I'm due with our second child in three weeks and just discovered his cyber-cheating
I want to know how I should proceed?
We're not married by choice. I never intended to get married (ever - not just to him) but I feel I still have the same values when it comes to family, monogamy and commitment. Up until this week, I thought he did too. Anyway, this relationship was supposed to be one of permanence. I live in Ontario, Canada. Common law spouses may be entitled to spousal support for up to three years but there is no equal division of net family property. We don't have a cohabitation agreement in place so we'd have to divide our personal property among ourselves. Fortunately, we rent and do not own a house together so that's one less problem if we do split up.
As of right now, the balance of power in our relationship is very one-sided because I am heavily pregnant and have been financially dependent on him over the last year due to a lay off and not finding a job (despite trying) before/during pregnancy. Also, I don't have much family of my own - besides the one we've created together. We have an 8 year old son and have cohabited for 9 years. The only family member I do have a relationship with lives on the other side of the province.
He has been on a few different dating websites since April of this year that I can prove and collected evidence on. He has been contacting other women for intimate encounters. I don't know if he's actually slept with anyone but since this has been going on since April and our sex-life has taken a nose-dive (it's not due to me being big and pregnant - we had sex all throughout my first pregnancy, up until a day before I gave birth), I do think it's quite possible that he has.
To make things even worse, I believe he also has a porn addiction based on what I've found. I thought he just watched a bit of porn (which I'd have no issue with before because I trusted him and our relationship was good). I was way wrong. He has almost 350 gb on an external HDD and it's gotten progressively kinkier/taboo over time. I also discovered paid memberships to porn sites and live web-cam sites so he's heavily into it. After looking at his history, I saw that he visits several sites every day for hours and is on one main dating site messaging girls to meet up every day as well.
I confronted him last night - I did make some mistakes (I should have read here first) in doing so by telling him exactly how I know and what I have on him and he's since deleted it some of the proof (profile details but not the profile itself on one site). That's okay though because I took screen snips of everything I found and even printed out his profile before confronting him. I have not shown him the evidence I have - just told him things and caught him off guard that he could no longer deny.
If he won't work on this, I can't afford to move out on my own. With no job/money of my own coming in, I can't afford/qualify for a loan. As long as I live in the same house with him, I can't get government aid. My friends can only provide me with emotional support but not help to house me. I can barely walk three blocks, I can't imagine moving right now either, even if I did have the money.
I am stuck here because of our son. I would never abandon my children and he is a really good dad and my son is very close to his grandparents, uncles, aunt and cousins here so moving with my son to live with my Aunt is not an option although she did make me an offer to do so. I won't even risk leaving for a little while because that could be interpreted as abandonment and then I could lose custody of our first-born.
I really want to work this out if he is willing to put in the effort. I've read a bit about the 180 on here but don't really see how I can accomplish that right now, granted that I'm having a baby in three weeks and will be BFing so I'll be stuck at home most of the time in the initial months and I don't have any "mom friends" who I can go out/socialize with during the day. I usually work and most of my friends have careers. Also, while he did show some remorse last night, I don't think he fully grasps how horrible this is for me/is truly genuine because twenty minutes after he suggested counseling, he got angry with me for repeating myself on needing him to get off all of the sites and stop this activity now. Then he changed his mind and said it's over.
I'm not sure if he means it or if he was just angry because getting confronted caught him off guard and we talked at length and he had to listen to me for a change or what.
Anyway, I don't know what to do so advice is appreciated. I know people can cheat at any time but being pregnant and finding out sucks! I love him (or who I thought he was) and my family is very important to me so I want it to work but I don't want to sit here and get trampled on by him if he won't change. I don't know how I can get out though. I feel trapped.
Re: I'm due with our second child in three weeks and just discovered his cyber-cheati
I'm sorry that you are going through this. Sometimes life is just not fair.
For the next few days I think you need to just not make any decisions and some things that are good for you.
From what you said, your partner seems to think that he's got the upper hand here so he can push you around verbally/emotionally. So perhaps doing things that make you feel stronger will help you a lot.
What would it take to get you on government assistance? How long does it take? While you might not want to do this right now, knowing how to go about it quickly could make you feel much less vulnerable.
I highly suggest that you get the book "Surviving and Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's a very good resourse for what you are going through. Also look at Plan A and Plan B below in my signature block.
If you have not already read the below, do so that you have a better idea of how to handle the situation are you in now.
You talk about feeling isolated now. Take a look at this site. Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup In my city there are many play groups for mothers of young children to meet up, make freinds with others in the same situation. It might be a good resource for you.
Re: I'm due with our second child in three weeks and just discovered his cyber-cheati
There's an "Ottawa Divorce" forum (Ottawa Divorce .com Forums - Powered by vBulletin), which also has a "common law" section. They help mostly with the legal/practical part of separations and divorces, not the emotional side (as much). And despite the name, they're not Ottawa specific.
Re: I'm due with our second child in three weeks and just discovered his cyber-cheati
Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl
I'm sorry that you are going through this. Sometimes life is just not fair.
For the next few days I think you need to just not make any decisions and some things that are good for you.
From what you said, your partner seems to think that he's got the upper hand here so he can push you around verbally/emotionally. So perhaps doing things that make you feel stronger will help you a lot.
He seems to be angry with me even though he's the one who cheated. He gave me the silent treatment all day yesterday. He began doing renovations on his bedroom (I'm currently sleeping on the couch, previously because it was the most comfortable place for me for support since I have to sleep on my side) and locked up a lot of his things in the garage - which I don't have a key to. I made the mistake of not copying his financial papers before confronting him because he locked those in there as well. I suspect the reno work was a convenient cover for him to be able to get all of his papers/documents out of my reach.
A short walk to the corner store is a struggle for me right now because I'm almost 37 weeks pregnant and as big as a house. He has all the money, I have nothing have nothing unless I ask him for it. My only release is my computer and when my son is home (he's on a sleepover with boyfriend's parents), investing energy into him.
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What would it take to get you on government assistance? How long does it take?
In order to qualify for government assistance, either he or I would have to be out of the house to prove a separation. This house is owned by my father-in-law and my boyfriend has been the only one paying rent since March. I don't have any money to move, the only place I can go is a shelter (if they have the room) and I am not sure about bringing our son there/having a baby while living in a shelter. That, and that he and his family would likely try to stop me from bringing our son there anyhow.
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I highly suggest that you get the book "Surviving and Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's a very good resourse for what you are going through. Also look at Plan A and Plan B below in my signature block.
I will definitely check out these resources. Unfortunately, I'll have to wait on the book until I can walk to the library.
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You talk about feeling isolated now. Take a look at this site. Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup In my city there are many play groups for mothers of young children to meet up, make freinds with others in the same situation. It might be a good resource for you.
Thanks for the reminder about the meetup site. I do think I have an account there but literally no money for transportation or to attend any events but when I am in a better position, I will absolutely keep it in mind. It's a good idea.
Re: I'm due with our second child in three weeks and just discovered his cyber-cheati
Quote:
Originally Posted by PBear
There's an "Ottawa Divorce" forum (Ottawa Divorce .com Forums - Powered by vBulletin), which also has a "common law" section. They help mostly with the legal/practical part of separations and divorces, not the emotional side (as much). And despite the name, they're not Ottawa specific.
Re: I'm due with our second child in three weeks and just discovered his cyber-cheati
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Taken
I want to know how I should proceed?
We're not married by choice....
As of right now, the balance of power in our relationship is very one-sided because I am heavily pregnant....
He has been on a few different dating websites since April of this year that I can prove and collected evidence on....
I confronted him last night - I did make some mistakes (I should have read here first) in doing so by telling him exactly how I know and what I have on him and he's since deleted it some of the proof (profile details but not the profile itself on one site).
If he won't work on this, I can't afford to move out on my own. I can barely walk three blocks, I can't imagine moving right now either, even if I did have the money.
I am stuck here because of our son. I would never abandon my children.
I really want to work this out if he is willing to put in the effort. I feel trapped.
Even though I write about relationships, I am going to reply to your question from my personal experience.
I was married for 26 years and had 3 girls with a man with exactly the same problem as you have with this one. And I also felt so trapped! At the moment you feel like you want to work through it. And what makes it worse is that you are pregnant. But whether you were pregnant or not, he would have done this. Porn addiction is something that, whether you can live with it or not, seems to always lead to other behavior. My ex started getting so busy with his 'online life' and the lying and cheating that followed, that he did not even work or have any income anymore. He used my money that I earned as a teacher to take out other women! It got so bad that he started 'stealing' money from me and got me into severe financial difficulty and I could not understand where the money went.
When I found the porn and all the other evidence, I went through the same backwards and forwards your are going through at the moment. After years of this, I came to a point where I did not shut up about it and told him to shut down the computer and get a job. He could not handle the strength I was now showing and the fact that I did not just accept everything anymore, so he left me. I was devastated but now I see it was the biggest favor anyone has ever done for me in my life. As a Christian I would not have wanted a divorce but his behavior and the separation forced my hand. A year after him leaving me, I got my divorce. Today I am free; remarried to a wonderful man who now has to deal with my hypersensitivity regarding any form of nudity, cheating, porn, etc. His love and care is helping me heal even though I do not know whether I will ever be able to be completely over all the years of mental, emotional and sometimes physical abuse.
And my ex? He got engaged to a much younger girl. Neither of them are working and are now living with our oldest daughter. Like our daughter said, in essence he is now a bum. His fiance has caught him in bed with other girls on more than one occasion and he keeps meeting new ones online. Of course he hides his real self from them. He is very good at looking the part of the successful businessman.
My advice to you? As a woman, I am sure you are much stronger than you think or than you feel at the moment. Unless he goes to some long-term counselling with you (which is not guaranteed to work) he will never stop. Porn and cheating are both addictions just like alcohol. They can usually also not see the negative impact it has on you. For them it is a 'victimless crime', as long as you do not find out. And because you stay, they think you must have gotten over it... Just to do it all again.
Empower yourself. Take your time. Think of your children now. (My children who are all grown-up now, all say I should have left him years ago. I stayed because I thought it was best for them!) Take the time you need after the birth of your baby. Get legal advice, look for another place to live, find a job and daycare for your kids, etc. If you do not want him in your ear all day about it, you can make all your plans without him knowing. Otherwise he will get scared and just manipulate you to stay. Only until the next time he is online and cannot resist the urge to find some porn or dating website again.
I know this might be the last thing you want to hear and I am talking from a place of my own past hurt, but get out. Do not allow him to have power over you and your life for one more day. But like I said, take your time. Just make sure you guard yourself against AIDS (a very real threat to you when he is having sex with women he meets online!) and don't act in haste. Make your plans with a clear and logical plan in mind so you know you do the best for you and your children. I wish the three of you the best.
Re: I'm due with our second child in three weeks and just discovered his cyber-cheati
My husband did similar things to yours. You can read my story thru the link in my signature. When I found out what he was doing, I kicked him out. He has been very remorseful and we are doing well today, over two years later.
If he isn't willing to come clean and get help and become totally transparent, there's no use staying with him.
When I left my first husband, I had a 4 month old and a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I walked out and went to the welfare office. They set me up in low income housing and on daycare subsidies and all that. This was in 1994, I am in Alberta. Today I make a good salary and am completely independent financially. I was on welfare for four years.
Re: I'm due with our second child in three weeks and just discovered his cyber-cheati
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elmarie
Even though I write about relationships, I am going to reply to your question from my personal experience.
I was married for 26 years and had 3 girls with a man with exactly the same problem as you have with this one. And I also felt so trapped! At the moment you feel like you want to work through it. And what makes it worse is that you are pregnant. But whether you were pregnant or not, he would have done this. Porn addiction is something that, whether you can live with it or not, seems to always lead to other behavior. My ex started getting so busy with his 'online life' and the lying and cheating that followed, that he did not even work or have any income anymore. He used my money that I earned as a teacher to take out other women! It got so bad that he started 'stealing' money from me and got me into severe financial difficulty and I could not understand where the money went.
When I found the porn and all the other evidence, I went through the same backwards and forwards your are going through at the moment. After years of this, I came to a point where I did not shut up about it and told him to shut down the computer and get a job. He could not handle the strength I was now showing and the fact that I did not just accept everything anymore, so he left me. I was devastated but now I see it was the biggest favor anyone has ever done for me in my life. As a Christian I would not have wanted a divorce but his behavior and the separation forced my hand. A year after him leaving me, I got my divorce. Today I am free; remarried to a wonderful man who now has to deal with my hypersensitivity regarding any form of nudity, cheating, porn, etc. His love and care is helping me heal even though I do not know whether I will ever be able to be completely over all the years of mental, emotional and sometimes physical abuse.
And my ex? He got engaged to a much younger girl. Neither of them are working and are now living with our oldest daughter. Like our daughter said, in essence he is now a bum. His fiance has caught him in bed with other girls on more than one occasion and he keeps meeting new ones online. Of course he hides his real self from them. He is very good at looking the part of the successful businessman.
My advice to you? As a woman, I am sure you are much stronger than you think or than you feel at the moment. Unless he goes to some long-term counselling with you (which is not guaranteed to work) he will never stop. Porn and cheating are both addictions just like alcohol. They can usually also not see the negative impact it has on you. For them it is a 'victimless crime', as long as you do not find out. And because you stay, they think you must have gotten over it... Just to do it all again.
Empower yourself. Take your time. Think of your children now. (My children who are all grown-up now, all say I should have left him years ago. I stayed because I thought it was best for them!) Take the time you need after the birth of your baby. Get legal advice, look for another place to live, find a job and daycare for your kids, etc. If you do not want him in your ear all day about it, you can make all your plans without him knowing. Otherwise he will get scared and just manipulate you to stay. Only until the next time he is online and cannot resist the urge to find some porn or dating website again.
I know this might be the last thing you want to hear and I am talking from a place of my own past hurt, but get out. Do not allow him to have power over you and your life for one more day. But like I said, take your time. Just make sure you guard yourself against AIDS (a very real threat to you when he is having sex with women he meets online!) and don't act in haste. Make your plans with a clear and logical plan in mind so you know you do the best for you and your children. I wish the three of you the best.
Re: I'm due with our second child in three weeks and just discovered his cyber-cheati
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope1964
My husband did similar things to yours. You can read my story thru the link in my signature. When I found out what he was doing, I kicked him out. He has been very remorseful and we are doing well today, over two years later.
If he isn't willing to come clean and get help and become totally transparent, there's no use staying with him.
When I left my first husband, I had a 4 month old and a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I walked out and went to the welfare office. They set me up in low income housing and on daycare subsidies and all that. This was in 1994, I am in Alberta. Today I make a good salary and am completely independent financially. I was on welfare for four years.
I wish you strength.
I read your story - it is much like mine and gave me some hope. As of right now, he's not remorseful and in complete denial of how big his issues are.
Re: I'm due with our second child in three weeks and just discovered his cyber-cheati
I have semi-good news to share.
He agreed to leave the house and stay at his parents. My FIL is going to let me stay here as long as I need to get on my feet. Of course, I don't want to go on welfare but I have no other choice at the moment so I'll be calling them tomorrow in order to apply. Hopefully, I can get money that I need. Eventually I would like to move out of this house but if I can stay until after Christmas at least then that would give me more time to transition.... I still have to play it by ear though.
Right now, I'm not willing to reconcile because he is so far into denial and playing the victim that he can't see how wrong he is acting or empathize with the hurt he is causing me. I want nothing to do with him unless/until he does.
Re: I'm due with our second child in three weeks and just discovered his cyber-cheati
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Taken
I read your story - it is much like mine and gave me some hope. As of right now, he's nor remorseful and in complete denial of how big his issues are.
he's in the fog of the issue, and hasn't grasped the reality of the severity of his issue. Does his family know of his issues? While he will initially become even more upset it is an option to expose his actions to his family. This isn't snitching this is letting his family know that you need their love and support as you bring another life into this world and that you need your BF by your side willing to support you and work on the relationship.
That exposure to the family will be embarassing to him but it may help snap him out of the fog and really see what he is doing to you and his children.
Re: I'm due with our second child in three weeks and just discovered his cyber-cheati
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope1964
My husband did similar things to yours. You can read my story thru the link in my signature. When I found out what he was doing, I kicked him out. He has been very remorseful and we are doing well today, over two years later.
If he isn't willing to come clean and get help and become totally transparent, there's no use staying with him.
When I left my first husband, I had a 4 month old and a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I walked out and went to the welfare office. They set me up in low income housing and on daycare subsidies and all that. This was in 1994, I am in Alberta. Today I make a good salary and am completely independent financially. I was on welfare for four years.
I wish you strength.
I read your story - it is much like mine and gave me some hope. As of right now, he's nor remorseful and in complete denial of how big his issues are.
Re: I'm due with our second child in three weeks and just discovered his cyber-cheati
Quote:
Originally Posted by StagesOfGrief
he's in the fog of the issue, and hasn't grasped the reality of the severity of his issue. Does his family know of his issues? While he will initially become even more upset it is an option to expose his actions to his family. This isn't snitching this is letting his family know that you need their love and support as you bring another life into this world and that you need your BF by your side willing to support you and work on the relationship.
That exposure to the family will be embarassing to him but it may help snap him out of the fog and really see what he is doing to you and his children.
His family has been in the dark about his issues pretty much forever. I sent them a letter this afternoon and let them know my side of things. I also let him know about it tonight. He came over and was playing the victim some more and being rude to me so I asked him to leave because he wasn't here to talk things out really, just to meet his own agenda. I'm not trying to get him back because I don't want what he has to offer if all he can offer is this.
So long as he's in denial - he told me he doesn't think he needs to see a counselor tonight and is basically fine the way he is, I don't really want him in my life more than he has to be. It hurts to talk to him because he just doesn't care about what he's done (so it seems) and is disrespectful (rolling eyes, laughing, making snide remarks) so I'm going to focus on the baby, healing me, our other son and getting on my own two feet.
I would not trust an instant turn-around in attitude/overnight change to be sincere anyhow.
I would be willing down the road to work things out if he was sincere but he's not so I'm not going to pursue it. My reason for writing the letter was not to be vindictive but because 1) I think my side needs to also be told because he twists the truth and always comes out the victim in his side of things and 2) he's got anxiety and addiction problems that he keeps sweeping under the rug. While he's no longer drinking, he's just swapping one addiction for the other in order to ease his anxiety. I don't think he really could be remorseful so long as he struggles with those issues.
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I'm due with our second child in three weeks and just discovered his cyber-cheating 
