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Re: Did I Overreact?

63K views 244 replies 53 participants last post by  WyshIknew 
#1 ·
Did I Overreact?

My wife and I have been married for 23 years this past winter, and two kids. I have been in an ongoing argument with my wife over her relationship with her boss. I began to feel that their relationship was becoming inappropriate last year (15 months ago). They take many business trips together each of the last two years. They were talking to each other constantly via work Blackberry, and work laptops, and personal laptops (e-mail). I even mentioned to her that this seemed to be a little too much. Then one day last summer after we spent a day together I felt uneasy about the way she was acting, for instance having me take a picture of her while we were visiting a winery (something she would almost never do). That night after she went to bed I did the unthinkable, I looked at her personal e-mail. I was so convinced that their might be something going on I couldn’t resist the temptation to look. Then I saw it. While we were watching a move together that night she had emailed him pictures form our winery outing that day. The subject line said “Pics – you can’t share :)”. In the message she wrote about the dress she wore that day and mentioned that it made her look like she had assets that she didn’t really have. Her boss responded back by saying something like this “my goodness...the twins were acting a bit rambunctious today and showing off. You should have a talk with them about behaving responsibly. ;-) Then they went back and forth about how she was blushing then.

I was absolutely horrified when I saw this. I went to see a counselor about it to make sure I wasn’t misreading it. The counselor advised that it might be best if I confronted my wife about this in a couple therapy sessions. I convinced my wife to go to couples therapy, and that’s when I told her about me seeing the e-mail. As you can imagine this went over like a lead balloon.

Fast forward: Now after not succeeding with two different couples therapist things are not changing. I feel like neither of us really opened up in the therapy sessions. She insists that he is just a friend, in fact her best friend. When I ask her if she loves him, she says as a friend.

Is it possible that I have been falsely accusing her of cheating? Could I have been overeating the last 15 months?

Things came to a head this past weekend after another business trip, which she failed to mention he would be on until after she got home. I told her that I thought it was time to separate our finances. To which she responded with the question of “is this a prelude to one of us moving out”.

Did I mess up? I never had physical proof that something was going on, but I do believe that their relationship has at least been an inappropriate emotional affair of some sort...
 
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#200 · (Edited)
Re: Did I Overreact?

Fixin, my heart sank reading your thread and I found myself reliving a lot of emotion from our situation. My husband was involved in a similar EA with his subordinate at work. She work(s) directly under him and I caught them in a full-blown EA that was on the brink of a PA. The emails were not unlike what you read between your wife and her boss (and I actually thought "could this be her husband?" But you're not...) But it really is amazing how so much of this stuff is all the same.

My husband still works with the OW but he is practicing full transparency and is looking for a new job. (We can't afford for him to quit for a myriad of reasons.) If he even sees her down the hall he lets me know. He has stopped working on projects with her. He's blocked her in the company messaging service. (After she found out he gave me access to ALL past emails without my asking for it!--and they were PAINFUL to read--she went ballistic. But then she still tried to message him. I went into his office and we blocked her. I've verified she's still blocked.). These are just some of the things he's done BUT he was deep in the fog. Trickle-truthed me. Said they were just friends. My initial confrontation was after dinner with she and her husband and her interaction told me everything I needed to know. My husband was clueless to me and focused on her. He threw out the friend's line. Later that week I cracked his email and found some super flirty stuff and thats when DD2 happened. It was awful. I was ready to leave. I took off my wedding band. I wouldn't take his calls. He told her I found out and she fessed up to flirtation to her husband. And had coffee with me to apologize and proceeded to minimize, rugsweep and lie.

My husband meanwhile was in deep sh-t. The bad emails happened within a space of two months though the attraction had been there a year. They had worked together for maybe 8 years but during that time she was spawning and chubby. When the weight came off and she found her inner predator and he got his lust on they were headed down the river!

With Divine intervention (I see it that way)...I found Not Just Friends and started educating myself. I bought a copy for him and he started reading bits. Trickle Truth began and it was awful but as he learned more and saw I was serious about leaving if things weren't turned around he started to come out of the fog. Showing allegiance to me instead of her. One of the biggest things was fessing up to his elderly parents. (And I went to visit her husband one morning. Her attempts at "friendship" with my husband dramatically stopped after my unannounced visit. She was livid a out that. Isit too. Unreal)

I apologize for all this about me -- the point, if you have ANY desire to save your marriage, you have to fight for it. The advice you've been given is good. Expose this to other betrayed spouse (wife). Do NOT feel sorry for your wife. She's full of herself right now (and she's putting it on you because she knows she's busted.) The fact that this is long after the email makes me think they've now gone PA. I know that's hard to read but all it takes is time alone and it all starts in the mind. Even if exposing doesn't get her out of the romance fog it will bust up their parade and take the fun out of their party. Abusing you will no longer be an option because you'll be taking back control of your life. This happens when there's an imbalance of power in the relationship. If you haven't finished Shirley Glass' book go back and finish it. Read passages outloud with statistics. (I read a lots of stuff outloud.)

My guess is her parenting skills are probably pretty sucky right now too (in subtle ways). My husband started snapping at our kids (his world) and became very short with me and critical. Hewas never that way before. (My husband is not that way anymore. We're still not out of the woods but we're tackling this together, as a team.)

Whatever you do--do not pander to her or accommodate her in any way. She cannot see that you rely on her. Can you have your salary now go into your own account? VAR is a good idea (Truth always came out when I'd discover something new.) I don't suppose you can back up her phone? Look at phone history? Surprise her at work? I think you should expose him and go have a little visit with the interloper. For him, it's sex. For her, she "thinks" he's her perfect match. Bleck!

I'll be thinking of you/say a little prayer.

You're a good man. Focus on those kids however old they are!
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#201 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Tswco
You reminded me of at least two times when we were with the OM and his W socially, and your right the focus was totally on them with each other, even I was there and so was the OM’s W. I could not believe when it happened and I have pointed this out to her, but she refuses to see it that way.

I made contacts with a couple of different lawyers today, and have begun the process of initial consultation.

She came home form her weekend trip yesterday, and wanted to know why I was responding to all of her text messages, and talking more to her, to which I responded she said we were done, and so am I.

She explained that she said she was only done with arguing bout this ongoing issue (I do not remember it that way).

She then went to our bedroom and took down all of the photos of her and I together and wedding related. What is that supposed to mean?

I have not responded, and I don’t plan to. I’m still in 180 mode. I was just curious if this was behavior that resembles what has been seen here before....
 
#220 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Tswco
You reminded me of at least two times when we were with the OM and his W socially, and your right the focus was totally on them with each other, even I was there and so was the OM’s W. I could not believe when it happened and I have pointed this out to her, but she refuses to see it that way.

I made contacts with a couple of different lawyers today, and have begun the process of initial consultation.

She came home form her weekend trip yesterday, and wanted to know why I was responding to all of her text messages, and talking more to her, to which I responded she said we were done, and so am I.
She explained that she said she was only done with arguing bout this ongoing issue (I do not remember it that way).

She then went to our bedroom and took down all of the photos of her and I together and wedding related. What is that supposed to mean?

I have not responded, and I don’t plan to. I’m still in 180 mode. I was just curious if this was behavior that resembles what has been seen here before....
This is all very confusing. Was OM on the trip with her? I don't get the bolded parts. Your wife has no respect for you. The took down the pictures as a way to pout. You say you're done - so she's like "Fine! And rips pictures down."

Childish, selfish, disrespectful. Just keep going with the lawyers.
 
#203 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Is there some reason you haven't contacted his wife and asked what she thinks about her husband bragging about your wife's "twins"? I'll bet he would not have stood for it if you were complimenting his wife's "twins". Your big problem is after all this time you don't stand up for yourself. You know her boss would, that's why she is attracted to him. Basically, you have let her emasculate you over the years.

You need to read Married Man Sex Life now! ( BTW this a realtionship guide, not a sex manual)

Amazon.com: marreid mand sex life primer
 
#204 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

As a matter of fact, I would have gone to see him and asked him myself why he's commenting on my wife's tits. And would he like it if everyone at the company, and his wife, knew what kind of fellow he was?
 
#207 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Fixin

I understand your plan. Your does not respect you so you are going for S.

Glad you saw some lawyers. You will need them.

Get your finances separated ASAP.

Split them right down the middle.

Once you do that do yourself one small favor.

Wait for their next trip and go see the OM's wife.

Let her know that you are separating and you want to give her a heads up.

You might be surprised by what she knows but at least you gave her the courtesy and respect that your wife has not shown you!!!

Good Luck and throw your wife out of the bedroom.

She can sleep on the couch with the wedding pictures.

Also google NPD. It is a very interesting disorder.

HM64

PS

Your perception is accurate. Your handling of the matter has been very good and you are not crazy so do not let her make you think you are.
 
#210 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

She is showing you it OVER !!!
So ask her when she is moving out.
You don't leave your house, and you NEED to see ALL financial statements as soon as possible.
18 months, with flirting right in your face.
You file the papers and make sure your lawyer request ALL assets be declared. You have been a doormat so long to her she don't care about your feeling.
Well Bro, we care about your feelings !!!
Also, theres another book you NEED to read " JUST LET THEM GO ".
Plus " NO MORE MR. NICE GUY "
 
#211 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Do you know how much is in checking, savings, or what investments you two have ??

Well when you meet with the lawyer, make sure you tell him she may have moved money after you mentioned separating finances the other day.

She may have pulled most out dude by now, and will give it to him or that CS that she just visited. She can say it was repayment for a loan him or her gave her.

DON'T believe it. Its marital assets.
 
#212 · (Edited)
Re: Did I Overreact?

Also, you might not believe this, but there truly is a BS fog.
And dude, you are deep in it.

Know what would help you to bun it away ??? Today pack a lot of your wife stuff up and take it to her boss house while they are at work. If his wife is there just tell her since her husband wants her he can have her'
Then go home lock your doors and watch the fireworks.
 
#217 ·
Also, you might not believe this, but there truly is a BS fog.
And dude, you are deep in it.

Know what would help you to bun it away ??? Today pack a lot of your wife stuff up and take it to her boss house while they are at work. If his wife is there just tell her since her husband wants her he can have her'
Then go home lock your doors and watch the fireworks.
LOVE this!!
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#213 · (Edited)
Re: Did I Overreact?

Fixin,

On base of your total Beta behaviour I have to warn you that this is not about your wife, it is about your behaviour.

If you don't repair yourself like in the mentioned books, and follow the advice of the people here, you will keep experiencing these things the rest of your life, independent with whom you are, at home, at work, everywhere!

Now go do at least one advice of these posters here. And shut up the sad excusing part of yourself, not because others say so, but as a decision you yourself make today because you have come to a new vision. Which will lead to a new future!

Do this for your kids if not for yourself.

Hoping you succeed in this transformation,
 
#214 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

So no exposure on your part? Ur still not contacting HR? Their relationship is highly inappropriate and because of what they are choosing to do, you have every right to contact HR. Are you not contacting then cuz u know it would slam the door of reconciliation shut? I mean, as far as your WW goes...
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#216 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

She thinks she can push you around. Engage very minimum with her. The disrespect here is the deal breaker irrespective of any infidelity
She doesn't think she can. She knows she can and that's what feeds this disrespect and disdain she has for him.

I agree with sister_listen. Read up and see what you need to change in yourself.
 
#219 ·
If I were to speculate I would say fixin's wife works for a small company that probably doesn't have a real HR department or everybody knows everybody. I think it's ridiculous of everybody to assume he just doesn't know what he is talking about when he says he can't go that route.

15 months is a long time to try to work through his problems. I don't know about all of you but from the time I figured out there was a problem to the time I filed for divorce was only four months. In the few months I have been on TAM, I have read a few strikingly similar situations to mine. His wife is an exit affair, not just screwing around. She is giving every indication that she just doesn't want to be in this marriage anymore. It was cheap of her to wait until she had found somebody else and worse to hide this from her husband for so long. It's not easy to deal with. Your ego and your self-image are wrapped up in being in a happy marriage. Fortunately being divorced ain't what it used to be. It's not as fulfilling as the happy marriage we once had... But there is compensation.
 
#226 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

If I were to speculate I would say fixin's wife works for a small company that probably doesn't have a real HR department or everybody knows everybody. I think it's ridiculous of everybody to assume he just doesn't know what he is talking about when he says he can't go that route.
I've been on TAM for going on 1.5 years and one constant thing that is repeated on here is the BS not willing to go full distance of exposure, because they are afraid they are slamming the door shut in regards to reconciliation. They're worried that their cheating partner/spouse will be upset and they're not going to want to get back together.

I'm not saying that is what the OP is doing, but because he hasn't exactly clarified why (beyond "I just can't do that), people keep recommending it.
 
#221 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Gabriel
The thing I was commenting about not being able to believe it is this. Once on a social outing before I read the now infamous e-mail, and once after reading the e-mail on a weekend trip we spent time with the OM and his W, I witnessed behavior between my W and the OM that was high school-ish at best. By the time of the first social outing, I was already suspicious of the two of them and their constant texting and e-mailing of each other (Blackberry’s), plus increased work travel together, and sudden commuting together, etc. By the time of the weekend trip together I was in full blown horror, because I had seen the e-mail by then, and she was in full blown just friends mode.

Whenever she is in the same room as him, she is his total focal point, even at the expense of his own W in the same room. She is noticeably pleased by his attention to her. It is as if no one else exists when they are together. However, hey I guess that is how best friends act....

The comment about the weekend trip was referencing a three-day trip she planned and took with our older child this past Labor Day weekend (I was not invited, but was asked the week before if it bothered me, after the plans were already made). She sent me text messages while they were gone, to which I treated with minimum responses or not at all, in the 180 mode. When she got home she questioned me about not responding to her texts while gone, and to my lack of talking to her once she was home. That is when I reminded her that it was her that said that she was done a week earlier when we argued (sort of) about her most recent work trip with him and that part was kept secret from me (she said she knew she would catch crap from me if I knew he was there too).
 
#222 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

Wow oh holy J. Do you mean she spent the holiday weekend with her "boss" & you child - and wanted to know IF you were a bit put out?

MY blood pressure shot up just typing that!
 
#227 ·
Re: Did I Overreact?

No you did not overreact. Now you just need to follow through. Have divorce papers drawn up and see what she does. I will forewarn you that she might just go through with the divorce. Please be ready for that. Her behavior is beyond inappropriate. I would bet my life that she is having sex with him. An EA with many chances to be together alone.....I am getting bad vibes.
 
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#232 · (Edited)
Re: Did I Overreact?

a three-day trip she planned and took with our older child this past Labor Day weekend (I was not invited, but was asked the week before if it bothered me, after the plans were already made)........that is when I reminded her that it was her that said that she was done a week earlier when we argued (sort of) about her most recent work trip with him and that part was kept secret from me (she said she knew she would catch crap from me if I knew he was there too).
I know you want to be with her and you have alot of history together but you got to let this b!@#h go. (Judging from her actions) The signs are right in front of your face. Who the F$%^k goes on vacation with their child, not inviting the husband,to be with their boss????? A cheating conniving scandalous B#$h (Male or Female). Your so worried about her but she doesn't give a dam about what you think. She has a good paying job, a GREAT relationship with her boss. What leverage do you got to have her respect you or even worry about separating. She is brazenly disrespecting you.
Expose this relationship to the company is your only shot but in the end is she really worth it? ( Sorry man this made me really emotional for and struck a nerve with me, so I dont mean be an A@@, but I hope whatever it is you decide to do works out for you)
 
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