I snooped, discovered he's cheating and he's angry at me?
I am 36 1/2 weeks pregnant with our second child. The first is 8, we've been together 9 years.
I've been asking him if he was cheating for the longest time, for the longest time, he denied it or used an excuse that would make me feel stupid/insecure/guilty for asking.
Anyway, I went through his computer and other things and discovered that he's been cyber-cheating on 4 different dating sites since April of this year (EDITED - messaging other women to have intimate encounters) and is highly addicted to porn:
Almost 350GB of downloaded porn on an external HDD
A paid subscription to a live webcam site that he makes daily visits to
Several burnt DVDs and a few store-bought ones
Internet history showing that he goes on porn sites everyday for hours - all the while spending almost no time with me and our son
Anyway, he put literally all of his things in the garage and then yesterday, moped around like he had nothing to do for entertainment (playing the martyr) saying he couldn't use his computer because he's been hacked and blaming me for being nosy.
After I told him I wouldn't sit here and let him feel victimized and sorry for himself, he ran home to mommy and daddy's house to sleep over. He just came home, grabbed some things from the garage and drove off again. Honestly, I'd prefer it that way even though it'd be nice to have emotional support during my pregnancy but I have been emotionally on a roller coaster and go back and forth between hating his guts and loving him and feeling betrayed to numb so I'd rather he not be here anyhow.
Is it normal for a cheater to get mad at the person they've been cheating on?
Anyone know any articles/advice of what is typical of a cheating spouse after they've been caught?
Re: I snooped, discovered he's cheating and he's angry at me?
Possibly he doesn't see watching porn as cheating? I'm not justifying his actions, but if you don't agree on the definition of the issue, that could explain at least some of his immature attitude.
Re: I snooped, discovered he's cheating and he's angry at me?
Yes, getting caught initially makes them angry, defensive and they don't like it one bit. You just took his drug away and he's mad and will now blame you for it. But don't tolerate it one bit. This is has doing and his fault. He needs to man up and take responsibility for these choices he's made. He may very well be like this for weeks.
Will he have computer access at his parents? Obviously that could be a problem, he will get his fix there and never face his problems or you.
Tell his parents if you have to, he needs help, the more people that know the more that can potentially help him help himself.
Sorry your dealing with this now, especially being pregnant, this has to hurt and stress you out. Do you have friends\family to talk to about this. You need someone to talk to and vent with. Someone to help you decide what the next course of action will be.
__________________
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“I want happiness!” - - B1. Married nearly 29 years to EI, my Wife. Working on reconciliation since May, 2012.
Re: I snooped, discovered he's cheating and he's angry at me?
Quote:
Originally Posted by PBear
Possibly he doesn't see watching porn as cheating? I'm not justifying his actions, but if you don't agree on the definition of the issue, that could explain at least some of his immature attitude.
C Posted via Mobile Device
He was watching porn and on not one, not two, not three, but four dating sites.
I've seen the messages he's sent to other women, who he's contacted, his profiles and the content that they say - looking for intimate encounters because I'm not kinky enough and saying he needs to have an affair because I had one (I never did by the way, it's something he's made up to play the pity card). He is cheating regardless if he thinks porn is cheating or not.
Personally, I've always been pretty liberal when it comes to porn. Not sure if my feelings will change as a result of this but up until I found out how into porn he was, I could always accept a man who watches a bit of it. In fact, I've watched it with him in the past to add something different into our sex life. I've also watched it alone on occasion to get new ideas to bring into bed. My problem isn't the porn itself but the amount he has, the amount of money he's been spending on it, the secrecy and the amount of time. He spends hours a day on porn but minutes with me and his child.
It's interfering with our family, has affected our sex life very negatively and no doubt has made him want to act things out sexually with other people.
Re: I snooped, discovered he's cheating and he's angry at me?
Quote:
I am 36 1/2 weeks pregnant with our second child. The first is 8, we've been together 9 years.
Anyway, I went through his computer and other things and discovered that he's been cyber-cheating on 4 different dating sites since April of this year and is highly addicted to porn:
I'm sorry, I should have been more specific. The sites I'm referring to above are DATING websites! He is seeking intimate encounters with other women and has been since April. I've found the profiles, the messages, the women he's contacted etc. looking for sex on the side.
Didn't mean to go off on you PBear. I should have been more specific.
Re: I snooped, discovered he's cheating and he's angry at me?
Basically this comes down, to what do you wanna do about it!!!!
He doesn't get to mope, be unhappy, or anything else, if you do not want it so---and make that known to him, unpleasantly, harshly, and in no uncertain terms
What actually needs to happen from here on out is this---when you say jump he says how high---if it isn't gonna be like that then tell him to get a lawyer and prepare to defend a D. action------you cannot be nice in handling these kinds of things---he has to know you are deadly serious, and that there are/will be ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES
Whether you wanna leave or not---you have to call his bluff, you have to make him know, this kind of crap will not be allowed---EVER AGAIN---or he can leave.
Re: I snooped, discovered he's cheating and he's angry at me?
Quote:
Originally Posted by betrayed1
Yes, getting caught initially makes them angry, defensive and they don't like it one bit. You just took his drug away and he's mad and will now blame you for it. But don't tolerate it one bit. This is has doing and his fault. He needs to man up and take responsibility for these choices he's made. He may very well be like this for weeks.
Good to know, because I've been beginning to think he's a total psychopath/narcissist with the way he's acting.
Quote:
Will he have computer access at his parents? Obviously that could be a problem, he will get his fix there and never face his problems or you.
Tell his parents if you have to, he needs help, the more people that know the more that can potentially help him help himself.
I already wrote his mom and his brother. I'm hoping they read my email very soon. I'm not sure which way it will go though - the whole blood is thicker than water mentality....
Quote:
Sorry your dealing with this now, especially being pregnant, this has to hurt and stress you out. Do you have friends\family to talk to about this. You need someone to talk to and vent with. Someone to help you decide what the next course of action will be.
Thanks, that means a lot. My only rock in all of this has been my Aunt. Unfortunately she lives far, far away but she has been taking all my calls and will continue to do so anytime. This hurts like hell. The fact that I'm pregnant makes it worse for sure. I wish he'd have been honest with me about us BEFORE getting me pregnant.
Re: I snooped, discovered he's cheating and he's angry at me?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MAKINGSENSEOFIT2
First off he sounds like a very immature person. I mean running to his parents? Really? I think he needs some professional help to be honest with you.
I agree. I can't believe what a douche he's being. He's also 8 1/2 years OLDER than I am. We met when I was a teenager. I guess he needed someone who was more on his level at the time. Now that I'm an adult and gaining more self-respect and intelligence, he can't hack it, so it seems.
Re: I snooped, discovered he's cheating and he's angry at me?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Taken
I am 36 1/2 weeks pregnant with our second child. The first is 8, we've been together 9 years.
I've been asking him if he was cheating for the longest time, for the longest time, he denied it or used an excuse that would make me feel stupid/insecure/guilty for asking.
Anyway, I went through his computer and other things and discovered that he's been cyber-cheating on 4 different dating sites since April of this year (EDITED - messaging other women to have intimate encounters) and is highly addicted to porn:
Almost 350GB of downloaded porn on an external HDD
A paid subscription to a live webcam site that he makes daily visits to
Several burnt DVDs and a few store-bought ones
Internet history showing that he goes on porn sites everyday for hours - all the while spending almost no time with me and our son
Anyway, he put literally all of his things in the garage and then yesterday, moped around like he had nothing to do for entertainment (playing the martyr) saying he couldn't use his computer because he's been hacked and blaming me for being nosy.
After I told him I wouldn't sit here and let him feel victimized and sorry for himself, he ran home to mommy and daddy's house to sleep over. He just came home, grabbed some things from the garage and drove off again. Honestly, I'd prefer it that way even though it'd be nice to have emotional support during my pregnancy but I have been emotionally on a roller coaster and go back and forth between hating his guts and loving him and feeling betrayed to numb so I'd rather he not be here anyhow.
Is it normal for a cheater to get mad at the person they've been cheating on?
Anyone know any articles/advice of what is typical of a cheating spouse after they've been caught?
You husband is addicted to porn. That is an insane amount of porn. Given the hoarding and sheer amount of it I would say your husband is a good candidate for structured rehab.
__________________ evidence gathering thread the lie and the truth
There is nothing noble in being superior to your Fellow man. True nobility is being superior to your former self.
--Ernest Hemingway--
Re: I snooped, discovered he's cheating and he's angry at me?
Quote:
Originally Posted by jnj express
Basically this comes down, to what do you wanna do about it!!!!
He doesn't get to mope, be unhappy, or anything else, if you do not want it so---and make that known to him, unpleasantly, harshly, and in no uncertain terms
What actually needs to happen from here on out is this---when you say jump he says how high---if it isn't gonna be like that then tell him to get a lawyer and prepare to defend a D. action------you cannot be nice in handling these kinds of things---he has to know you are deadly serious, and that there are/will be ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES
Whether you wanna leave or not---you have to call his bluff, you have to make him know, this kind of crap will not be allowed---EVER AGAIN---or he can leave.
Thank goodness, this is a common-law marriage. I live in Ontario, Canada where he'd still most likely have to give me financial support in this kind of situation but we have no huge assets together that'd need to be divided if it comes down to it which is proving to be a blessing in this situation.
While I'd love to work things out it would have to be on my terms and he'd have to mean it. If you only knew the hell I put up with in terms of his jealousy and guilt-trips for me expressing my needs in the past... I think the fact that I am firm and not feeling sorry for him is scary as hell because his normal manipulations are not working. What's that I feel back there? Oh, yeah, it's my spine! He's not used to that and doesn't know how to react I suppose so has decided to run away.
Re: I snooped, discovered he's cheating and he's angry at me?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Taken
I agree. I can't believe what a douche he's being. He's also 8 1/2 years OLDER than I am. We met when I was a teenager. I guess he needed someone who was more on his level at the time. Now that I'm an adult and gaining more self-respect and intelligence, he can't hack it, so it seems.
You have outgrown him.
There's very little chance he's ever going to catch up.
Re: I snooped, discovered he's cheating and he's angry at me?
Hey miss taken----stay tuff---you are on the right track---stay here with us---we will give you plenty of support---this so called spouse of yours either turns around, and does it with the RIGHT ATTITUDE---or he GOES---end of discussion!!!!!
Re: I snooped, discovered he's cheating and he's angry at me?
Man child syndrome.
Some guys just don't grow up. They can act mature at times and put on a front, but at their core they are immature brats at the end of the day. Very sad to see in both men and women.
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I snooped, discovered he's cheating and he's angry at me? 
