sugahoneyplum

If a man has never been faithfull and commited to a single relationship in his entire life will he always be that way?

MattMatt

Probably. Unless he has therapy to sort out whatever issues drive him to do this.

NextTimeAround

How do you know these things? My feeling is that when someone tells you something, you suddenly become responsible.

My exH used to say, you know I forget things. My response to that is, well, I do, too.

And now if my fiancé asks me to remind him of something, I have him so trained, that he now prefaces it with "I know you're not responsible for this, but if you could remind me.......

iheartlife

sugahoneyplum, here's a recommendation:

open one thread, give us all the details, then stay in that thread so the entire story is together and you get the best advice.


This is cut and pasted from your other thread (why always fat ugly chicks):

I agree with Maricha--what does "off" mean? That they aren't living together? As long as they are in communication it's very much "on" and that's never been as true as in this day and age with skyping, video, and texting photographs.

This is called "cake-eating" because he wants you both. He's been doing this for three years--that's long enough for him to "decide" which woman he wants. But the WHOLE POINT is that he doesn't EVER want to decide. He wants you in a perpetual competition against each other to see who can be the most attentive. When he gets bored of one, voila, the other one can take over.

Here are some potential choices:
--continue doing what you've been doing; or

--visit a lawyer to understand your rights upon divorce. Then put your foot down and say, this is it, her or me, I'm not competing any more, and BTW I've booked a marriage counselor and you're coming; if you don't choose me, you are choosing divorce (and also book individual counseling for BOTH of you); or

--get off the merry-go-round and start to detach from him by practicing the 180 (live your best self as if he had disappeared) and book a counselor for YOU; visit a lawyer to understand your rights; when you're ready, file for divorce

Unlike many other cheaters, he doesn't even seem to try to hide it much (except maybe when he's home with you). That sort of behavior is blatantly, blatantly disrespectful. Always having the threat of leaving you for her is serious emotional abusive. So NO MATTER WHAT, I strongly recommend individual counseling for you so that you get an understanding of why you stay with an emotionally abusive person.

I know "you love him" but you deserve to be loved and he hasn't done that for a long time.

__________________
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Turning the Mind Into an Ally

sugahoneyplum

Sorry I feel and think so cut and pasted......

Complexity

Some people aren't cut out for monogamy.

EleGirl

Sugar,

Has he cheated in all of his previous relationships?

__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters

sugahoneyplum

He told me he cheated on his last girlfriend (long term relationship). He has also made comments when I was pregnant about how hes just like his daddy and his daddy is just like his grandaddy, "we love woman". It made me sick and at that point I asked myself what the hell did I get myself into. Also, litttle things rings to mind that he would say when we were dating, I think he was preping me. He would say things like if a woman loves her man she shouldn't snoop through his phone or email. One time he asked me if another girl called me and asked who I was what would I say.....I told him "your girlfriend" duh.....I think the sob was cheating on me then I just didnt know it. Hes admitted to being a player when he was younger but that he isnt like that now. BS! He also told me a story about how his ex-girl would get quiet when she was mad which i'm the complete opposite. And told me a story about how he took her to a BBQ of a girl which he forgot he told me about screwing before. Anyway he forgets stuff he tells me and I piece things together. Actually I piece a lot together he always talks in riddles it seems like. He keeps me in a state of confussion but to answere the question yes hes told me some things when we were dating but mostly after I got pregnant. I should have RAN at the first sign!!!!!

EleGirl

You can still run.

Is he cheating? have you checked his cell? his computer?

__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters

sugahoneyplum

Yes he did I just posted another thread oulining all the details of our relationship. Basically, he has been having an affair with a married woman I suspect off and on or always on throughout our entire relationship, almost 4 years. For the longest time I thought they were just friends but little things kept nudging me that says they werent just friends....then I started snooping after blatent disrespectfull behavior and his lack of attentiveness. I would find clues but nothing hard that he couldn't talk his way out of. This went on for a while and I began noticing a pattern of behavior a cycle that always ended with him being really nice as though he felt guilty. It started making me sick everytime he was really nice and affectionate cause I knew......Then finally I found a valentines day card in his trunk where she had writen a little love note. I messed with his head for a few weeks at first. I didn't tell him about the card I just said one day coming in from outside "hey did you know your trunk was open?" LOL he couldn't stand not knowing if I knew so bad that he put the gift bag and card in my car as if he wanted me to find it. I still didnt say anything. Then one day we were leaving the store and I opened the back door and asked where did this bag come from. He replied "IDK" then a few days later I asked him to bring up the box that the gift bag was in he said no. I finally confronted him he started crying walked outside came back in and said Im not saying I did and I wont say I didn't what matters is that Im not and I wont cheat with that woman. I nshould have made him prove it and i should have been more firm with boundries and making him prove I could trust him. Instead I sweapt it under the rug...I was dealing with a sick baby in the NICU for 9 months and I had lost my job so much was going on I neglected the problems with him....I regret that now BIG TIME. I kinda blame myslef now for why we are seperated. I love him and I dont know why I feel like I failed him somehow. Hes the one that cheated whats wrong with me?

EleGirl

What's wrong with you? You are human. Your brain is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing.. producing dopamine to keep you connected to your love/sex partner.

The problem is that this causes a lot of problems for some people.. people like you in a bad relationsihp. People who need to get away from someone who our head knows is hurting us.

Here's something for you to listen to that will help you understand.

Your Love Your Love Is My Drug (And It’s Called Dopamine)


And some reading too.....

Your Brain On Sex

Humans are chemical engines. Being in love causes the same brain reaction as taking cocain... except cocain wares off much much quicker. You need him to get your next dose of cocain-like-love.

Seriously that's what your problem is.

So how do you fall out of love and stop hurting? You go to no contact. You stop thining about him as much as you can. You refuse to see him. You get busy with anything that is not him.

This is one reason that exit affairs work so well.. they reset the human to whom we emotionally attach to to get our dopamine fix.

__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters

Twofaces

Run. Run fast. Dont look back. This is a set up for the biggest heartbreak ever. He is a serial cheater.

Again. RUN and RUN FAST

hookares

Some people can only function when they are cheating. It's what they do.
My ex was cheating on the last guy she was with when I was dumped less than six months after our divorce.

sugahoneyplum

EleGirl> thanks for the links. Yep I'm like a crack addict. I lost 30 lbs in three weeks after he left. And picked up smoking a pack a day. I think of him 24/7.......my jones is so bad I can't tell you how many times I wanted to take my life I know its not worth it but I feel so trapped in my "addiction" to him and the pain the craving the longing the fact that I have no control or any hope of getting him back because this time he shows no interest its sufficating. At least all the other times he wouldn't leave me alone so I still got a little taste & hope. This time he has his own place and free range to be a player and have woman crawling at his feet. His new job and new freedom and independence has really blown up his ego and the woman know we arent together and he is more available so I'm sure their all working their jelly now to compete for him even more. He really thinks he's such a great catch. He's dillusional and I was too. I had such a deep attachment to this man this feeling sucks. I'm so tempted to get me a rebound guy, trade one vice for another just to help me detach more but I'm affraid of forming another attachment to another abusive man. We have been talking a lot more but its like he wants me to compete like the rest of the hens (assuming their chasing him its probably the other way around), I wont do it. I wish this feeling would go away, I want to be free of this insanity but I dont think I can really do it. I tried no contact for two months then I caved and contacted him. We been communicating for a month now and he has all the power, I'm not getting what I really want from him so your right I need to go back to no contact I guess but I know when I dissapear he will start to call again especially now that he knows I'm getting ready to move and hes going to want to know where I live. I'm not going to tell him and I know its goning to drive him nuts.

Entropy3000

He would not be worth the risk. He would have proved to have a low character.

__________________
My marriage to my wife Donna is a love story. -- Jim

Take My Breath Away