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Re: Did I Overreact?

63K views 244 replies 53 participants last post by  WyshIknew 
#1 ·
Did I Overreact?

My wife and I have been married for 23 years this past winter, and two kids. I have been in an ongoing argument with my wife over her relationship with her boss. I began to feel that their relationship was becoming inappropriate last year (15 months ago). They take many business trips together each of the last two years. They were talking to each other constantly via work Blackberry, and work laptops, and personal laptops (e-mail). I even mentioned to her that this seemed to be a little too much. Then one day last summer after we spent a day together I felt uneasy about the way she was acting, for instance having me take a picture of her while we were visiting a winery (something she would almost never do). That night after she went to bed I did the unthinkable, I looked at her personal e-mail. I was so convinced that their might be something going on I couldn’t resist the temptation to look. Then I saw it. While we were watching a move together that night she had emailed him pictures form our winery outing that day. The subject line said “Pics – you can’t share :)”. In the message she wrote about the dress she wore that day and mentioned that it made her look like she had assets that she didn’t really have. Her boss responded back by saying something like this “my goodness...the twins were acting a bit rambunctious today and showing off. You should have a talk with them about behaving responsibly. ;-) Then they went back and forth about how she was blushing then.

I was absolutely horrified when I saw this. I went to see a counselor about it to make sure I wasn’t misreading it. The counselor advised that it might be best if I confronted my wife about this in a couple therapy sessions. I convinced my wife to go to couples therapy, and that’s when I told her about me seeing the e-mail. As you can imagine this went over like a lead balloon.

Fast forward: Now after not succeeding with two different couples therapist things are not changing. I feel like neither of us really opened up in the therapy sessions. She insists that he is just a friend, in fact her best friend. When I ask her if she loves him, she says as a friend.

Is it possible that I have been falsely accusing her of cheating? Could I have been overeating the last 15 months?

Things came to a head this past weekend after another business trip, which she failed to mention he would be on until after she got home. I told her that I thought it was time to separate our finances. To which she responded with the question of “is this a prelude to one of us moving out”.

Did I mess up? I never had physical proof that something was going on, but I do believe that their relationship has at least been an inappropriate emotional affair of some sort...
 
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#40 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Fixin don't feel bad for your actions up to this point. You're doing what you should be doing. Protecting your house. Just like the underarmour brand says. ;)

This means you will and should use every tool at your disposal, including going to HR, his wife, and seperating bank accounts.

Go back to your bed and tell her you will not apologize for trying to protect yourself if she refuses to respect your marriage for this clown. It's you or him. Period.
 
#42 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Fixin don't feel bad for your actions up to this point. You're doing what you should be doing. Protecting your house. Just like the underarmour brand says. ;)

This means you will and should use every tool at your disposal, including going to HR, his wife, and seperating bank accounts.

Go back to your bed and tell her you will not apologize for trying to protect yourself if she refuses to respect your marriage for this clown. It's you or him. Period.
Exactly right. You're sleeping on the couch right now out of punishment for interfering with her little fantasy world. You're stupid for doing this and it needs to end tonight.
 
#43 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

To all

I have set her down and told her how hurtful this relationship with her boss has been for me. I have all along struggled with the fact that she hasn’t made any real changes for me, her husband. We have had counseling, and never could get to the bottom of anything. Yes, we did have some get to together socially last year. Moreover, each time I thought their behavior was very highschoolish. The second couples therapist blurted out “that’s sexual harassment” when explained what was said in the e-mail. To which my wife explained its not sexual harassment if the recipient doesn’t see it that way (Jeeze, that says it all doesn’t it).
 
#44 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

To all

I have set her down and told her how hurtful this relationship with her boss has been for me. I have all along struggled with the fact that she hasn’t made any real changes for me, her husband. We have had counseling, and never could get to the bottom of anything. Yes, we did have some get to together socially last year. Moreover, each time I thought their behavior was very highschoolish. The second couples therapist blurted out “that’s sexual harassment” when explained what was said in the e-mail. To which my wife explained its not sexual harassment if the recipient doesn’t see it that way (Jeeze, that says it all doesn’t it).
OK well since telling her gets you nowhere, then it's actions that she will have to understand.

She has run a total game on you, and not only that, made YOU feel bad for calling her out on her BS!

Time to get your Alpha on. You're bigger than all of this... bigger than that idiot she's chatting it up and being bestie bestie with. SHOW HER you mean business and you will NOT under any circumstances compete with this jerk.
 
#45 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Their behavior is an EA for sure. Inappropriate for married couples. In some states he may be liable for damages if your marriage fails due to his behaviors.

If he is married, contact his wife and certainly contact the HR department at the company. She needs to find a new job if she wants your marriage to work towards a healthy one.
 
#46 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

1. Make copies of all emails you have access to between the two of them.

2. Print said copies.

3. Ask her if she TRULY thinks her relationship with him is completely okay and above reproach. (we know her answer)

4. With your laptop open and emails ready to go to HIS boss and HR and HIS wife state "Oh, then it's totally okay if I send these emails to his boss, HR at your company and his wife. Because if there's nothing to this situation than what harm could come of it".

Be prepared to have your laptop pushed off the table LOL. I've always lived by the rule, "If I'm not okay with it being on the front page of the paper, then I should really think about what I'm doing".
 
#47 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

For reasons I can’t go in to here, the HR option is not going to happen.
She stated in counseling that she felt I was making her choose between our marriage and her job. I kept saying she didn’t have to change jobs, but she needed to change her relationship with to nothing but business. Her job is very important to her, its become very big part of her self-worth (identification).
 
#49 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

For reasons I can’t go in to here, the HR option is not going to happen.
She stated in counseling that she felt I was making her choose between our marriage and her job. I kept saying she didn’t have to change jobs, but she needed to change her relationship with to nothing but business. Her job is very important to her, its become very big part of her self-worth (identification).
More manipulation BS. If it was true, then this wouldn't be happening, her job and KEEPING her job would be her main and total focus. Not being completely unprofessional and encouraging her supervisor to become sexually interested in her.

And you are making her choose. Don't apologize for that. She can have her job and be single or she can stay married and find something else. It's not like the boss is going anywhere.
 
#48 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

I have put the question to her in the past what would his wife or his boss think of the e-mail in question. She doesn’t like this line of conversation... I agree more and more that she has done a whole lot of rationalizing (I guess me too somewhat).
 
#57 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

I have put the question to her in the past what would his wife or his boss think of the e-mail in question. She doesn’t like this line of conversation... I agree more and more that she has done a whole lot of rationalizing (I guess me too somewhat).
Of COURSE she doesn't like this line of conversation, because it makes her face the truth. She's being 100% inappropriate (AT BEST) and she's convincing everyone around her she's not.

Sorry, but you need to stop being the "understanding husband". A marriage is 2 individuals who agree to share 1 life. You have lost your individuality, she hasn't. You are no longer "you" you have become your wife's husband. Become yourself again and demand what you deserve. You need to set up that question again and when your wife says "I don't like that line of conversation" you can say "And I don't like your relationship with your boss. You may not like it, but either you answer or we're done. I want to be married to you, but if you keep stonewalling this issue, we can't continue. You're choosing your relationship with your boss over this marriage. Having 2 therapists not agree with you doesn't make them wrong. There's a point when you have a problem with a bunch of people, maybe it's not them, maybe it is you. Now answer the question or get out."

And be ready to enforce that ultimatum. PS if she STILL refuses to answer, their relationship HAS gone further.
 
#53 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

I understand what most of you are saying to me. I guess I wanted to have another chance to hear if my perceptions on the situation where correct or way off base before I make some drastic changes in the lives of me, my wife, and our two kids. This past weekend was definitely the last straw for me, which is why I told her it was time to get separate checking accounts and separate our finances.
 
#58 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

I understand what most of you are saying to me. I guess I wanted to have another chance to hear if my perceptions on the situation where correct or way off base before I make some drastic changes in the lives of me, my wife, and our two kids. This past weekend was definitely the last straw for me, which is why I told her it was time to get separate checking accounts and separate our finances.
I'm sorry because I know it's not easy. Too many folks around here have been there done that so that's why you have to listen. I don't think there's any chance in the world this hasn't been physical.
 
#55 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Ouch, I get it.
It just that this would have been easier if I had just caught them red handed in the act... I know I need to end this relationship, because she isn’t going to change her relationship with him. If she did leave her job, she would be resentful toward me for the rest of our lives, so that is not a place that I want to be in. Therefore, it seems to me at this point it is too late to salvage the marriage, or she would have made course corrections already. I think at this point moving toward one of us moving out is the likely next step after establishing separate bank accounts.
 
#60 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Ouch, I get it.
It just that this would have been easier if I had just caught them red handed in the act... I know I need to end this relationship, because she isn’t going to change her relationship with him. If she did leave her job, she would be resentful toward me for the rest of our lives, so that is not a place that I want to be in. Therefore, it seems to me at this point it is too late to salvage the marriage, or she would have made course corrections already. I think at this point moving toward one of us moving out is the likely next step after establishing separate bank accounts.
Also, don't ask her to separate the finances. YOU TAKE YOURS OUT! I hate hearing about people who are being mistreated, then allow that same person establish the rules of the separation. If they mistreat you when you're still married, how do you think they're going to treat you on the way out the door.

Don't tell her. Go to the bank and pull half of everything and set yourself up. Make sure bills are set for this change so you don't overdraft etc. But don't "plan with her".
 
#61 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

A Bit Much
Nice analogy. I know it, but it still hurts, even though I have been aware of these facts for over a yea now. I know I need to end this some how because it gets to the point that you can’t think anything else.
 
#64 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

A Bit Much
Nice analogy. I know it, but it still hurts, even though I have been aware of these facts for over a yea now. I know I need to end this some how because it gets to the point that you can’t think anything else.
Of course it hurts. I don't envy what you're going through, I really don't. I've been hurt like this myself (she wasn't his boss though) and it was really hard to face the reality of the situation. In the end I can only control myself. If I know I've done everything I could do to salvage it on my end, then that's all I could do. Ultimately, my spouse has to hold up his end or it just isn't going to work.
 
#62 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

I'm sorry fixin, but my H was married to a woman who basically did the same thing your wife is doing, except she took so far as to move cities for this job, and take the kids out from under their father's nose. She set up a new life for herself, complete with a new house, new furniture, a new car all on his dime...right after he'd finished paying for the new boob job. Before she left, she was so busy getting in shape at the gym and planning her new career with her new 'friend' he thought nothing of it, because he was just too damned NICE...didn't want to tell her what to do. Didn't want to be controlling. The only saving grace is that it all blew up in her face within 3 months, she begged him back, and he told her to go eff herself...

This type of thing boils my blood...! You really should insist that she stops this nonsense right away, and tell her that if she doesn't, you'll be forced to start your own proceedings.
 
#65 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

I posted this over in the General Relationship section, but was advised that this might be better discussed over here the CWI section.

My wife and I have been married for 23 years this past winter, and two kids. I have been in an ongoing argument with my wife over her relationship with her boss. I began to feel that their relationship was becoming inappropriate last year (15 months ago). They take many business trips together each of the last two years. They were talking to each other constantly via work Blackberry, and work laptops, and personal laptops (e-mail). I even mentioned to her that this seemed to be a little too much. Then one day last summer after we spent a day together I felt uneasy about the way she was acting, for instance having me take a picture of her while we were visiting a winery (something she would almost never do). That night after she went to bed I did the unthinkable, I looked at her personal e-mail. I was so convinced that their might be something going on I couldn’t resist the temptation to look. Then I saw it. While we were watching a move together that night she had emailed him pictures form our winery outing that day. The subject line said “Pics – you can’t share ”. In the message she wrote about the dress she wore that day and mentioned that it made her look like she had assets that she didn’t really have. Her boss responded back by saying something like this “my goodness...the twins were acting a bit rambunctious today and showing off. You should have a talk with them about behaving responsibly. ;-) Then they went back and forth about how she was blushing then.

I was absolutely horrified when I saw this. I went to see a counselor about it to make sure I wasn’t misreading it. The counselor advised that it might be best if I confronted my wife about this in a couple therapy sessions. I convinced my wife to go to couples therapy, and that’s when I told her about me seeing the e-mail. As you can imagine this went over like a lead balloon.

Fast forward: Now after not succeeding with two different couples therapist things are not changing. I feel like neither of us really opened up in the therapy sessions. She insists that he is just a friend, in fact her best friend. When I ask her if she loves him, she says as a friend.

Is it possible that I have been falsely accusing her of cheating? Could I have been overeating the last 15 months?

Things came to a head this past weekend after another business trip, which she failed to mention he would be on until after she got home. I told her that I thought it was time to separate our finances. To which she responded with the question of “is this a prelude to one of us moving out”.

Did I mess up? I never had physical proof that something was going on, but I do believe that their relationship has at least been an inappropriate emotional affair of some sort...
 
#66 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

I posted this over in the General Relationship section, but was advised that this might be better discussed over here the CWI section.

My wife and I have been married for 23 years this past winter, and two kids. I have been in an ongoing argument with my wife over her relationship with her boss. I began to feel that their relationship was becoming inappropriate last year (15 months ago). They take many business trips together each of the last two years. They were talking to each other constantly via work Blackberry, and work laptops, and personal laptops (e-mail). I even mentioned to her that this seemed to be a little too much. Then one day last summer after we spent a day together I felt uneasy about the way she was acting, for instance having me take a picture of her while we were visiting a winery (something she would almost never do). That night after she went to bed I did the unthinkable, I looked at her personal e-mail. I was so convinced that their might be something going on I couldn’t resist the temptation to look. Then I saw it. While we were watching a move together that night she had emailed him pictures form our winery outing that day. The subject line said “Pics – you can’t share ”. In the message she wrote about the dress she wore that day and mentioned that it made her look like she had assets that she didn’t really have. Her boss responded back by saying something like this “my goodness...the twins were acting a bit rambunctious today and showing off. You should have a talk with them about behaving responsibly. ;-) Then they went back and forth about how she was blushing then.

I was absolutely horrified when I saw this. I went to see a counselor about it to make sure I wasn’t misreading it. The counselor advised that it might be best if I confronted my wife about this in a couple therapy sessions. I convinced my wife to go to couples therapy, and that’s when I told her about me seeing the e-mail. As you can imagine this went over like a lead balloon.

Fast forward: Now after not succeeding with two different couples therapist things are not changing. I feel like neither of us really opened up in the therapy sessions. She insists that he is just a friend, in fact her best friend. When I ask her if she loves him, she says as a friend.

Is it possible that I have been falsely accusing her of cheating? Could I have been overeating the last 15 months?

Things came to a head this past weekend after another business trip, which she failed to mention he would be on until after she got home. I told her that I thought it was time to separate our finances. To which she responded with the question of “is this a prelude to one of us moving out”.

Did I mess up? I never had physical proof that something was going on, but I do believe that their relationship has at least been an inappropriate emotional affair of some sort...

It's better to ask the MODS to move the thread over to here.
 
#68 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Actually, our last (2nd) couples’s therapist did suggest Not Just Friends. I bought it and began to read it, and it began to make me very upset because I believe the facts were a little too close to home. My wife said in therapy she would read, but she never even asked me where the book was...
 
#69 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Actually, our last (2nd) couples’s therapist did suggest Not Just Friends. I bought it and began to read it, and it began to make me very upset because I believe the facts were a little too close to home. My wife said in therapy she would read, but she never even asked me where the book was...

Insist that she read it. If she won't, file for divorce because she is likely not interested in changing her ways to save the marriage.

Also, hire a detective to try to get evidence.

Stay calm and get all your details in order and contact an attorney pronto to learn your rights in your state.
 
#70 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

There is certainly smoke here. I would follow your gut and move off accusing her. Start getting proof.

There is more problems in this marriage when you state that you have been married over 23 years and you did the unthinkable by looking at her personal emails. WTH-your emails, phone use etc should be an open book, IMO. It would be unthinkable (to me) to be in a marriage that has gone on this long and you have an opinion that it is unthinkable to look at your wife's emails.
 
#71 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Have you taken steps to discover a physical affair?

Obviously they are having a very inappropriate relationship. The only question now is it also physical.

HR in a company would have him out the door for his comments to her even if she didn't find them offensive.

Bosses do not talk to employees about their cleavage. Heck, make friends don't do that either. Clearly she sent the pic to arouse and interest him.

A VAR in her car? A PI to check up on her and him on these business trips? If they are hooking up they have so much opportunity without anyone seeing.

Is he married?
 
#73 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Yes, he is married.

For reasons I can’t go in to here, the HR option is not going to happen.
She stated in counseling that she felt I was making her choose between our marriage and her job. I kept saying she didn’t have to change jobs, but she needed to change her relationship with to nothing but business. Her job is very important to her, its become very big part of her self-worth (identification).
 
#77 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Yes, he is married.

For reasons I can’t go in to here, the HR option is not going to happen.
She stated in counseling that she felt I was making her choose between our marriage and her job. I kept saying she didn’t have to change jobs, but she needed to change her relationship with to nothing but business. Her job is very important to her, its become very big part of her self-worth (identification).
I hope you forwarded or saved all of the emails and texts you could find. Contact his wife and present all the evidence.

Counseling or therapy will not work as long as she is in the affair. You are wasting time discussing it with her.

VAR her car and see if you can get anything.

Tell her you are asking her to choose between the other man and you.

Again - contact his wife and tell her that her husband and your wife are in an inappropriate relationship.
 
#75 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

She continues to this day, over year later insisting that the e-mail was nothing more than a joke. At first she referred to him as a mentor, then as the big brother that she never had, and then as her best friend. When I asked her if she loved him, she said yes, as a friend.
 
#103 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

You should have gathered more evidence before you confronted her.

I think you should confront the boss too. Talk to his wife first and them him.


What phone does she have and does she use the home computer?
They will be more secretive now for sure but I wager a PI would get proof which I'm sure you do not want to know about.
 
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