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Re: Did I Overreact?

63K views 244 replies 53 participants last post by  WyshIknew 
#1 ·
Did I Overreact?

My wife and I have been married for 23 years this past winter, and two kids. I have been in an ongoing argument with my wife over her relationship with her boss. I began to feel that their relationship was becoming inappropriate last year (15 months ago). They take many business trips together each of the last two years. They were talking to each other constantly via work Blackberry, and work laptops, and personal laptops (e-mail). I even mentioned to her that this seemed to be a little too much. Then one day last summer after we spent a day together I felt uneasy about the way she was acting, for instance having me take a picture of her while we were visiting a winery (something she would almost never do). That night after she went to bed I did the unthinkable, I looked at her personal e-mail. I was so convinced that their might be something going on I couldn’t resist the temptation to look. Then I saw it. While we were watching a move together that night she had emailed him pictures form our winery outing that day. The subject line said “Pics – you can’t share :)”. In the message she wrote about the dress she wore that day and mentioned that it made her look like she had assets that she didn’t really have. Her boss responded back by saying something like this “my goodness...the twins were acting a bit rambunctious today and showing off. You should have a talk with them about behaving responsibly. ;-) Then they went back and forth about how she was blushing then.

I was absolutely horrified when I saw this. I went to see a counselor about it to make sure I wasn’t misreading it. The counselor advised that it might be best if I confronted my wife about this in a couple therapy sessions. I convinced my wife to go to couples therapy, and that’s when I told her about me seeing the e-mail. As you can imagine this went over like a lead balloon.

Fast forward: Now after not succeeding with two different couples therapist things are not changing. I feel like neither of us really opened up in the therapy sessions. She insists that he is just a friend, in fact her best friend. When I ask her if she loves him, she says as a friend.

Is it possible that I have been falsely accusing her of cheating? Could I have been overeating the last 15 months?

Things came to a head this past weekend after another business trip, which she failed to mention he would be on until after she got home. I told her that I thought it was time to separate our finances. To which she responded with the question of “is this a prelude to one of us moving out”.

Did I mess up? I never had physical proof that something was going on, but I do believe that their relationship has at least been an inappropriate emotional affair of some sort...
 
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#132 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Donny64
Assuming we are all correct in what we believe has been going on between them I’m not interested in repairing it anymore. As far as the work place situation goes, that’s a no go for me.
Why is it a no go?

If she works in a hotel, those types of jobs are fairly easy to get right now.

If it is a large hotel chain threaten to go to the press, they do not want a boss and an employ screwing around on the company ticket.
 
#129 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Blackberries are notorious for their security. Tough luck on that!! He might get something on the work laptop. But I am not sure if he has access to it.

I think the best bet would be a VAR in her car for a few days when they have the separation talk. But he seems to be unwilling to do it.
 
#139 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Hi fixin, and sorry you're here. I just read your thread. You're CW is sure gaslighting you. And cheaters lie. That we know. Given the extent of their "business" trips away, you have to believe that they've gone physical with this. Why wouldn't they.Sorry.

She doesn't appear to have any remorse or respect either. I'm glad you're not jumping into reconciling with her. She'd need to have a huge attitude change for that to be considered. But sounds like that isn't likely now. Stay strong.
 
#141 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

D & H
We are not talking much at all now. Since I informed her that we need to separate our finances, she has been very quiet. I believe our lack of communication has been a part of the problem for a long time now. I know she will NEVER say she is sorry. It’s not in her make up...
 
#148 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

D & H
We are not talking much at all now. Since I informed her that we need to separate our finances, she has been very quiet. I believe our lack of communication has been a part of the problem for a long time now. I know she will NEVER say she is sorry. It’s not in her make up...
Well then you have a big decision for yourself. Can you accept being the 2nd class citizen in your marriage and being her "fill in blank for whatever she wants at any given time" because she's showing you where you stand.

It's not in her make up? No, I guarantee if she felt real remorse about doing something she saw as a big mistake with the risk of losing something she truly cared about, she'd say she was sorry. If she screwed up at work, and her boss (or worse someone higher) was coming down on her with the possibility of her losing her job, she'd be the most apologetic and hard working to fix her mistake woman you'd ever meet. So don't allow yourself to accept bad behavior towards you as a general "it's not who she is" BS statement.

I'm not a big fan of all of the Alpha talk that is present on this website because in my opinion it doesn't apply to me and my wife, and for some it's totally bogus because it depends on the people involved, but in your case, it's 100% applicable. Her boss is her alpha mate, you are the member of the pack who is relegated to sleep on the edge, unless the real leaders of the pack want your body heat for a particularly cold night. You have to raise the children and clean up the poop while they go off hunting and being the primaries. I'm sorry for being so blunt but man, you've been pushed down the totem pole.

The hard part of this situation is your wife's perceptions. You can't fix your marriage unless she sees, recognizes and accepts what is going on AND WANTS TO FIX IT. She obviously doesn't care about fixing it (hence the 2 failed counseling trips). So it's high time you start looking out for number 1 (which is you my friend, not HER. She's been watching out for number 1 for a long time)
 
#142 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Vegemite
I agree, I just don’t see here ever admitting anything, much less apologizing. For the most part I still believe she thinks she has done nothing wrong (assuming there has been no PA), at least she has convinced herself this. A couple of times in therapy I got to see a small glimmer of some of her rationale, she was the one who had made sacrifices throughout the marriage (which isn’t true either).
 
#143 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Vegemite
I agree, I just don’t see here ever admitting anything, much less apologizing. For the most part I still believe she thinks she has done nothing wrong (assuming there has been no PA), at least she has convinced herself this. A couple of times in therapy I got to see a small glimmer of some of her rationale, she was the one who had made sacrifices throughout the marriage (which isn’t true either).
Altering marital history to make the cheater the one who has made all the sacrifices in the marriage is in the cheater bible. They use the false history to justify what they are doing.

"I have been the one who has sacrificed my life to this marriage while he has done nothing. It is time for me to be happy". ME, ME, ME, ME, ME.

That is what you are dealing with. Total denial of your history together (all the good was her, all the bad was you) and a total justification of her actions no matter how hurtful and destructive they are.
 
#149 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

I’ve gotten the PI advice numerous times now, but can’ afford. Plus, it makes me feel real sleazy...

I think the 180 plan, and a gradual shifting toward a separation is best for me now.
I think you really would like for things to get better and then just forget about all of this. It's your choice and the 180 may serve that purpose. I still contend that she will never admit to anything and you will be at odds with your trust of what she says forever.

I would rather nail her on it and then you still can choose to work it out. A voice activated recorder is pretty cheap.
 
#151 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

You can never come to terms with what you don't know.

My ex had an affair with her boss. This was many years ago and R would not have been possible at the stage you are in now. Once I had proof then she wanted to R. I was not willing to do it which was my choice. You may choose differently which is fine but I don't think have any control of the situation until you get proof and expose it. Then it's out there and can be dealt with.

This sucks to go through and we feel your pain.
 
#152 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Thundarr
The more I think about it, the more I realize the right course of action for me is separation. You are correct, she will never admit to anything. However, there are many other issues here, which prevent me from going 100% nuclear, or clear the decks so to speak. That may make me feel a little better temporally, but it will hurt may others for no good outcome/purpose. So, having come to these conclusions after asking myself some important questions over the last several days, I think it’s time I gently move us in to splitting.
 
#155 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

D & H
I agree with your sentiment in my own way. For me, the answer now is we need to separate. It is never going change as long as we live together because there is no reason to.

I posted this same thread over in the CWI section, and I’m seeing and answering the same response over there too. These last two days on the forum have been eye opening at least from a conformational stance...

How do I merge these two threads?
 
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