Recommend your favorite books (again) and goodbye for now

iheartlife · 08-26-2012, 12:58 AM

I have never posted something like this in the various forums of which I've been a member--always hated these for some reason!

I just wanted to let you all know that I'm taking a very extended break from the forum. Our marriage has turned a huge corner in the last two months. We have been doing extremely well for a while but now I can say that the affection has fully returned and the romantic love is back. I did wonder sometimes if I'd ever feel that we were going to make it, but our terrific MC has discharged us with an appointment 3 months hence as a checkup and I know it was the right thing to do. I've decided to leave the forum until then and will report back how things are progressing and check in with everyone.

In the meantime...
I wanted to express gratitude to the many forum members, especially longtime posters but also some newer ones, who contribute so much to the people suffering from betrayal in their relationships.

Here's a list of the books that I think are terrific (as the regular readers know too well):

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
This woman deserved some sort of medal for the groundbreaking work that she did. And I still remember the disappointment I had upon discovering she passed away in 2003. What I really long for is I know she would have so much to add on the subject of technology.

I still believe that we are heading toward a change in how technology will be part of our relationships. I believe that eventually couples will be forced to acknowledge that transparency in emails, texting, social networking, and websites will be a core part an exchange of trust at the start of a life partnership. That doesn't mean someone can't set up a secret email account and lie about it--but it eventually will take away people's current ability to pretend that they are entitled to have a secret email account in the first place (where they engage in behavior damaging to the marriage, of course). I say all this because I still wonder what Shirley Glass would have to say on the subject--I'm sure it would be enlightening.

His Needs / Her Needs by Dr. Harley
This book, which I see many many forum members enjoy, really is a terrific book. I find it fascinating that Dr. Harley "pioneered" the idea of returning romantic love to a relationship in order to head off divorce. Seems obvious! But apparently it wasn't when the book was originally written. Sadly some people criticize this book for its gender stereotyping. Get over it people, and substitute "she" for "he" as appropriate. It doesn't make this book any less relevant and the newer editions acknowledge that different people have different needs.

That brings me to another favorite topic, needs vs. wants. There are a lot of people out there...we will call them, to be kind, laypeople...who think that infidelity is all about one of the spouse's "needs" not being met. They seem to conveniently forget there are two spouses and that if they think the loyal spouse's needs are all being met...they really need to think again. But more to the point, what is a "need" anyhow? Sometimes I think that a heck of a lot of "needs" are really "wants" masquerading under a self-important name. Unfortunately, there are some spouses who have some very serious issues distinguishing between the two, and decide to break their marital vows as a consequence.

5 Love Languages
His Needs / Her Needs lite. Has a fun quiz, a way to jump start things if your spouse won't read anything heavier.

Love Busters by Dr. Harley
This book doesn't get mentioned much, but it's important. The point of this book is you can meet each other's needs and drive each other up the wall at the same time. And at some point, it behooves you to figure out what habits and annoying things you do that seriously damage your spouses's romantic love for you.

Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley
I don't like this book nearly as much as Not Just Friends, but this book has some excellent discussion of No Contact letters and exposure. Sometimes I get the impression that visitors to this forum think that the forum members made all that stuff up. Not so.

Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
This is an amazing book and our terrific MC says it will put him out of business. Short but packed with useful stuff for making your marriage stronger. Love it!

Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend
Recommended by several forum members..'nuff said!

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On improving yourself

I think we can all agree that life is a journey, and that a little self-improvement never hurt. The irony for me is that my own, most profound changes slightly predated my husband's affair...which is my answer to the question often posed, about changing yourself, and how this can affect your marriage. The simple answer is, it certainly can positively affect your marriage, and it can improve it. However, it cannot stop your spouse from betraying you, and all alone it cannot get your spouse to end the affair.

As I've mentioned several times, the concept of mindfulness has done wonders for me and has vastly improved my quality of life. (In fact, it's the reason I'm getting off the forum--I have neglected hobbies and activities and things to do that can't get done while I'm devoted to the forum.) Mindfulness means that the past is over, the future may never happen, and the present moment, the NOW, has a lot of good in it. In Western societies we are rarely in imminent danger of harm at any given time. That means the sensation we most often feel is boredom, and unfortunately that boredom leads us to do all sorts of things that are not necessarily good for us. But I digress.

Mindfulness is your way out of any crisis. It is compatible with all religious beliefs. It is about savoring the good and being filled with gratitude. It is not a pollyanna "life is good,"--believe it or not, the fundamental idea behind mindfulness is that life is full of suffering and that suffering is the human constant.

A good introduction to mindfulness:
Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World by Mark Williams, Danny Penman and Jon Kabat-Zinn

here's another one for those who aren't squeamish about a few references to Buddhism:
Turning the Mind Into an Ally by Sakyong Mipham and Pema Chodron

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I have seen other forum members recommend their favorite books--some of them sound really great--I recall river rat had one that I found intriguing--but the name escapes me. Go ahead an post them here, I know there are other threads like this one but what the heck.

See you on the flip side.

TBT · 08-26-2012, 01:18 AM

Happy to hear how well things are going for you iheartlife and hope to be around when you decide to post again.Until then you'll be missed because I've always found your posts insightful and even handed.Don't have any books to recommend,but I wanted to say thanks and that I wish you well.

daggeredheart · 08-26-2012, 08:15 AM

I'm sad to see you leave and yet I understand the reason. Whenever I see a topic that is especially wrenching, I always think "Iheartlife" will know just what to say to this person and you never disappoint.

You have a gift of language and the way you respond to others in need is very comforting and concise. Just the fact that you share helpful books while leaving is more proof of your kind and caring influence here. I only hope that I can reach that same sort of healing and peace that you are enjoying now.

It's selfish of me to wish you stick around so I can feel better when I read your advice to me and others but at least I have talk marriage where post never die and your words will remain.

At the risk of sounding like a stalker....hurry back!

slater · 08-26-2012, 08:20 AM

iwillmissu

Caribbean Man · 08-26-2012, 08:20 AM

I cannot recommend any * special * books on marriage etc,
But I can say that I am glad to read your post , and see that things have improved , albeit GREATLY !

I wish you every success , and may the odds always be in your favour from now on........
ETA,

How foolish of me, I do have a favorite book that I can and always recomend.

" The Conquest of Happiness "
Bertrand Russell.

TRy · 08-26-2012, 09:22 AM

You will be missed.

thesunwillcomeout · 08-26-2012, 09:24 AM

iheartlife, I'm sad to see you go, but am so happy for you experiencing that level of comfort, intimacy and connection so many of us crave. (Trust is implicit.) Thank you for all of your good advice and excellent recommendations. I have no doubt I'll be re-reading this thread. I feel like I need to be further down the road before I jump in with more than the book that has done more for us that any counseling (Shirley Glass' "Not Just Friends", your consistent recommendation). Our counselor has us reading "Hold Me Tight" but jury's out on that for me. Now, I digress.

All this to say, thank you. You'll be missed.
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Thundarr · 08-26-2012, 09:27 AM

That is great news.

I agree "Not Just Friends" and "His Needs / Her Needs". These would be good for newlyweds to read as well has troubled spouses.

chapparal · 08-26-2012, 09:30 AM

I hate it when one of our best posters leaves. Your leaving is going to leave a huge void. Since I have been here, quite a few great posters have left. I hope some of the newer posters step up, curtail their anger/hurt, and give some great advice.

It is a wonder though, that folks can stay here as long as they do. Trying to help hurting people carries a certain amount of weight with it. Especially when advice is either not taken or doesn't seem to help.

Good luck heartlife, you will be sorely missed.

chapparal · 08-26-2012, 09:33 AM

BTW My two books would be Married Man Sex Life (not a sex manual) ;-) and His Needs Her Needs.

EVERY man should read MMSL. Maybe women too.

Mitch13 · 08-26-2012, 01:43 PM

These books helped us: Recommended by a marriage counselor:

Woman's Infeldelity

Sex at Dawn (NY Best Sller)

Sperm Wars

canttrustu · 08-26-2012, 06:03 PM

Thanks for your contribution but.........you'll be back, they always come back.

Numb in Ohio · 08-26-2012, 06:13 PM

You will be missed by all.

The book that helped me, ( maybe not a "marriage" book) is

The New CoDependency by Melody Beattie.

It helped me understand my position in my marriage, and how I would want to be more of an equal "partner" and not a follower.

Thank you for all your advice here. I wish you the best in your marriage.