Suspicious of Husband
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 08-15-2012, 10:54 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Suspicious of Husband

I guess I need to start from the beginning. I don't want to be too wordy...this is my mine and my husband's second marriage. We've been married almost 8 years and together 12 years. I had an affair prior to our marriage and 1 a year after we were married. I was entirely at fault, and for almost 5 years have texted/called him when I was going somewhere (even the store), just so he would know where I was. I knew I owed him that. 1 1/2 years ago I met him at a local bar after I got off work, saw a girl following him around, and I got a 'feeling'...told the girl to leave him alone. He said he didn't notice her...flash forward 2 weeks later, and I stopped to see him again, after work while he was running karaoke. His phone went off with a text (we always leave our phones out), I picked it up and saw a text from a girl (turns out it was from the one I told to leave him alone). I asked him about it, and I knew the second he snapped, "What the heck are you doing with my phone?"...he tried to pass it off as someone he worked with, but finally came clean. Of course I blocker her number after I called her and told her what I thought of her. Three weeks after that I found out he, in retribution to my 2nd affair, slept with a girl I knew...this happened right after I came clean, but it took 5 years for me to discover it. While he said it was years ago, it was like it just happened, since I discovered it then. Of course I had words with her. I then watched his text/calling on our cell phone company website. I had gotten over that, then something happened last week. I have to add, our sex life is nil. When he went for his physical in May, he had me pick up a script at the pharmacy. Turns out it was Viagra....he said he felt he needed that (I told him he needed his testosterone leves checked, but he didn't do that). Last week, before I got off work (I work the midnight shift), I text him at 6:40am to see if he needed anything from Walmart as I was stopping to pick up some things. He said he didn't. I was coming home at 8:55am, and was stopped by one of his coworker's gf coming from our home. She said no one could find him...he never showed at the meeting that was at town 20 miles away and was for 7:30am. I checked the house to find his motorcycle gone, so I was going to go the way he would've gone. His coworker got a hold of me and said a manager from another store had come up that way looking for him but didn't see him. So I told him I was going another way he might have gone, but the other manager was going back that way. Just a few minutes later I got a text from the coworker that my husband did show at the meeting but it was over. I left him a vm, and then a text asking where he was. He called me and said he felt the phone vibrate while he was riding (really?) and pulled over to call me. Anyway, he said he got pulled over (he went the way he usually did), for going 70mph in a 50mph and got a verbal warning because he fell back asleep and was running late. My 'gut' didn't fall for that. Personally, I would've called the office to say I was going to be late. Anyway, I started looking at his calls/texts online and noticed a recurring #. I looked it up and it was the bartender where he plays karaoke. He ended up saying they spoke/text because a friend of hers was having problems with a bf, and he was talking to a ex-cop friend of ours for advice. I was away for the weekend and saw he text her 3 more times and when I got home, I blocked her #. I told him he should've respected my wishes...she could've spoken to our cop friend herself. Back to the Viagra. On Monday, I was at the kitchen sink and for whatever reason I picked up the bottle and opened it. There was Excedrin Back & Body pills in it and not the 6 tablets of Viagra. I did speak to him when he got home, and he said he took 2 pills three times when I was off, but we would go out for drinks and they didn't take effect so he was embarassed. The next day we were both off, and something bugged me, so I looked at the bottle (I had thrown it away, but dug it out),and the date was July 15. I was in Alabama the weekend of July 15. I called the pharmacy and they said, yes, it was filled the 2nd time then. Bank records didn't show anything, so he paid cash. Now we aren't rolling in the $, so $127 for 6 pills is a lot for us, and here he got a 2nd bottle! I sat down and said, that I'm sorry the pills he took 3 times (2 ea time) didn't work...he said, 'yes, I tried them three times'...that is when I got up and got the bottle and showed him the July 15 date and what the heck was going on. He then said he actually tried them 6 times (2 ea time), but we would go out and be with our friends and have drinks and they wouldn't work. I asked him why he wouldn't say, 'Hey, I want to try these, let's just stay home and watch a movie, or let's do dinner and I'd like to try them'. Am I being played a fool? I think I am. Now he's wanting marriage therapy, but I really think he was screwing around. Any advice?
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Old 08-15-2012, 10:57 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Suspicious of Husband

Sad part is I'm heading up to that bar to watch when he leaves....took a vacation day to do this.....
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Old 08-15-2012, 11:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Sporty01 View Post
I guess I need to start from the beginning. I don't want to be too wordy...this is my mine and my husband's second marriage. We've been married almost 8 years and together 12 years. I had an affair prior to our marriage and 1 a year after we were married. I was entirely at fault, and for almost 5 years have texted/called him when I was going somewhere (even the store), just so he would know where I was. I knew I owed him that. 1 1/2 years ago I met him at a local bar after I got off work, saw a girl following him around, and I got a 'feeling'...told the girl to leave him alone. He said he didn't notice her...flash forward 2 weeks later, and I stopped to see him again, after work while he was running karaoke. His phone went off with a text (we always leave our phones out), I picked it up and saw a text from a girl (turns out it was from the one I told to leave him alone). I asked him about it, and I knew the second he snapped, "What the heck are you doing with my phone?"...he tried to pass it off as someone he worked with, but finally came clean. Of course I blocker her number after I called her and told her what I thought of her. Three weeks after that I found out he, in retribution to my 2nd affair, slept with a girl I knew...this happened right after I came clean, but it took 5 years for me to discover it. While he said it was years ago, it was like it just happened, since I discovered it then. Of course I had words with her. I then watched his text/calling on our cell phone company website. I had gotten over that, then something happened last week. I have to add, our sex life is nil. When he went for his physical in May, he had me pick up a script at the pharmacy. Turns out it was Viagra....he said he felt he needed that (I told him he needed his testosterone leves checked, but he didn't do that). Last week, before I got off work (I work the midnight shift), I text him at 6:40am to see if he needed anything from Walmart as I was stopping to pick up some things. He said he didn't. I was coming home at 8:55am, and was stopped by one of his coworker's gf coming from our home. She said no one could find him...he never showed at the meeting that was at town 20 miles away and was for 7:30am. I checked the house to find his motorcycle gone, so I was going to go the way he would've gone. His coworker got a hold of me and said a manager from another store had come up that way looking for him but didn't see him. So I told him I was going another way he might have gone, but the other manager was going back that way. Just a few minutes later I got a text from the coworker that my husband did show at the meeting but it was over. I left him a vm, and then a text asking where he was. He called me and said he felt the phone vibrate while he was riding (really?) and pulled over to call me. Anyway, he said he got pulled over (he went the way he usually did), for going 70mph in a 50mph and got a verbal warning because he fell back asleep and was running late. My 'gut' didn't fall for that. Personally, I would've called the office to say I was going to be late. Anyway, I started looking at his calls/texts online and noticed a recurring #. I looked it up and it was the bartender where he plays karaoke. He ended up saying they spoke/text because a friend of hers was having problems with a bf, and he was talking to a ex-cop friend of ours for advice. I was away for the weekend and saw he text her 3 more times and when I got home, I blocked her #. I told him he should've respected my wishes...she could've spoken to our cop friend herself. Back to the Viagra. On Monday, I was at the kitchen sink and for whatever reason I picked up the bottle and opened it. There was Excedrin Back & Body pills in it and not the 6 tablets of Viagra. I did speak to him when he got home, and he said he took 2 pills three times when I was off, but we would go out for drinks and they didn't take effect so he was embarassed. The next day we were both off, and something bugged me, so I looked at the bottle (I had thrown it away, but dug it out),and the date was July 15. I was in Alabama the weekend of July 15. I called the pharmacy and they said, yes, it was filled the 2nd time then. Bank records didn't show anything, so he paid cash. Now we aren't rolling in the $, so $127 for 6 pills is a lot for us, and here he got a 2nd bottle! I sat down and said, that I'm sorry the pills he took 3 times (2 ea time) didn't work...he said, 'yes, I tried them three times'...that is when I got up and got the bottle and showed him the July 15 date and what the heck was going on. He then said he actually tried them 6 times (2 ea time), but we would go out and be with our friends and have drinks and they wouldn't work. I asked him why he wouldn't say, 'Hey, I want to try these, let's just stay home and watch a movie, or let's do dinner and I'd like to try them'. Am I being played a fool? I think I am. Now he's wanting marriage therapy, but I really think he was screwing around. Any advice?

I think it's pretty obvious he's screwing around. I mean why in the world would he be going out with friends and looking to see if his viagra worked? To be quite honest I think the two of you are in a toxic relationship. Your two affairs, his revenge affair and now what I believe is another set of affairs. I don't know what counseling is going to do for you except make it clear that you both can't help but to screw around on each other.
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Old 08-15-2012, 11:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I stopped came clean and have been working for 5 years to put our marriage back o track and thought I was doing a darn good job....I made mistakes but thought we worked it out...sorry I even got on this site.
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Old 08-16-2012, 12:45 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Hang in there. You will get support here. Hopefully someone from the Infidelity forum will be along to advise on logistics. But I think you already realize he is cheating and just need the "smoking gun" before you confront. Let us know how it goes.
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Old 08-16-2012, 01:13 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I highly suggest you read up in the infidelity forum on here. There are ways to put pressure on him to stop. He's definitely cheating. It's also pretty clear there are other problems in your marriage. You say you've been working hard, but sex life is nil. No sex makes you both extremely vulnerable to an affair. Which one of you isn't putting out and why?
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Old 08-16-2012, 01:23 AM   #7 (permalink)
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have a moderator move the thread to he infidelity forum. You will get help there.
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Old 08-16-2012, 02:51 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Just from knowing what I am going through, it sounds like he is cheating. It is going to drive you crazy looking into each and everything he is doing and why he is doing it. I am going through that now and it is horrible. Listen to your gut.

You said you were working on making it work. One of the things I think we did wrong was when I found out about my H affair it was 4 years after it happened but we should have gotten the help right then and there. Not try to let it fix itself.

Was he truly sorry for the "revenge" affair he had?
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Old 08-16-2012, 03:17 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sporty01 View Post
I stopped came clean and have been working for 5 years to put our marriage back o track and thought I was doing a darn good job....I made mistakes but thought we worked it out...sorry I even got on this site.
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I'm sorry if I was harsh but you can't ignore the foundation of your relationship. It began with you having an affair right before and right after the marriage. Then a revenge affair over what you did. Now more infidelity rears its ugly head. Clearly they're many unresolved issues in your relationship that need addressing.
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Old 08-16-2012, 04:30 PM   #10 (permalink)
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What help can be offered here? You poisoned your relationship in the beginning. You did things that can never be taken back and set off a chain of events that will be played out like it or not.
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Old 08-16-2012, 05:17 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I read your thread. I wanted to ask why you had an affair on your current husband? A lot of your concerns can be answered from that response. Try and think back to what made you do that.

I have been married for 12 years and at one point in time I always wondered if my husband has cheated on me. I think I will always worry about that.

I recently found a GPS tracking application you can install on your phone. You need a cellphone that has the ability to have GPS. Most new smartphones have them. I installed the app put my husbands cell number and at the touch of a button I can track exactly where he is at. It will show you a map. The service is FREE! Now I know where he is at, at all times and I ever catch him doing something he should be not I'll let him go in a heartbeat.

We are in a similar situation in that he is taking viagra and we don't have as much sex as we use to and it's hard. You have to find the time together. Also, this sneaky crap with the Viagra is not cool. I would try the app Keep your family safe and in sync | Life360 you can check it out online. If you have verizon and have playstore you can search for it there take a look at the site first then check out the mobile app. If you can bust him doing something wrong like cheating then it's time to evaluate your marriage.

I have never found anything to make me think my husband is cheating. You have found weird things happening. Don't doubt your instincts. Don't laugh but try one of those WAR OF THE ROSES RADIO SITES they catch cheaters all the time. Just be prepared with what you are going to do if you confirm that he is a cheat. You both have to establish trust or no amount of marriage counseling is going to count. Best of luck.
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Old 08-16-2012, 05:45 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Turns out it was Viagra....he said he felt he needed that (I told him he needed his testosterone leves checked, but he didn't do that).
Some drugs and hormones directly increase a person's libido. For example, amphetamine can change a person from completely nonsexual to hypersexual as fast as you can snap your fingers. Viagra is NOT one of those drugs. Viagra does not directly increase a person's sex drive; it only allows the body to properly respond to stimulation.


Quote:
I did speak to him when he got home, and he said he took 2 pills three times when I was off, but we would go out for drinks and they didn't take effect so he was embarassed
This is slightly plausible, but replacing the pills with pain killers is a huge red flag IMO. He wouldn't do that unless he was hiding something. You already know he's on viagra, so it's not like saying "it didn't work" would be any more embarassing than admitting his dong is broken and needs viagra. They did work and he's hiding it.


Quote:
Now we aren't rolling in the $, so $127 for 6 pills
wtf?? Is that really what drugs cost in the US? It would be hard for me to enjoy the sex when I know it's that expensive. It would feel like I'm being raped by the drug company. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if it was $20 penis pill used in conjunction with $200 call girl. Then it's only a 10% relative cost increase.

Quote:
Am I being played a fool? I think I am. Now he's wanting marriage therapy, but I really think he was screwing around. Any advice?
Of course he's screwing around.
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Old 08-16-2012, 06:13 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I think this is another case of not getting the answers she wanted to running off. I'm sorry but when you decide to have an affair just prior and then right after the marriage you have set yourself up for a rough ride. It's not an excuse for what he's doing now but blindly playing the innocent victim is no better.
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Old 08-16-2012, 08:04 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I made mistakes but thought we worked it out
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Old 08-17-2012, 01:50 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Not an excuse but to those of you who want to know about why I did what I did in the beginning of my relationship....parents both passed away tragically and I was left to pick up the pieces....looking back (ever hear of 20-20 hindsight?) obviously I could've handled things differently, but I felt alone.....to those of you who cared enough to give me good pieces of advice and concern, thank you.
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