So I decided to rearrange some dresser drawers. At the bottom of the drawer I start with, I find a price tag that was removed from a book about the kama sutra that has never been involved in my marital life.
My wife had an affair last year, which ended far too slowly between November and April. We've been in MC since April.
I am unbelievably upset by this. For one, because I'm pretty sure it was involved in my wife's extramarital love life and two, because I would have loved to have shared that learning experience with my wife.
She's at work right now and will be home in approximately 20 minutes. I think I will say, "I stumbled across something that we need to talk about."
So I decided to rearrange some dresser drawers. At the bottom of the drawer I start with, I find a price tag that was removed from a book about the kama sutra that has never been involved in my marital life.
My wife had an affair last year, which ended far too slowly between November and April. We've been in MC since April.
I am unbelievably upset by this. For one, because I'm pretty sure it was involved in my wife's extramarital love life and two, because I would have loved to have shared that learning experience with my wife.
She's at work right now and will be home in approximately 20 minutes. I think I will say, "I stumbled across something that we need to talk about."
Opinions would be appreciated.
What is the date on the price tag or what I assume is a receipt?
I am not sure what you mean by a slow ending affair? Did she give the OM a NC letter? If not she needed to do that, and it would have been done. Quick, no delay. If not, you should suspect that she is still in contact with the OM.
If you are going to have honesty and start to trust her, you need to confront her on more than just this receipt. How about access to her phone, computer, etc passwords. If the A is truly over, she should have no problem surrendering access.
It is not you but her that needs to go the extra mile to gain trust and meet you more than half way to come to any R, if any is possible. She broke your trust and not the other way around.
Do you have any family and trusted friends involved? If not, get someone involved who can help. Just avoid anyone who is in for purely voyeuristic purposes.
As my father once told me, you don't just marry her, you marry her family... I have found this to be true. If she cheats, she cheats on the family too, thus they need to be involved.
__________________ Makau, the fish hook - stands for everything that is good and promises prosperity (not just in material things), strength (character) and renewal (not remaining stagnant). My creed for building a strong marriage.
I am unbelievably upset by this. For one, because I'm pretty sure it was involved in my wife's extramarital love life and two, because I would have loved to have shared that learning experience with my wife.
Thats wierd you would be so worried about talking to your wife about the tag you found. I mean its not like the affair is a secret any more.
It sucks that its a trigger and its even worse that it would still be going on. It sound like the tag has been there for a while so I'll figure its old news.
With that said, it odd that you can't talk bout it.
I mean when I found empty packages of chicks underwear deep in the bowls of our walk in closet I told my wife what I found and asked were the panties were, she told me she left them in the hotel room or the guys house..."they were dirty".
Granted this was a year after d-day, but my point is I wasn't going to keep this to my self no matter how painful it was for us to talk about.
Sure I wanted to see my wife in those panties and it was a trigger just like it was humiliating for her to answer the question. Lesson learned here is what my wife did not so long ago still has consequences today.
As painful as it is you have to face this evil head on and at all times.
A few days later she went to the panty store and bought a nice pear for me to take off.
Went well. She was concerned about the right things, and didn't avoid blame. She explained where it came from and I believe her. It had nothing to do with him. DawnD, I did exactly as you suggested - told her the reasons it was upsetting to me.
Machiavelli, what is "more alpha" than calmly discussing something that is upsetting?
She is not currently engaged in an affair. I have access to everything of hers. I don't blindly trust her.
It made me nervous because we are not in reconciliation; we are not having sex. (Our counselor has us in a holding pattern while we are both doing IC work) Talking about sex in our relationship is difficult. It's something we haven't been good at since we were much younger. From my perspective, we need practice discussing sex - constructive practice, not destructive practice.
I am also still learning to trust myself with my reactions. I tend to escalate to rage quickly when I'm upset.
Not to derail the topic, but I'm kinda curious - how would you have handled it?
Since there is no sex, no HB, then my "alpha" idea won't work. I was thinking it would be nice to send a message by arranging her into as many K-S positions as possible in the shortest amount of time and see if that rung any bells on her part.
I have spent the last 2 or 3 years disengaged from my marriage and my relationship with my wife. The reason I'm in MC is because I don't know if I want reconciliation. I see many benefits both ways and I'm too logical to make a decision; I'm too emotional to make a decision. I know a lot more about what I want now than I did when I asked her to marry me, but I feel like don't know her well enough to know if she is what I want. I know she has made me happy in the past. I'm really picky, and that's an understatement.
Our counselor suggested separation, my wife and I countered that a separation would inevitably lead to divorce. I would lose interest in her if I made myself avoid her - my attention span is too short. I wouldn't act like a married man if I were to separate from her; what is the point in purposely forcing yourself to be lonely when it is not what you want?
The reason divorce is not ideal is our children. They are beautiful, amazing, sensitive, and innocent.
Hysterical bonding...I had to read about it. I don't think we have this in any way. We are, however, more intimate now than we have ever been, but there is no sex and no mouth kissing. I have already made it clear to her and our MC that a nonphysical relationship will not satisfy me. The hold ends in 2 months, at which point I will make a decision about our marriage.
We're both trying to figure out what we want. I know more about me now than I ever have, but I am very glad for the 2 more months.
If anyone else has opinions on how to deal with old evidence, please chime in.
I just find it so wierd that the kids are growing up watching mom and dad have no effection for each other. No disrespect here.
I mean I grow up and never saw my folks kiss and hug each other and it really screwed up my own marriage. Having been accused by both the MC and my own wife that I don't show love.
I just wish I had a better examble of a healthy relationship when I was growing up.
It wouldn't suprise me when your kids get to an age were they start dating and move to a serious relationship that the SO will wonder why their not effectionate.
I guess I would have rather grown up in a broken happy home rather then have two parents give me a crappy examble of a marriage.
@The guy: my wife and I are very affectionate. We snuggle on the couch and in bed, we do long hugs at home and in public, we hold hands, I massage her, and we do all of this in front of our children. We just are not sexual.
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Old evidence of infidelities 
