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Re: Did I Overreact?

63K views 244 replies 53 participants last post by  WyshIknew 
#1 ·
Did I Overreact?

My wife and I have been married for 23 years this past winter, and two kids. I have been in an ongoing argument with my wife over her relationship with her boss. I began to feel that their relationship was becoming inappropriate last year (15 months ago). They take many business trips together each of the last two years. They were talking to each other constantly via work Blackberry, and work laptops, and personal laptops (e-mail). I even mentioned to her that this seemed to be a little too much. Then one day last summer after we spent a day together I felt uneasy about the way she was acting, for instance having me take a picture of her while we were visiting a winery (something she would almost never do). That night after she went to bed I did the unthinkable, I looked at her personal e-mail. I was so convinced that their might be something going on I couldn’t resist the temptation to look. Then I saw it. While we were watching a move together that night she had emailed him pictures form our winery outing that day. The subject line said “Pics – you can’t share :)”. In the message she wrote about the dress she wore that day and mentioned that it made her look like she had assets that she didn’t really have. Her boss responded back by saying something like this “my goodness...the twins were acting a bit rambunctious today and showing off. You should have a talk with them about behaving responsibly. ;-) Then they went back and forth about how she was blushing then.

I was absolutely horrified when I saw this. I went to see a counselor about it to make sure I wasn’t misreading it. The counselor advised that it might be best if I confronted my wife about this in a couple therapy sessions. I convinced my wife to go to couples therapy, and that’s when I told her about me seeing the e-mail. As you can imagine this went over like a lead balloon.

Fast forward: Now after not succeeding with two different couples therapist things are not changing. I feel like neither of us really opened up in the therapy sessions. She insists that he is just a friend, in fact her best friend. When I ask her if she loves him, she says as a friend.

Is it possible that I have been falsely accusing her of cheating? Could I have been overeating the last 15 months?

Things came to a head this past weekend after another business trip, which she failed to mention he would be on until after she got home. I told her that I thought it was time to separate our finances. To which she responded with the question of “is this a prelude to one of us moving out”.

Did I mess up? I never had physical proof that something was going on, but I do believe that their relationship has at least been an inappropriate emotional affair of some sort...
 
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#169 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

S8
Unfortunately, I think the lay low opportunity may be passed. This has been an ongoing issue for us 15 months now. In addition, I just told her to days ago that I want to separate our finances and bank account. I’m sure she is in her own preemptive mode now... We’re talking about a very capable person here.
 
#170 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

S8
Unfortunately, I think the lay low opportunity may be passed. This has been an ongoing issue for us 15 months now. In addition, I just told her to days ago that I want to separate our finances and bank account. I’m sure she is in her own preemptive mode now... We’re talking about a very capable person here.
I really hope you can find your way through all of this...you're going about it completely wrong, IMHO, and I do not mean this as an insult by any means...you are sounding a little to worried about pissing her off, when she should be the one quaking in her boots. She only thinks she has power because you keep on giving it to her. She wants to keep you weak so that she can keep on having her 'friendship'. And that's total crap. But still, if you're willing to put up with it, and you won't do anything about it, there isn't much hope.
 
#171 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

The OP is not ripe to act on advice yet.

He won't file (D or separation, doesn't matter), he won't use VAR, he won't expose. Most of his responses are filled with disclaimers and excuses to not actually do anything. Conflict avoidance at it's best. Did anyone suggest "No More Mr. Nice Guy" yet?

Why are you so afraid of your wife? You say you don't want to hurt others, there are special circumstances preventing doing this or that. But all it has in common is they would be offensive to your wife. The pattern is quite obvious, you are afraid to upset your wife.

Hell even your thread is titled Did I overreact?
 
#172 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

CG
I don’t want to continue it. That’s why I’m convinced it’s time to separate. I agree that up to this point I have been made to feel like a fool and a sucker. However, I had to try it my way over the last year, such trying couples’ therapy (twice). I also realize without hard evidence that I’m operating off of some observations (the e-mail, and other social event, and the Blackberry usage), and my gut instinct every being with the person for so long.

I think one of the most frustrating aspects of this has been, suppose she’s correct about them being “just friends” (I know get proof), it’s the fact that she wouldn’t make some concessions or changes to relieve the stress and anxieties her friendship caused even if it was only a perception.

I’m sure many people have come on this forum and said “I didn’t think this person was capable of this kind of lack of empathy when confronted”. This has been one of the most perplexing parts of this situation. I have read the definitions of the fog on here, and that does explain some of the possibilities to her actions (once again, I know, no proof). It’s this lack of caring to show empathy for my point of view or perceptions that makes me ready to throw the towel in.
 
#173 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

OP - Friends do not discuss cleavage. It's inappropriate. My husband has a female (former) colleague that he helps out every now and then with job references, etc. The minute I see anything about her cleavage in an email or text message, is the day I bring down the flipping walls on both of them.

Anyways, I really do hope you find your way.
 
#174 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

CG
Believe me the night I read that e-mail was D-day for me. It was the most painful emotional moment I can remember. She hates it when I bring up that e-mail, but I can not get over it or accept it as a “friendly joke” to this day. In reality, do I really need to get more proof than that, that things are done for us considering how things have played out since then.... In the eye of the beholder, right?

I guess my original posting on this thread Did I overreact? I was looking for conformation, that almost anything I do after that was legitimate.
 
#218 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

CG
Believe me the night I read that e-mail was D-day for me. It was the most painful emotional moment I can remember. She hates it when I bring up that e-mail, but I can not get over it or accept it as a “friendly joke” to this day. In reality, do I really need to get more proof than that, that things are done for us considering how things have played out since then.... In the eye of the beholder, right?

I guess my original posting on this thread Did I overreact? I was looking for conformation, that almost anything I do after that was legitimate.
Fixin, it seems from your post that there are a lot more issues here than just that email. Your move toward separation so quickly, really says that there are other reasons that you are ready to call it quits. In that case, you don't really need affirmation. You are perfectly capable of making your decision, which it seems, you have done. Good luck and Godspeed to you.
 
#175 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Well, again, no you didn't overreact, and at the very least, your wife should be giving up this friend because the whole thing makes you uncomfortable...I don't know, if my husband asked me to do that, I would because I love him and I'd never continue behaving in a way that he wasn't 100% OK with, regardless of whether I was guilty of anything or whether it was just an innocent friendship.
 
#180 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

The VAR is something that I will do.
My point was do you really need more proof that something is wrong than what was conversed in that e-mail?
If you're asking the question, then "yes", you probably do need more proof. If you had enough proof in hand to satisfy yourself, you probably wouldn't be on here, asking our opinions. Instead, you'd be onto your next stage already, with her in your rearview mirror.

Everybody has different tolerance levels, different needs for assurance. If VAR gives you the absolute smoking gun that you need to move forward, then go do it.
 
#182 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Fixin,

Here's why you need proof. There's a high probability that some time in the future, when your pain has subsided some, that she's going to want to reconcile. She'll shift to taking responsibility for ONLY what you know for a fact, like "I know the breast comment from him was probably a bit inappropriate, but it was just innocent banter". Etc. She'll appease you enough to get you back, (because you obviously love her a great deal) and be more deceptive about her activities. You NEED to know the full truth.
 
#186 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Thundarr
I doubt she will ever spill the beans on anything. That is not in her personality, very stubborn, and usually confident in her intelligence. I do believe she has her own self-confidence issues, which does drive her actions to some degree, but we haven’t delved in to these issues entirely. I’m not sure she is willing to openly admit any of her flaws at the moment though. I do hear about some of mine though… And yet, I didn’t hear about how I wasn’t meeting any of her needs.
 
#187 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

It's very possible, even likely, that she is having an affair. I know she is having an affair. You don't have proof. You don't need proof.

You know she is having a relationship with her boss that goes beyond the bounds of just work, you have told her how uncomfortable it makes you. You have been married 23 years and have never made a fuss over anything before. It's not like you're two months into the marriage and she is afraid you will be unduly jealous of every one.

Her failure to acknowledge that you at least have legitimate concerns speaks volumes about how she feels about you and the marriage.

If she would choose this so-called "friendship" over you and the marriage, that speaks volumes as well, especially considering that three children are involved.

Good luck. I hope she comes to her senses once you file.
 
#188 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Kane
This is exactly how I’m viewing our relationship at this point. I have said to myself so many times over the last year, “She is putting her friendship with him over our marriage, or our relationship or our friendship”. Plus I have been feeling more and more disrespected, I feel that way not just because we are married but because of our shared history over many years now together. I continually think that alone should have warranted some truthfulness in her feelings of not being happy or not getting something she needed from me. Nevertheless, I think she has rationalized the whole thing to herself to allow herself to do it and continue to maintain a relationship with him that isn’t strictly professional.

I’m going to pursue a separation.
 
#198 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Kane
This is exactly how I’m viewing our relationship at this point. I have said to myself so many times over the last year, “She is putting her friendship with him over our marriage, or our relationship or our friendship”. Plus I have been feeling more and more disrespected, I feel that way not just because we are married but because of our shared history over many years now together. I continually think that alone should have warranted some truthfulness in her feelings of not being happy or not getting something she needed from me. Nevertheless, I think she has rationalized the whole thing to herself to allow herself to do it and continue to maintain a relationship with him that isn’t strictly professional.

I’m going to pursue a separation.
I have read your whole thread and I am sorry you are going through all this. I wish you the best in the future. It will take some time but you will get over this.

Good luck.
 
#189 ·
Life sucks in some ways. It's not you and it doesn't have to be her or her boss. It's just life, because time has to pass and people have to live it. 23 years is a successful relationship in our world. Yes you deserve more and better than this and so does the boss's wife (and she deserves to hear why you are filing). As long as you have had to deal with this I hope you can leave most of the anger out of the next phase. Sounds like she can fight dirty and you could have an epic divorce battle but there may be no need. You know it's over and so does she. Moving on doesn't have to include all the drama.
 
#190 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Mule kick
Unfortunately, I think she will get very angry as we proceed with the processes of separation and this will lead to resentful and even vengeful action. It is sad that I’m thinking that way about my own wife, but I have assessed the situation as such. She is not around this weekend so we’re not talking about it. Though, even when we are around each other we don’t talk about these issues (I’m always to worried about broaching the subject when the time is right, and she just wants to avoid it).
 
#191 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Mule kick
Unfortunately, I think she will get very angry as we proceed with the processes of separation and this will lead to resentful and even vengeful action. It is sad that I’m thinking that way about my own wife, but I have assessed the situation as such. She is not around this weekend so we’re not talking about it. Though, even when we are around each other we don’t talk about these issues (I’m always to worried about broaching the subject when the time is right, and she just wants to avoid it).
Are you serious? Your truly scared of your wife aren't you? :slap::wtf: Who gives a fly fock if she gets mad! IT IS A DIVORCE OF COURSE IT IS GOING TO LEAD TO RESENTFUL AND VENGEFUL ACTION! OMG!
 
#195 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

"Dear Mr. XY, Head of Human Resources of Pzzz Inc,

It has come to my attention that there might be an inappropriate relationship between Wifey and Mr. J. It has been affecting my marriage in multiple negative ways.

I am FORMALLY requesting an investigation into how much travel they do together, whether her presence is strictly necessary, and an analysis of various room expenses during that time. Is there someone else he can take instead? As a Jr Grade Secretarial Lunk, I feel that Pzzz Inc has many other personnel who might benefit from travel.

I am formally requesting an investigation into the use of their work Blackberries for inappropriate personal communication of any variety.

I am formally requesting a copy of the section of your human resource manual regarding superior and subordinate relationships and your policy of dalliances within your organization. Perhaps some remedial discussion of such a policy might be in order for the two people named.

I am forwarding an email shared by Mr. J sent to MRS. Wifey. Is this the caliber of executive that you have in your organization? Might I ask how many violations of business etiquette you find in this letter?

I am formally requesting both this letter, the results of your internal investigation, and the forwarded emails be put into both of their permanent files and I am requesting your response to this request.

I expect to see the relevant documents from your human resource manual within 5 business days. I expect to hear the results of your investigation within 30 business days.

Attempts to ignore these blatantly reasonable requests will force me to seek counsel about my other options.

Please note that I CCed your VP in charge of that division...and your own.

Thank you for your speed on this matter.

X"

Sunlight is the best disinfectant.
 
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