I recently found out that my wife of 17 years has been "rebelling" for the last couple of years. I think she may be going through a mid-life crisis. All three guys have been men she started out being friends with, just needing someone to talk to. Each one has progressed to flirting, secret meetings and then kissing. I caught her by reading some emails and confronted her. She came out with everything...I hope. I still have a feeling something is still hidden. My wife is very attractive and I love her very much. We have 4 beautiful kids and my family is everything to me. She has said it will never happen again but I don't believe anything she says right now. I was never jealous before this but have turned into a very jealous husband. I hate myself for the feelings I have now. I have turned to snooping to try and find out the whole truth and I hate that too. I feel like a failure as a man. I have no one to talk to. No one knows about this except me and it is eating me alive. HELP.
Whoa! As a person who has lived with a cheater and had many months of counseling to reverse the damage caused by a cheater, I'll be happy to share my thoughts with you. First, don't blame yourself. You are not a failure--you are a victim. How do you really know her activities only got as far as kissing? Hate to say this but... If your wife had three guys, she is probably not a beginner. Unfortunately, from my experience, cheaters are also great at lying. I put up with my husband running around on me for two years while I lived in denial. Had I gotten FIRM in the beginning things would have turned out much differently. Since you obviously love your wife, you should probably tell your wife that the two of you need to go to counseling. Don't put it off! Also, she is going to have to live a transparent life now; that means no secrets and access to her phone, e-mails, etc. Just remember she is the one who destroyed your trust. She will now have to EARN your trust!
Bdub I have to agree with Country girl, very seldom will you get the whole truth from a cheater. If you want to know the details you need to keep pushing very hard, little by little you will keep finding out more information and you will see how reluctant they are to tell the truth. Do not feel guilty about snooping, she has brought this unto herself. If she is not willing to be transparent then she is still not being honest with you.
Coops right, she will try to get you to forget about it. She will change the subject. She will tell you "can't we just get over it". Do you want to find out? But you had better be prepared. Find a local polygraph tester. Run off the paper work. YOU MUST BE LOOKING IN HER EYES WHEN YOU TELL HER THIS. Say. "I know you want to get past this as much as I do. So I was sure you'd jump at the chance to put this behind us. I scheduled a polygraph test for next Saturday. AGAIN, YOU HAVE TO BE LOOKING AT HER EYES. If you see panic. Then she screwed them. If she looks away or says that she can't or won't, she screwed them. If she says "great idea, I would just like to get past this too", then she may not have. I think, if she confesses to more, or sleeping with one of them. And then says I'm glad EVERYTHING IS OUT IN THE OPEN". Make her get the polygraph, If she tries to get out of by confessing about one. You can pretty much figure that they all hit a home run.
Now think about this as a guy, my friend. 3 guys, 2 years. What are the chances that no one got her panties off in that amount of time.
Thank you for the replies. We are both in our late thirties. I want so much to believe it was just kissing, which is bad enough. I am just so devistated. She says nothing was missing from our relationship. She just wanted to be free of responsibility for those brief moments. She has become very selfish and I hope she can change that. This is just going to take a lot of time to get over. The only thing that has kept me here so far are my kids. It would kill them if we split.
The polygraph is the only way to get as close to the truth as possible. You have to know. You cannot make life changing decisions without knowing what really went on. As I said, she will probably spill the beans, in fact it is very likely. If she admit to sex with one of them, after lying and covering up. You logically have to assume that the truth is worse then that. Self deception (on your part) doesn't help the situation. It only increases stress in your marriage.
OMG really Polygraph isnt always the answer! and sometimes they arent accurate and SERIOUSLY who is going to fork out almost a thousand dollars to strap there spouse up. AND seriously if it gets to the point of take this test UNLESS its a DNA test for a child just leave if you cant stand the thought of it leave cause you will never know the entire truth you just have to ask yourself IF she did what would you do?
When I found out my wife was having an emotional affair over the internet and went semi sexual for a week spur, it almost killed me. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling right now. Everyone on here is right. There are restrictions. Period.
My restrictions were computer gone when I am not home, phone being monitored, etc. Although I was in a different position being the bread winner and her a stay at home mom. I wasn't about to pay for my wife to have an emotional affair after I had begged her to come to me with things.
If she really is done, she will get over losing the privileges for a while.
Losing privileges wow. Are you her dad? You know my H cheated me and well I was A BI)(#&*# to and did what he thought was cheating BUT I never said you wont be doing this this this or this. I am not his mom I am his wife. He is my Husband and we want to respect each other NOT be forced to respect and trust.
Thanks to everyone for the responses. We have had some good conversation over the past couple of days. She is embarassed by her behavior. She said that in each instance, she did not set out to kiss anyone. She says that she made a big mistake and will do anything to try and make it right. I just keep having these visions of her kissing other men and having their hands on her. It is driving me crazy. I thought I was in a very happy marriage. I have always given plenty of attention and affection. I treat her like a queen, and I feel like the dirt under her feet. I want to stay with her but it is going to be a long hard road. I just don't know if I have the energy. And if I do, will she do it again? If so, it will kill me.