Hello, new member to this forum. So I've been with my wife for 12 years, we have a 6-yr old daughter and I would say overall, we've had a strong marriage. Last night we had a small party at the house. Three other couples came over, one of which included my wife's best friend. Needless to say drinks were flowing, and we were playing an adult board game. My wife's best friend's husband wasn't playing and he seemed to be drinking more heavily than the rest of us. My wife was drinking pretty heavily too. Throughout the night, my wife and her friend's husband would leave the room together, often to check on our kids (who were playing in my daughter's room). My wife's best friend would comment about it in a playful manner, and I didn't think much of it (my wife has NEVER given me a reason not to trust her). Well I guess that was naive of me, for I eventually walked by my hallway bathroom (in which the door was closed), and realized I hadn't seen my wife and this guy in a while. I knocked on the bathroom door, and the guy said he was in there. I double checked to see if I could find my wife anywhere, but couldn't. Eventually, I opened the door (which was left unlocked), and there was my wife and this guy making out, his pants off with d#ck in my wife's hand, and my wife's pants pulled to below her buttocks. I broke it up, told all our guests to leave, and my wife passed out after I yelled at her for a few minutes.
So now I obviously have this image in my head of my wife with another guy. I have no doubt that if I had walked in there 5-10 minutes later, I would have seen either oral sex or penetration going on. I am utterly distraught now...I can't sleep, eat or do anything. My wife has spent the day apologizing profusely to me, blaming the alcohol, and begging me not to go the divorce route. I don't want to divorce my wife, and I know this is just a day old, but I don't know how I could be with someone who did this to me, in our home, while I'm here. Not only is the cheating part wrong, but I feel so disrespected and so embarrassed by this. My wife promises that she is happy with me, and I did nothing to drive her towards cheating. She blames the event completely on alcohol. While alcohol is no excuse, I have to admit it was a factor. My wife has promised never to drink again.
So, based on this, what would you all do? Try to work it out, or consider divorce. Like I said, I don't want to divorce her, but how can I stay with someone who does that to me, and has no respect for what we've built together over the last 12 years. If I stay with her, I have to get the image of her and this guy out of my head. How do I do that?
Cool down first. Give yourself a few days to a week or whatever time you need to process this. Do not speak to your wife about the issue unless she brings it up. Basically a 180, this is indeed serious. A possible gateway to spontaneous cheating affairs. No more alcohol amongst friends of any in any circumstance, only if its both of you alone. Do not take up drinking to get through this. Dont rush to trust. She needs to know the seriousness of this mistake. I am appalled that this happened in your house, what gall! Posted via Mobile Device
While what she did was wrong, I do buy her excuse. However there's a huge lack of marital boundaries in your household. Take your time and don't make any rash decisions. In a good/bad way, be relieved that you nipped it in the bud before anything "serious" happened.
I'd be checking her phone and emails etc. Talk to the OM's wife to get her take on it. It may go a lot deeper than last night. How often do those two "hang out" ? Does your wife ever go to her bf's house..as in "i'm just going over to bfs for a bit". of course you'd think nothing of it as she is visiting her friend.
Complexity, can you expand upon what you mean by lack of marital boundaries. Thanks...
Canadian Guy, not sure what "OM" is, but I assume you mean the wife of the guy. She is distraught as well. She and her kids are staying at a friend's house now. Her and I have been texting each other throughout the day. My wife had only gone to their house without me once, and that was 2 weeks ago when I was away for work. According to the OM's wife, there was flirting going on, but there was also a lot of alcohol drunk that night as well. The OM actually called my wife this morning to apologize while I was gone. I did check my wife's phone and noticed the phone number had not been set up as one of her contacts and the conversation lasted less than a minute. So my gut was there was some playful flirting between them, and I think this was the first time it got physical. If you think it could be otherwise, please let me know.
Complexity, can you expand upon what you mean by lack of marital boundaries. Thanks...
Playing adult boardgames with another couple, letting your wife get sh!tfaced and allowing another man to accompany her upstairs (repeatedly) not to mention the (in retrospect) not so innocent flirting.....
Putting those together;horny, drunk and alone isn't gonna end very well.
Complexity, hindsight being what it is, you're absolutely right. But again, my wife never gave me a reason to mistrust her. Lesson certainly learned. Thanks.
Damn dude...sorry to hear that horrible story. Unfortunately, that image is gonna be with you for a long, long time. While I never saw my wife and her xOM together, my imagination - which can sometimes be worse than real life, has played these mind movies for me often since I discovered her 5 year long affair on 3/6.
I agree with Complexity. She might be happy with you but it seems like she pole vaulted over the boundary line...and not just this time. Since they're friends of yours, the "innocent" flirting has probably been there for a while. It might seem like no big deal...I mean, everybody does it, right?! Yes. To a degree.
But booze and flirting is a dangerous combination. Matter of fact, it's how my wife met the xOM. At a party.
And it started with just a kiss.
I'm glad you caught this quickly, though I'm saddened that you had to actually see it with your own two eyes. Read a lot of threads here about infidelity. Some are gonna be worse than yours and others might not seem so bad. Learn.
Also, look for the book "Not Just Friends" and read the "newbie" post at the top of the Infidelity section. Both are a tremendous resource.
Oh...and make sure your wife reads this stuff too. You BOTH need to be fully on board to reconcile.
Playing adult boardgames with another couple, letting your wife get sh!tfaced and allowing another man to accompany her upstairs (repeatedly) not to mention the (in retrospect) no so innocent flirting.....
Putting those together;horny, drunk and alone isn't gonna end very well.
Op
Obviously you were not suspicious enough. Normally thats good, we all feel we should trust our SO. I can't fault you too much there.
However, you should strongly question why your wife so quickly ,even under the influence, so compeletly shed her vows to you, all of her inhibitions, to do this in her own house with you and everyone else present.
As many thought that theor wives gave them no reason, they were wrong, dead wrong. It does seem to be dofferent for your specific case because of the factors and conditions this scenario was set on, but still be weary, do not rush to trust. This is grave infidelity. If she told you she kissed a man its as serious as a fully sexually charged affair. Its infidelity at its core, and now that the forbidden fruit has been tasted you need to kill this brewing addiction of dopamine and keep it at bay forever. It can resurface and overwhelm you in the fuure, this R (reconciliation) must be fulfilled like after any affair. No rug sweeping of anykind! What if you did the same, how would she feel? Being drunk is not an excuse. Posted via Mobile Device
Actually, something just struck me. It probably was a moment of drunken stupidity.
Anyone could have found them, either of their spouses or your children. So perhaps not planned, then?
I've considered that. I know alcohol was a factor, because of how stupidly planned it was. The kids were playing in the room next door, and the bathroom wasn't even locked. I knocked on the door and the OM answered, then it was probably another 10 seconds before I walked in. If they had their wits about them, I would think they would have stopped, especially with the door unlocked, but they were just going at it when I walked in.
I've considered that. I know alcohol was a factor, because of how stupidly planned it was. The kids were playing in the room next door, and the bathroom wasn't even locked. I knocked on the door and the OM answered, then it was probably another 10 seconds before I walked in. If they had their wits about them, I would think they would have stopped, especially with the door unlocked, but they were just going at it when I walked in.
Either that or there is more previous contact than you know. Enough that with a little booze as lube they felt comfortable fooling around. My advice is to tell your wife and OM you accept the apologies and are ready to rug sweep. Then VAR and GPS her car. Keylog her computer and bug her phone. You need to do this even if it occurred just in the manner they said. Why? Because your wife was triggering "new guy" brain chemistry (think natural crack) buzz. She may get to thinking about that and want to go back for more, even while feeling truly remorseful. Your ride is just beginning.
Damn dude...sorry to hear that horrible story. Unfortunately, that image is gonna be with you for a long, long time. While I never saw my wife and her xOM together, my imagination - which can sometimes be worse than real life, has played these mind movies for me often since I discovered her 5 year long affair on 3/6.
I agree with Complexity. She might be happy with you but it seems like she pole vaulted over the boundary line...and not just this time. Since they're friends of yours, the "innocent" flirting has probably been there for a while. It might seem like no big deal...I mean, everybody does it, right?! Yes. To a degree.
But booze and flirting is a dangerous combination. Matter of fact, it's how my wife met the xOM. At a party.
And it started with just a kiss.
I'm glad you caught this quickly, though I'm saddened that you had to actually see it with your own two eyes. Read a lot of threads here about infidelity. Some are gonna be worse than yours and others might not seem so bad. Learn.
Also, look for the book "Not Just Friends" and read the "newbie" post at the top of the Infidelity section. Both are a tremendous resource.
Oh...and make sure your wife reads this stuff too. You BOTH need to be fully on board to reconcile.
Thanks for the input. I figured that image would stick with me. I have to learn to cope with it, because that's going to be a big part of my ability to reconcile.
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Bad night 
