Time for some soul searching Frankie, I will not pile on, as others have done a nice enough job so far. You need to decide where your heart lies. But remember that you may well be in the "fog" of the affair. Sure this women seems perfect at the moment but they all do in the beginning, right?
The people I feel for the most is your children. I laugh at the people that think their children that live in the same house and see you two interact EVERYDAY are oblivious to what is going on. I bet dollars to donuts your kids feel the tension and are learning from it daily! It makes me sick to my stomach that anyone would think staying in a bad relationship for the children is a good idea. I have a young son and I have to watch very closely what I do in front of him. He mimics my behavior as I am certain your children are doing the same to you and your wife.
You need to either fish or cut bait! If you decide your GF is the one you want, man up and D NOW! If you decide your wife is where your heart lies, then MAN UP and dump the GF (and hope she doesn't out you) and tell your wife "It's do or die time." She can either be part of the solution going forward or you will end it!
Here is where I differ from most on this forum and will likely get flamed for having my opinion. If you decide you think you can save the marriage and will NEVER cheat again. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT ABOUT THE AFFAIR! Admitting it will only cause everyone involved more heartache! Get yourself in IC and demand MC for you and your wife. It's time you take control over your life, including your marriage! Every waking moment you remain indecisive about this is like a train heading towards the cliff. There will be a time you wont be in control anymore.
Your advice it simply horrific. Going to marriage counseling while trying to keep his affair hidden would be as disingenuous as can be.
Here is where I differ from most on this forum and will likely get flamed for having my opinion. If you decide you think you can save the marriage and will NEVER cheat again. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT ABOUT THE AFFAIR! Admitting it will only cause everyone involved more heartache!
WORST ADVICE EVER.
If you do decide not to tell her, you've learned NOTHING from what you did. You're still a liar and a cheat.
Frankie - There are some threads on here where I argue your side.
I am going to get my head handed to me, but what you've said is that you truly tried to communicate with your wife over a prolonged period and she dismissed and ignored you. In that situation, what are you to do? Many of the commenters are jaded by their experiences of being cheated on. But many simply do not understand the impossibility of talking to someone that will not listen (or respond) and that is just defensive. Many cheaters say "I was unhappy" or "we were soo emotionally unconnected" in hindsight without warning. Many betrayed spouses had no idea that was coming and were given no warning. But, when you tell your spouse she is playing with fire, I am less sensitive to the righteous indignation of others when she gets burned.
What is a man or woman to do when their spouse puts up a wall and effectively says "I do not care about you; we have children so you are stuck here." What else is sex 1 or 2 times per year saying?
Obviously it would have been best if you told your W before you took the next step. But, that is a difficult place - because she would turn the ultimatum on you - decide between your family happiness or your relationship happiness (oh, and BTW, I'll take you to the F'in cleaners and enjoy seeing your daughters on the weekends).
First thing is you should not expose your W to any possible diseases (no offense intended) your OW may have. So, do not have any type of sexual contact with your W. Make the tough decision. Do not blame your W or justify your decision. Make it, tell her what you want. Tell her what happened. If you want to stay and she can live with you, see what needs to be done to make things right without blaming each other. If you want to leave, leave.
The ONLY way to make any attempt of having a good relationship with your wife is to tell her about your affair. Otherwise, you will be stuck in the same relationship that you say prompted you to have the affair in the first place.
I also want to comment on your "fling". You had a "fling" and she had an affair? What an interesting way to describe what is essentially the same act.
Did you ever think that she simply stayed with you for the children and that is why she has no desire to have you touch her? It could be the very reason she is making no attempt to reconcile with you. It may be her reason as to why she meets up with a guy in a van. She may have gotten over you long ago.
Don't get me wrong, I do not think your "fling" deserves what she did, quite to the contrary. I do, however, find the irony in the fact you get the rare opportunity to walk in her shoes for a change.
Time for some soul searching Frankie, I will not pile on, as others have done a nice enough job so far. You need to decide where your heart lies. But remember that you may well be in the "fog" of the affair. Sure this women seems perfect at the moment but they all do in the beginning, right?
The people I feel for the most is your children. I laugh at the people that think their children that live in the same house and see you two interact EVERYDAY are oblivious to what is going on. I bet dollars to donuts your kids feel the tension and are learning from it daily! It makes me sick to my stomach that anyone would think staying in a bad relationship for the children is a good idea. I have a young son and I have to watch very closely what I do in front of him. He mimics my behavior as I am certain your children are doing the same to you and your wife.
You need to either fish or cut bait! If you decide your GF is the one you want, man up and D NOW! If you decide your wife is where your heart lies, then MAN UP and dump the GF (and hope she doesn't out you) and tell your wife "It's do or die time." She can either be part of the solution going forward or you will end it!
Here is where I differ from most on this forum and will likely get flamed for having my opinion. If you decide you think you can save the marriage and will NEVER cheat again. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT ABOUT THE AFFAIR! Admitting it will only cause everyone involved more heartache! Get yourself in IC and demand MC for you and your wife. It's time you take control over your life, including your marriage! Every waking moment you remain indecisive about this is like a train heading towards the cliff. There will be a time you wont be in control anymore.
You know, it is not usual that I'd say keep an affair in the closet, and I would agree with you here, but the only problem is there are others that know of the affair. If it comes out later, no problem would be solved, only exacerbated.
The only way to make this right is to tell your wife about your affair. You will need to take ownership of the affair. It was your choice to go outside the marriage.
Telling your wife might make the decision for you. She might just want you to leave.
My guess is your new relationship won't last. They typically don't, because both of you are cheaters. It will be difficult to trust each other because you each know what you are capable of.
Best of luck to you.
Yet another example of why cheating is so wrong. Do all you can to fix your marriage. If it isn't working, leave. Don't cheat.
All quotes and critisms are fair enough, but if you read back I did confront the situation. I asked her to talk about things. I suggested we should spend more time together, she preferred to watch soap operas.
I accept the critisms with my hands held high, but, like I said, there's two sides to every coin. I'll accept I did not communicate effectively, but I did try at least.
If you are talking about the state of the marriage itself, then I agree with you that there are 2 sides to the story and that both of you need to take ownership of those problems. However, choosing infidelity is 100% your fault. The mature and adult thing to do would be to exhaust the possibilities of trying to save your marriage. If you get to the point where you feel the marriage is not recoverable, THEN you go start finding someone else to be with AFTER you divorce your wife.
If you are talking about the state of the marriage itself, then I agree with you that there are 2 sides to the story and that both of you need to take ownership of those problems. However, choosing infidelity is 100% your fault. The mature and adult thing to do would be to exhaust the possibilities of trying to save your marriage. If you get to the point where you feel the marriage is not recoverable, THEN you go start finding someone else to be with AFTER you divorce your wife.
Frankie I suppose you didn't file for divorce because of the children, an understandable reason. So what's the game plan now? Your marriage is evidently an empty shell one. You've completely shut down sexually from your wife because of the years of rejection and resentment.
I’ve been married for ten years this year. We’ve been together 14. We have two amazing girls aged 7 and 4.
Since the kids came along, everything changed. I always knew it would and was prepared for it, for a long time that was fine, but the last two years I haven’t been happy, not terribly sad and not in a cruel or mentality punishing relationship but what we had pre-kids never came back.
The affection was gone, the physicality was gone, it seemed to me the love had gone along with a bit of respect; the little things that annoy you about someone (or more the point annoyed her about me) suddenly come to the fore.
I’d get into bed next to a woman I still wanted but who turned her back on me every night. I tried everything, in my mind. I asked her to talk about our sex life but she stopped it point blank saying there was ‘nothing to talk about’. We never talked about us, but there was always time to talk about everything and everyone else.
[...]
Only I feel between a rock and a hard place. If I stay for my kids, then I will always think what could have been which in the long term will be torturous for me; I also feel I’ve done this now, if I’ve done it once I’ll do it again? Am I just putting off the pain until I’m ‘n’ years older and it will feel like I would have wasted all that time I went back for?
If I go, I will tear lives to pieces and I am scared for how my kids will take that and how it will affect them.
When the kids came along, I am assuming that your wife took care of them. It's a lot of work taking care of 2 very young kids. It must had been draining for her. She may also had post-partum blues.
Did you looked after the girls for a few days so that she had a respite?
When you cheated, you already tore their lives apart. The consequences were not immediate, but they are ongoing and will affect them even into their adulthood.
I would think they are already learning and imprinting your behavior into their head. Or, at least the 7 year old is.
If you are capable, may I suggest you now take the honorable way of working on the problem. The damage is done. You do not have a say in how your marriage will turn out now. Your wife needs to make that decision.
That's not defending "cheating" just a philosohpical question.
Isn't being married to someone who has basically cut you off romantically, physically and intimately, cheating you also?
What kind of relationship is that?
Would that not depend on WHY a spouse would cut off another romantically, physically and intimately? And, assuming the reason is NOT because there is another person involved, then the spouse isn't cheating.
Communication is the key. There has to be a reason. It could be beyond the other spouse's control or understanding. Could be an emotional trauma. Could be a physical/medical issue. Could be that the spouse is being abused and bullied by the inquiring spouse. Could be the spouse knows or suspects that the other spouse is cheating.
And you are right. What kind of relationship is that. Without getting to the heart of the problem together (without another person involved) the marriage is already doomed.
If you do decide not to tell her, you've learned NOTHING from what you did. You're still a liar and a cheat.
LOL, not even close to fact, saying he can't learn without telling his wife is just silly. Admitting what he did ONLY brings pain! But if he can grow as a person, walk away knowing the weight of what he did, without bringing pain to anyone else, then I THINK HE SHOULD.
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Re: A Common Story No Doubt 
