent continued, on her part (and mine). We relocated, yet again, in order for her to have a better 'work situation', and at the same time I had to absorb any moving and relocation costs, for, at this time, and because she was such a penny pincher, I had to start a small business just to pay my bills. She finally came to me and said the famous words "I love you but I am not IN love with you". I was confused. I tried to find every meaning of what those words meant, and all over the Internet. No translation, it turns out, is meant for good.
I found texts and emails to other guys on her cell phone and email, which she refused to allow me access to, but when I suspected something, had to look.....like watching an accident happening. In one text, she protests my 'manhood' to this new 'client'. She claimed that I might be gay. No, sorry, not true. I asked her why she thought this and she only replied "I always thought that you would wind up with another man". I didn't have the heart to tell her that, since her surgery, she had become very cruel and unloving, and that I had to learn how to physically hold this 'new person', and that it was strange to me. She didn't feel the same, physically, sexually or any way, and was mad at me. I had given up sex, at her request, and now she held it against me, as part of the excuse for why I 'might be gay'.
I was helping her in her business all the time. I was making contacts, developing new leads for her, making deposits, attending events, organizing events, etc., all for no charge, no expectation, and certainly to not be credited for any of the work I had done. I grew to realize that she was a narcissist. Her need for work, power and money, were all part of the original 'weight issue'-that the weight was gone was only an outward sign......now she 'fed' herself with other things.
In addition to her weight problems, she has always had a serious problem with hoarding. To have 350 pairs of shoes, 200 purses, 400 or 500 outfits, was not unusual. Yet every time I tried to organize or give away stuff she was not hoarding, I was seriously chastised and rebuked. Jewelry became a thing, then guitars, then horses, then cars, then........whatever. Each time I struggled to pay my bills (and I somehow found a way, with God's help), and I saw her bring home a new car or a new trinket, I slipped away so she could not see me weep. I had officially become a wimp!
I started concentrating on my business, and it grew, and she began shoving more and more of the financial obligations on me, as she 'globe trotted', all under the guise of 'developing new projects and clients'. When we talked, I could not get a word in edge-wise, and she constantly over-talked, interrupted or criticized me, in front of her clients, my clients, my friends, her friends, and our child. My own child asked me why I put up with it. How does one undo becoming a wimp?
We did counseling. The therapist suggested that I was violent and abusive (her side of the story). I could not believe my ears! He suggested that I be on drugs to control my anger and that I needed to 'work on my communication'. The problem is, we were in trouble WAY before communication became an issue. I've found that to be true in every case, by the way. There is no 'communication problem', only a refusal to hear caustic criticism, interruptions, disrespect and outright hatred hurled at me, yet one more time.
She said that she was sorry for our troubles for she had 'changed' and I had not. It was an issue of compatability-I simply was no longer any 'fun' and just did not 'make enough money' (her words). I asked if we were over, and she said 'I will decide when it's time and when I've had enough'.
So, she still goes out of town on junkets to promote her new 'client'-sometimes for weeks at a time. I've gotten used to the fact that she usually disappears for the full 3 months of summer, and this summer she met her new 'client' for some 8 weeks in various beautiful, idlyllic settings in the US-places most people would consider 'romantic' but places I wished I could have been. She wouldn't take me, however. This was 'business'.
Now she's had some indication that she has a life threatening illness-probably cancer. I am a Christian, I have tried to forgive, and ask God to help me forgive her every day, but she doesn't believe the same way I do. Fact is, I became a 'wimp' because I believed what the Bible said about men being the 'heads' of the household, yet she disagreed with anything that the Bible said about being submissive to a man. She sort of picks and chooses her moments to be religious.....if the Scripture fits the occassion, then she believes it is inspired from God.....if not, then 'a man wrote it'. So, rather than argue, I will become that 'man' that God wants me to be. I have turned her over to him. I cannot prove the adultery, though I can the emotional affairs, but I don't believe that's enough to walk away.
Help me. I am truly being emotionally abused, and I've never beleived that such abuse was possible-it was just a farce that people made up to complain or justify their bad behavior. My men's group, my pastor and spiritual gurus all are confused and don't know what to say or do.......none have seen such a situation. And, now, because of her 'illness', she has become addicted to prescription drugs-all at the behest of her many 'doctors'.
And I? I am the gold-digging, freeloader, who doesn't know how to run a business or raise a child, who continues to abuse her in my thoughts, which is why she has to speak first and speak the loudest, and why she must cut me off from speaking my mind. She used to chide me for 'harangueing' her, now she criticises me for never 'opening up and speaking my mind'. The abuse? All in her mind......she even accused me of 'yelling at her' when I had lowered my voice to a whisper, so that she could not say that I had intimidated her with a loud voice. Her? She continues to 'gaslight' and deny any suggestion of bad behavior to the therapist. I believe the term 'revisionist history' just about covers the story of our 'incompatibility'. Therapy was not helping.....I had to stop because she only became more beligerent towards me after every session.
Yet.......there she is.....the perfect model of a mother........the clever business woman, having overcome a 'man's world'.....the life of the party.....the one everyone runs to for advice......perfect! Loved! Rich! Famous! Married to a 'bastard'.
How unlikely an outcome for me. Through the years, I have been known as the 'big, burly, soft, strong and silent' type. I was a CO-a pacifist. I broke up fights. I got people to come together and agree-a peacemaker. I made more money than most men, but that changed when I decided to be a family man. I gave up my career. I was very well-known for what I did. My true friends and family are completely disbelieving when they see the disconnect and the outrageous behavior which she displays, and are dumbfounded at her accusations. But, I really believe she is dying.......and I can't leave her........nor my child.
Say a prayer for me, please. Ask God to take away the drugs, alcohol and the other men, before it's too late and she is gone. My child is worth more than ten of me.......and certainly a THOUSAND of her!
I am doing all I can to create a world in which, if worse comes to worse, my child is taken care of. But it's never enough. I am older now, and waited to be married until my career was flourishing. My own time on this planet is questionable.
My child has now started to withdraw and declines to speak to his mother, either on the phone, or by text. When he cries and is hurt, he comes to me. If he needs money, or wants to spend time at a friend's house, he asks me, because he knows she will not take him. She hates that......but she is never there. Not for the school activities, not for the concerts, not for the late night chats. And yet she really beleives that she is a good mother and 'knows him best'. Other mothers. of his good buddies. ask him if he misses his mom (they all know what's going on, and when she's out of town.....she calls all of them to ask them to 'step in' and to 'help out my husband'-perhaps out of guilt or remorse), he tells them 'no-she has her career and does what's important to her'. His heart is growing colder, day by day. A divorce would only destroy him, now. He has learned how to be 'unattached'. Thanks, dear!
Advice, I seek. Please don't flame me.....she does that enough already! If you have an honest opinion or insight, then say it! But don't be cruel, please. I don't need any more lessons on how a human can be cruel to another.
I couldn't actually read all of your post, Uncomplicated. Yours is a story that would make me grind my teeth down to the gums in frustration if I knew all the details.
Don't worry about "cruelty" here. What we are, for the most part, is blunt. A bit tactless at times, but the advice you'll get here, for the most part, is constructive criticism.
Now, onto the advice.
Your wife doesn't love or respect you. That much I'm sure of. She's been addicted to male attention since she had her weight-loss surgery, which gave her enormous confidence. Unfortunately, you did nothing to stop her inappropriate behavior once she realized she could use her looks to her advantage.
Make no mistake, she has been having affairs since she found her confidence. Rather that set boundaries and defend your marriage, you allowed her to disrespect and cuckold you, and you have done nothing to protect yourself and your self-respect. This is the biggest issue in your marriage - your wife has no respect for you, because you have no respect for you. You're obviously very much in love with your wife, so much so that you allow her to walk all over you and cheat on you and insult you to her lovers.
Unfortunately, this has been going on for so long, and your wife is such a narcissist, that there is little you can do to earn that respect anymore. If you stand up for yourself now, she will only be furious and blame you for what your feeling, since you've allowed her to walk all over you for the entirety of your marriage.
However, divorce is the only thing that you can do to stand up for yourself at this point. You know she is a narcissist. You know she's been cheating. You know your son is falling out of love with her. Clearly, you are not in a healthy marriage. So long as she is carrying on as she is, continuing her affairs and disrespecting you, counseling will be of no help to your marriage. It would be a waste of time and money.
Kids are made of tougher stuff than you give them credit for. If your son is falling out of love for his mother as you describe, I can only see the divorce helping him - it would remove your toxic wife from his life, at least partially, while you can pursue a proper, healthy relationship. One he can properly relate to when he grows older and gets married.
So, stand up for yourself. Get a divorce. Stop making excuses for why you cannot - your happiness and self respect are on the line. Your son's happiness is on the line. Do you really think staying with this evil narcissist of a wife will help him? Really? Do you really want most important female role-model in his life to be your cheating, evil wife?
Get an attorney, make a plan and go find happiness for you and your child.
Your wife is nothing but a selfish loser.
Read this:
Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot. Never ever insist yourself on someone who continuously over looks your worth.
I couldn't get through your entire post either - just too damn long. I think it was Lord Mayhem that pointed out that something like 75% of women that get weight reduction surgery leaves their significant other. So it comes as no surprise that your wife is treating you like dirt. She probably felt that when she was fat that she had to settle for you. Now, she's thin and has a great career and you're nothing more than her 'manservant'.
Unfortunately, she has lost all respect and sexual attraction for you. She wears the pants in the family and she thinks that you'll just sit back and accept things as they are.
Surprise her and file for divorce and make sure you get as much alimony from her as is legally possible. Good luck.
Unfortunately for you, your brand of Christianity isn't the Biblical type. So here's some scripture for you. In these passages from different books, God portrays Himself as a polygynous husband with two wives, Israel and Judah.:
<< Ezekiel 23 >>
This message came to me from the Lord: 2“Son of man, once there were two sisters who were daughters of the same mother. 3They became prostitutes in Egypt. Even as young girls, they allowed men to fondle their breasts. 4The older girl was named Oholah, and her sister was Oholibah. I married them, and they bore me sons and daughters. I am speaking of Samaria and Jerusalem, for Oholah is Samaria and Oholibah is Jerusalem.
5“Then Oholah lusted after other lovers instead of me, and she gave her love to the Assyrian officers. 6They were all attractive young men, captains and commanders dressed in handsome blue, charioteers driving their horses. 7And so she prostituted herself with the most desirable men of Assyria, worshiping their idols and defiling herself. 8For when she left Egypt, she did not leave her spirit of prostitution behind. She was still as lewd as in her youth, when the Egyptians slept with her, fondled her breasts, and used her as a prostitute.
(snip)
11“Yet even though Oholibah saw what had happened to Oholah, her sister, she followed right in her footsteps. And she was even more depraved, abandoning herself to her lust and prostitution. 12She fawned over all the Assyrian officers—those captains and commanders in handsome uniforms, those charioteers driving their horses—all of them attractive young men. 13I saw the way she was going, defiling herself just like her older sister.
(snip)
20She lusted after lovers with genitals as large as a donkey’s and emissions like those of a horse.
Here's what God did about it:
Jeremiah 3:8
"I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries."
One last scripture for you:
Luke 10:37b "...Then said Jesus unto him, Go, and do thou likewise."
No offense to anyone but this story is far too common. Fat and/or ugly ducking marries husband, becomes skinny and attractive and leaves him. Her self esteem shoots through the roof and she becomes so full of pride and arrogance that the husband who chose her when she was fat must be so beneath her! He married a ugly girl because he couldn't get a prettier one so why should I be with him now?
Their ego parallels that of the lowly Walter White now after killing his drug lord boss, Gus Fring on Breaking Bad, pure blind arrogance.
When you are ready to give up on everything, that's when you'll start to be strong.
You have been weak for so long, I think you have gotten comfortable with it.
Take that small first step forward now.
This hit straight to the heart for me...Now that I am ready to give up, I am actually getting stronger.. GOT a job, I have alot ahead of me.. Long road until I am ready to walk, no run away.. But Hey I am taking the steps toward what NEEDS to be done..
The weak in me became weaker day by day just trying to understand, stop, his affair, desperatly trying to save my marriage and family. Wanting so much to feel loved, desired, wanted.. It wore me down to nothing just trying to hold on....
Now day by day IM getting stronger.. SLOWLY but SURLEY getting stronger, tougher more determined to end all the madness. READY TO GIVE UP.. builds somthing in you that you cant explain but you sure feel it, just as strongly as when you were trying to stop the he** the slow weakness you feel... Yeah both are feeling occur, and both are from the A either weak from trying or strong from giving up................
I think frivolous divorce is an epidemic in this country. However, adultery has always been a valid reason for Christians and Jews to divorce and remain in good standing in the Church. But, if you are determined to remain married, then you should separate. Go live on your own with your son and leave your wife behind. She already makes you pay for your own way, so you're prepared.
As for divorce destroying your son, I think you've got it exactly backwards. The reason divorce is hard on children is not because they don't live in the same house as their parents anymore. Your wife is already gone much of the time. It's because the kids stop seeing their parents as trustworthy, loyal, and dependable. They understand that, if Mom can be this cruel to Dad, maybe she can be this cruel to me. And, since I got my genes from Mom, maybe I have this capacity as well. Your son already sees your wife for what she is. A divorce would probably be a relief to him because he could see his father stand up for himself. So far, you've taught him that husbands should be the playthings of their wives. If I were him, I would never get married.
Finally, if you have truly resigned yourself to staying married to this "woman" and living in the same house, then the only advice I have for you is to shut up and take it. Maybe one day you'll be appreciative of the abuse she gives you. Maybe not. But complaining about something that you've already decided not to fix won't be productive.
No offense to anyone but this story is far too common. Fat and/or ugly ducking marries husband, becomes skinny and attractive and leaves him. Her self esteem shoots through the roof and she becomes so full of pride and arrogance that the husband who chose her when she was fat must be so beneath her! He married a ugly girl because he couldn't get a prettier one so why should I be with him now?
Their ego parallels that of the lowly Walter White now after killing his drug lord boss, Gus Fring on Breaking Bad, pure blind arrogance.
Never dated a fat chick and never will.
I never watched Breaking Bad and planned on buying the DVD collection. A spoiler alert would've been nice.
No offense to anyone but this story is far too common. Fat and/or ugly ducking marries husband, becomes skinny and attractive and leaves him. Her self esteem shoots through the roof and she becomes so full of pride and arrogance that the husband who chose her when she was fat must be so beneath her! He married a ugly girl because he couldn't get a prettier one so why should I be with him now?
At any given time, I'm physique training several women who are in this category. Every one of these women are in the 40-50 range when they first start training. Typically, they've had some kind of gastric surgery that moves them from a 1 to a 6, then I bring them up to a 8 or 9 (within their age group). A very similar group are the flat girls who have shiny new bolt-on boobies, but the gastric girls are by far the worst.
There are actually two classes of these women:
Type I settles for a decent guy who looks beyond her obesity and sees the girl within and she actually falls in love with the guy. Eventually, the inevitable health issues start cropping up and the girl decides to get healthy. At that point, she's getting hit on by so many men, all of them much hotter than H, she's beside herself. She has never had this happen in her life, except in her fantasies, and here it is in real life and she has zero coping skills. Soon, she's riding the c0ck carousel and BH is just the babysitter.
Type II settles for the best guy she can get (remember that song by Pearl Jam?) but is never attracted to him (wine helps) and despises him. Again, once the transformation happens, BH is just gum on her shoe.
No matter the type of woman, once the swinging starts up contempt and resentment of the BH goes to a fever pitch. Later it's just a game to see how much and for how long before he finally cracks.
70Likes
The end is near but still holding on..... 
