Please don't pull the people are attacking me, I just want to talk card. The reality is. You have for 4 years cheated on your wife and children in a heinous selfish way. You cannot expect support or kindness for choosing to do that. It's not some abstract idea, it is a explicit choice you made to trade your children's family and yor wife's soul for your having sex with this married woman.
It's neither magic nor uncontrolled circumstance that cause you yo choose to cheat, it is 100% you choosing to go there. Just like the guy who steals money from his job, you chose to steal hope, love, and trust from your wife and children.
You know what, there a literally thousands of woman you could be having this romance with. It's selfdelusion and ignorance to think the
OW is your one true soul mate. No such thing. She's just a female you respond to. So is your wife, the difference is you made a vow to your wife, you fathered kids with her, and you had sex with the OW.
By turning your back on your wife and children you are breaking your vow. If you where an honorable man that would stop you right there.
Ok, do you do not honor your vows, that is who you are. Someone who chooses to sell their children's future for your own pleasure. Ok, got it, that's what we are working with here.
Since you are not interested in being the father who can teach them wrong fom right, you can at least tell your wife what she is married to and give her very very favorable terms in the divorce. This will enable her to both raise the children in a good environment and seek out a good partner to be with for her. The last four years may have been a complete deception upon her, but she still has the rest of her life to live once she get over the time wasted in this current marriage.
OR
You could dump OW, be a god person and honor your vows and children and do the right and honest thing.
It quite honestly is that simple.
The reason why you don't do the right thing is because you choose not to. But be clear it is a deeply selfish choice.
Yes I'm trying to guilt:shock you into doing the right thing, because it us the right thing. Rational and honorable people choose the right thing even if it isn't the selfish thing that makes them feel good.
If we only though about feeling good we woud all be coke or OxyContin addicts.
If you decide to stay with your wife and do not tell her about the affair she will never know how totally broken her marriage is. She will never have a chance to realilze this and work to fix it, to make it a passionate marriage... a new marriage. So you would be just letting her go on as she is, thinking all is ok. And you will hold it against her forever for your less than perfect marriage.
I don't think option 3 (breakiing up with OW and coming clean with the wife) is the best choice for anyone. It seems to me it's either come clean (and leave) or completely stop (and stay).
Because that would require you taking responsibility without having someone there to nurse your wounds when the fallout comes. That is the best choice for your wife, OP. She deserves to know the truth, and if she should decide to try to R with you, she deserves to sit in with a marriage counselor having the WHOLE truth of her marriage, not just what you think SHE needs to do to make it better for YOU.
Why did your attempt to cut contact fail with the OW the other times? Because you two had no reason to stop. Your SO's weren't hurting and checking. So you just kept going.
I personally find it very unlikely that my wife could reach the intimate connection I've discovered with the OW. No doubt things could get way better than they are now, but nowhere near the same. In terms of THIS aspect, your heart definitely tells you the truth.
I think the problem with post-affair marriages is the turmoil from the aftermath of the breakup. Like another poster stated... 10% chance of lasting 3 years. And another 10% chance beyond that. That's like... a 1% chance of success (although, in reality it's probably 3%-5%).
I am actually very confident in the closeness & intimacy part that I feel with the OW. That's all good. I am more nervous about the turmoil & aftermath taking its toll. Assuming the other (injured parties) successfully move on, there's still the terrible toll of the aftermath. My problems become hers. Her problems become mine. And the aftermath problems become BOTH of ours (that was a GREAT post EmptyInside), and so true.
It's because of all the external crap that I fear the relationship would fail. Regardless, you guys make it sound so easy to simply let a person you are so deeply in love with go. It's not uncommon for anyone who feels so desperately in love to try to do whatever it takes to be with that person. So even if you actually think staying with the wife is the right choice, I guess you just choose to "ignore" your feelings and hope they go away over time?
Well, I've also heard numerous stories of people that chose that path and years & decades later... still feeling some regret they didn't take the chance on "the one that got away", and how they still sometimes think of them and miss them. Obviously not to the level & extreme when it's in-your-face like I'm experiencing today (I'm sure that fades over time).
I don't argue that it makes sense to try to work things out with the wife. In NORMAL circumstances, people marry each other because they have felt a lot of passion for each other and chose the person that was best-suited for them. I was young & naive and feel I settled by choosing a person that was "best-suited" but one that we both did not necessarily feel immense mutual passion for. Knowing this, does that make a difference?
This must be my night to quote great storytellers. I'm thinking this one better describes your situation. It was written over 2500 years ago by a Greek slave named Aesop:
The Dog and His Reflection
A Dog, to whom the butcher had thrown a bone, was hurrying home with his prize as fast as he could go. As he crossed a narrow footbridge, he happened to look down and saw himself reflected in the quiet water as if in a mirror. But the greedy Dog thought he saw a real Dog carrying a bone much bigger than his own.
If he had stopped to think he would have known better. But instead of thinking, he dropped his bone and sprang at the Dog in the river, only to find himself swimming for dear life to reach the shore. At last he managed to scramble out, and as he stood sadly thinking about the good bone he had lost, he realized what a stupid Dog he had been.
Why don't you read alittle about the success of affair partners who leave their marriages to be together. They all thought they had found their soulmates as well. It seems none of us can save you from yourself. Well, have at it. Please divorce your wife and move on to a state of bliss with the OW. Certainly your wife will be better off and reality may set in for you and you'll grow up.
You know what, you had no problem first loving your wife and family and then ditching them for the OW, it really shouldn't be that hard to ditch the OW for your family.
Which would you save from a fire, your kids or the OW? If you said kids, then why are you dumping them in fire now?
Come on, are you really going to ditch your kids so you can get sex from the OW?
Richard, you think and over-analyze too damn much.
Of course, there's going to be fallout from your infidelity. Your wife might just take you to the cleaners. You and the OW could end up living in a double wide in Fontucky, CA. But this is the price you could pay for your deception.
You remind me of people who have great ideas and are afraid to take a chance on implementing them (only to see others succeed with the same ideas.)
Do something already! Go and be blissfully happy with the OW or tell your wife and hope she doesn't divorce you. I'm not a religious man, but I remember somewhere in the New Testament where Jesus says that he'd prefer for you to be hot or cold about him and not lukewarm because he will spit you out. YOU ARE BEING LUKEWARM (AND COWARDLY.)
As I said before, this relationship was not just a sex with a "co-worker fling". We both built a very intense emotional relationship from it. Yes, it was inappropriate. No relationship should have happened this way. But it did.
If it was "just sex", it would have been easy to stop the affair. If we felt just "casual love" toward each other it would have been relatively easy to stop the affair. But what do you do if you BOTH are not only deeply in love but mutually feel the other person is the love of your life?? When it comes to just walking away, easier said than done.
My wife does know the marriage was in serious trouble (just not to the extent). I moved out of the house a couple years ago (but moved back home). I've also expressed several times areas where I am unhappy. Like clockwork, things temporarily improve only to revert back to the norm. I'm not going into all the problems I resent my wife for, but I will say she has made some strides in improving things this past year.
Yes, DawnD, you are correct. The sig. other was not hurting & checking up on us which allowed us a "window" to continue our relationship. The main reason why it continued is that neither of us really wanted our relationship to stop. Even when we tried a few times before, we really didn't "want" to (we just gave it a try because we felt we "had" to).
The difference between then and now is that I can no longer live this way in limbo. It's taken a toll on my emotional and physical health. I've had anxiety attacks. I got so depressed I didn't want to climb out of bed. It's awful. There's a lot of guilt I feel from "****ting" on my family. But at the same token staying in the family feels like a lie when all I want is to be with someone else.
The reason why I came to this board is that I am now (finally) ready... after 4 years to **** (or get off the pot). I appreciate all of the advice (even the negative ones). But I know for certain I am ready to live an honest faithful life one way or another. I cannot live in limbo anymore, and I am done even if it means losing my wife & kids or if it means losing the person I currently love the most.
Richard, go back & read all of your posts. With open eyes. You are seeking permission to leave your family for the OW. You continually say that you will not have the same passion that you have with your wife that you have with the OW. You claim that the ONLY reason a long term relationship with the OW would fail is due to external (ie family) pressures.
Please be honest with yourself, in your mind, is your marriage over?
Sheesh, just divorce your wife and ride off into the sunset with your GF already.
There's no magical path that will minimize the amount of pain dealt to all parties, no secret solution that will create a victim-less exit plan for you. It's gonna be a sh!t sandwich either way, so freakin' man up one way or the other. All parties involved are already incredibly unhappy, so why not finalize everything so that at least all parties can begin the healing process.
My wife does know the marriage was in serious trouble (just not to the extent). I moved out of the house a couple years ago (but moved back home). I've also expressed several times areas where I am unhappy. Like clockwork, things temporarily improve only to revert back to the norm.
So may I ask, why in the world do you think you are even coming close to meeting your WIFE'S needs? Have you even stopped to think about that? About the fact that she doesn't have that passion with you because you aren't doing what SHE needs?
I have a love/hate relationship with this part I am going to say. It can amaze me that someone who is cheating can completely forget about the fact that they are in fact neglecting their spouse. They then use the fact their spouse isn't meeting their needs as a reason to cheat. YOU ARE NOT MEETING HER NEEDS EITHER.
If you are ready to do the honorable right thing why do you keep debating with us and making excuses?
Do you thing Mac Garthur debated and made excuses when he has to win a battle? Nope, he did the right and honorable thing which made him a great man.
It all comes down to choice. If it was easy anyone could do it and hold their head high knowing they were a good person.
Being good isn't always the easy personally rewarding path. More often it is outpr love for others that rewards us as we make the right choices to help them.
You have kids who will judge you later in life on what you do now. How do you choose to be seen by them?
Everyone else: Coming clean vs. Not (if I choose to stay and try to work things out). Everything I have read tells me that NOTHING is the same after an affair is discovered. I personally think the odds of reconciling after such a revelation would be far less than things working out with the OW. The emotional hurt would be devastating. And while I agree she should have the "right to know", I honestly don't think it would be in either party's interest to do that.
I know that isn't the "morally correct" path to take, but if the other relationship completely ends attempts can still be made to try to improve things at home. If a nuclear bomb was heading your way and your home (with wife & kids) were at ground zero... and you knew exactly when the bomb was coming would you share the news on the time or allow them some blissful ignorance?
I actually feel the only 2 choices I have are to come clean with the wife and file for divorce. Or, cut the relationship clean with the OW (even though trying to cut it clean failed a few times before). It's not about "me" (or "us") anymore at that point, but remaining firmly planted on that stance for the sake of the family. I would live the rest of my life with a guilty secret that can never get off my chest, but my wife's feelings would be spared.
I don't think option 3 (breakiing up with OW and coming clean with the wife) is the best choice for anyone. It seems to me it's either come clean (and leave) or completely stop (and stay).
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Re: Seeking Honest Advice for a Soul in a Pickle 
