Of course there are. Quite a few on this site too, aren't there? The only difference I can see between those who chose to R and those who chose to D, is that the ones aiming for R are often asked to explain themselves, and have a whole lot of descriptions associated with them. ( low self esteem, codependent, etc, etc)
I remember my first week on TAM, some random poster told me my H probably cheated because I didn't have enough sex with him I think I know where all the BW's are LMAO.Then he politely told me not to R if I wasn't going to up the amount of sex we were having, because my H wasn't satisfied. Never saw the part where I said my H with held sex and affection for YEARS. But there are definitely some on the board who will judge anyone who R's just because they can. Which I also think is a huge blow to someone who is still trying to figure out what they want to do. Even now, we have a lot of BS's who want R, but don't want to deal with everyone looking down on them. Sad.
I think everyone who at least tries to R should be given credit and shown respect for trying, and if certain other posters look down on them, so be it. Each case is different and only the BS and the WS know the true "facts of the case". I would have thought that I would be one who would be right out the door if I found out my W had cheated on me, but guess what? About five months ago my wife of over 20 years confessed to me that she had a one night stand on a two day, one night trip to another state three months after we married. We have had a good marriage for all of these years and are truly in love with each other, so the question becomes "do I throw away 20+ good years with her for a long-ago ONS?" In my case, the answer is "no", and we are both working hard at R.
Unless I recollect it wrong, you tried to R first until she broke the NC. No?
Yep, that was me. But it wan't that she broke NC, she never really tried, until I had decided to divorce. I was swayed from my natural inclinations by a lot of posters, here on TAM, plus my wife and her family. Now I realize that I shouldn't have bothered. Some people will only be honest as a last resort, and she was one of them.
OK maybe not to plainly R, thinking of your "Why should I" thread. But at least it wasn't off the table.
Not that I doubt your resolve or decision here, more like pointing out that even those who follow through can have their doubts.
When making such a decision as whether to R or D, of course you are going to have doubts. You wouldn't be human if you did not. BTW the poster to whom Somedaydig is refering, in his back -handed way, is me. But he never mentioned the rest of my post. I said that I hoped that his R was unsuccessful unlees there was self-improvement. Because without self-improvement by BOTH the BS and WS, the R is a false one. I am perfectly willing to own my words.
lalsr,
... After being dragged through the pit of betrayal like infidelity, the survivors that do R come out the other side changed. You never really get over it. It just dulls and the present replaces the past. But you never forget. You know without question there will be no more 2nd chances.
I hope to never need to find out how I will react to this. I can seriously say that I am a forgiving person, but I would expect that I would be physically repulsed initially, but if there were guilt and remorse I might be inclined to give R a try. I know how damn hard it is to find someone to love, and know that everyone makes mistakes. My wife DID cheat on her first husband once, felt bad enough to immediately divorce him, and married the guy she cheated with. This guy subsequently was a serial cheater, and she, unbelievably, allowed him back into her life after divorcing him before we met. She said she was not "husband material." I had some trepidation, but I do believe that people can change. I do have to force myself to "blur" my thoughts, and I have become extremely sensitive to any hint of contact with her ex.
(We are both in our late 50s and divorced, so it comes as no surprise to me that there might be some baggage. I can't expect to find someone who has been completely squeaky clean if I want to be able to find someone to spend the rest of my life with.).
In recent years, as I was going through the end of my own decaying marriage with my ex, I met people who have had very complex lives where they have been cheated on or have cheated. I never broke my vows with my ex, though I was extremely tempted. I can't really fathom the logic that allows people to continue with partners after an infidelity is discovered, but I know that many manage to remain friends or occasional lovers over time, and even manage to befriend the OW/OM. Maybe I'm puzzled because I have NO desire whatsoever to befriend my ex, but we parted due to years of verbal abuse I suffered from her. My own father cheated on my mother, they nearly divorced, but they have remained together for more than 60 years. I remained faithful to my ex of 30 years, but was not monogamous while I was dating, and dated people I know were not faithful.
I suspect I'd give no second chance. I had no idea how frequent infidelity occurred, but that doesn't, to me, justify continuing to cheat after coming clean and seeing the hurt it caused.
Things aren't perfect, but it's a lot better than what it was. Because before there was a lot of rug sweeping and placating and trying to win back the WS and how the WS wouldn't have cheated if you had been more.....etc.
My wife's oldest friend cheated on her husband, left him, married the other guy, lived with him for years then left him and moved back with the first ex. I doubt they will stay together let alone get remarried but I think it's a comfort. The comfort of two people who know how it all fits together now. It's familiar.
Thank you. This explains why people might get back together. It helps me understand WHY it bothers me so much that my wife remains Facebook friends with an ex (with very little direct interaction, none initiated by her.). The fact that they know how it "all fits together" and that it's all "familiar" REALLY underscores why I feel uncomfortable with any contact -- especially given the manner in which they got together (through an affair) and how they split up (by his serial cheating). sigh. I decided long ago to give her the benefit of the doubt, life is too short to waste on hypothesizing, but I realize I might have a very hard time giving a second chance. We've had over three very happy years.
When making such a decision as whether to R or D, of course you are going to have doubts. You wouldn't be human if you did not. BTW the poster to whom Somedaydig is refering, in his back -handed way, is me. But he never mentioned the rest of my post. I said that I hoped that his R was unsuccessful unlees there was self-improvement. Because without self-improvement by BOTH the BS and WS, the R is a false one. I am perfectly willing to own my words.
Here is the original post, BB. Unfortunately, you were less supportive originally, but we appreciate your input and clarification.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Badblood
BTW, even though I respect both you and Regret and the work you are doing, I DO NOT hope you can reconcile. What I DO hope is that BOTH of you can learn to live happy, guilt-free, loving lives, whether it is together or separate. I feel that in many (even most) cases, R is not going to ever be complete, even with all of the goodwill in the world. Real life isn't like Disney, some bad things happen and can never be recovered from. I think that most posters truly want to hear stories with happy endings, BS'S and WS's and OP's included, but seldom does it ever happen.
We have worked through, and continue to work through a lot of issues. What you fail to see is how STRONG of person he is and how he never let me off the hook. In addition, my own will to make amends and reconcile with full remorse. There is no waste, and he would agree.
We have worked through, and continue to work through a lot of issues. What you fail to see is how STRONG of person he is and how he never let me off the hook. In addition, my own will to make amends and reconcile with full remorse. There is no waste, and he would agree.
I agree. Doing R is not for the weak at all,on both sides.Takes a incredible amount of strenght. Posted via Mobile Device
I agree. Doing R is not for the weak at all,on both sides.Takes a incredible amount of strenght. Posted via Mobile Device
I actually break down my stages of R. Sounds weird but roll with me on this for a sec.
Attempting R: the time I took to heal from just the affair
Reconciliation: the time after Attempting R where we move past the affair and work on both of our sides of the marriage.
Reconciled: Once we have recommitted to one another, accepting the past as the past, learning from it, and still making the choice to remain together. All this while still enforcing boundaries and behaviors that need to be present in any relationship that is successful.
231Likes
Re: I don't get reconciliation... 
I think I know where all the BW's are LMAO.Then he politely told me not to R if I wasn't going to up the amount of sex we were having, because my H wasn't satisfied. Never saw the part where I said my H with held sex and affection for YEARS. But there are definitely some on the board who will judge anyone who R's just because they can. Which I also think is a huge blow to someone who is still trying to figure out what they want to do. Even now, we have a lot of BS's who want R, but don't want to deal with everyone looking down on them. Sad.
