EnjoliWoman

I'm very fortunate to have never been cheated on, nor did I cheat in my 13 years of my first marriage. I'm struggling to understand what infidelity does to a man (who I am dating and whose marriage ended due to multiple affairs). There is such a wall up - I can sense we are at a stalemate. Now that we've become physical (which I know he doesn't take lightly) it seems I'm shut out. I know it must have hurt his self esteem in so many ways and I'm trying to reassure him and make him feel his "manliness" is still intact where I'm concerned...

As I said, I'm just trying to understand how this 'punch to the gut' changes a man's perception of himself so I can see how to best reassure him there's nothing lacking as far as I'm concerned. I feel his pain; I certainly have lurked and read the raw emotions here.

Cosmos

I think it probably affects a man's feelings of manliness in the same way it would affect a woman's feelings of womanliness.

I guess his self-esteem would be badly damaged along with his trust in women / relationships.

The best way to deal with this is to boost his self-esteem in every way you know how, and teach him that it is safe for him to trust you. It might take time for him to heal from being so badly betrayed, but with lots of encouragement and TLC it's possible.

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When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say.

Bentley'sMom

You seem like a very nice, thoughtful person. I am not a man, but I do know that men are more bothered by their partners physical act of betrayal and women more upset by the perceived emotional bond by their partner/spouse and the AP. I guess it boils down to men thinking they some how didn't satisfy their partner in bed enough. This is far from the case, usually, but is how men will perceive it.

jeff_r

I certainly know how it feels. I've had it happen twice...first & second marriage.

My story:

Nurses...mortgage...


First time, I didnt know a lot about what happened (2003/2004). The internet was different then, or I just didnt know how to find information back then. Basically, there were red flags...thought we were working thru them. Then one day she wanted us to be separated, said she was unhappy....the basic script that everyone hears.......I could tell she was distant. Found out she was hanging out with this other guy.....the rest is history.

I took it very hard. I could hardly work. She was my first love & couldnt see life any different. I was a buyer (as Dr Harley puts it) & was willing to do anything for us.

I thought about killing myself....I had everything to do it with. It would have been over in 5 min...no pain. All my troubles would have been gone.

Then I meet some women. I feel somewhat better. They still weren't what I was used to though. I was used to being with...well with her. Anyway...I met my then...now stbxw.


This past time was the worst though. I know everything that went on. We had a troubled relationship. She is very open & talkative about topics that I think are best kept quiet. She didnt like that part of my personality...I'm too shy....not confident enough...etc.
She is loud, extrovert (at least she thinks she is), very open about things in life, etc.

So yeah, it does make a man feel less like a man. I mean my stbxw is already on a dating site with a profile.
She has sent guys pics of herself.....fellatio of a penis shaped lollipop, pics of herself in babydolls, & even pics of her vagina..with toys, etc

So yeah...I feel like sh*t.

Feeling_bad

I just had it happen to me recently. Here's my story:

Bad night

It definitely hits a man's ego when a wife strays. For me, I had a wife who was drunk, aroused, and felt the need to get it on with a man. She had her husband (me) right there, but instead chose another man in the house where they sneaked off and I caught them. Made me feel like total sh#t. The fact that she chose another man hurts as much as the deed itself.

Bentley'sMom

Wow Jeff, I guess you sure know how to pick 'em. So sorry this happened. Rest assured there are good women out there. I was totally faithful to my cheating, lying psycho, he is very average and chubby, I am not. So it has nothing to do with you, it's always their problem. I did feel less of a woman for a while, until I realised it had nothing to do with me or my attractiveness or ability in bed. His new woman is not that attractive at all, but suits his new plan. Part of his disorder is withdrawing sexually and devaluing.
With regards to all of the cheating, sometimes there is a problem with connection and intimacy but most of the time cheaters just want the thrill of something new, something a spouse can never compete with, as they are not new.
So regarding manliness and womanliness, it's rarely about that or the BS, it's more all about the cheater. If you can shift your thinking that way, it hurts less.....
Feelin bad, alcohol has a lot to do with it, but is never an excuse

Almostrecovered

being cheated on destroys your confidence, particularly your sense of sexual prowess

I suggest you make it clear how much he pleases you without sounding condescending, a tough balancing act

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EnjoliWoman

Thanks everyone - it is sort of how I expected. I wanted to make sure I was doing everything I could. I really care about him and it's gut-wrenching to me what he's gone through. I do try to compliment and reassure him in a sincere and direct way so he knows where I stand and how I view him. I hope he can begin to see himself the way I do.

mahike

It killed me to know that my wife had sex with another man and that she was more intimate with him in conversations and pictures then she ever was with me.

It was a hughe blow to my ego. Even worse it was someone I knew and someone I had little respect for.

Sounds like you really want to make it work. Let him know what you like, talk with him but take it slow. Let him know when he rocks your world that he really rocked your world. Yes us men that are former BS are really pretty fragile but we put up a good front for the rest of the world

EnjoliWoman

I haven't been very because we've only had sex once. As a single mother I don't get may overnight opportunities and he travels for business. It took him months just to kiss me but I didn't want to push myself on him sensing he wasn't ready. He was holding off on sex even though we came very close a number of times and I was more the pursuer once we got close. In 8 years of single life he's the only man to have given me an orgasm since I was married and I've told him he's amazing.

I want more physically but I don't want to push him away or scare him/overwhelm him. I know he'll be afraid to fall in love but I've known that I love him for over a month but don't want to tell him yet. I think he'll be too afraid of the risk still. But I know he's "the one" - a feeling I've never had, even when I married (too young).

I'll try initiating that first kiss of the evening next time we're together, thanks.

EnjoliWoman

Same with his WS. She was sending photos, texting, meeting guys, lying about travel, even kept a list of guys she had sex with. Not to mention he was engaged once prior to his marriage and she cheated, too, with a guy he knew and had little respect for.

jeff_r

I guess my situation is different.

My wife had multiples climaxes when we were together.
Just about every time we had sex...3-4 climaxes
That was our deal.

Now, the interesting part is that she has to help herself in order to achieve this. (mainly rubbing herself)
Its always been that way.

I tend to think that it might be that she has accustomed herself to having them only that way. She has stated that she always has done this, every since she was a teenager.

For about a year, year & a half....shes been reading erotic literature (50 shades of grey, etc.) She has a lot of them on her kindle. I know this b/c I see the credit care statements from Amazon.com. From what I can tell, she read the stories, gets worked up & masturbates. I've found toys in our couch cushions, when I get back from a long day at work.

What a hell I have been in.

Her whole complaint about me is that I am passionless. She tells a guy on the dating site that she has been living in a passionless marriage.

I just wished I could find a woman that could talk to me & we could work out a long term solution to meet our emotional needs.

Unsure in Seattle

To me, it wasn't my "manliness," per se- just more my self worth. I was more confused than anything else... her last EA partner was a skinny, short little nebbish that I could have broken in half if I was that kind of man. Not handsome, not particularly intelligent or witty. Fit, I suppose. Fitter than me,anyway, but there are degrees and there are degrees. Other than that, this bald little nothing WAS nothing. So I was more puzzled than anything else. I was using logic and not reckoning with her innate ability to daydream up romance and whatnot out of the most tenuous of commonalities.

I made me question what I had done and why wasn't I good enough, but I don't think I felt that I wasn't manly enough or anything like that. I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin, and, perhaps more importantly, my own head.

StagesOfGrief

It sounds like with an ex-fiancee and a wife that cheated on him part of him has probably been partially conditioned to believe that women he gets close to will cheat on him. While it sounds as if it is no fault of his own it is an enormous blow to the psyche.

It's not just the intimacy, its the lies, the deception, the bullsh*t of a fake life. How far removed from his marriage is he? I've just started the divorce process but I know I wont be ready to date for a year+ because I want to make sure I don't carry the hurt/mistrust from the past into a new and hopefully more positive relationship.

You sound like a very caring woman. Just continue to be there for him. Reassurance. Be yourself, and if you are as good of a woman as you seem hell come around soon enough .

EnjoliWoman

Thanks... a little timeline of second affair(s) - suspected summer of 2011, found travel/receipt inconsistencies and started checking on her since she'd cheated before. Last time they had sex was then. By the end of October 2011 he had absolute proof and they spent Thanksgiving apart but still living in the same house and they wanted to get through the holidays without drama. He found a place and moved out end of Jan/first of Feb 2012. We met online and chatted about everything under the sun for a couple months before our first date in April. Took a couple more months for the first kiss. So it hasn't been a full year yet. I try to remain cognizant of that.