I should add that her comment about not needing me at the moment was made during our argument about her planned GNO, and fueled by maybe too many drinks (If it makes any difference).
Between her willingness to answer questions, and the information I got from OMW, they would park his truck in deserted parts of town. I am not sure how easy it is to find a Fk spot in a hospital, but I imagine they found a way. One shtty fact is that my house is literally blocks away from the hospital, so my house could have been used for their escapades.
Currently, I know every time the OM is at the same hospital via OMW. Thus I go on high alert and demand all time to be accounted for. Obviously there is no way for me to know the extent of their interactions whilst at work, which leads me to consider just walking into the damn surgery center on a day I know he is there.
First rule of reconciliation : no trickle or half truths. Did you not read the nrwbie link? How can you reconcile without knowing the true extent of the betrayal? And where did you lose your self respect? If she cannot do the minimum, you never had a chanc anyway.
Have you considered reporting them at work? Why/why not?
Great advice, thak you. Like I said before, I laid out my intentions plain and clear, stating that if she takes this GNO she should also pack a bag. She finally relented.
There has been a NC letter. It was sent from the OM to my WW. She never sent a return letter though.
I have verified to best of my ability that the is no secret phone, email, etc. That's not to say he hasn't bought her one, and it's kept at the hospital.
As I also said before, she is willingly taking steps to take a position at a hospital that he does not go to.
I am also on the verge of exposing her. Should I have divorce papers in hand, or just do it now?
So she never got to check out of the A. he was made to.
Threrefore she has not done the basics.
Its all process MG. Steps that BS an WW's go thru.
Exposing is as a part of it as the NC letter. I'm no expert on the stuff, but from being here an seeing the results from taking these actions I can say they work.
She is still looking at how hard it is on her without taking ownership of the pain she did to you and the marriage.
You should expose to at least the family. That brings a lil more accountability and consequence, for as of now, she is only inconvienced by seeing your hurt and having to find a new job.
Affairs are life changing disruptions, and should be treated as such. NOT as a lil miss step that can be glossed over.
Sit her down, look her in the eye, and tell her she is NOT doing enough to BUILD a new marriage from the one she destroyed.
Tell her EXACTLY what you need. If she is not ready or feel she can't, then you leave it at that and visit a lawyer for the papers. Don't tell her you are doing it, just present her with them.
Telling her it can be stopped, but its up to her to show she wants her family.
Expose expose expose. You need transparency here. NC means NC, no Morse code, no smoke signals, NO CONTACT! Put that big heavy iron steel toed boot down ! Track her, install tracker on her phone, install key logger, warn her you are at your last straw and don't tell her what you are up to on your own or she'll go underground if this is rug swept or this ends up being a false R She needs to change her job now, period, NC means NC, "get another job or I'm gone"
As someone’s who lived through a false recovery, it seems very likely to me that you are headed down that same path. I worried too much about her reputation and pushing her further away and not nearly enough about ending the affair. The MOST important thing you need to do for your marriage to have any chance at all is to end the affair. She will be furious and she will swear that while you had a chance before that there is no way she can reconcile with you now after you have exposed her affair and embarrassed her. DON’T WORRY. Your marriage can survive her anger. What it can’t survive is her ongoing affair.
As hard as it may be, you need to take charge of your marriage and your recovery. You need to expose her affair to the hospital’s HR department, to her family and to your family. Affairs cannot survive the light so you have to shine a big spotlight on it. Demand the truth even to the point of requiring her to take a polygraph. She will protest, but don’t give in. The more she protests, the more likely that she’s still lying. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
Finally, she has to leave that job immediately. You cannot even begin recovery as long as she has any contact with him at all. Every time she passes him in the hallway, she back at square one. By the way, don’t fool yourself into believing that there’s no way for her to be still carrying on this affair. There is plenty of opportunity for them to meet in the hospital parking lot, in an empty room at the hospital, or any number of other places. He!!, my xWW was sneaking OM into my basement after I went to sleep at night. Where there is a will, there is always a way.
Fight for your marriage. Do everything in your power to stop this affair. After that, you can begin to recover. She will only emerge from her affair fog after NC is in place and this affair is over for good. Until then, all of your efforts are in vain.
As someone’s who lived through a false recovery, it seems very likely to me that you are headed down that same path. I worried too much about her reputation and pushing her further away and not nearly enough about ending the affair. The MOST important thing you need to do for your marriage to have any chance at all is to end the affair. She will be furious and she will swear that while you had a chance before that there is no way she can reconcile with you now after you have exposed her affair and embarrassed her. DON’T WORRY. Your marriage can survive her anger. What it can’t survive is her ongoing affair.
As hard as it may be, you need to take charge of your marriage and your recovery. You need to expose her affair to the hospital’s HR department, to her family and to your family. Affairs cannot survive the light so you have to shine a big spotlight on it. Demand the truth even to the point of requiring her to take a polygraph. She will protest, but don’t give in. The more she protests, the more likely that she’s still lying. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
Finally, she has to leave that job immediately. You cannot even begin recovery as long as she has any contact with him at all. Every time she passes him in the hallway, she back at square one. By the way, don’t fool yourself into believing that there’s no way for her to be still carrying on this affair. There is plenty of opportunity for them to meet in the hospital parking lot, in an empty room at the hospital, or any number of other places. He!!, my xWW was sneaking OM into my basement after I went to sleep at night. Where there is a will, there is always a way.
Fight for your marriage. Do everything in your power to stop this affair. After that, you can begin to recover. She will only emerge from her affair fog after NC is in place and this affair is over for good. Until then, all of your efforts are in vain.
As someone’s who lived through a false recovery, it seems very likely to me that you are headed down that same path. I worried too much about her reputation and pushing her further away and not nearly enough about ending the affair. The MOST important thing you need to do for your marriage to have any chance at all is to end the affair. She will be furious and she will swear that while you had a chance before that there is no way she can reconcile with you now after you have exposed her affair and embarrassed her. DON’T WORRY. Your marriage can survive her anger. What it can’t survive is her ongoing affair.
As hard as it may be, you need to take charge of your marriage and your recovery. You need to expose her affair to the hospital’s HR department, to her family and to your family. Affairs cannot survive the light so you have to shine a big spotlight on it. Demand the truth even to the point of requiring her to take a polygraph. She will protest, but don’t give in. The more she protests, the more likely that she’s still lying. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
Finally, she has to leave that job immediately. You cannot even begin recovery as long as she has any contact with him at all. Every time she passes him in the hallway, she back at square one. By the way, don’t fool yourself into believing that there’s no way for her to be still carrying on this affair. There is plenty of opportunity for them to meet in the hospital parking lot, in an empty room at the hospital, or any number of other places. He!!, my xWW was sneaking OM into my basement after I went to sleep at night. Where there is a will, there is always a way.
Fight for your marriage. Do everything in your power to stop this affair. After that, you can begin to recover. She will only emerge from her affair fog after NC is in place and this affair is over for good. Until then, all of your efforts are in vain.
Very salient advice... very well articulated. I simply want to add that you also need to be judicious in exposing her. While I agree that she needs light shed upon her for her deeds (possibly ongoing deeds), you need to also avoid telling those ears that only have a voyeuristic attitude toward this situation. Essentially, those who have a need to know are partners in helping not hurting your marriage. They are the extra set of eyes and hopefully healing counsel that is needed.
It unfortunately that voyeurism make lurk even on forums such as TAM. Needless to say, I think most responders have your best interest and the interest of saving your marriage at heart.
...my wife and I have been together for 12 years, married for five. We have two small children. I found out on June 20 that she had been having an affair with a coworker since March. After much wailing and gnashing of teeth, we agreed to reconcile. She gave me what I thought was full access to all accounts, and little resistance in answering all my questions abut the affair.
...We were on what seemed to be the path to reconciliation. Two days after the vacation, I find that she is still secretly emailing the OM. After more wailing and gnashing of teeth, and a NC letter, we agree to reconcile again. I have not found any evidence of contact, but they do still work together occasionally.
Stop right there. If they "still work together occasionally," your wife is still getting a jolt of brain sex drugs like dopamine and norepinephrine. Ever heard of neuroplasticity? Her brain has been "rewired" to respond to OM sexually, pretty much on sight. The combo of the brain sex drugs released when a woman bangs a new guy, plus the brain rewiring invoked by new sexual experiences (if your wife had any forbidden sex practices with you, they were all part of the menu with OM) means your wife has pretty much lost all sexual attraction to you, even if she was still sexually attracted to you before the affair (unlikely). If the guy has "good" semen (high quantities of mood elevating substances) your wife will absorb those into her bloodstream from under her tongue or vaginally and she'll have warm fuzzy feelings for him for days after (post-coital "glow"). All this means your wife is psychologically and sexually addicted to the OM. Just like crack.
Your WW and OM can't work together or come into contact with each other at all. Your wife is hot and ready as soon as she knows she's going to be seeing OM. How long does it take to give a BJ or a quickie in a broom closet? Does your wife drive a mini-van, by chance?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Matrimonial_gloom
A common theme in our quarrels is her willingness to give up, and my fighting to keep our marriage and family together.
Your wife thinks you were mistake. She probably had vague feelings she was mildly "unhaaaapy" before the affair. When she first banged OM and loved it, she had reconcile her cognitive dissonance of knowing adultery was wrong (cognitive brain) with her love for the act (limbic brain). This is where her little "rationalization hamster" begins to run overtime, closing the gap between the two. Her eventual conclusion after she goes through several stages is that she has never been "in love" (meaning powerful sexual attraction) with you, so you were not "the one" (especially so if your wife claims to be Christian) or she would not have even been attracted to any other man, much less have the best sex of her life with him/them. This is why the chemical/psychological aftermath of her adultery makes it so easy for her to walk away from her family.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Matrimonial_gloom
My marriage of course. I still fear having neither once I expose her.
Earlier, you used the phrase "wailing and gnashing of teeth" from Matt 13:42. Here's another quote from the same guy with a slight alteration or two: "Whosoever shall seek to save his [w]ife shall lose [her] and whosoever shall lose his [w]ife shall preserve [her]." That's taking a big liberty with the passage, but it's completely true. You've lost her already, but showing the raw MANLINESS to kick her to the curb and move on, may or may not attract her back to you. It's a long shot, but it's the only shot you've got.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Matrimonial_gloom
Holy crap, just tonight I asked her if she needed me anymore, and she said not right now! Wtf.
She has zero sexual attraction for you. If you want to stay married to her (your choice) you have to become an Alpha/Sigma type, or at least a greater Beta. Right now, you don't rank so high.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Matrimonial_gloom
As long as I rugsweep for her she is happy, and tells me things like how she does want to work it out, how she loves me, etc. It seems like she cannot handle the shame, and guilt for what she has done, but I guess that's a tactic to get me to rugsweep.
She has you in the Beta/Delta Provider role. It's your job to bring home the bacon while she goes out for c0ck.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Matrimonial_gloom
No kidding. Not to mention how nonchalantly she is dealing with breaking her family apart as well. Its like nothing for her to consider life changing decisions for her children. She's definitely checked out of reality. Not sure if it's bc she still loves him, or if she truly can't handle what she has done.
It's the brain sex drugs mentioned above. You and your kids are standing between an addict (WW) and her sex-drugs.
I sure hope the OP isn't just rugsweeping this whole thing. Look at the facts. Inaction. Refusal to set boundaries. Refusal to give consequences. If I had to guess I'd think she is still cheating. I mean, she's still working there, and she's still looking for excuses to get out of the house on her own. Is the OP keylogging to see if she has another email account? Is the OP voice recording to see what happens in her car?
I sure hope the OP isn't just rugsweeping this whole thing. Look at the facts. Inaction. Refusal to set boundaries. Refusal to give consequences. If I had to guess I'd think she is still cheating. I mean, she's still working there, and she's still looking for excuses to get out of the house on her own. Is the OP keylogging to see if she has another email account? Is the OP voice recording to see what happens in her car?
Rug sweeping. Argh.
Well, if you ignore everything long enough and try not to think about it, it'll all fix itself.
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Re: Is she asking too much too soon? 
