Okay at this point you should be telling his wife, your parents, her parents, your friends and her friends. Call anyone you know at her work and tell them what is going on and if they could keep and eye out on her for you. The next time she is someplace she is not supposed to be. You know about it show up. I am certain this A is a PA given the amount of time and the sheer amount of effort she is putting in to hide it. If it hasn't gone PA yet they are obviously trying to figure a way to do it.
My friend you are at a crossroads. You should lawyer up and tell her that if she can't deal with not contacting the OM then it is over. By not drawing a line in the sand and escalating to match her you are giving her the green light to continue the A.
So have her served (even if you don't plan on it) and then work on your self I suggest NMMNG and if you haven't already start doing the 180 now.
You need to prepare to fight for your happiness. Remember all is fair in love and ware. Well my friend you are but to your eye balls in both. Stop being the nice husband and start being the guy that isn't going to take this crap for her anymore.
__________________ evidence gathering thread the lie and the truth
There is nothing noble in being superior to your Fellow man. True nobility is being superior to your former self.
--Ernest Hemingway--
Yes, it's gone physical. Look people in affairs find many places fir quickies. They don't need a nice bed and romance, they just need a stairwell, bathroom, closed office door, car, booth, etc.
I now believe it went PA on the trip. Them arranging to meet up as you say since the trip is them gving in to the rush and going for it again.
You need to see what you are really dealing with and face it. She is in an EA/PA and if you respond softly your marriage is over.
Exposure is your most effective tool right now- especially to his wife and your wife's parents.
Full and Permanent NC is the only option.
She may have to take a break from the program...yes this is that serious.
she saw him after work one evening at her office when she was supposed to be giving a presentation at a meeting that cancelled and she did not tell me.
Here's at least one time that you know of that they could easily have had sex. Please stop fooling yourself. She would never be this openly cruel to you for some friendly chatting. And he would not waste his time, either, for anything less.
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I have not told her parents, they will be very upset to learn about it (their older daughter's first marriage ended much the same way around the time my wife and I got married). I have a very solid relationship with them and I think they would react by pushing her to break it off with him.
Then what are you waiting for?
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Again, full NC is probably not possible unless he withdraws from the program, which is unlikely. I would not go to HR at her company -- that's out of the question, but I might tell her boss about it.
Then what are you waiting for?
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I should also add that she has cut me off completely from all affection and contact. She claims she simply wants no sex or affection at all, but I imagine that I have somehow become the other man now and she does not want to cheat on him.
Dead right--this is something that you see all the time--the cheater's "loyalty" to the AP and the marginalization of the loyal spouse. She is building you up more and more as the villain in her mind, re-writing marital history--yes, you could have done things differently, but she is talking smack about you with this man. All of this allows her to mentally justify what she is doing.
I will be perfectly honest with you--she is infatuated with this man. She thinks she's "in love" with him. She is planning a future with him. She still needs you as a babysitter, housekeeper, and for finances for anything she can't otherwise afford. You hold down the fort while she plans for after the MBA. She is disrespecting you just enough so that she puts you in your place, but at the same time, so you won't stop enabling her fun.
Again, full NC is probably not possible unless he withdraws from the program, which is unlikely. I would not go to HR at her company -- that's out of the question, but I might tell her boss about it.
With BOTH her parents AND her boss--don't forget about the domestic battery charge and the 3 little kids. This guy is a pr*ck and you need to start laying the foundation now for keeping him far away from your children, especially your autistic daughter. (If I didn't know better, I'd guess he was the twin brother to wrsteele1's OM.)
Like everyone has said you need to blow this up ASAP because its heading to a PA if it hadn’t got there already. This is just going to continue to progress as she resists you more and more (like a rebellious teenager) .
The thing is she has to want to end the A for it to actually end, telling her to end it and forcing NC really isn’t going to work, she’s just going to get more sneaky. If she doesn’t want it to end then it isn’t going to end regardless of what you tell her and no amount of IC/MC is going to change her mind.
Shock and awe works better than anything.
Expose to the OMW immediately! 90% of the time the OM will throw the WS under the bus and start working on his own M, even if the OMW tries to kick him to the curb. This should throw a monkey wrench into the A. If the unlikely event (very rare) the OM leaves and your W runs off to him then she is a POS that you need to D ASAP.
You should NOT put up with this behavior and let her know you are this close to throwing her out and hard pressed to find reasons to stay married to her. Turn the tables to your favor and take control. It’s up to YOU if you stay married, not her. Do not let her control the situation, she’s having an A and she should be lucky you even speak to her. That type of attitude will be your saving grace.
So revealing to those who are not just voyeuristic, but really there to support and help is all good, however I think she is already gone (by your description).
One thing you probably should do (although I realize you are strapped for cash) is to contact a lawyer. The bigger issue: say nine months from now she leaves you and OM leaves his wife and they live together. Do you want your children living in that household given the OM history of domestic violence?
Your WW needs to be jolted into your ability to take action on behalf of your children. You may not have played the role of dad in the past (by your own admission), now is the time to step up to the plate and be dad and protector or the innocent. Don't just let things happen... it seems that you let that happen already. Do something on behalf of the children.
__________________ I ka 'olelo no ke ola, i ka 'olelo no ka make.
Loosely translated: The saying tells the Hawaiians that words can either be a source for healing or destroying and so we need to be careful with our words
The bigger issue: say nine months from now she leaves you and OM leaves his wife and they live together. Do you want your children living in that household given the OM history of domestic violence?
This is like a slow-moving train wreck, so horrible. The autistic daughter is going to live with the wife--she is going to get primary custody and will live with her the vast majority of the time, I'm sure. And this guy loses patience with people, presumably his wife and/or children, who don't have communication issues. Breaks your heart.
This is like a slow-moving train wreck, so horrible. The autistic daughter is going to live with the wife--she is going to get primary custody and will live with her the vast majority of the time, I'm sure. And this guy loses patience with people, presumably his wife and/or children, who don't have communication issues. Breaks your heart.
I couldn't agree more. The OM has no idea... I have an autistic son and let me tell you, you learn to have good sense of humor and a great deal of patience or you act out in the worst way. The OM's history does not speak well for what could happen.
I really hope that the OP acts NOW to ensure the security of the children.
__________________ I ka 'olelo no ke ola, i ka 'olelo no ka make.
Loosely translated: The saying tells the Hawaiians that words can either be a source for healing or destroying and so we need to be careful with our words
I couldn't agree more. The OM has no idea... I have an autistic son and let me tell you, you learn to have good sense of humor and a great deal of patience or you act out in the worst way. The OM's history does not speak well for what could happen.
I really hope that the OP acts NOW to ensure the security of the children.
I've been reading Steven Pinker's How the Mind Works, and the stuff he discusses about natural instincts with respect to stepchildren will make you nauseous. I realize there are many loving stepparents in this world--I am not knocking them, they have a challenging and thankless existence. But if someone has abuse issues with their biological kin / spouse, that is someone who'd better stay far away from my family, if they know what's good for them.
Badams, what do you think is going to happen nine months from now when she has her newly minted MBA?
That's right, she's going to leave you faster than butter melting in the hot Texas sun.
You need to go global thermo-nuclear on both their azzes. Expose far and wide to anyone that can influence this ungodly alliance (and I'm an agnostic.) Do you really want this loser around your kids?
he has an arrest for domestic battery in March of this year
Lovely... A cheating wife beater. If you do go for a D your wife is in for a painful awakening. Personally i can't really say that i pity her that much.
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Re: Wife having EA -- do I reveal? 
