Just caught him cheating, don't know what to do from here
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-03-2009, 09:48 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Just caught him cheating, don't know what to do from here

I never thought I would have to visit a forum like this. But I need some serious advice and I know ultimatly I will be the one that has to make my own decisions.

My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married for 10. We have 2 beautiful children. An incident that occured last week made me "snoop" into his cell phone records. I asked him about the numerous cell phone numbers he was texting and of course he said they were all just friends. (1600 text messages with one month) Then one day I decided to look up who all the phone numbers were. Some were guys, some were girls. Well I started texting the girls numbers acting like I was my husband. With all this I confronted him and I was shocked to find out that he had 2 seperate affairs that I know of. Meetups at lunch time and on different occasions. There may have been more, but at this point I'm soooo tired to even keep blowing my mind about everything. He claims there were only 2. I also think that he was having "emontional" affairs with others, but at this point I don't even care if that is considered cheating, because in my book once you screw someone else, you cheated. Anyhow, I don't know what to do from here. I love(d) this man with my whole heart and trusted him 100%, something that I don't know if I can ever regain. My whole world has been crushed in less than a week. He states that he didn't feel we communicated alot for the past couple of years even though I knew we didn't like we used to because of life's stresses, but I never in a million years thought he would do this to our family. I can't talk to any of my friends because they are all mutual friends and the rest of my family would be crushed. Honestly, I think our friends and family think we are the perfect couple and so did I us until last week. I told him I wanted to go to consiling and then figure out what I want to do from there. Of course he said he would never do it again and he just wants us to be like we used to be. I just don't know what I want. I believe that once a cheater, always a cheater and I can't go on living my life wondering what he is doing when we aren't together. Please give me your thoughts...
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Old 05-03-2009, 10:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just caught him cheating, don't know what to do from here

So sorry you and your family are having to go thru this. I really know how hard it is. After what I've been going thru over the past three years, I now take a very hard line when cheating is the problem. There is NO excuse for cheating. NONE! Now that you have "nailed" him with the crime, what are you going to do? Do you want to try to salvage your marriage or end it?

If you hope to salvage your marriage, you have got your work cut out for you! It requires a huge effort on both sides. You will probably need counseling. Then, he has got to want to change. In addition, he will have to live a transparent life--no more secrets. He will have to EARN your trust again. While some marriages can survive adultry, most can't. People who cheat tend to repeat that--my counselor says statistics bare this out.

My advice to you is to decide now. Don't let this rock on. If you decide to work on your marriage, get firm! Don't let emotions get in your way. And just for the record, I wouldn't hide what he did from others. I hid what my husband did for a couple of years. I wished I had told everyone then. He was the one who cheated, but yet I'm the one who has dearly paid the price. I would have had much more support if I had told everyone when I found out. Keeping such a thing bottled up ends up hurting you!

Good luck and welcome to the forum.
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Old 05-03-2009, 11:05 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just caught him cheating, don't know what to do from here

Don't take this laying down. This is serious. You need to demand the full truth from him. He carried on multiple affairs. Don't down play this at all or he WILL do it again. Make is clear that this behavior is not tolerated.

Give a little more info, and you will get better advice. Like when did all of this take place? Where were the girls from, and when/where did he meet up with them.

Take a strong stance on this...your thread does not convey the hurt you must be feeling. He needs to know exactly what this has done to you. My husband cheated on me and it was completely devastating. We are 7 months post affair, and I am still hurt beyond belief by it. My anger has subsided, but small things trigger memories and I do not hide my hurt at all. My husband needs to know what this affair did to me. He was married previously and (long story) but he cheated on her a couple of times. He said that each time she found out, she was upset for a couple of days and then things went back to normal. I reacted completely different to the affair, and things have not and will not go back to "normal". I demand an even better marriage than what I thought we had pre-affair. And I have made it very clear to him that this IS his ONE and ONLY chance. Like I said, don't make this less than it is. Take a stand and don't settle for less.
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Old 05-04-2009, 10:00 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just caught him cheating, don't know what to do from here

I found out he was texting...ALOT..never had any suspictions because he rarly goes out without me. Found out he was meeting up at lunch time with one girl. They fooled around but I guess never went all the way. I texted her and acted like I was him and she told him the rules..she won't go all the way with a married man, but yet would do just about anything else.anyways, this went on according to her for approx. 2 1/2years. She said that they met up 4-5 times, but not within the at least the last 5 months. He even exposed our children to her! The other one I found out about he supposidly had 2 meetings with her. Once they met up at lunch and he got head then on another occasion while I was at the park all day with the kids, they rented a hotel room and did just about everything under the sun..supposidly this was last summer 2008..still keeps texting her once in awhile, but the one who he has had the affair with for over 2 years (even though he says it wasn't that long, but I'm sick of the lies), he texts all the time to see if she has "changed her mind" while I'm at work and he is home with the kids.

Then I found out from the other numbers he was texting were old friends he went to school with. These friends were girls that he went to school with and he was discussing our realtionship with them daily..my main problem is why he didn't come to me. He says we never had time to talk. I admit but will never blame our children, it is hard to talk in a house with small children running around, but if he felt this way he could have made time, a date or even TEXTED me!!! I do look back now and there were small comments made how we never have sex anymore, we can't talk...I do admit I prob. didn't give him sex on a weekly basis, but I'm a mom who is stressed with daily activities..but I do NOT believe it was a reason to cheat. I told him that I would have rather him been drunk one night and had a one night stand and never see or talk to them again and realize what he did was wrong. All he has said is that he is sorry and that he messed up and want's things to be back to normal. I honestly don't think he is very sincere about being sorry...I feel that he is sorry that he got caught. Sorry this is so long
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Old 05-04-2009, 10:19 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just caught him cheating, don't know what to do from here

I just found this quote on another thread and have printed it out to look at for the next couple of days as I decide what I want to do with my situation..thanks Deejo!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deejo View Post
There just comes a point where it doesn't matter what they did, what they said or didn't say. It's how you choose to handle what you know, or think you know and what it costs you emotionally. No person is worth sacrificing your own self-respect over, especially if they aren't showing you any respect.
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Old 05-05-2009, 08:27 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just caught him cheating, don't know what to do from here

He is still contacting these girls via texts?!

If so then you are almost condoning it by not giving an ultimatum saying if he contacts them IN ANY WAY then he's OUT!
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Old 05-05-2009, 09:37 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just caught him cheating, don't know what to do from here

Hi I am very sorry this has happened to you and I know the hurt it causes. It is a long road back from infidelity and I can tell you it is not an easy path. You have to decide what you want to do at this point because you are now at a fork in the road and you have to choose which way to travel. One fork requires forgiveness and healing. The other will require the break up and divorce. Neither road is a easy road. I chose the road back to my marriage but I was the cheater in our marriage. My wife chose to forgive me and it has not been easy for her either. BUT YOU MUST CHOOSE.

Your husband arrived at a fork in the road much earlier. Something was missing in his marriage and from your post I think he tried to make you aware of it. He was saying according to you that he was unhappy with the sex life. Now some of you may not like this but you had him in a trap so to speak. He aggreed to be faithful to you with the understanding that you will provide all his needs for sexual activity. I dont think some woman understand how huge a desire it is for a man to have a active sex life. I have even compared a mens need for sex is like a womans desire for chocolate lol. So your man has a huge desire for sexual intimacy, Kids come along and that sexual desire drops off in a woman. She has lots of things now that require her attention and energy. Remember most woman do not have the same need for sexual intimacy a man has. She can put sex at the bottom or her need list. It remains at the top of his list. As a matter of fact when kids come along he even requires it more because in my case the wife shows more attention to the kids and there needs than his needs. I went from the top of her list to the bottom in about 5 years after kids were born.

Sex to a man comfirms he is still desired by his wife. So if the woman begins to focus her attention on the kids, his needing for sex actually increases while for her it is decreasing because of all the work that comes from having kids. So I ask the ladies if he indicates that he misses the sexual attention he is needing and it is not addressed and it is a true need for him. What does a faithful man do? He wants/needs to feel desired in his marriage and can not get it from his own wife. She fails to recognize how much he needs that sexual desire. Is he not trapped and comes to a fork in the road? He must decide to either ignore this HUGE desire for sexual intimacy or cross the tracks on find it on the other side.

I once tried to get my wife to understand it like this. She loves chocolate and tells me at times it is almost a need for her during certian times of the month. I told her I know she can avoid it if it is not in the house or around her, but could she avoid it if there was a huge bowl full of hershey kisses on her weakest day and no one was around to see her take a piece. Now what if her friends even sent her chocolate all the time. How easy it is to find sex on the internet these days.

Ladies the internet which can be a pipe line for sex is connected to your husbands desires. Do not miss judge how powerful that can be to him.

If interested to reading the other side of a cheater look at my post the way back from infidelity. If you want an opinion from the other side you can leave me a post there.

I am sorry I cheated and the damage I did to my wife. I wish I had more self control because I under estimated the damage I was doing to the woman I love. I fed my own selfish desires.

Sorry I am not a great writer and I am horrible at spelling. I have a learning disorder so forgive me but I thought this might help as the other point of view.

Last edited by Happyquest; 05-05-2009 at 09:42 AM.
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Old 05-05-2009, 10:12 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just caught him cheating, don't know what to do from here

I am sorry that happened to you. I know you are hurting and all mixed up right now. I think counseling is a great idea. Also I agree with you on emotional affairs. I was married for 19 years to a wonderful man. but when this married woman started to call my husband back in 2004 a couple times a week he started acting distant . I had confronted him and her and thought it had stopped. But This woman then started calling my husband 6 days a week and he did not tell me. My husband would lie and tell me he does not talk to her when ask. But I suspected she was still calling him. my husband began treating me different and started being angry and depressed. I was right, I found out that she is still talking to him currently. Now my husband has moved out and dating and sleeping with her. Emotional affairs are just as bad as physical affairs. I watched my husband go from a responsible husband and father to an irresponsible stranger. If any of these affairs are serious, you can get a lawyer and supeana phone records. the only thing that you have to do is file an alienation law suit, the phone records will be enough proof. Be smart and make sure you know where you stand financially. makes copies of everything and install software key logger on your computer. This way you will know if he is being honest with you. I had to learn all this the hard way. I could not get my husband to counseling. because the other woman was on the other side brainwashing him. you need to be be prepared. You should not have to live like that not knowing what your husband is doing. if he loves you he will go to counseling and he will make a commitment to you. things should get better if they don't, don't waste the next two years of your life hoping you can change or fix him. The only person you can change is you. I hope things get better.
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Old 05-05-2009, 10:49 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just caught him cheating, don't know what to do from here

Happyguest,

While I don't think there is ever a good reason to cheat (I would divorce first), you definitely show some GREAT insight into how many of these affairs start.

I've been lucky in that in 9.5 years my wife has never "cut me off" so to speak. We have 3 boys that are pretty young (7, 5, and 2) and we have never gone long without sex (except when I travel for work).

However, if she ever cut me off, I would go crazy. There is no other way to describe it other than crazy.
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Old 05-05-2009, 02:53 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just caught him cheating, don't know what to do from here

I was never cut off but it was about 2 times a month for a long while. Good news is now that things are better it is about 3-4 times a week and she is the one that starts it 60% of the time. She also started wearing sexy things to bed
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Old 05-05-2009, 10:13 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just caught him cheating, don't know what to do from here

Sad that you take vows to be commited to each other but the man is the only one that thinks sex is the most important thing. Does the man look at what the wife is providing as far as taking care of HIS children that he helped produce and everyting else that she does for him EXCEPT SEX? Not saying that I didn't provide the last thing, but do you men realize what you are putting on the line by having an affair to the person who you committed to?
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Old 05-08-2009, 02:58 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just caught him cheating, don't know what to do from here

My husband had an affair with a co-worker for three years! Everyone on the job knew it was going on & no one said a word. Since I no longer worked there and had grown distant with the others, there was no way to alert me, anyhow... Now the "kiddy" has meowed. She still works there and knows that I am aware. He is scared to death to loose his job & family over a sidepiece & is more of a husband now, than in the beginning. He no longer has anyone willing to cover for his deeds & they all know I am ready to have them all called out to upper management. Ah... they work for a Christian Org.! Some Christians, huh?! My question to you is this...what do you want for YOURSELF? Do you want him or your freedom? We were having MAJOR problems before the affair, the affair just added to what was going on at the time (I believe, to get even for being too busy to pay attention to his every need). What else is happening under your roof that is not being addressed or is he just a player & a cheat? I was wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, banker, lawyer, coach, home repair maintanience woman, car dealer, mailperson, church deaconess, dog groomer...(etc)., and all he did was eat, sleep, watch sports & go to work - and cheat! NOW we have become equal partners and I ain't giving any slack! I know where he is at all times etc. Listen, some PEOPLE need structure. Without guidance, they become side tracked and any interested party may want to play 'pick up'. Are you ready to just hand your H to another W or are you willing to fight for you family? IS HE WORTH YOUR TIME OR NOT - point blank!

Last edited by Private Eye Wife; 05-08-2009 at 03:08 PM.
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Old 02-16-2011, 10:45 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just caught him cheating, don't know what to do from here

As my name states, I have been burned twice by infidelity. The first time was my high school sweet heart and love i was going to marry 25 years ago. The next, was my husband just since October. We have been married for 16 years and two children 13, and 15. I am absolutely disgusted with men and relationships at this point and wonder whether men can be monogamous or not. I have a lawyer on retainer but in my state in order to get permanent alimony, you need to be married for 17 years. I am back in school to take care of myself. I went back initially to take care of the family because he was recently diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, but now it will be there to take of #1 me now and my kids. I think our biggest problem, as women, is that we let men do these things and they get away with it. They cross the line and apologize afterwards, and then like you said, they want to go back to normal after it is all over. He has decided to go to therapy for me but my feeling have not and will not change. In my opinion, men like this don’t change. What precipitated the action will always be there. Well, for one thing, the view is quite different from each vantage point. What was ecstasy and an aphrodisiac for him was a crime of the highest proportions in marital betrayal. See the difference? How can they see it any other way? I guarantee they were not thinking one iota about us when they were in the heat of passion. I am at the point of being ok with being alone and maybe consider being a cougar after the divorce is final. I doubt I’ll ever commit to a man again. It’s really not worth it. I’ve pretty much had it!!
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