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need mostly Male opinions on this one. but Female opinions fully accepted too

12K views 128 replies 30 participants last post by  somethingelse 
#1 ·
I'll make this as brief as I can...

H has been a serial cheater for years now...and has now promised to stop cheating and start a-new :roll eyes: not that I trust it yet.

But it seems like every time we go out, he sets off this vibe when other women are around, especially ones that are alone...
I can see him almost puff up...and it seems like he's giving these women his "approval" with eye contact.. and he gets really quiet when he does this.

I watch him every time now, and have noticed that while he does this, the woman he does it to, puts a little smirk on her face, or she takes a second look at him after. Then when I ask him "what was that all about" he gets all uncomfortable, and starts getting really jittery..and asks, "what are you talking about"

I asked him one day if he thinks that will help my trust issues about him, and he just tells me he's not doing anything..and I'm just paranoid.

What do you all think?
Do a lot of men do this?
Is it appropriate that a married man does this?
Or am I just paranoid?
 
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#4 ·
I eye women all the time, although I try to be discreet. My wife knows I'm doing it, even when I'm wearing shades. I have a particular tell that she has probably known about since we met. This is behavior is natural to the male. You've probably noticed that he only gets reciprocal looks from some, not all, of the women he eyeballs. The difference between me and your husband is that he's actually on the make, based on previous performance. And the women who respond to him are also on the make. The ones who ignore him are either women of integrity, already have a higher value male, or else are not ovulating.
 
#10 ·
This is the thing.

I never really cared or even noticed for years. Because I knew guys are just stupid like that (no offence) :) It's just now that I'm spent with all the past deception..I can't help but get so angry that he won't keep his eyes just on me.
 
#6 ·
I think it's crap behavior because he's a "serial cheater". Why are you still there with him? Then he says you are paranoid? LOL! HE's been a cad!

I think it's crap behavior that he makes you think he'll stop it just by saying he'll stop it.

I think you have every right to be suspicious and think the worse.
 
#8 ·
Hes scoping her out, and making himself known.

Common bachelor tactic for hooking up.

Make eye contact for a few seconds and see the response. If she turns her back shes not interested, if she smiles or does anything positive take the seat next to her/buy her a drink.

You're not paranoid.

All men still check out chicks even when they're in a relationship, but hes sizing up and letting himself be sized up by another chick.

He ain't that slick about it either.

Hes not gonna go over there and chat her up in front of you, but if he ever sees her again and you're not there he'll have the perfect "hey I've seen you before" excuse to start a conversation.
 
#13 ·
This is my biggest worry. Lately this happens while we are at a certain store we go to. and there's a few cashiers he is always awkward around too. It bothers me so much that I don't even want to go to the store anymore with him. and I feel like punching these women for allowing him to even think he has a chance...
 
#9 ·
I wonder if you could go out with him and have a friend secretly video him doing this. Then show him.

But, he's a cheater at heart. His self value is tied up in how many women he can attract. He does not value being a dedicated husband. IMHO, it's not worth living like this.
 
#15 ·
I've expressed to him how much it hurts me. He has proven too many times to be a caddy husband.

I'm just getting tired of being treated like the third wheel all the time. I want to feel like I'm the only woman he's attracted to and wants to be around. But so far, he has been failing in that department.

He does tell me how beautiful I am (at least to him), and how much he is attracted to me, but what he says quickly dissipates when he looks at other women. I suddenly feel like I'm with a man I don't know
 
#17 ·
My husband was so bad about this, when we were out in public together I felt like I was alone. We'd sit at a booth in a restaurant and I remember watching his eyes the whole time. I don't think he even looked at me..maybe through me.

I started doing it to him..looking at other men..even flirting..just to give him a dose of his own. He knew why I was doing it of course.

I told him I didn't want to go anywhere with him because of it. He is a little better. At least he isn't commenting about them now.

Maybe you should refuse to go out with him until he can pay attention to you instead of every other chick around...
 
#21 ·
Yeah.. that's exactly how I feel sometimes too.. he makes me feel like I'm just a tag along. Even though, there's plenty of men looking at me, however I don't let it get to my head, and I ignore them. I don't even let it become an issue.

I did tell my H to stop it or I would never go shopping with him coincidentally after the last time I caught him being awkward, and he said he would try to make me feel better, but then he said I was being paranoid. I can see through his crap though.

Should I start to put myself "out there" just to show him how awful it feels maybe? I don't want to lower myself to his level though. I just want him to get a grip.
 
#18 ·
What do you all think?
I think it is rude and disrespectful and shows that your husband has no regard for your feelings.

Do a lot of men do this?
all men (and women) look at the opposite sex. only the inconsiderate/insensitive ones make it obvious.

Is it appropriate that a married man does this?
in the manner that your husband does it.... NO

Or am I just paranoid?
nope. your husband is blatantly disrespecting you.
 
#20 ·
I don't believe flirting is 100 percent bad. I think if it can be done respectfully and in front of your spouse, then it can be healthy. Proof of attractiveness, worthiness etc.

But your husband is disrespectful and a serial cheat. Your decision to be with him I know should be obvious, but difficult to follow through with. Stay strong.
 
#23 ·
I have made the decision that if I see a text or a phone call, or some real proof that he is still cheating, then I will have no problem leaving. I have given him this ultimatum. But until then, these little things he does just tick me off. :mad:
 
#25 ·
well..I've tried to tell him throughout our R, that this is not acceptable, and I do not agree with what he is doing.. he hasn't respected that.

However, I have not left because of this one aspect, no.

What kind of boundaries, besides leaving, do you think I should set?

It's kind of like beating a dead horse with him
 
#27 ·
Too many.. can't count

Rewinding back, I was stupid and did not set any boundaries at all because I never even had a thought about it.

I also trusted him WAY too much, gave him way too much lenience, and never questioned his motives.

Time has always ticked on, my feelings had been very hard to hurt the past few years due to many reasons. So it's taken a long time for me to see that I deserve better and that I don't have to take it anymore.

Even two months ago, I still was set in my mind to stay in this marriage through thick and thin. No matter what he decides to do. Out of stubbornness and dedication. But lately my heart has been changing.
 
#33 ·
There is a *big* difference between glancing at an attractive woman/man and seeking eye contact/flirting.

What your husband does is, IMO, outrageous. It is incredibly disrespectful to you and also says a lot about the women flitting with a man clearly with someone else.

If my wife (pre or post her cheating) did that, I would simply walk out and go home.

For your own self respect, please do not tolerate this boorish behaviour.
 
#39 ·
I don't necessarily want to make him change...I know I can't. I want him to want to change, because what he is doing is not only destructive to me and our kids, but to himself. My prayers and hopes are that he will see what he has, and stop thinking with his other "mind"
 
#54 ·
Go into the section you want to post a thread using forums (at the bottom of the new posts) you will see the sections (coping with infidelity, general relationship discussion, etc)

Then near the top of the section you will see forum tools...under that you will find thread starter
 
#52 ·
You have every right to feel as you do! Once that only the element of "suspicion" of betrayal accentuates itself, little to nothing can ever circumvent that. When a spouse comes to suspect infidelity, then that suspicion, much more often than not, is extremely well founded!
 
#56 ·
Hi & welcome.

I was wondering why you stayed with him until later on you posted you have children. That changes everything.

I assuming he is good-looking if random women are responding to him all of the time.

Too bad he has such low self-esteem that he needs constant reminders from random women that he "still has it."

Just to give you another's experience - Both of my husbands NEVER behaved like your husband.

You seem to have a good attitude about his. I guess you have the "no more cheating" thing worked out.
 
#60 ·
Yeah, we do have children, which makes my decisions all the more difficult. He must be as good looking to other women as he is to me, otherwise these women would not be so willing.

However, enough is enough now, and I have my plan of action if he so chooses to cheat again and he can try to find someone who is willing to stay as long as I have..I doubt that is possible though.
 
#61 ·
It bothers me very much. I guess I'm just confirming with others that I am not crazy or just paranoid. That what I am feeling about it is legit. It helps me to feel more secure about my stand on it.
 
#67 ·
Some women don't see a balding, out of shape beer belly, older man. If they think he's got money, all they see is green.

Like Sinbad the comedian said,

You're a 50 year old man, that 20 year old isn't with you because of your looks, she wants your house. You don't see 20 year old girls chasing after a homeless 50 year old guy on the street do you?

And yes OP, miracles do happen, how do you think my wife stayed with me.
 
#68 ·
Note: Plan 1 is only relevant if you really do want to keep him. If you are, however, hoping that he'll cheat to give you the excuse that you need to leave, then you're being dishonest with yourself.

I'm not going to suggest what you should do other than take a hard look at yourself. What do you really want out of this? Then make a plan to get it.
 
#78 ·
I had the opportunity to cheat on my wife. I went to pick up my kids from my EX's house, and she started talking about how she wanted me back, (my wife and I werent married at the time) and tried to kiss me. I pulled back instantly, and the only thought running throuhg my mind was, how am I going to tell my wife. I hadnt done anything wrong, but I still felt guilty because I placed myself in that position in the first place. Now, my LOVE for my wife was greated than my LUST for my EX wife, and that stopped me from cheating. I dont know how in the world a man can cheat on his wife, and put LUST of another woman over LOVE. Love to me is more important, and makes lust better, for your partner. Also, my wife cheated on me with her EX, so Im confused at what to do right now as well. But, if he cheated on you more than once, get out. One time is still not ok but you can justify a major mess up and get past it. Twice is just not acceptable, more than twice and he definitely does not love you.
 
#83 ·
He is the cake eater type. He loves me and he wants me for the rest of our lives. But he doesn't understand fully what loving me is supposed to mean. He doesn't know what true dedication is.
 
#84 ·
He will never stop, he'll be in his 60s and still be cheating and whoever W he is with at the time.

Staying with him is a waste of time and energy; he is screwed up in the head and believes he is justified in cheating and knows he can get away with it. Forgiving one time is one thing but after the second its establish a pattern that he knows he will always be able to talk his way back. He has very little motivation to change.

It’s a catch-22, they only thing that “might” make him stop cheating is a D but if you R he will just end up cheating again (thinking he still has control over you to keep you from leaving for good). You have to decide if its worth staying with a ticking time bomb waiting for the next A to drop.
 
#87 ·
I do have a feeling that he is a ticking time bomb. It has taken me a long time to see who he is, and understand who he is. That's why I have stayed so long.

However, we have children, and they love their dad. If we didn't have kids, I would have been gone for sure the last time he was talking to other women (or more likely before this). But since we do, I can justify staying this last time. To give him that. He will know for sure after this, that he forced me to leave if he cheats again.
 
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