Spend some time going through the infidelity threads and understand the sorts of tricks someone gets up to in an affair.
How will you make sure she is not calling him? Maybe on a different phone? Emailing him? Maybe from a secret account, and maybe including racy pictures? How will you know what they do when they are together? How will you know that she is where she tells you she is at any time?
I'm not trying to make you paranoid. I'm telling you, from personal experience, that by the time you find out you were wrong to trust her the deed is already done. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
She has kissed this man and wants to spend time with him. She is already in inappropriate territory...basically in the early stages of an affair. You are doing nothing to hinder it's progression. And she isn't pulling back, she is going further in.
You are more likely to save things by tough action.
I know where you are at, I've been there and it hurts. But it's going to hurt a lot worse pretty shortly if things progress. Do you want to hear:
"He makes me feel sexually alive in a way you never did."
"I love you but I'm not in love with you. The passion's gone".
"All that is wrong in our marriage is your fault".
If I read you correctly, that is what is likely coming, because she is in a relationship fog and being allowed to go deeper.
Read this link and see if you can recognise any of it in your spouse. The chances are you are entering Stage 2 based on what you have told us.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
P.S. During better times did your wife and you ever get the kids playing nicely or settled in front of the TV then go into another room for a quickie?
We don't fit the stages listed here. She is feeling guilt over what she did, I see her questioning her identity as a good girl, and struggling to understand what she did. Based on the evidence I have collected, she has seen him twice without kids. Their chat log showed they kissed, and I agree with others on this, they groped and felt each other. This is PA, I'm not stupid. She has ended the PA, but the EA is there. I'm getting to the point of making an ultimatum, but I need to be prepared for her reaction and my own issues of self-worth / guilt over treating her like **** for the first 5 years. At any rate, the sex in our marriage has never suffered. She shows affection better than I do, she initiates sex more than I do, and I am trying to get better about this. She has not lost interest in sex with me, and apart from her 3 weeks of lying / cheating, she has been honest with me, and begging me to stay more emotionally connected to her for years. I'm listening to all the advice here, and I am working on getting the balls to demand a NC. Her computer activity, all of it, is logged - I know who she is texting, and unless she gets another phone, I feel pretty sure I can monitor. I know who she is with at all times, and I know where she is going. I will be vigilant, but I know I am taking a huge risk. I guess I am doing so because she trusted me when I didn't deserve it, she stuck with me when I was lying for FIVE YEARS, and in the last month since they kissed, she has not lied to me. She tells me when they chat, she offers to let me read the logs, she tells me when she sends him a text. If she lies again, I will demand the NC. I know it is a risk, but I am too much of a non-confrontational coward and I have no confidence that I can make the demand and back it up.
In all of this is the OMW - she doesn't know that allowing her husband to talk to your wife has such high risk.
she really really needs to know, especially since you are allowing continued contact.
I emailed her to let her know that her husband and my wife were in constant contact, and that I didn't trust their relationship. I gave her some specifics, but haven't sent her the DDay log yet. She has a job interview in CA (I know from the logs, have only spoken to her once at the ice rink - our kids have overlapping lessons) this week, and I want her to get the job! Next week, if I get the cahones.
So your wife has said she'd play by rules with him - but what about his side of the story? He was pushing her for all out sex, and not being subtle about it. Does he know and agree not to pursue her?
So your wife has said she'd play by rules with him - but what about his side of the story? He was pushing her for all out sex, and not being subtle about it. Does he know and agree not to pursue her?
He has said they were making a huge mistake, that their relationship should be just friends, and he has made no hints about trying to isolate her. Not that I trust him, they both know I have the ability to record everything she does on the computer, but as far as I can tell, neither has initiated more inappropriate behavior. I don't think he tells his wife how often they chat, but hopefully my email will change that.
If she wants to be such good friends why not make her see him with you ard his wife around? Invite them both to BBQ on Saturday or something. Don't let yourself be excluded.
He has said they were making a huge mistake, that their relationship should be just friends, and he has made no hints about trying to isolate her. Not that I trust him, they both know I have the ability to record everything she does on the computer, but as far as I can tell, neither has initiated more inappropriate behavior. I don't think he tells his wife how often they chat, but hopefully my email will change that.
Translation:"I'm really a good guy. I'm trying to resist you!"
Future conversation: "We've tried so hard to resist this, but clearly it's meant to be. This is REAL and not like your average affair!"
It is ALL part of the game. It seems like you're trying to find ways to make this less than it is. It's completely understandable, but I worry that you're going to give her too much leeway if even you can find reasons to say it's not as bad as you think.
I have a female friend who I climb and bike with. I also bike with her husband. My wife is always invited. Sometimes I have to really push her to come along.
He has said they were making a huge mistake, that their relationship should be just friends, and he has made no hints about trying to isolate her. Not that I trust him, they both know I have the ability to record everything she does on the computer, but as far as I can tell, neither has initiated more inappropriate behavior. I don't think he tells his wife how often they chat, but hopefully my email will change that.
That you are non-confrontational is the understatement of the year, or maybe the decade.
If they both know how you are monitoring their communication, then of course they are going to avoid any inappropriate conversations where they know you are looking!
If you allow ANY contact with this man who begged your wife for a weekend sex session you are asking for trouble. Plus her answer was " not yet". Meaning that it she was preparing for it.
So you are OK with your wife continuing to interact with a man who begged her for sex and she was considering doing it with him?
Paint the big red bulls-eye on your back now. The knife is coming.
My wife and I have been married for 8 years, together for 18. During the first 4 years of our relationship, I kissed two other women, and had an inappropriate relationship with one of those two women and continuously lied about it. I don't behave that way any more, but the damage was done. Recently, my wife lost her best (female) friend, and has been really struggling. Unfortunately, I wasn't as tuned in to her as I should have been. She started talking to another man she met at our kids' swimming lessons. One day, after she suspiciously changed our text / data plan (she normally has me make those changes) I checked the logs and found she was texting this person 150+ times per day. I confronted her, she swore it was friendship only, and that it would stop. After two weeks of quietly suspicious behavior, I put a piece of software on her computer to see her Facebook chat logs and learned that she had seen this man 2X in 2 weeks, and that they had been kissing. The chat log showed so much more - promises of trying to get a weekend together. Apparently she said to him "Not Yet". I confronted her, she said its a huge mistake, that she felt so alone, scared, and confused about her friend taking her own life. She said she doesn't really have romantic feelings for him, but that they have a real connection based on similar childhood trauma. They still chat 1 - 2x per day, they see each other with kids present (They both stay at home with the kids) 2x per week, and I am so nervous. She swears I am her one true love, she doesn't care about him that way, etc. Am I being naive to trust her again and allow her to stay friends? Is this the definition of an emotional affair? She swears it is not. I am just confused, and I want to move forward with her.
No your not being naive all the signs are there. Don't be like most of us bs who give chance after chance and end up looking like a fool. There's nothing wrong with men and woman being friends but when they feel the need to keep it secret you know something's up. Tell his wife and blow the whole thing out of the water. Posted via Mobile Device
The OM's wife just asked about their relationship... I did not share that the two of them had kissed, just that they have been talking a whole lot on Facebook. I'm keeping my nuclear bomb for now, trying to let my WW prove that she is going to be true to me. All the advice here says otherwise, but I have to give her one chance to save the relationship. I put it in her hands, have made it clear that I am not OK with them being "friends" - she chooses to be friends over making me comfortable. This may be the beginning of the end, but part of me wants so badly to believe in her. Part of me knows I have this coming based on what an A-H I was, and that I have failed her so many other times in regards to emotional connection. I'm sure that's why I fail to demand NC - I don't feel I have the right to demand anything. I have to change that but don't know how.
118Likes
Re: My wife kissed a man and stays friends 
