EI

I stopped reading after post #23 above, so if the situation has changed then please disregard my comments. I saw so much of myself in you and your story that reading your post made me sick. I don't know how to sugarcoat this. You are so far in the fog that you don't know which end is up. You weren't trying to justify the affair??? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..... keep telling yourself that, because we both know that it exactly what you were trying to do. I can't honestly believe that I don't feel a certain level of compassion and understanding for you because the same Bull $hit that you tried to pass off to this very "infidelity-wise" group of people, here, came out of my mouth/keyboard just 2 months ago. I posted a link below. Just read my first two or three posts. That's all you'll need to get the gist of the situation.

If you had one drop of the integrity that you claim to have then you would tell your wife the truth and give her an opportunity to decide if she even wants to reconcile the marriage with you. I know what you're thinking.... you're thinking, "Huh, I don't know if I even want to reconcile the marriage.... after all, I've found my soul mate." Fine, then, give your wife a divorce and go be with your soul mate. Of course go in with the knowledge that you and your soul mate are both cheaters. BTW, I know you think that your kids will understand because they love you and they will just want for you to be happy, right? WRONG!!! My grown daughter cried and cried for days, she was devastated, disappointed and felt as though I had betrayed her as well as her father. My 22 y/o old son, who had never in his entire life had one cross word with me didn't speak to me for days and then he moved out. My 19 y/o son yelled, screamed, cursed and cried.... asked me many of the same questions that his father, my husband, had asked. He said that I had betrayed our whole family and he asked me if, while he was having a very serious surgery last year, I was thinking about the OM. The truth is, I was texting the OM in the waiting room while my son was having surgery. This same son wanted to go confront the OM.... my husband and I managed to calm him down and make him understand that no good could come from that. Can you imagine how much more guilt I would be living with now if my son had confronted the OM and something had gone terribly wrong? It makes me sick just thinking about this.

You say that you and the OW are "in love." Well, that fabulous.... you do understand that your problems will become her problems and her problems will become your problems, and all of the carnage (i.e., family) that you've left behind will become both of your problems. Maybe your affair is the one in a million that is different.... special..... Oh, heck yeah. I know, mine was, too! Then go, be with her.... but don't expect your wife to play the part of the understanding ex-wife and be your new best friend. It won't happen that way. I know you think it will. These are your own words: "unfortunately i cannot say anything severely negative about my wife that she did that could warrant a divorce or me cheating on her. even though i expressed (several times) throughout the years disappointments and shortcomings that i would like to see improved it continuously goes in 1 ear and out the other (i guess that's my fault too for picking a wife that doesn't care enough about my feelings to improve things)"

These were mine: "My husband is a good man, a good provider, and a good father, but he gave me very little emotional and physical intimacy throughout most of our marriage and none in the last several years...... I tried very hard to make him understand that I was dying inside from the loneliness, isolation and emptiness. I told him that I could no longer live this way and, still, he made no changes."

I looked through my first post and I could practically match my comments to yours 1:1.

How Much Detail?

So, two months after my first post here and my husband and I are in the process of reconciling. Very long story..... just read the last few posts of the link to his thread. What a difference 2 months makes. I was angry, bitter, resentful, defiant, I felt entitled to be happy at whatever the cost, because, like you, I was a good person, with lots of integrity. Why, I had even led such a sacrificial life up to that point, that surely no one would begrudge me the right to be truly happy, right?...... I hope you see the sarcasm that I am directing at myself.

At this point I know that you are not receptive to what I'm saying. I know you think you're different. I don't think you are.

It's never too late to start doing the right thing.... you can regain your integrity and your self-respect and be the husband and father that you committed yourself to be or divorce your wife and be with your AP, of course, she has to rip her family apart first, too. And, whether you are married to your wife or not you are still obligated to provide for your children who you say are still young. What you can't do is have it all. You can't have your clueless, trusting wife who is home taking care of your family, while you're out spending time, money, energy and affection on your girlfriend (who your children will most likely despise) and your self-respect. Grow a set, get off of the fence and act like a real man.

BTW, my husband and I are in IC and MC and we are happier, stronger, wiser, healthier and more in love than we have ever been in our lives. It hasn't been easy, nor do I expect it will be any time in the foreseeable future. But, I can say I've never been happier or felt more loved in my entire life.


Wife's affair, how to move forward?

RichardCollier

CountOfMonteCristo... those are some great lyrics, man! They pretty much speak my position perfectly.

ing

Oh.. one more thing before I leave this thread for a while..

The reason you are feeling is amazing is because YOUR WIFE is emotionally and physically financing your affair. She just doesn't know it yet.

KanDo

NOT

Just wanted to add this because you seem so dense, you might have misunderstood the sarcasm.

happyman64

Richard

If you spend some time here you will hear from WS's like yourself.

But they are in the minority.

HM64

RWB

Poor Richard...

I have hitched a pair of Pink Unicorns up out back. Why don't you and Miss Missy "Get Me" just ride off into Never Never Land.

Seriously Dude, GROW UP!

If you really knew anything about being a Man, you would understand Life is not about me me me. Quit stealing, yes that's what your are doing, from your wife and children.

God, I really hope you are just a bored 23 year old, single, bored, message board Troll out for a ride.

Count of Monte Cristo

Richard, if you're the rational thinker that you profess to be then you should know that you're only going to get ONE side in a forum called 'Coping With Infidelity'.

In order for you to get the OTHER side that would give you validation you need to also visit one of the various cheater-oriented sites.

alte Dame

Feeling that you're in love with someone else (indeed that you've found your true soulmate) when you're committed to someone else is not a new story. We all know that. How you handle your feelings when you think this is happening is what will distinguish you as a human being. Cheating for years & leaving your wife in the dark at the very least isn't fair to her. This isn't just your decision to make. Imo your wife has every right to have an informed say in it. Whether you divorce or try to make your marriage work has to be her choice as much as yours & in order for her to make this choice, she has to know the truth. It seems inevitable to me that she will probably opt for divorce when you tell her how you feel and what you've done (maybe not..). But she appears to have been a committed spouse throughout your marriage & should be afforded the opportunity to make such an important decision for herself.

happyman64

And Richard,

You could have had that bouquet with your wife too! But not when you give one rose to your wife and the other 11 to the other woman.

Love does not work that way my man.

It is a shame instead of asking us for advice you cannot ask your wife?

If you guys have been friends for so long I just do not see how you cannot have this conversation with her.

It will be painful but at least you can be honest for a change.

And either outcome is going to cause pain. Pain for you, pain for your wife and pain for your children.

EI

Yes, he will..... but he might be surprised at what some of them have to say!

EleGirl

You are wrong if you think that everyone here (or even most) against divorce regardless of the situation. I have been divorced. Others here are as well. People who come here are often told by members that divorce is probably their only option. This is usually in cases of physical and emotional abuse and other very bad situations.

People who are advising you to work on you marriage are not doing it out of care for you, not judgment. It’s not out of religious conviction either r(except maybe one or two cases). We are telling you this because we know that you have a much better chance of repairing your marriage than having this affair turn into something good and permanent after divorce.

As I mentioned before, statistically only 3% of affairs turn into anything permanent. They die pretty quick deaths after the marriages end. Are you a gambler?

__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters

RichardCollier

EmptyInside.... HOLY **** girl. Your post scared the crap out of me! In more ways than one!!!! First of all... your screenname is *EXACTLY* the way I feel. Totally empty inside. Like a zombie "walking living dead" going through the motions at home while feeling completely alive with the O.W.

I am an analysis-paralysis laiden thinkier. I think, and overthink, and triple overthink before making a move. But once I make a move I'm always confident and set with the decision.

For some reason, this relationship with the OW has been very flip-floppish. I file papers to divorce/separate with my wife. I can't go through. I move out of the house a year later. I can't go through and move back home. Keep in mind, my wife has no idea there is another party involved (but maybe deep down she does).

You can see the very mean & angry posts directed at me. All I was doing was pouring my heart & soul to what I was experiencing and asking for help. This is a very tough situation.

I do realize that being in love with this other woman takes a huge toll on my marriage. There is no way I can live a happy life at home while being in love with this other woman. But please trust me on this... and I have triple & quadruple analyzed this aspect... the way the OW and I "get along" and "interact" is very different than the way my wife & I have always interacted. It's more mature. It's more playful banter. There's a lot of fun back-and-forth talking with witty comebacks that make us laugh. There's an incredible warmth that we feel being around each other. Now granted, over the years of living as husband and wife together the warm fuzzies fade (I know that). But what I am also certain of is that the feelings I have experienced with this OW are stronger and more intense than I have ever experienced with anyone else (wife included).

I'm not saying this for "justifcation for the affair". I am saying this for potential justifaction for a scary divorce. As I said, I'm not 100% sure divorce is the right answer. I can already sense this new relationship will be riddled & RIDDLED with problems! These are aftermath & environmental ones. But I am 100% certain the love we have is sincere, real, and very special (otherwise... neither of us would even consider divorcing).

This is not new to society. Obviously there are fundamental reasons why people cheat. And there are other fundamental reasons why people divorce (even if for another person). One thing that has held me back was that I do not want to take this other person out of one relationship only to put her in another one that is riddled with problems, financial dispair, and who knows what other turmoil unless all of these issues were SOLVABLE.

I don't enjoy cheating behind my wife's back. I don't like going home to her pretending to be happy while I'm secretly planning to escape. The thought of letting the love of my life go to be "true & faithful" to the wife is honorable, but equally devastating to the broken-hearted (including me). It's hard to imagine living a mediocre life with the spouse (SEMI-HAPPY MARRIAGE is exactly where we are).

EmptyInside... if you don't mind I would LOVE to have a phone-to-phone conversation with you about this. You sound sincere, and a good heart-to-heart would proably be extremely helpful to me - only because you seem to have been in the same exact boat I was in.

RichardCollier

emptyside: if you are comfortable with that, you can pm me.

RichardCollier

KanDo: I have felt like a dense idiot for nearly 4 years, so nothing phases me now.

RichardCollier

Everyone else: Coming clean vs. Not (if I choose to stay and try to work things out). Everything I have read tells me that NOTHING is the same after an affair is discovered. I personally think the odds of reconciling after such a revelation would be far less than things working out with the OW. The emotional hurt would be devastating. And while I agree she should have the "right to know", I honestly don't think it would be in either party's interest to do that.

I know that isn't the "morally correct" path to take, but if the other relationship completely ends attempts can still be made to try to improve things at home. If a nuclear bomb was heading your way and your home (with wife & kids) were at ground zero... and you knew exactly when the bomb was coming would you share the news on the time or allow them some blissful ignorance?

I actually feel the only 2 choices I have are to come clean with the wife and file for divorce. Or, cut the relationship clean with the OW (even though trying to cut it clean failed a few times before). It's not about "me" (or "us") anymore at that point, but remaining firmly planted on that stance for the sake of the family. I would live the rest of my life with a guilty secret that can never get off my chest, but my wife's feelings would be spared.

I don't think option 3 (breakiing up with OW and coming clean with the wife) is the best choice for anyone. It seems to me it's either come clean (and leave) or completely stop (and stay).