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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 35 (permalink) Old 08-25-2012, 10:38 AM
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Re: The Truth

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Yea but my whole feeling is: If you're going to tell it, then tell it all and the truth. It's like she was tell some of the truth, but her story was not making any sense. Like for a example, if a friend of yours burglarized your home and they come clean and they did it but they didn't take anything. They just came in to watch a sports game on your tv Not making any sense with the story but you see they wearing watches similar to the ones you had lost. May be a bad example I'm using but you know what I'm trying to say. Half truth, half talking to you like you are stupid
Why should she come clean? After the rugsweeping you did she was dead set on continuing it. Speak no evil after all.

The only way she would've came clean is

A) She felt true remorse

B) You made sure the reconciliation and marriage was dependent upon her honestly.

With neither happening she slipped back into the status quo and your reconciliation is most likely built upon a foundation of lies and rugsweeping.

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post #17 of 35 (permalink) Old 08-25-2012, 10:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The Truth

She said she has no contact with him but judging by how she told the other lies with a straight face, I'm starting to look at her sideways again.
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post #18 of 35 (permalink) Old 08-25-2012, 10:45 AM
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Re: The Truth

^ Its all about you man.

If you accept this, why exactly should she stop doing it?

You let her waltz back into the marriage with lies and half truths. You can look at her sideways as much as you want, but don't expect her to do anything differently now unless you make a stand and take action.
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post #19 of 35 (permalink) Old 08-25-2012, 10:47 AM
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Re: The Truth

So, if she were to come clean and tell you all, then what? Are your plans to stay and fix the marriage? I'm sure you will feel trust is gone and may be able to be regained after time, or maybe not. I'm sure its not a good feeling to always wonder if you can believe someone or not, after an affair and lies.
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post #20 of 35 (permalink) Old 08-25-2012, 10:50 AM
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Re: The Truth

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^ Its all about you man.

If you accept this, why exactly should she stop doing it?

You let her waltz back into the marriage with lies and half truths. You can look at her sideways as much as you want, but don't expect her to do anything differently now unless you make a stand and take action.
Exactly. If she has Facebook, check it to see if she can even SEE his page. If so, she needs to BLOCK him. Yes, even 2 years out, she needs to show you that she means what she says...

If she has him in her contacts on her phone, even on OLD phones, she needs to delete him from any and ALL. If he is in her email contacts, he needs to be removed. It really isn't hard to verify. If she balks, then I would be suspicious. I would believe contact has been continued. If she wants to put your fears to rest, it should be a non-issue to allow you to check to be sure. Trust but verify... this is where you NEED to verify.

You can use the 2x4 without adding nails to it.
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post #21 of 35 (permalink) Old 08-25-2012, 11:02 AM
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Re: The Truth

I am sorry about your situation... So I am coming from the WS perspective... yes I was the WH... However I am also the lucky one for my beautiful wife. She put me through (as I have described before) a fierce storm, but when it was over, we built back a marriage that is so much closer than ever before (I know that this is the minority case). I still feel the pain of wearing the scarlet letter of a cheater... my wife married a cheater and I hang my head in utter shame for my transgression. This is the feeling your wife should have had and continue to have, not you taking the burden for her... that is what you are doing. She needs to bear her cross, not you take it for her.

First off, the feeling of shock that you had on D-Day was totally appropriate, however after that stage, you needed to put her through a form of penance. I can tell you right now, by not having put everything on the table right up front, it did neither of you any good. Yes, it is even good for the cheater to put it all out there. I was so reluctant to do this, because of the shame, but in the end it was a cathartic experience. She needs to understand that holding back is not just hurting you but is no good for her either (again from the cheaters perspective).

I certainly wish you the best.
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post #22 of 35 (permalink) Old 08-25-2012, 11:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The Truth

The part that kills me is she keeps saying, "No matter what I tell you, you going to believe what you want to believe" Basically dancing around it. But her stories just doesn't make sense.
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post #23 of 35 (permalink) Old 08-25-2012, 11:14 AM
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Re: The Truth

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The part that kills me is she keeps saying, "No matter what I tell you, you going to believe what you want to believe" Basically dancing around it. But her stories just doesn't make sense.
Shes spouting BS.

The thing that makes even less sense though, is why you're accepting that for an answer?

We can give you advice, but unless you're willing to take action nothing we say can help you.
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post #24 of 35 (permalink) Old 08-25-2012, 11:19 AM
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Re: The Truth

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The part that kills me is she keeps saying, "No matter what I tell you, you going to believe what you want to believe"
How far from the truth is she on that part though? I'm not saying she shouldn't tell you, but don't you think that even if she told you everything, you are gonna believe what you want, regardless? Its probably a natural reaction after someone has betrayed you.
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post #25 of 35 (permalink) Old 08-25-2012, 11:19 AM
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Re: The Truth

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The part that kills me is she keeps saying, "No matter what I tell you, you going to believe what you want to believe" Basically dancing around it. But her stories just doesn't make sense.
That is because she is showing absolutely no sign of remorse. So, for three days after D-Day, my wife said nothing... I trembled because I knew what this meant. She only stands 4'11" and barely 110 lbs, but I was scared. When she unleashed on me, my initial reaction was similar to how you describe your WW. With the help of some really good friends (at the time I did not know TAM existed), who were not going to let me screw things up, they help me realize that I need to take a different attitude.

In other words, part of this may actually be TT going on and also some of it sounds as if she has an attitude of "yea I did wrong, get over it..." I feel for you, and sorry that this is going on. This should not be going on in this stage of limbo, you need to find an avenue for both of you to get it all out on the table... not just the evidence of emails, txt, FB, etc... she needs to bear the cross of being a cheater otherwise she will continue to hide things from you and not see it as a problem. If believe someone else mentioned it... maybe to get her there you need to threaten her with D. Rug sweeping is not only about evidence it is also about attitude.

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post #26 of 35 (permalink) Old 08-25-2012, 11:22 AM Thread Starter
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post #27 of 35 (permalink) Old 08-25-2012, 11:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The Truth

It's one of those feeling where you see something that looks like a tree, but your vision is blurry so you are not sure but you are 95% certain because you see the outline of it. And you got a person right with you saying it is not a tree, it's a chair. Even though you can't see it clearly, you can see enough to tell what it is but that person is constantly lying and saying it is something else. So it was like pieces of evidence was right in my face enough to assume but not enough for me to confirm but the truth is right at my fingertips and she's telling lies
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post #28 of 35 (permalink) Old 08-25-2012, 11:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The Truth

Having a counselor is best because once the subject comes up, she goes off and fuss her way off the subject. That's the act of a guilty person, I'm unable to get any word in edge-wise
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post #29 of 35 (permalink) Old 08-25-2012, 01:07 PM
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Re: The Truth

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Having a counselor is best because once the subject comes up, she goes off and fuss her way off the subject. That's the act of a guilty person, I'm unable to get any word in edge-wise
Let me make a recommendation. Read through Affaircares's website articles. It may even be that you need your WW to read through them as well. Affaircare has articulated as good as I think most posters on the CWI forum have done. It is a good start anyway.
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post #30 of 35 (permalink) Old 08-25-2012, 01:53 PM
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Re: The Truth

theone79, why did you stay with her??
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