I have been wandering around here for a couple weeks in an effort to find solace from being cheated on by my wife, and have decided to post about my dilemma for outside opinions.
To make a long story as short as possible, my wife and I have been together for 12 years, married for five. We have two small children. I found out on June 20 that she had been having an affair with a coworker since March. After much wailing and gnashing of teeth, we agreed to reconcile. She gave me what I thought was full access to all accounts, and little resistance in answering all my questions abut the affair.
In the beginning of July, we went on a vacation that had been planned for over a year with our children, my parents, and my two brothers and their families. We were on what seemed to be the path to reconciliation. Two days after the vacation, I find that she is still secretly emailing the OM. After more wailing and gnashing of teeth, and a NC letter, we agree to reconcile again. I have not found any evidence of contact, but they do still work together occasionally.
It has been less than one month since I found the last evidence of their efforts to maintain contact, and she is now telling me that she wants to go out with one of her good friends. Naturally, I voice my discomfort with this idea, and suggested that she have her friend over for dinner and whatnot. She insists that she and her friend cannot confide in each other in a satisfactory way unless they are out on their own. We argued. I said it is too soon. She said she feels like a prisoner. Now we are pretty much back to square one.
A common theme in our quarrels is her willingness to give up, and my fighting to keep our marriage and family together. I am greatly appreciative to any insight anyone has to offer. And please feel free to ask for any details I may have left out.
Take a deep breath , the following a a few of the mandatory steps to help save your marriage :-
Your wife leaves her job for your marriage to have a chance to recover, her behaviour and comments to you suggests ongoing contact . It's your marriage or her job , any money's she makes from her job will be lost when she divorces you.
Let both her parents and yours know she was having an affair and identify the OM.
Many newly betrayed spouses resists this advice and the majority end up in a world of pain and ultimately have no marriage.
This is what happens when you rug sweep and your WW and the OM continue to work together. There is no chance in hell that the affair will end if they continue to work together. Her actions show she's unremorseful and wants to rug sweep and continue her affair.
She's got some nerve. She's caught repeatedly breaking NC and she wants to go on GNOs? Seriously? Your answer should not just be no, but HELL NO. Since she's broken NC quite a few times:
Expose the affair to the Other Man's Wife (OMW) or Girl Friend if he has one.
She MUST stop working with OM and find employment elsewhere. NC can NEVER be established as long as they continue to work together. This has been proven many, many times.
You MUST monitor her using computer monitoring software, VARS, and/or GPS receivers
She MUST be willingly transparent to you.
Start the 180. If you need the link, let me know.
It takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair. Your D-Day was less than 2 months ago! You are nowhere near true R. You're still in limbo and have 2 False Rs already.
This will be your downfall. Unless she wants to reconcile and begs you for it, you have no reason to believe that you are reconciling. Kids will be fine with divorced but happier parents. She oes not have respect for you.
What steps did you take to ensure that the affair ended?
She insists that she and her friend cannot confide in each other in a satisfactory way unless they are out on their own. We argued. I said it is too soon.
She shouldn't be confiding in anyone except you. This is part of the problem!
Originally Posted by Matrimonial_gloom
She said she feels like a prisoner.
And there we have it: She plays the controlling card. The problem is that you're letting her play it.
This total lack of remorse for what she's done shows that the affair is still on. Playing the controlling card is a giant red flag. Like many men in today's society, you fear to be called "controlling". Get this: Its not controlling, its called protecting your marriage.
Especially when she's not done a damn thing to earn back your trust.