I've been searching online for a place like this, wanting to find people in a similar situation and wanting to know I'm not alone. I just discovered that my husband of 7 years has been cheating on me, in kind of a unique way, I guess. From what I can see, he didn't have an emotional affair and while he was interested in having a physical affair, every time he tried to make that happen in person, he lost his nerve. So intermittently, for the last two years, he has been emailing people and talking to them on the phone about who knows what.
I have been completely blindsided by this. Our marriage was in no way unhappy, and he will attest to that still. He has said and continues to say that I am his "dream girl" and that he feels like he may never be able to forgive himself for hurting me like this. This is so hard for me to understand now. He and I were always together, the best of friends, very much in love, very active sex life. I am the opposite of frigid (very adventurous! so in love with him!), so it's especially hard for me to understand why he would cheat. He has some inner demons, as we all do, and instead of feeling like he could confide in me, he tried to suppress everything. That didn't turn out very well. I have been completely open with him and never even considered cheating. I have been in situations where people have been interested in me but since I valued my marriage over a temporary distraction, I never did anything that could be construed as inappropriate or encouraged that kind of behavior (or even flirted!). One of my mottos in life is "never mistake temptation for opportunity"! If I found myself thinking someone was attractive, I did everything I could to avoid that person and tell my spouse what my thoughts were and how I could combat them. Now I know that he felt very insecure and unsure of his position in my heart, not because of anything I did, but because of his own fears and insecurities and because of the attention that I have received from others. I can understand his feeling that way, but I can't understand him doing what he did.
The worst part for me is that I have always feared being cheated on. The only thing I have ever wanted was openness and honesty in a marriage and now I'm not sure if he can ever offer me that. And I wonder if this doesn't work out, if I could ever trust another human being in this way again. I have seriously considered some kind of monastic life if this doesn't work out. I have also wondered (lately) what if would be like for me to cheat on him, and before I would have NEVER thought that. I want to be able to hold my head up and feel good about the person I am, so that thought is very confusing and hurtful for me to have.
Obviously, I'm not sure what to do now, but I want my marriage to work so I'm trying to figure out how to do that. At times, it seems completely hopeless. We're in counseling now, and I'm continuing to see a separate therapist that I've been seeing for issues unrelated to this. Has anyone here actually recovered? What do you think my chances could be? We don't have any children (though we were planning to) and I know I only have so many years left before that choice is taken from me. I'm just so lost and confused. Please help me feel less alone.
I know this is difficult, Lady. Can you elaborate on how he cheated exactly? I mean, if I'm reading this correctly, it was different women that he contacted by email and by phone but never actually had a physical relationship with any of them? Is that what he's saying?
Thanks for reading my post and responding, SomedayDig. Sorry for not being more clear. I discovered his infidelity through a friend. My friend discovered him posting on Craigslist (married, looking for same to talk to people via phone and email with the possibility of meeting up). He claims that he actually met up with five people, and of those five, he attempted to have sex with one of them, with no success (performance anxiety). He is a pretty high strung guy with sexual anxieties, so while this seems unlikely, I don't think it's impossible. After his failed attempt, he was emailing with people and talking on the phone. I assume phone sex, but he says he only tried that once (with success). He says he did all this to work through his sexual anxiety.
Edit: I also understand that Occam's Razor would have me believe that he's a big liar, and I have to admit that this is part of my struggle. But I have complete access to financial and phone records, and what I have there seems to partially corroborate his story.
What do you want out of this relationship? Do you have kids? What's the worst that would happen if you were to leave him or demand that he move out?
You should consider laying down some clear boundaries, asking him to get some counseling/ see a medical doctor to address "sexual anxiety" issues, and then waiting to see some real evidence of remorse.
Well, you've stated that you want your marriage to work. I can respect that. I felt the same after a while when I found my wife had a FIVE YEAR LONG affair. It is very difficult to deal with our spouse's betrayal, and that's what you're dealing with right now.
Do you have access to everything like email/facebook/craigslist passwords and whatnot. I saw you have cell and financial statements, however, don't forget some waywards use burner phones and cash.
You need to simply let him know that although you want the marriage to work/continue, that only with his full and complete disclosure can that happen.
That is truly the only way you can heal. Believe Occcam's Razor because it is very plausible. I'm not saying it's the only truth, but waywards have a funny way of trickle truthing in their attempt to "spare" your feelings.
Hello OP. I am going to jot down some very general points for you, that way I can gather my thoughts with something more personal. ( I am a BS by the way, my H cheated about 4.5 years ago, we have been reconciling for almost 3 years.)
--- His cheating is about HIM. HE needs to go to Individual counseling to address his issues.
--- You will need to sit down and lay out what you need from him in order to stay and work on the relationship. (This should include counseling, transparency, and any emotional support you need)
--- Get back to YOU. Do things that make you happy, and come up with a few goals for yourself, so his infidelity does not consume you.
I will be back later on, and I am sure a lot of people will have a lot of great advice.
I've been searching online for a place like this, wanting to find people in a similar situation and wanting to know I'm not alone. I just discovered that my husband of 7 years has been cheating on me, in kind of a unique way, I guess. From what I can see, he didn't have an emotional affair and while he was interested in having a physical affair, every time he tried to make that happen in person, he lost his nerve. So intermittently, for the last two years, he has been emailing people and talking to them on the phone about who knows what.
I have been completely blindsided by this. Our marriage was in no way unhappy, and he will attest to that still. He has said and continues to say that I am his "dream girl" and that he feels like he may never be able to forgive himself for hurting me like this. This is so hard for me to understand now. He and I were always together, the best of friends, very much in love, very active sex life. I am the opposite of frigid (very adventurous! so in love with him!), so it's especially hard for me to understand why he would cheat. He has some inner demons, as we all do, and instead of feeling like he could confide in me, he tried to suppress everything. That didn't turn out very well. I have been completely open with him and never even considered cheating. I have been in situations where people have been interested in me but since I valued my marriage over a temporary distraction, I never did anything that could be construed as inappropriate or encouraged that kind of behavior (or even flirted!). One of my mottos in life is "never mistake temptation for opportunity"! If I found myself thinking someone was attractive, I did everything I could to avoid that person and tell my spouse what my thoughts were and how I could combat them. Now I know that he felt very insecure and unsure of his position in my heart, not because of anything I did, but because of his own fears and insecurities and because of the attention that I have received from others. I can understand his feeling that way, but I can't understand him doing what he did.
The worst part for me is that I have always feared being cheated on. The only thing I have ever wanted was openness and honesty in a marriage and now I'm not sure if he can ever offer me that. And I wonder if this doesn't work out, if I could ever trust another human being in this way again. I have seriously considered some kind of monastic life if this doesn't work out. I have also wondered (lately) what if would be like for me to cheat on him, and before I would have NEVER thought that. I want to be able to hold my head up and feel good about the person I am, so that thought is very confusing and hurtful for me to have.
Obviously, I'm not sure what to do now, but I want my marriage to work so I'm trying to figure out how to do that. At times, it seems completely hopeless. We're in counseling now, and I'm continuing to see a separate therapist that I've been seeing for issues unrelated to this. Has anyone here actually recovered? What do you think my chances could be? We don't have any children (though we were planning to) and I know I only have so many years left before that choice is taken from me. I'm just so lost and confused. Please help me feel less alone.
I have an amazing, beautiful wife who I'm incredibly lucky to have and men are always hitting on her. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve her and maybe she deserves someone better.... You know what?! I'll go on craigslist and proposition several other married women to alleviate my mental anguish and insecurities...
Sorry Lady Betrayed but that's one of the lamest excuses I've ever heard. When you have a trophy wife, you'd be VERY grateful to have her and your insecurities would be directed toward her cheating. You wouldn't cheat to sooth your own insecurities... it doesn't even make sense.
I believe it when you say he's insecure. My insecurity was my reason for cheating in my first marriage. I hated being lied to and I was convinced I was being cheated on (even though I wasn't) this insecurity lead to me straying.
Insecurity is so powerful and goes so much deeper than just the basics of what you think. If you want to save your marriage, get him into individual counseling to see why he feels so badly about himself.
I mean it isn't like he fell in love behind your back. It seems like he's just trying to make himself feel better like a child would.
I did everything I could to avoid that person and tell my spouse what my thoughts were and how I could combat them.
Did you actually tell your husband that you were physically attracted to a particular person when this happened?
My wife will do this sometimes. She has no idea how hurtful this can be. I ignore it, but I could see how it might trigger some people who are, as you put it, beset by demons.
Yea I'm gonna call Bull on the couldn't have sex part. Probably damage control to try. I mean yea I tried to baby but I just couldn't.
You need to get tested for STD's now. The craigslist ad's are basically where all the craigslist prostitutes went after craigslist shutdown the adult section of craigslist.
Your WH was looking for hookers. That's exactly what he was doing.
Get tested for STD's right now and don't believe another trickle truthing lie that comes out of that mans mouth. You need to have access to his craigslist account. You need to find out what email address he was using for is craigslist account. You need access to his phone and any and all forms of electronic communication he has.
I am sorry I know exactly what craigslist is used for (not personally) but hey I am a computer guy.
Go look for yourself in the craigslist section see how many women say I am looking for a husband. Then look at how many say I am looking for some fun. I do sensual massage and we can have a good time. Translated I am a hooker and we'll talk prices in person.
If you wanna break into it the link in my signature is a link to an evidence gathering thread I started. It is a long thread but please read through it and ask questions. PM me if you have to.
__________________ evidence gathering thread the lie and the truth
There is nothing noble in being superior to your Fellow man. True nobility is being superior to your former self.
--Ernest Hemingway--
I've been searching online for a place like this, wanting to find people in a similar situation and wanting to know I'm not alone. I just discovered that my husband of 7 years has been cheating on me, in kind of a unique way, I guess. From what I can see, he didn't have an emotional affair and while he was interested in having a physical affair, every time he tried to make that happen in person, he lost his nerve. So intermittently, for the last two years, he has been emailing people and talking to them on the phone about who knows what.
I have been completely blindsided by this. Our marriage was in no way unhappy, and he will attest to that still. He has said and continues to say that I am his "dream girl" and that he feels like he may never be able to forgive himself for hurting me like this. This is so hard for me to understand now. He and I were always together, the best of friends, very much in love, very active sex life. I am the opposite of frigid (very adventurous! so in love with him!), so it's especially hard for me to understand why he would cheat. He has some inner demons, as we all do, and instead of feeling like he could confide in me, he tried to suppress everything. That didn't turn out very well. I have been completely open with him and never even considered cheating. I have been in situations where people have been interested in me but since I valued my marriage over a temporary distraction, I never did anything that could be construed as inappropriate or encouraged that kind of behavior (or even flirted!). One of my mottos in life is "never mistake temptation for opportunity"! If I found myself thinking someone was attractive, I did everything I could to avoid that person and tell my spouse what my thoughts were and how I could combat them. Now I know that he felt very insecure and unsure of his position in my heart, not because of anything I did, but because of his own fears and insecurities and because of the attention that I have received from others. I can understand his feeling that way, but I can't understand him doing what he did.
The worst part for me is that I have always feared being cheated on. The only thing I have ever wanted was openness and honesty in a marriage and now I'm not sure if he can ever offer me that. And I wonder if this doesn't work out, if I could ever trust another human being in this way again. I have seriously considered some kind of monastic life if this doesn't work out. I have also wondered (lately) what if would be like for me to cheat on him, and before I would have NEVER thought that. I want to be able to hold my head up and feel good about the person I am, so that thought is very confusing and hurtful for me to have.
Obviously, I'm not sure what to do now, but I want my marriage to work so I'm trying to figure out how to do that. At times, it seems completely hopeless. We're in counseling now, and I'm continuing to see a separate therapist that I've been seeing for issues unrelated to this. Has anyone here actually recovered? What do you think my chances could be? We don't have any children (though we were planning to) and I know I only have so many years left before that choice is taken from me. I'm just so lost and confused. Please help me feel less alone.
So you always feared he would cheat on you and he cheated because he was insecure of guys hitting on you and that you eventually would cheat. Wow... you will get lots of advice here on TAM CWI forum, but both of your problems are beyond the amateurs that peruse this site. There is something hidden in both your backgrounds that requires some serious professional work.
Hold off on kids, please. No sense dragging innocent victims into your tangled web of fears.
I really don't know where to begin... I just recommend that you get some counseling (at least you say you are now, don't stop) and not from a paraprofessional but from someone with real credentials. The same goes for your WH.
__________________ I ka 'olelo no ke ola, i ka 'olelo no ka make.
Loosely translated: The saying tells the Hawaiians that words can either be a source for healing or destroying and so we need to be careful with our words
I've been searching online for a place like this, wanting to find people in a similar situation and wanting to know I'm not alone. I just discovered that my husband of 7 years has been cheating on me, in kind of a unique way, I guess. From what I can see, he didn't have an emotional affair and while he was interested in having a physical affair, every time he tried to make that happen in person, he lost his nerve. So intermittently, for the last two years, he has been emailing people and talking to them on the phone about who knows what.
I have been completely blindsided by this. Our marriage was in no way unhappy, and he will attest to that still. He has said and continues to say that I am his "dream girl" and that he feels like he may never be able to forgive himself for hurting me like this. This is so hard for me to understand now. He and I were always together, the best of friends, very much in love, very active sex life. I am the opposite of frigid (very adventurous! so in love with him!), so it's especially hard for me to understand why he would cheat. He has some inner demons, as we all do, and instead of feeling like he could confide in me, he tried to suppress everything. That didn't turn out very well. I have been completely open with him and never even considered cheating. I have been in situations where people have been interested in me but since I valued my marriage over a temporary distraction, I never did anything that could be construed as inappropriate or encouraged that kind of behavior (or even flirted!). One of my mottos in life is "never mistake temptation for opportunity"! If I found myself thinking someone was attractive, I did everything I could to avoid that person and tell my spouse what my thoughts were and how I could combat them. Now I know that he felt very insecure and unsure of his position in my heart, not because of anything I did, but because of his own fears and insecurities and because of the attention that I have received from others. I can understand his feeling that way, but I can't understand him doing what he did.
The worst part for me is that I have always feared being cheated on. The only thing I have ever wanted was openness and honesty in a marriage and now I'm not sure if he can ever offer me that. And I wonder if this doesn't work out, if I could ever trust another human being in this way again. I have seriously considered some kind of monastic life if this doesn't work out. I have also wondered (lately) what if would be like for me to cheat on him, and before I would have NEVER thought that. I want to be able to hold my head up and feel good about the person I am, so that thought is very confusing and hurtful for me to have.
Obviously, I'm not sure what to do now, but I want my marriage to work so I'm trying to figure out how to do that. At times, it seems completely hopeless. We're in counseling now, and I'm continuing to see a separate therapist that I've been seeing for issues unrelated to this. Has anyone here actually recovered? What do you think my chances could be? We don't have any children (though we were planning to) and I know I only have so many years left before that choice is taken from me. I'm just so lost and confused. Please help me feel less alone.
I have been through this plenty of times with my H. You are not alone. Don't worry.
I can tell you are not at the stage that you are even remotely wanting to leave. Which is the stage that I am far passed.
The question here is, are you willing to step up and tell him you are going to leave? and mean it?
My H loves me very much, has always expressed how perfect I am for him and as a person. He always tells me how compatible we are, etc. He is happy with what we have. We are very happy with our intimate life and in sync with each other. BUT.....he has a problem with sporadic cheating since we met. I never knew for a long time, but found out eventually, and then snowball cheating started. Because I stayed and didn't want to face the music and be strong, he continued to cheat. Denial is your worst enemy right now.
I wish I would have found this site 6 years ago. But unfortunately, I didn't think of it. and would I have truly listened? no probably not. I was very sure that he would see his wrongs and change on his own. Did he? no. So here I am.
If you don't want him to continue cheating, you MUST tell him that you are not standing for this. He must show what he's been doing, and come clean. If not, you are gone. Always tell him that. Over and over. He won't want to tell you anything. But remind him if he doesn't, you're done with him. If he says he's not showing you or telling you, then be on your way.
You have to show how serious you are. If he is anything like my H (ultimately happy with you and your marriage) he won't want to lose you.
First, let me just thank everyone who read my post and responded. I really appreciate feeling less alone in this, and I'm glad to have your advice. Since there have been so many responses (a lot more than I would have thought!), I'll just try to respond in this.
I would like to say that my husband and our marriage is of paramount important to me, and if we can move past this, I want nothing more than that. Whatever has happened here, whether it is what he says, what (or more than) I fear or somewhere in between, I want to give him this one chance. Despite what he has done, I love him tremendously and know that we all can make terrible mistakes. He deserves this one chance and I will give him that.
I do have access to email accounts, Facebook, complete phone access, etc. I also have access to his pay stubs. His entire paycheck is directly deposited into my account, which he only has joint access. That has been the financial set up this whole time (his request from the beginning as he is not good with money). It would be nearly impossible for him to have a phone I don't know about. Not impossible, just nearly so. However, it's pretty obvious that he was using the phone I do know about.
Unfortunately, immediately after I discovered this (about two weeks ago) he permanently deleted the email account associated with Craigslist before he made the decision to fully confess. I know it has been deleted because I saw the email address and messages sent to that address are bounced back undelivered. The Craigslist account is inaccessible to the best of my knowledge (he claims it was a random letters/numbers combination) and since he could only access it via his phone, he can no longer do that as I have set up controls that have completely removed access to his phone's internet browser and any ability to download apps of any kind.
I do think therapy is the best option for both of us. I have requested that he do that in the past and he always shut that idea down very quickly. Now he is quite enthusiastic about professional help (which tells me a LOT about how this is for him) and we have already met with a licensed therapist twice. I am continuing to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist on my own and he is very interested in seeing a professional on his own as well.
We are going to get tested for STDs on Monday together. I actually get tested every year, thanks to a doctor who has seen this kind if thing happen quite a lot, but I will still do this and want him to get tested as well.
Obviously, I have no intention of having children until this is resolved (if ever). We have been together for 7 years and purposely have not had a child yet (my wish, not his). I absolutely do not want to have a child under a situation like this and if that means I never have children (despite how sad that makes me), so be it.
We have been communicating very clearly throughout this ordeal. He has revealed a tremendous amount of detail (above and beyond what I knew from my friend), which I am not comfortable describing here. He came clean about 6 hours after me confronting him. At first, he tried to deny everything but the obvious. After I let him know that either he could tell me the truth and we would would try to work it out, with NO guarantee of success or he could leave and we would get a divorce... he decided to come clean. He has offered up his thoughts and feelings in ways he never has before. Before he feared being honest (and thus, vulnerable). Now he knows nothing else could suffice, and even now, it's not guaranteed to save him.
I know this is painful. It's likely that everyone here is here because of something terrible happening to them (being betrayed) or them doing something terrible (betraying). I am not comfortable demonizing anyone for anything. We are complex human beings, not cartoon characters. My husband wants to address the root cause of his infidelity. I believe it is a complex array of feelings and emotions and I believe him when he says it is anxiety-based. I also know it pains him terribly to have done this. He is a flawed human who loves me very much (despite what he has done) and he's isn't immune to the obvious pain I'm experiencing. I sincerely want to help him (along with myself), whether we stay together or not. I want his happiness as well as my own, and I'm not going to get that if I'm not trying to be compassionate and understanding, while still keeping my own needs in mind. As I stated above, he and I are terrific friends. If we weren't married and couldn't be together romantically, he and I both believe that we would be best friends. I couldn't have imagined the pain of this, but again, he deserves a chance to repair the damage that he has caused and our marriage deserves the chance to survive, and possibly thrive.
Listen to us please I hear you. Yes we are all human and we make mistakes. MY only fear from your last post is that your are rug sweeping this. There is a reason he deleted that email account. Before you could see it. This isn't the same humdrum PA he was looking for prostitutes. While he may have "come clean" without access to that old email which I think you can recover if you contact the email account provider within a certain time period.
IMO I doubt you got the whole truth. I think you feel the same way but you are just trying to get past this. You seem like a very sweet woman. This isn't something to be sweet about. This is bad and I know you are hurting. I think there is a bigger secret here. I think that in pursuing R without knowing the full extent of the problem is a mistake. I think you are trying to railroad the process and that is dangerous.
I only say this cause what you are saying about is echoed in the many stories about DDAY 2. I can't make this decision for you and I only hope you have made sure that this never happens again.
Read the many stories of how long BS (you) were trickle truthed before everything finally came out. I am not trying to rain on your parade I am just looking out for your best interests.
__________________ evidence gathering thread the lie and the truth
There is nothing noble in being superior to your Fellow man. True nobility is being superior to your former self.
--Ernest Hemingway--
34Likes
Trying to learn how to cope. Please help. 
I can understand his feeling that way, but I can't understand him doing what he did. 
Re: Trying to learn how to cope. Please help. 
