Hi. First time post for me. Looking for guidance, help, support. I am posting secretly from work. I am sick from heartbreak.
My partner of nearly 2 years talks very frequently on the phone to his ex. This all came to light when he was acting suspiciously a few months ago and I found he was accessing a lot of porn whilst I was at work. He is a student and stays home a lot. Of course my curiosity was piqued, and thus I turned into an obsessive freak searching everything.
Thing is I never thought he was like this, but when I peeked at his phone in my insecurity I saw that he called same number a lot. Turned out to be ex from a few years back. WTF???
She is in a different city thank goodness, but still I feel betrayed. Deeply.
This he has kept secret. All their calls! I've witnessed him hiding in the garage to ring her - or return her call as he put it when called on it.
I'm a putz. I feel my head is filled with 2 people who do not deserve to occupy my brain space.
What the hell, Emotional Affair is certainly destroying what I considered to be the man for me. BTW we are both over 50! Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Partner and ex carrying on in secret. I'm a putz!
Btw I found his thumb drive of porn. This way it doesn't show when he 'secretly browses'. I'm a total putz! So angry. I have sent texts to 'ex' (they split in 2004 apparently) to lay off. She's got him over a barrel and he's loving it. Ugh. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Partner and ex carrying on in secret. I'm a putz!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Putzy
Hi. First time post for me. Looking for guidance, help, support. I am posting secretly from work. I am sick from heartbreak.
My partner of nearly 2 years talks very frequently on the phone to his ex. This all came to light when he was acting suspiciously a few months ago and I found he was accessing a lot of porn whilst I was at work. He is a student and stays home a lot. Of course my curiosity was piqued, and thus I turned into an obsessive freak searching everything.
Thing is I never thought he was like this, but when I peeked at his phone in my insecurity I saw that he called same number a lot. Turned out to be ex from a few years back. WTF???
She is in a different city thank goodness, but still I feel betrayed. Deeply.
This he has kept secret. All their calls! I've witnessed him hiding in the garage to ring her - or return her call as he put it when called on it.
I'm a putz. I feel my head is filled with 2 people who do not deserve to occupy my brain space.
What the hell, Emotional Affair is certainly destroying what I considered to be the man for me. BTW we are both over 50! Posted via Mobile Device
The problem here is he cannot commit to you and only you. He is giving you only a share of himself and laying the rest with his ex. Ultimatum: No contact between H and Ex, its either you or her or you're gone at the first failure. If you are 50+ you do not have time for games, move on and you're bound to easily find someone else 50+ who is willing to commit and dedicate himself 100% TO YOU, work for you, provide for you, defend you, respect you, love you.
Re: Partner and ex carrying on in secret. I'm a putz!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Putzy
Btw I found his thumb drive of porn. This way it doesn't show when he 'secretly browses'. I'm a total putz! So angry. I have sent texts to 'ex' (they split in 2004 apparently) to lay off. She's got him over a barrel and he's loving it. Ugh. Posted via Mobile Device
This porn affects mental clarity, it affects the primitive part of our brain with dopamine that all we want is just to rush that dopamine to activate the reward circuitry of the brain. Once a person becomes addicted to dopamine in that overloading manner the body creates more recepters and actually changes the way it functions (a person thinks, judges, decides, actions). An affair, is dopamine at a high level, its a NOVELTY, dopamine loves new things. Its been studied with rats, a rat will reach climax in 2 minutes with new female rats, but if it keeps the same one it gets bored. He sounds like a rat....
Re: Partner and ex carrying on in secret. I'm a putz!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Putzy
Thank you CJS I prepared my post y'day whilst at work. Now I'm in bed on mobile. This is exactly what I need to hear. Posted via Mobile Device
Most WS need a reality check, if you browse the forums you will see that when the spouse lays down the iron fisted martial law, with actions not words, the other spouse tends to wake up, and they need full transparency to receive help from the spouse to avoid this addiction, it needs to be killed COLD TURKEY because it really is an addiction. These affairs fog the mind, they move their hearts from their spouse and onto exciting new partners while still having that content at home. Cake eaters...if they do not want to change, then you change, leave them.
Re: Partner and ex carrying on in secret. I'm a putz!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Putzy
Yes. He is a very loveable rat however. How to get over this betrayal. I'm sick from jealousy and anger. Posted via Mobile Device
Most BS ride the EMO roller coaster. One day angry and want a D, next day be sad, cry and want R. Let it sink in, focus, relax, and make a decision, if you still want this person and the marriage, then you need to fight, it may all be futile if the other spouse relentlessly burrows deeper into hiding with your affair. Next thing you realize is that you are retiring and he has not changed, or only realize that he deceived you to think he was completely faithful. Its really tough, but if you try to make a little time line in your head with the options you have to choose for the moment, you may have to follow your gut, think with your mind, not with your "heart"/emotions.
Re: Partner and ex carrying on in secret. I'm a putz!
I've requested print outs of all phone bills since we met Oct 2010. Waiting for this info so I can call the rat on his deception. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Partner and ex carrying on in secret. I'm a putz!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Putzy
I've requested print outs of all phone bills since we met Oct 2010. Waiting for this info so I can call the rat on his deception. Posted via Mobile Device
Well, it depends on how much evidence you want. I would personally buy a few VAR's (voice activated recorders) set one in the house in a couple rooms, one in his car, in the garage. Set a key logger on his computer and you can get passwords to his emails, FB, dating sites etc. It logs every keystroke, if you aren't too computer savvy, then you can always buy a "usb" type keylogger that connects between the keyboard usb and the computer if he has a desktop (impossible to pull off with a laptop).
I've read threads on here of the BS actually putting video cameras, hidden in basement, etc and SHOWING the WS. I believe they still D, but either way, you decide how much evidence you need to make a decision. I suggest you read on BFFs thread. Its really recent and the title of his thread is something like "wife having EA affair with best friend".
Re: Partner and ex carrying on in secret. I'm a putz!
BTW as the BS I'm accused of over reacting of course. In retrospect I will get through this as I have coped with D, loss of a 14yr marriage, kids living w their dad ft. Me taking on a 640k$ mortgage etc, bullying in the workplace, type 1 diabetic on an insulin pump. I am tough as nails.
He however has shown his weaknesses. I forgive but it has to be cold turkey. Or no cake, not from me ever. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Partner and ex carrying on in secret. I'm a putz!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Putzy
BTW as the BS I'm accused of over reacting of course. In retrospect I will get through this as I have coped with D, loss of a 14yr marriage, kids living w their dad ft. Me taking on a 640k$ mortgage etc, bullying in the workplace, type 1 diabetic on an insulin pump. I am tough as nails.
He however has shown his weaknesses. I forgive but it has to be cold turkey. Or no cake, not from me ever. Posted via Mobile Device
WS are usually always guilty of trickle truth, minimizing, justifying, blame shifting and ridiculous excuses for everything. They all follow a script that is really close.
Edit: Check out this website so you can see how serious some of these cake eaters are when they go about their cake eating business http://************/forum/
Re: Partner and ex carrying on in secret. I'm a putz!
Well it just gets worse. He's a sham. A fraud. I'm humiliated. The ex he talks to is multiple times a week. But he deletes evidence. What can I put on his android to reveal the 'truth'?
He hasn't provided phone bills but I realise I don't want to know. I am hurt enough. I do want to know if he breaks trust again. Key logger on comp. it's the phone that's the issue. Posted via Mobile Device
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Partner and ex carrying on in secret. I'm a putz! 
