Originally Posted by RichardCollier
Okay folks. I appreciate the honest feedback - even though it's unanimously negative. I wasn't trying to justify the affair nor was I trying to find reason to continue having an affair. I was hoping to find if there was somone else in a similar situation as I was in - feeling trapped.
I stopped reading after post #23 above, so if the situation has changed then please disregard my comments. I saw so much of myself in you and your story that reading your post made me sick. I don't know how to sugarcoat this. You are so far in the fog that you don't know which end is up. You weren't trying to justify the affair???
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..... keep telling yourself that, because we both know that it exactly what you were trying to do. I can't honestly believe that I don't feel a certain level of compassion and understanding for you because the same Bull $hit that you tried to pass off to this very "infidelity-wise" group of people, here, came out of my mouth/keyboard just 2 months ago. I posted a link below. Just read my first two or three posts. That's all you'll need to get the gist of the situation.
If you had one drop of the integrity that you claim to have then you would tell your wife the truth and give her an opportunity to decide if she even wants to reconcile the marriage with you. I know what you're thinking.... you're thinking, "Huh, I don't know if I even want to reconcile the marriage.... after all, I've found my soul mate." Fine, then, give your wife a divorce and go be with your soul mate. Of course go in with the knowledge that you and your soul mate are both cheaters. BTW, I know you think that your kids will understand because they love you and they will just want for you to be happy, right? WRONG!!!
My grown daughter cried and cried for days, she was devastated, disappointed and felt as though I had betrayed her as well as her father. My 22 y/o old son, who had never in his entire life had one cross word with me didn't speak to me for days and then he moved out. My 19 y/o son yelled, screamed, cursed and cried.... asked me many of the same questions that his father, my husband, had asked. He said that I had betrayed our whole family and he asked me if, while he was having a very serious surgery last year, I was thinking about the OM. The truth is, I was texting the OM in the waiting room while my son was having surgery. This same son wanted to go confront the OM.... my husband and I managed to calm him down and make him understand that no good could come from that. Can you imagine how much more guilt I would be living with now if my son had confronted the OM and something had gone terribly wrong? It makes me sick just thinking about this.
You say that you and the OW are "in love." Well, that fabulous.... you do understand that your problems will become her problems and her problems will become your problems, and all of the carnage (i.e., family) that you've left behind will become both of your problems. Maybe your affair is the one in a million that is different.... special..... Oh, heck yeah. I know, mine was, too!
Then go, be with her.... but don't expect your wife to play the part of the understanding ex-wife and be your new best friend. It won't happen that way. I know you think it will. These are your own words: "unfortunately i cannot say anything severely negative about my wife that she did that could warrant a divorce or me cheating on her. even though i expressed (several times) throughout the years disappointments and shortcomings that i would like to see improved it continuously goes in 1 ear and out the other (i guess that's my fault too for picking a wife that doesn't care enough about my feelings to improve things)"
These were mine: "My husband is a good man, a good provider, and a good father, but he gave me very little emotional and physical intimacy throughout most of our marriage and none in the last several years...... I tried very hard to make him understand that I was dying inside from the loneliness, isolation and emptiness. I told him that I could no longer live this way and, still, he made no changes."
I looked through my first post and I could practically match my comments to yours 1:1. How Much Detail?
So, two months after my first post here and my husband and I are in the process of reconciling. Very long story..... just read the last few posts of the link to his thread. What a difference 2 months makes. I was angry, bitter, resentful, defiant, I felt entitled to be happy at whatever the cost, because, like you, I was a good person, with lots of integrity. Why, I had even led such a sacrificial life up to that point, that surely no one would begrudge me the right to be truly happy, right?......
I hope you see the sarcasm that I am directing at myself.
At this point I know that you are not receptive to what I'm saying. I know you think you're different. I don't think you are.
It's never too late to start doing the right thing.... you can regain your integrity and your self-respect and be the husband and father that you committed yourself to be or divorce your wife and be with your AP, of course, she has to rip her family apart first, too. And, whether you are married to your wife or not you are still obligated to provide for your children who you say are still young. What you can't do is have it all. You can't have your clueless, trusting wife who is home taking care of your family, while you're out spending time, money, energy and affection on your girlfriend (who your children will most likely despise) and your self-respect. Grow a set, get off of the fence and act like a real man.
BTW, my husband and I are in IC and MC and we are happier, stronger, wiser, healthier and more in love than we have ever been in our lives. It hasn't been easy, nor do I expect it will be any time in the foreseeable future. But, I can say I've never been happier or felt more loved in my entire life. Wife's affair, how to move forward?