I met my husband on the net nearly four years ago now. We were married just less than a year ago. I love my husband so very dearly... he is my best friend, I trust him, and he supports me. However, I feel no sexual desire towards him. I am an extremely intimate, sexual, passionate person... this is so confusing for me...
I had been pressuring myself sexually with my husband since before we were married. I was never in the mood, and couldn't understand why as I always used to be. I would try to trick my body into being in the mood and I would feel physical pain in my abdomen while trying to get myself in the mood to be with him. On our honeymoon we had sex twice and it wasn't any good. I don't like kissing my husband unless it is a peck. I'll hug him but I don't like touching him much more than that.
Just about a month ago... I started looking around for a man to talk to... to tease... to find my sexuality again. I found someone, and it did everything I wanted it to... but then we decided to meet. His touch felt like everything I could have imagined and ten times more. I never could climax from penetration before and now I always can. I love being in his arms and touching his body. I love kissing and exploring. I understand some of this is because it is new. But I think it is more.
Within a few days of sleeping with my new partner, I asked my husband for divorce. He went away for a while and I was sure divorce was necessary. I have not told my husband about the infidelity. After about a month away I started to get so terrified by the thought of being alone, about being able to afford our apartment on my own. It just might not be possible even if my husband has been on unemployment for over a year. I also miss him. Miss talking to him, having him everywhere I go, having his support and love. In any case he came home, gave me the ultimatum of...
1) he leaves again and we're doing the divorce, 2) he stays and I have some more time to decide if I want to work on things or, 3) he stays and we work on things.
I immediately took 1-the divorce, immediately off the table. He keeps asking me why I don't love him enough to at least seek the professional help and see if we can make our marriage work. And I just can't think of a good reason, except that I don't know if I can give this other man up. I know I am being so selfish, but I feel so divided between my heart and my body...
I want it to work... but I feel like I've been fighting my sexuality for nearly four years now trying to make myself sexually interested in someone I'm not. He deserves beter, especially now that I've cheated... What should I do? Should I tell my husband that I've cheated? I really want to spare him any extra pain.
Why not confess. You have used your husband up to now. Used him for support, used him to love you, used him in every way. You have taken throughout your whole relationship and now that you spread your legs for someone else (because after all you are "an extremely intimate, sexual, passionate person") YOU have taken divorce off the table. I've heard more selfish posters b4, I just can't remember when. You need to let him go find someone who doesn't gag when she makes love to him. And you need to go be that "extremely intimate, sexual, passionate person". YOU NEED TO PUT DIVORCE BACK ON THE TABLE. YOU ARE A USER AND A TAKER. CUT THE GUY SOME SLACK AND LET HIM GO. HE DESERVES BETTER THEN THIS. AND HE DESERVES BETTER THEN YOU.
Yes I think you should confess. There is no way to make your marriage work with that hanging over your head. He needs to know why you have been acting the way you have. I will tell you that my wife has had a difficult time finding her sexuality. We are doing some things that are not conventional, but they work for us. You can find your sexuality and have a good marriage if you are both open, understanding and honest. You have not been open or honest. You need to put everything on the table now and let him decide if he wants to work things out.
I disagree, if you want to stay in the marriage, then end the affair, say nothing and work on your marraige and a way to find intimacy with your husband. Go to counseling, couples and by yourself and find the reasons why you feel like you do and try to figure out ways to change that and see if you can find the passion with your husband.
It serves no purpose to tell your husband of the affair except to unburden yourself and to destroy him even more than you have by being cold, unfeeling and unloving.
No need to emasculate him even further...if you don't want to stay in the marriage then go, make an exit plan and go. Either way, keep your mouth shut about the other man...
"you want to stay in a relationship cause you are scared to pay things on your own"
- no, that is not the reason I want to stay in the relationship. I have been paying mainly for everything on my own since he has been unemployed for over a year. I'm just saying It adds to my fears of being alone. My reasons for staying would be out of love... for my best friend.
I think you should confess. When my husband ended our marriage, he gave me a lot of excuses....none of which really made sense. I was devastated and could not understand why our marriage was ending so it was very hard to except. When I found out the real reason our marriage was ending (another woman) it was much easier to except....and did less psychological damage to me. At first I was blaming myself for the marriage ending, but when I found out about the other woman, I no longer blamed myself....as I then knew it was his issue.
Tell him...it's the closest thing you can do to making a correct choice right now.
"At first I was blaming myself for the marriage ending, but when I found out about the other woman, I no longer blamed myself....as I then knew it was his issue."
See, that is wrong thinking...there are reasons people cheat, there are drivers beyond sex that cause infidelity...everyone wants to lump blame on the cheater or the OW, OM but that's unfair.
There had to be problems in the marriage, something missing, something lacking...no one is blameless, not the victim spouse nor the cheater...both are to blame, it's just to what degree.
We all become complacent in our relationships, take our spouse for granted at times, get too self-involved and self-absorbed, stressed out, too busy, not so willing to do things as when dating or first married (yes, even sexually here)...it's just what you do about those issues that defines a marriage. Some people cheat, others wake up and correct the problems...then still some people sit around and say they did nothing wrong.
You just described my ex. Reading your post was downright creepy. We started having sexual issues once she felt secure. When we were dating, and maybe even more importantly, she was unsure about how secure our relationship was, the sex was absolutely off-the-hook. And oddly, as you point out in your post, I was the first guy that she consistently reached climax with during intercourse. Once we were a ‘respectable’ couple that set her on a course of becoming a wife, and mother, everything changed.
She went from being incredibly sensual and adventurous, to feeling anxiety, physical discomfort, and emotionally confused. She has issues with abandonment, self-esteem, and tremendous issues with her adoptive mother. Her mother used to call her ‘s1u+’ and ‘hoar’ when she was in college – apparently in an effort to make her focus on her studies instead of socializing.
At the point where we were separating, supposedly to gain space to work on our marriage, (I got fed up with being tolerant of many issues, sex included) she started an affair. And guess what? She rediscovered her blazing sexuality. And once again, she is in a ‘forbidden’ relationship, with an extremely uncertain future.
So, once again, in a similar manner as you describe, my ex wanted the security that I represent for maintaining the stability of the family, while having a boyfriend that meets her emotional and sexual needs. She's a mess. I pity her. But it's her mess. She earned it.
Unlike what you describe, she was always able to climax with me when we were intimate throughout the marriage. Once she had, and I’m using her own words; “talked herself into it” she would enjoy the encounter. She framed her dysfunction from the position of somehow having to give herself permission to be sexual with her husband.
I applaud your coming forward to share something difficult and unpleasant – of which in no uncertain terms, you are the source. So, you need to address it.
Don’t confess. It accomplishes nothing. It gains you nothing. It certainly doesn’t get him anything.
Confessing isn’t honorable or the right thing to do. If you choose to tell him the whole truth, do so only because you want to burden him with pain, and yourself with guilt and end your marriage in a magnificent train-wreck.
But … let him go. Using the guy with whom the idea of sex nauseates you, as a security blanket while you screw someone else hoping to ‘figure it all out’ is about as low as you can go. You got up the nerve to start a sexual relationship while married. Now muster the nerve to end what is obviously a broken marriage, and figure out what you need to move forward.
Go be happy. Have the decency to allow the man you married to have the same chance.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Re: Should I confess...
Originally Posted by Halo-of-Sorrow
I love my husband so very dearly...
I doubt that. You may need your husband but I seriously doubt you truly love him. You need him for his emotional support, his financial support, his friendship. It shows in your words. Instead of feeling sadness at his loss when he left you felt “terrified” that you might lose the materialistic assets of your life. That doesn’t say love in my book. Someone who loves someone “so very deeply” doesn’t go out and seek out a lover as you did. And you did, with forethought!! Put divorce back on the table and be honest with your husband and yourself.
Preacher: Not my thread, but I will reply this once. It wasn't my fault in any way, shape, or form. And he will tell you that as well. I will not take any fault. You are welcome to read my threads and analyze to your hearts content. Sure a marriage can always use improvement and be better....this problem was his and his alone. When one partner is doing all they can to love the other and be the best person they can be, and the other is completely deceptive....there is not much that can be done. I wasn't ignoring him or his needs....I was communicating my needs and asking the same from him. The bottom line in my story was that he was too ashamed of what was happening to him that he wrote the marriage off without talking to me AT ALL about the problem he was facing. I am a loving person and very open....he could of and should of talked to me instead of secretly sabotaging our marriage. I take no fault.
It really gauls to here you talk about your best friend. Do you have any concept of what that is? You don't betray your best friend. You don't cheat on your best friend. The only reason you don't tell him, is because you want to continue to have "YOUR BEST FRIEND" and do the other guy. You are weak and you're no ones best friend. You don't deserve a best friend. You can ignore my posts, but you can't ignore what you see in the mirror. Tell him and let him see what he has with the blinders off, a low life cheater, who deserves to be alone.
Ya I would really hate to have you as a best friend OH WAIT I did have someone like you as a best friend and she is LONG GONE! I still talk to her to ugh get her to see how AWESOME I am lol and that I am the better person! But I really dont need her in my life she is a loser anyone that could do that to someone is a loser put yourself in his shoes REALLY KARMA IS A BI&%!