Can someone help me? I met my wife in the summer of 1985. We dated for about 1 1/2 year when she came to me and told me she was pregnaunt. I was scared but happy at the same time because I was having my first child and with a person who I loved very much. We got married on May 2nd 1987. In Sept of that same year my daughter was born. Adaptting to marrige and a new baby was ruff but we managed to get threw it. In 1994 we had our 2nd daughter.Once my first daughter reached the age of 20 ,she started becomming very dificult and disrespectfull to me. She quit college and started to hang around bad people. She moved out and thats when my life changed. Someone told my daughter that I may not be her dad. That my wife was cheating on me when I was dating her and that someone else could be her dad. So she took it upon herself to locate this guy,( a freind of mine) and he did addmit to the afairs. They took a DNA test and discovered that he and not me is her dad. After 21 years of marrige i discover that i am not her father. I am devestated! My wife says she thought it was mine and she did not pursue it any further. I was dupped! It turns out my wife was cheating on me since the day we were dating till almost 3 years after my daughter was born. She confessed to me. She claims that she and her lover never talked or even thought that the baby could have been his and not mine. I do not believe that. There was plenty of times when I was home with my daughter while she was out cheating on me with my daughters true father. She says shes sorry but I am having a hard time dealing with it. Since all this broke out my daughter has been in contact with her newly discovered father and has abanded me. I am hurt because I feel I gave her the world and more. My 2nd daughter is great to me and I have no problems with her. Shes awsome in every way. I believe my wife is remorsfull and repented but I am so hurt. Not a day goes by that I do not think of all the betrayell. In my 22 years of marrige, she has been a great wife for the past 16 years. Other then the betrayell that she did ,I have no complaints of her. But I am so hurt by it all that I do not no how to continue in this marrige. Note: I have never cheated on her! Its hard for me to leave her because I feel she is really sorry for whatshe did and I still feel I love her. But I can not stop thinking of the betrayell before my marrige and to have continued to cheat almost 3 years after. I do not think I can ever forget this and it hurts on a daily bases. I do not want it to afect my 2nd daughter who I love very much. She is aware of everything and she says that what ever my desicion is, she will support. I feel dupped and I am in pain. A part of me says divorce her and another says forgive and forget. But it is very hard to forgive and to forget. Please help.
Look at it this way. If your wife now treats you well, why bother to break it up only to end up with someone less pleasant. Your pride is hurt, but she does sound genuine remorseful. The part about not realising the kid could be his seems strange, but perhaps they always used contraception, or did not have sex very often.
What sort of women is your wife now? Is she kind and loving?
wow im so sorry for what you are going through. i would never forgive my H if he ever did something like that to me. you need to get some counseling. i just hope you remember that although your daughter is estranged right now, she has a lot going on for her too, and she will come around. she's just confused and has some growing pains to go through. there's a lot of time for healing your relationship with your daughter. just give her her space and let her come back around on her terms.
My wife is very loving and caring for the past 16 years. But she defitnitly was having unprotected sex and for many years before and after my marrigge. I have been with her a total of 24 years. She stop the affair with the true father of my daughter 17 years ago. Her cheating was no accident. And now I find that the baby was never mine. Its killing me inside. I love her but I hate what she did to me. I have been going to a therapist but it has not helped. The hurt is huge.
The marriage you had is no longer the marriage you have. You will either have a new marriage or no marriage. The woman you love now is not the woman you loved. you will have to love her like a new woman. There is only one choice. Go or stay. It is entirely up to what you can or can't live with.
It is a very difficult decision. It would be easy if she remained a cheater. But apparently she changed. My only advice is, make her take a polygraph to insure that she is no longer lying to you. Then make your decision.
The marriage you had is no longer the marriage you have. You will either have a new marriage or no marriage. The woman you love now is not the woman you loved. you will have to love her like a new woman. There is only one choice. Go or stay. It is entirely up to what you can or can't live with.
You almost got it right. The marriage you thought you had never was. The woman you thought you loved never existed.
If you are to stay with the woman that she really is, then you have to get to know her.
I feel sad for you and your eldest daughter. See, she is your daughter despite the tragic circumstances of her beginning.
If you bonded to her and she to you then you have to put aside your wounded pride and fight to retrieve her. She is likely as upset as you are. UNLESS your wife told her of her parentage a long time ago in secret.
Something I doubt. Many pregnant women (at least 10%) have children by lovers other than their husbands while married.
A sad statistic, but there it is.
Your wife is a piece of work. be careful in getting to know her. Her capacity for deceit is pretty evolved.
I agree she is still your daughter not his. You raised her and gave her your values. I am so sorry your wife cheated but the truth is the world has allot of cheaters in it. I believe God put all kinds of people on this planet because from every relationship we grow from them. Dont be scared of the choices you are faced with at this point in life. No matter what choice you make no one gets out alive anyways. You can run from this problem and make a new life and start over or you can deal with the cards in front of you and play them the best you can. I a firm believer that God wants us to play with the cards we are dealt. We were not given a fair planet. Bad things happen to good people. The question is do you have enough love in you to accept what you have been delt?
check out this book it may help you it sure helped me!
My daughter calls her sperm doner dad when she needs something and has not seen or contacted me in over 3 months. To me thats low. I have done nothing but spoil her since the day she was born. She totaly threw me under the bus! As for my wife, she continues to express how sorry she is and please give her another chance. She says that what she did was years ago and that she is totaly repentive for what she did. She cries alot and I feel bad for her. There is a part of me that wants to walk away from this marrige but there is also a part of me that does not want to hurt her. And I know that if I do Divorce her she will be hurt and devestated. Almost all my life with her I worry more about her feelings then my own. I love her but I feel so hurt and depressed that I just do not know if I should stay or go.
give your oldest daughter time, she needs time and she will come around, just try and love her when she is around. She feels betrayed and hurt, it is misdirected at you, she will come back.
It is up to you to forgive your wife, no one else can do this.
What about your youngest daughter, did you get a DNA test for her? I would.
I think you should do what is best for the youngest daughter.
You need space. Is there a friend or someone in your family you can stay with? A separation for a period of time so you can gain some perspective? Don't chase your daughter she may not call for months. My son is my son, and he copped an attitude and didn't call me for 6 months. His mother freaked. But since then she gained a new perspective of her son and realizes that kids can be very manipulative like anyone else. Your daughter is looking for some kind of payout or wants to use her bio against you. Sorry to say, but your daughter is heartless. You may have to adjust your expectation of her.
You need some time away from your wife to let the hurt settle and make an intelligent decision about all of this. You are in too much pain to decide whether to stay or end it this marriage. She also needs to see and feel how this continued deception completely destroyed your life up to this point. Notice I say "up to this point", because now your life starts anew.
I think in this situation a seperation is in order. One, to give you time to heal, and two to give you a new perception on things.
Since this happened long ago, and she is no longer involved in this, or any other affairs, then I don't think it really matters if you or your wife moves out. But one of you should.
If you haven't began counseling, then do so. Both you and your wife need IC and joint MC.
In any repect, whether you decide to stay married, or divorce, your first thoughts should be of YOU. Do what's best for YOU, not your wife, not your "daughter".
Good luck and God bless
Yes I tried counsoling but It has not worked. As far as my youngest daughter. Yes I had a DNA test and she is mine. Thank you to all of you who have been responding to my issues. Below I am going to share a letter I wrote yesterday: This is my life.
My feelings after discovering my first child was not mine.
I felt hurt, betrayed, confused, lost, scared, angry, mad, disappointed, disgusted, duped, deceived, and, suicidal. I have since recovered from my suicidal thoughts thanks to my daughter Dee who I love so much and has made me see life in a different way. I will never let her down! People who do a stupid thing like that are selfish people with no feelings but their own. I have never had a selfish bone in my body! Now that I got that out of my mind, I am still dealing with the rest of my feelings. I feel so hurt to know that my wife was cheating on me while we were going out and engaged. I thought I found the nicest girl in the planet. Little did I know she was not. She was having a sexual affair with another guy while being my girlfriend. She became pregnant and came to me with the news. As she was telling me the news that she was pregnant while crying , I comforted her and told her not to worry that I would support her in every way and that we could get married earlier than planned so that the baby could be born in the marriage. I stepped up to the plate not knowing that she was having sex with another man for the longest time. She did not come clean with that fact. She made a selfish decision to keep quiet about her affair. She should have known the possibilities that I could not have been the father of that baby that was growing in her body. Mean while me not knowing who I truly was involved with , I was scared and happy that I was having my first child with a person I truly loved. I confronted her parents about her being pregnant and I took everything on the chin from them. I took full responsibility for what I thought was my mistake. I loved her. We got married on May 2nd 1987. I struggled big time before the wedding to get the apartment and furnisher due to the fact that I was tight with money. But I did it. When we got married, we went to our own place. The baby was born in Sept, 25 1987. It’s a Girl! At the beginning of our marriage it was ruff. My wife and I had different ways of thinking so we argued a lot. But threw it all, I loved that woman. Little did I know she continued to have an affair with the same guy even after my marriage and after the baby was born. It turns out she continued to have sex with this guy for the next couple of years after the birth of my daughter. She claims that she never spoke to this guy of the possibility of this baby being his and not mines even though they were the only one who knew of the sex they were having. She tells me she had no feelings for this guy and that’s why she thought the baby was mine. She’s having sex with this guy before and during my marriage for a couple of years but she has no feelings? I DO NOT believe that for one second! The following years were ruff but we managed to stay together. Now looking back I believe the fact that she did not love or respect me had a lot to do with our arguments. I thought it was just getting use to each other the reason for our arguments. Not So! Fast forward to 1994 and now we are having our second child. It’s a Girl! I am the happiest man on the planet! I can say that after the birth of Dee, my relationship with my wife became great. From that time till 2008 I have no complaints of my marriage. Little did I know a BOMB SHELL was about to explode! In July, 2008 my first child moved out of my house in a disgruntled way. She had a problem with rules, guidance and respect towards me, her dad. While she was out on her own she must have been talking about how bad of a father I am (her opinion) to her to friends and that’s when her so called friend told her that I might not be her father. That there was a rumor that my wife was cheating on me when we were going out and that someone else could be her father. My so called daughter who now is 20 years old took that rumor and investigated it. It turns out the rumor was true. I WAS NOT HER FATHER. I never knew anything! My disgruntled daughter could not wait to give us the news. She came over my home with my wife. I was outside washing my car when my wife says we have to talk. Something very serious with my daughter has to be discussed. The first thing that came to my mind was that she probably is pregnant. Boy was I wrong. They took me inside the house and told me that my daughter had a DNA test that revealed that I was not her father. What a Shock! Mind you that I have been battling depression for over a year due to the sudden death of my father. It turns out my wife was cheating on me for years with the same guy. Even after my marriage. There were times when I was home taking care of our daughter while she was out cheating on me with my daughter’s real father. Now I move to where I am now. I have always loved my wife even today! But I have so much pain and hurt in my heart that I do not know how to continue. I love her but I cannot seem to remove the hurt and pain I Feel. I know and believe that she is truly sorry and remorseful for what she did to me. I try to convince myself that I can forgive and forget but till this day it has not happened. There are some days that I feel good and happy and there are some days that I am sad and unhappy. My so called daughter has taken a turn for the worst and has been making the healing process difficult. She has been in touch with her new found father and has totally abandoned me. I will never accept her having communication with her new found father when he has been nothing to her all her life. She claims that I am her dad and that no man can ever replace me. But that’s all talk. I know for a fact that she has been in contact with him and that is a knife in my heart! Now the big difficulty that I have is that every time I hear or see my so called daughter; I envision the affair my wife was having with this guy. When I see her I see my wife with the other guy. I cannot seem to get that out of my mind no matter how much I try. Deep in my heart I wish I could move on like my wife says but it is easier said than done. What has been keeping me together with my wife is the fact that I still deeply love her. But I do not know if love alone can ever make me forgive and forget what has been done to me. God Help Us!
Can the love I feel for my wife out power what the betrayal she committed on me?
I have to admit that I have not read most of the comments to your posting. Why? I would rather respond from my heart without being swayed by what the others have written.
I agree with the one post to a point: You must find a way to get beyond your pride and remember why you chose to love this woman in the beginning of your relationship. If you do still love her, the two of you must start again & this may mean to seperate for a short while to gather thoughts and emotions so you can reconnect and go forward. If she has been a good wife for 16 years, the next 16 may be even better. We must learn that while life is complicated, it is also as simple as a heart-felt, true & honest appology and acceptance. Until you can manage to forgive her from your heart (and empty your head) allow yourself time to heal. I wish you both all the best!
Painfull discovery 
Re: Painfull discovery 
